I wasn't sure what woke me up first, the high pitched screaming or Emily launching up out of my arms. I had never been a person who came out of sleep well, it usually took Emily a few good pushes and threats before I finally got up. And when I was on tour without her there to cajole me, I was a goddamn nightmare to get up.
But hearing one of my kids screams woke me right the hell up. I was down the hallway behind Emily as we both ran towards Kesse's room. Lucy rubbed her eyes as she pulled her door open,
"Daddy?" She asked as we ran by.
I glanced at her over my shoulder,
"It's ok, Baby. Go back to bed."
I didn't wait to see if she listened. Emily had Kesse in her arms in a split second the minute we made it through his door. He clung to her, burying his face in her shoulder while he whimpered and cried.
My heart broke. I tried to catch my breath, his screaming literally took my breath away. Emily looked up at me, her eyes wide,
"Jesus..." She swore.
I nodded, laying my hand on his head in the hopes my warmth would comfort him. I knelt down, trying to get him to look at me, but he refused, further burying his face in her shoulder. I looked up at Emily,
"Nightmare?"
She nodded,
"Must've been."
"Good thing he's seeing Albert in the morning."
Emily rocked him back and forth, shushing him gently as he continued to whimper. She laid her cheek on the top of his head,
"We have to get him to start communicating. How do we know what things like this are if he won't communicate?"
I nodded,
"We should ask Albert tomorrow how to help him start to talk again."
Kesse finally pulled back off of her shoulder, his big brown eyes meeting mine. He looked so small and scared. I would've done anything to take his pain inside of me and never let him feel it again. I reached forward to dry his tears with the pad of my thumb,
"Hey there, Scout. Bad dream?" His only response was a few slow blinks of his eyes. I took a breath, "Wanna sleep with mummy and daddy tonight?"
He pulled his head away further, looking up at Emily and then at me. Emily nodded,
"You can if you want, Love." She said, leaning forward to kiss his forehead.
Neither of us waited for a verbal answer, his non-verbal one was fairly clear. Emily pulled him into her arms and lifted him up. I stayed a few steps behind her, flipping off his light as we left the room. Lucy was standing in the hallway as we walked by. Emily smiled down at her,
"It's ok, Baby. He's ok." She reassured her daughter as she walked by.
I slowed down, waiting until Emily was inside our bedroom. I looked down at Lucy,
"You alright?"
She chewed on her lip, glancing at our room and then up at me as I knelt down to eye level with her,
"He was screaming, Daddy."
"I know, Diz." I said softly.
She seemed to want to say something but either was too scared to say it or didn't know what to say. I could relate. I leaned forward to kiss her forehead,
"He'll be ok. Go back to sleep ok? You have footie with Niall in the morning."
Lucy seemed unsatisfied with that answer, but unfortunately it was all I had at the moment. I walked her back into her room and helped her into bed. I did a quick spot check on Noah, knowing full well it would take a lot more than some screaming to wake him up. He was still fast asleep.
Emily had Kesse cuddled up against her when I came back into our room. She was rubbing his back gently,
"How's she doing?" She asked.
"She's alright. But we're definitely going to have to come up with a better explanation than 'He'll be ok'." I answered as I slid back down into the bed, "How's he doing?"
Emily smiled,
"He fell asleep almost instantly."
I sighed with relief, reaching up to run my hand through my hair,
"We knew he'd have nightmares. We knew the honeymoon period would end."
She reached her hand over to me, squeezing my forearm with her fingers,
"We did. And we'll handle it." When I looked at her, she smiled, "Together."
----------------------
Albert Graves knew who I was before I walked through his door with my new son. Turns out he had a daughter who was a huge One Direction fan. He didn't ask me for any autographs but he was thrilled to meet me, Emily and Kesse.
We sat down in his office, which was curiously painted an icy blue color. He must have seen me looking because he waved his hand as he sat down,
"My wife...the decorator. She read in some magazine that ice blue helped people feel more serene. Which is really good for a psychologists office."
I nodded,
"Ah...makes sense."
Once we were all settled he explained to us what his methods were and how he could help Kesse open up more to us. He was also going to focus on Kesse's PTSD so the nightmares and screaming would lessen. I had to say, by the time he was done speaking, I felt like a 12 ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
He asked us to leave the room so he could work with Kesse one on one. Emily and I reassured our little boy that he would be fine when he looked a little uncomfortable to be left in a room with a man he didn't know. But Albert's wife walked in just as we were leaving and she had to be the most comforting woman I'd ever seen other than my mother. She introduced herself to Kesse and offered him her hand, which he took without hesitation.
Emily and I took the opportunity to go outside and talk. I leaned against the railing for the stairs while she paced back and forth in front of me,
"He's getting closer to talking. Right? You feel it too, that's not just me is it?"
"It's not just you." I reassured her.
"He just looks like he has something to say."
I giggled softly,
"I'm sure as a three year old little boy he's got loads to tell us." I leaned down to kiss her, "Relax."
"I'm relaxed." She said, her voice tight. When she saw my face she really did calm down, "I just don't want to hear him scream like that again. It was...heartbreaking."
"We're here to figure all that out."
"What'd Jeff say about the time off?"
"He wasn't happy about it. But he gets it. My family comes first."
"Has he said anything about announcing Kesse?"
"No. I think he's waiting on the green light from you if I'm being honest."
Jeff knew not to fuck with Emily. It sounds crass but it's true. Jeff knew that Emily ran a tight ship and he didn't cross her or test her. She allowed him to have me whenever he needed unless it interfered with something truly important and he knew that if it came down to a choice, I would choose my family so he didn't push.
"I suppose we should wait until he's a little more comfortable with us. And vocal."
"Probably a good idea."
Her eyes met mine,
"It's been two weeks...he hasn't said a word."
I kissed her forehead,
"It will come."
----------------------
Things pretty much fell into a routine after that. Kesse woke up screaming at some point almost every time he slept. Once or twice Em and I had walked into his room to see Lucy cuddled into his bed with him, her arm protectively around his small body. We left them alone usually. Albert informed us it was better to allow them to work it out themselves.
Since Kesse's twice a week visits with Albert he'd become far more relaxed and happy in the house. Though he still hadn't spoken a word.
He reached up to tug on my hand as I made dinner, gesturing to the cup of water on the counter while he nervously chewed on his teddy bear. I knelt down to his eye level, pressing my hands onto his hips,
"You want some water, Scout?"
He nodded, so I reached up to grab the glass and hand it to him. I was struck at just how different he and Noah were even though they were the same age. Noah was currently sitting on the floor toying around with his action figures. I didn't think Noah had a care in the world in that moment other than what he was playing with and annoying his sister whenever he got the chance. While Kesse was a bag of nerves and always very subdued and quiet.
Emily walked into the kitchen, shaking her head as she looked at her phone,
"I dunno about this statement." She said as she walked past.
I stood up once Kesse had taken all the water he wanted,
"What's wrong with it?"
"It makes it seem like he's a guest in our family. He's not a guest Harry, he's our son."
I popped a cooked pepper into my mouth and chewed,
"Alright, I'll ask Jeff to take a look at it."
"When are the photographers coming tomorrow?" She asked as she set her phone down.
"Around noon I think. You'll need to discuss with your daughter about her clothing that's been chosen."
"What's wrong with her clothing? We're all wearing yellow shirts and jeans."
"She doesn't think yellow is her color." I answered through a half giggle.
Emily sighed, walking forward to wind her arms around my waist and press her cheek to my chest,
"I feel like we need another vacation."
I kissed the top of her head as she squeezed me to her,
"Monaco is calling."
She looked up at me, pursing her lips in anticipation for a kiss. I obliged, leaning down to peck a kiss to her mouth,
"Things will calm down. They have for the most part. Noah and Lucy are fine and have sailed through the transition just fine. Kesse is a little bit slower but it's not a huge deal."
She glanced down at Kesse who had decided to take a seat next to Noah and join in on the play acting with their action figures. Noah didn't mind or care, he pushed a few of them over to Kesse and explained the scenario he was going for. Kesse nodded as if he understood, which I'm not entirely sure he did since his English was still limited but Noah just blew right past any mistakes without a word. I was amazed that my three year old little boy showed more compassion than grown adults.
She kept her arms around me while I finished dinner. It might have made things a little more interesting but I didn't move away from her. As far as I was concerned the tighter she wanted to hold onto me, the better.
----------------------
I heard Niall before I saw him which was the usual since the day I'd met him. He was wrestling, or at least playing like he was, with Noah in our living room. I shook my head as I sat down on the couch,
"Em know you're here?"
"She's on the phone in the kitchen."
"Talking to..."
Niall shrugged,
"Dunno. Said I should finally come over and see the Kessmeister though."
I took a drink of my coffee,
"Think there might come a day when you call our children by their actual names?"
He shook his head,
"Not likely."
I turned to look into the kitchen but instead saw Kesse coming down the hallway.
I glanced at Niall horsing around with Noah and then back at Kesse,
"C'mere, Scout." I said, gesturing for Kesse to come into the living room.
He did cautiously, stopping the moment he saw Niall. Niall quickly settled down with Noah, glancing up into Kesse's face,
"Hey there, Buddy." Niall glanced at me. I nodded to let him know it was ok. Niall scooted forward, lifting his hand up to offer to Kesse, "How's it goin', Mate?"
Kesse continued to chew on his fingers, glancing cautiously at me for a moment. I leaned over to grab a photo of Niall with all of us that Kesse had seen a handful of times now,
"Remember this? Uncle Niall?"
Kesse took his hands out of his mouth and leaned into me but he didn't shake Niall's hand. Niall pulled Noah over his shoulder and sat him down in his lap,
"Cool it, Wiggles." He commanded, causing Noah to giggle.
Niall looked back up Kesse,
"Heard ya like soccer." Kesse nodded, "Well then we'll get along famously, Kid. Stick with me."
Noah wriggled free from Noah's grasp and quickly joined Kesse. He whispered in his brother's ear and then both boys went running back down the hallway towards Kesse's room. Niall looked up at me,
"Still not talkin'?"
I shrugged,
"We'll get there."
Emily walked into the living room,
"Sorry, sorry. Was expecting that phone call later."
Niall stood up and planted his ass in the Lay-Z-Boy,
"How's the pregnancy?"
"Fine. Just rolling along as always." Em answered as she smoothed her hands over her not-yet-formed belly.
Niall gestured down the hallway,
"What's happenin' with the other new one?"
Emily's face fell just a bit. I knew she was worried about the fact that he still hadn't uttered a word and he'd been home with us for almost a month. I'd been trying to get her to calm down about it but every day he stayed silent she seemed more and more concerned. I slid my arm around her waist,
"We're working through some issues." I said, pressing a kiss to her temple.
She smiled weakly and leaned into me. Niall sat forward, his forearms on his knees,
"How are Diz and Noah handling it?"
I scoffed,
"Well you just saw Noah. He and Kesse are like two peas in a pod. Wherever one is, the other is sure to follow. And Lucy just wants to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy."
Emily's frown grew deeper. Niall noticed,
"What's that about?" He asked her.
I sighed,
"We're just...trying to get through something."
"What's that?" Niall pushed.
I tried to read Emily's face to see if she was ok with me telling Niall but she had her head down so I couldn't. I shrugged,
"Couple of nights Kesse's woken up screaming. It's gotten less, but Lucy always wakes up when it happens. Last few nights we've found her lying on his floor next to his bed."
Niall grabbed his chest as he sat back,
"Oh, that kid."
Emily nodded,
"She shouldn't be taking this on. She's nine."
"She's just worried about her brother, Em." Niall reassured her, "Ya know how she is."
Emily tipped her head back, a deep sigh relaxing her shoulders,
"I know. I just...I knew it would be hard, I just didn't know it would be such a punch in the gut of what an inadequate mother I am."
"Hey!" Niall protested before I had a chance to, "Won't be listenin' t'any o'that shit." He commanded, "You have always been the best mother I've ever known, Em. That doesn't change just because you guys have hit a rough patch here. Anyone who has taken on what the two o'ya have wouldn't have fared so well."
I squeezed her to me,
"He's right ya know. And I'm not one to say Niall is ever right so ya know if I'm sayin' it..."
I looked up to see Niall flip me off. Emily giggled, trying not to but it was no use. Niall stood up just as the front door opened and Lucy ran through screaming his name at the top of her lungs while she made a beeline for him.
----------------------
"What are you reading?" Emily asked as she walked into our bedroom a couple weeks later with an arm full of laundry.
I took a sip of the coffee in my hand as I scrolled through my phone,
"Statement about Kesse and the new baby that Jeff sent over."
"What's it say?" She asked, dropping the laundry to the bed and walking towards me.
"The usual. We are ecstatic about the new editions to our family. Noah and Lucy are doing fine. Everyone is thrilled for us. I'm taking time off to spend with my family. We ask for privacy during this time while we get used to everything."
She looked up at me as I clicked my phone off and threw it on the bed,
"What's wrong with that?"
I shrugged,
"Nothing, I suppose. We'll put that out with the new pictures of us as a family and then disappear."
She slid her arms around my waist and turned me to her,
"Buuuuuut..." She pushed.
I turned to her,
"Just...seems very clinical and...formal." I frowned.
She stood on her tiptoes to peck a kiss to my mouth,
"You could write the statement yourself ya know."
I raised my eyebrows while I mulled the thought over in my head. I could. It would seem less impersonal. And maybe if the words came from me some fans wouldn't feel the need to go on the attack. I loved them but sometimes they were brutal about Emily and my kids taking me away from them. They just didn't understand that Emily and my kids were my life's blood. They recharged me and lifted me up so I could go out and perform and give my best every night.
She smiled,
"What's that face?" She asked as she set to folding the clothes she'd just brought in.
I sat down on the bed,
"Just wondering if that's a good idea. Sometimes less is more ya know? I don't want anyone to start attacking you."
She pushed the clothes aside and sat down next to me,
"Baby, if you speak from your heart then who cares about the attacks? I never have. The kids are oblivious to it for at least a few more years. By then it should calm down."
"You think I should?"
"Yeah. I think you should."
"Daddy?" I heard the voice but it wasn't that of any of my other children. I paused. Emily gasped. I looked up to see Kesse standing in the doorway of our bedroom.
He toddled forward, reaching his hand out to hand me the picture frame I'd showed him earlier when Niall was here.
I looked over at Emily, both of us in complete shock. Her hand was over her mouth as tears glistened in her blue eyes.
I picked him up to sit in my lap,
"Yeah, Scout?"
He pointed down at the picture,
"Lucy, Noah, Mumma, Uncle Niall." He said as he pointed to each person.
I nodded, completely mesmerized by the fact that I was hearing his voice again,
"That's right." Emily cupped his face in her hands and pressed a kiss to his cheek while I watched.
----------------------
Emily and I put the kids to bed together that night, as we did most nights. Lucy had grown to the point of putting herself to bed so we simply kissed her goodnight. Noah was fast asleep before his head even hit the pillow so we spent quite a bit of time on Kesse's bed while he babbled. Most of what he was saying made no sense, he was just randomly pointing out things in his room.
But it was the most amazing sound in the world at that moment and neither of us wanted it to end.
I grabbed my phone and took it out onto the back deck while Emily relaxed in a bath for a bit. I knew we had things to overcome still. Kesse was not out of the woods and my family was still a bit fragile, but this was a win for us. And I wanted to capitalize on that feeling while I had it.
So I opened Instagram and I started typing:
On August 24th, Emily and I welcomed a new addition to our family in the form of Kesse Styles. His adoption from Ghana was little more than a formality; as we feel he's always been the piece of our family we've been missing. We wanted you all to meet him as well as let you see how we've grown over the last few years. We are also thrilled to announce that Emily is three months pregnant.
I'm sitting on my deck, while my kids sleep peacefully in their beds and the love of my life is a few feet away and I realized that I never properly said "thank you" because without all of you, I wouldn't have them. And they, along with you are the reason I get up in the morning. The reason I keep going during the day and the reason I sleep so well at night. You all have made my dreams come true while they allow me to live them. And I couldn't be more grateful.
I can honestly say that in this moment, I have never been happier in my entire life.
I will be taking an extended break while we welcome Kesse and our new baby into a family that's been waiting for them to arrive before we ever knew they existed.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I am living the life I always wanted. The life you hoped I always would. I cannot ever repay you
-H