Alex
I haven't seen Sage for a couple of weeks now, and I'm nervous to speak to her now. While she was on holiday, I ended up in the hospital. It felt pointless to inform her or my uncle of what happened because it would only worry her and maybe even make her decide to break off the holiday and return. I didn't want that and I'm thankful that Liam didn't contact them while I was still unconscious.
The only downside of that is that I have to tell her now when she probably thinks we're going to talk about the lovely, new memories they made on holiday in France. I don't want to lie to her, but I also don't want to give her every detail as it will make her feel guilty for not being there for me.
"Just tell her that you and Harry broke up, tell her what he did to you and she'll understand. You don't have to tell her that you were hospitalised."
"But I can't keep it from her either," I tell Liam. "It would be like lying and what if she finds out? I don't want to be mysterious about it. It happened, big deal."
"It is a big deal to you, or you wouldn't be so spastic about it," Liam points out and it is true.
"Yeah, well, I'll see how it goes. I'll first let her talk about their holiday and pregancy and then she'll ask about Harry and how we're doing."
"And you can say you broke up, no big deal."
I look to Liam for a brief moment as he drinks his morning coffee, almost ready for a long shift at the hospital.
"I texted him last night."
This gets his attention and his head snaps up, his brows furrowed. "Why?"
"Because I had a good session with Collins, and I couldn't sleep. He never responded to my letter and I started to get afraid that maybe his mother had died."
"What letter?"
"The one I put in one of the boxes. I wrote that I don't want his mother funds and hope they're alright. I know of course that they're not, but I had hoped that maybe he'd text himself. To thank me or something, but I never heard from him."
"He's right to keep his distance," Liam says. "And so should you."
"In case you're wondering, his mother is still alive, but it won't last long now. Harry is someone I care about, Liam. I'll always will, and I know what it is like to lose someone through illness. It is terrifying to watch."
His eyes turn a bit warmer and he shifts in his chair. "I of course don't wish his mother dead or something. I just wish.. well, you know what I think is best for you."
"I know Harry is not right for me, not at this moment. Doesn't mean I'm not interested in him or don't want to be there for him."
"What if she dies?"
"Depends on Harry. For all I know he has found someone new already," I say, but I can't help the little blush that creeps on my cheeks when I think of his text that I read many times. Saying he rather have the read deal next to him in bed, instead of the picture of us that I send him. It should leave me cold, I should think of Susie and how she shared the bed with him, but it didn't seem to matter last night. I fell asleep dreaming of Harry and I close, and Susie could have been watching for all I care.
She's out of my dreams for good, and thank God out of my life as well as Nina ended her friendship with her. She might have started something important, but it almost feels irrelevant now. It doesn't for Liam, and if it wasn't for his constant reminders, I'd probably already forgiven Harry. Blinded by my love for him.
"Probably," Liam says, reminding me of who Harry also is. "Even so, I know you well enough. You will be there if he asks you."
"If he asks me, yes. But I won't ask him, nor will I text him again. It's up to him now."
"And what about Thomas? Are you back to ignoring him again, too?"
"No, we're talking. He wants me to come to Manchester."
"And are you going to?"
"I might. I just don't know if traveling all that way alone is okay. I mean, I'm fine here in London, but I still don't like it."
"Does he understand that?"
"I don't think so. He, too, doesn't know that I've been hospitalized or that I'm in therapy. He only knows I'm no longer with Harry, and that I live here."
"Speaking off, and I hope you don't take this wrong way, but have you thought of what you want? Where you want to live?"
"Do you want me gone?" I joke, and Liam rolls his eyes.
"I rather have you here to keep an eye on you, you know that, but I believe you rather live somewhere else than with me and Nina."
"It is tiring to be surrounded by people who are so disgustingly in love," I sarcastically say.
"What are you going to do about it?" He asks, ignoring me.
"Fall in love myself?" I suggest.
"God, I don't think I can handle that," Liam says, and I think he means it.
"You have to let me go eventually," I tell him and he looks down to his coffee. "But I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. I simply can't afford anything."
"If you could, you'd be long gone?"
"No," I say, placing my hand on his arm. "I like it here, and now that it is summer, it almost feels as if I'm in Palas."
"Do you miss it, still?" He wonders and I nod. There's no need to talk about it since living with Liam has proven me one thing and it is that he misses it just as much as me.
Working long hours at the hospital where he's getting more and more responsibility, is tiring him out. Although working in Palas wasn't giving him the satisfaction he was craving for, this is also not exaclty what he was wishing for. Since Nina also works different hours, it is taking its toll on the both of them. I guess working life is just hard, and not what it cracks out to be.
"It sucks," he says, "and I pray to God that we're getting a good summer. I miss game night on the balcony."
"Me too."
But I miss more than game nights and good weather. I miss the sanctuary my father hoped Palas would be for me, and although I was pulled back to England by my family and later Harry, I realize now that maybe it would have been better to visit England more often instead of moving here without a job. I'm trapped here now, with no degree or anything, and going back to Palas would be a weird move, although I'm not ruling it out.
"Well, I'm off to work now. See you on the other side in twelve hours."
"Be right here," I tell him.
Maybe the only good thing for them is that since I don't work at all and am living here free of cost, it makes me want to make it up to them. So I do what I usually do, I cook, clean and nurture the both of them, hoping it makes up for the lack of privacy and drama I brought into their life's.
****
Traveling to Sage goes alright. In the underground it still feels as if people look right through me, but when I practice my breathing and make sure to be close to an exit, it is doable. Traveling to Manchester on train is something I don't see myself doing anytime soon, and I can't help but wonder if flying to Palas would give me the same anxiety. Having no money to even live off, I won't find out anytime soon.
It's hot out and sweat forms on my forehead, but I welcome it. Before I lived in Palas, I wasn't a fan of the summertime. Good weather meant being outside and doing sociable stuff. I'd rather stay in with a fan on my face and watch the telly. Now I miss it which is ironic. I miss going to private beach and relaxing on the sand, I miss walking barefoot, I miss drinking wine during the day and it being acceptable, I miss going out to eat for almost every meal, I miss sitting on the balcony and hearing the sea whisk with a good book to read, I miss the adrenaline of saving someone out of the sea and feeling useful. I miss it all.
After ringing the doorbell it takes Sage a couple of moments before she opens it. I'm surprised to see her, her belly grown over the last month that we didn't see each other.
"Oh my God," I mutter, my eyes going from her belly towards her face that is radiating happiness.
She pulls me in for a tight hug and I feel myself tense up, afraid to hurt her. "I missed you so much!"
"Missed you, too," I say, smelling her hair as I pull her a bit closer.
Her once fiery, red hair has been touched by the sun, making it look almost dull, but Sage can pull off any hair color. She's not as tan because she couldn't sit in direct sunlight, but you can see that she's relaxed and not uncomfortable in her skin. I wish I had inherited an ounce of her self confidence.
"Come in, I have made some virgin mojitos, and it is nice out, come," she says, tugging at my hand, almost as enthusiastic as a child.
"You look beautiful. How far along are you now?"
"Six months. I'm beginning my last trimester," she says. "Can't believe how fast it is going now. The first few months went so slow, but the last months went so quick. I feel like I've barely seen you. How have you been?"
Oh God. "Fine, truly, lets talk about you first. The holiday, the baby, Nick," I say to distract her from one of her favorite subjects which is everything that has to do with me.
"Oh, the holiday was perfect," she says as she sits down in their small, but nice garden. I let my shoes fall in the grass and feel it tickle beneath my feet. "France is beautiful, it was a good idea of you. The weather was perfect. Nothing I couldn't handle. This on the other hand."
"This is the best weather we've had in awhile," I say, my mouth hanging open. "You can't dislike this weather."
"Well," she says with a shrug. "I do a little bit. Makes my feet swell up."
"That's rather uncomfortable, I'll admit, but don't take away the one good thing about London today."
"Okay, if it is that important to you, then I won't."
"Do you have pictures?" I wonder, and for the next hour we're going through the pictures Nick and Sage took on their holiday.
It seems like such a far stretch from where I'm at in my life. Sage is married, a child on the way, they live in a beautiful house with garden in the south of London, close to both their parents. She works parttime as a hairdresser while Nick has a good job as a real estate broker and now they went on holiday to Normandy. I almost feel ashamed to tell her what happened in the past month, but I have to.
"Harry and I broke up," I tell her as she pours me another glass of her alcohol free drink. My confession makes her spill it over the rim.
"Wh-what?" She mutters, looking up to me and placing the can back on the table.
"It turns out he and this other girl were together the whole time up until your wedding."
"No," she gapes.
"He never told me. In fact, he kept hanging out with her and then she told me about it. He never cheated or anything, but it was all awful enough to make me lose it."
"I can't believe he'd do that. I mean, I thought you guys had some sort of understanding after he left Palas."
"In a way we had, but he also just found out about my kiss with Liam. He probably felt justified to do it, but then I told him that he's the one."
"And he stopped, then?"
"I think he did. He and I, we never really got the chance to talk about it."
"What? Why not? He didn't even explain himself?"
"No, it all happened at the pub. And I went to the bathroom to calm down, but there I lost it. You see, I haven't been feeling well for a while now, and it was sort of the last straw. Everything went a bit blank from there and I woke up a few days later in the hospital."
'You what?!" She stands up, fury clear in her eyes as she pounds her fist on the table. "The son of a bitch!"
I don't say anything as I know that telling her to calm down will have the opposite effect and I can't disagree on it either.
"I'm in therapy now, and I'm living at Liam's. To be honest, I haven't felt as well as I have for awhile now."
"Aren't you mad at him?" Sage asks, and I see her struggle.
"Of course, I've been very mad. I even tried to strangle him apparently, but it's okay now. Honestly."
Sage sits down again, shaking her head and placing her hand on her belly. "Me and my son think this is all very insane. I thought you guys were the real deal."
"We are, or were, but sometimes that's not enough. You're lucky to have what you have, Sage, but it is just not meant to be for everyone."
"I know," she whispers. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I wish I could have been there for you."
"It's alright. I had Liam's support, and I couldn't handle much else."
"And now? What is happening now?"
"Not much. Just taking each day as it comes. Trying to find my way back to normality. Build up my life again."
"For fuck's sake, Alex. Everytime when I think your life is back on track, something seems to happen to you. I really hope your bad luck is over."
"Me too, that's for sure," I mumble. "Anyway, I'm working on it, and it is going fine."
"Well, that's good. Is there anything I can do?"
"No," I tell her. "Just listen to me moan every once in awhile and we're okay."
"Good," she says, and we spent the rest of day moaning about literally everything in life.
It gives me some power to take the bus to the hospital where I'm meeting doctor Collins, and I even manage fine, but I do know that Manchester isn't going to happen anytime soon or a magical car must take me. I want to find out what it is between me and Thomas that makes me like the time I spent with him. How he manages to make me feel better every little moment we ever spent together in retrospect to Harry who seems to always slowly drain all energy out of me. So I text him, hoping he understands.
Alex: i know we talked about me coming up to manchester,
but i don't think i can
Thomas: why?
Alex: panic attack wise
Thomas: what panic attacks? not about me I hope?
Alex: no more about traveling. i'm okay but i don't want to trigger it
i hope that's okay
Thomas: do you want to see me?
Alex: i do. that's really not it
Thomas: so it's okay if I visit you again?
Alex: yes, of course it is
Thomas: I'll come your way then
Just say when and I'll be there
Alex: i'm free almost always, so i don't mind
Thomas: I'm free next week
Alex: sounds perfect
With a smile on my face I enter the hospital, ready for a new session. It surprises Collins as he calls for me in the waiting area.
"You look happy," he says as I sit down.
"I am happy. I talked to Sage and it went alright, she wasn't angry that I didn't tell her about everything, and I have a date set with Thomas. And I even managed to text with Harry without it being problematic."
Doctor Collins looks at me for a brief moment and then scribbles down something in his notebook.
"It seems that the present is going alright with you."
"It is."
"So, to make sure that the future stays okay, I think there's certain steps we need to take. Do you have some in mind yourself?"
"Well, I'll have to work eventually and once that's stable I want to look for a place for myself."
"Here in London?"
"Yeah," I shrug. "Palas has been on my mind, but for now London seems a better option. If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere, right?"
"Probably. Anything else?"
"No, I think that's what's most important," I tell him, but I can sense that he had other idea's.
"Although it is good to think practical about your future, I also believe you have to take actions to prevent this from happening. And I think It might be good to try and learn from your past. Discover more. You know your father very well, but your mother is someone who stays a bit of a mystery to you. It might be good for you to try and find out what she was like. It will help you understand yourself better if things aren't as happy as they are now."
"I don't have family left that I know off," I tell him, not really liking this idea. "And I'm not sure if I want to find out."
"Why not?"
"Because it might be disturbing. She told me that she doesn't love me. Why would I want to get to know a dead woman who never cared about me?"
"Because she's in your DNA and that frightens you. Looking to the future, you're happy with a man, you're both thinking of a family. Don't you think it will be hard to become a mother if you don't understand what is means to be one?"
"Isn't it enough to know what I don't want to become like?"
"That's up to you to decide," he says, but I know it is isn't. He's already planning something. "You told me that she left your father for another man. She stayed with him for the rest of her life and he's in prison here in England. You could try and write to him. See if he's willing to share some things about her that will help you understand."
"Rob is a criminal. Why would he even want to talk to me?"
"He was the one who called you with the news that she had died, right?" I nod and try not to think of that conversation. It was heartbreaking. "And you said that he and your father kept in touch, and that he wanted something different for himself and your mother. He must have seen something in her to even consider that a possibility."
"Maybe," I say, "still don't think it is a good idea to write him."
"Think about, okay?"
"I will."
"So, what I want you to do is think of things to ask your mother. What do you want to know? Write a letter to her, and it might be good to write one to your father as well. Just to close things off, to forgive him and really look to the future. Then the second thing I want you to write down is all the things you could become. Even if you want to become a doctor, I want you to write it down, okay?"
"It's a good thing I don't have a job or I won't have time to do all that," I deadpan and he smiles.
"You'll manage. We'll schedule our appointment a little bit later than usual. I think you'll be fine in the meanwhile. So," he says, lounching in his chair and I know we're back to simply talking instead of planning my life. "Tell me about these texts to Harry. How did it start?"