Chapter Fourteen
"Mother, leave us alone for a while." Leah finally barked out at her mother who had been hovering over Leah and Benjamin in the sitting room since they'd entered ten minutes ago. Her father had stormed off to the kitchen, not wanting to be in the same room as his 'ruined' daughter.
Sarah gave a hopeful look to Benjamin and then quickly excused herself to join her husband in the kitchen.
"I can't believe you're alive." Leah quietly admitted as she stared at her hands, crossed in her lap.
"I could say the same to you." Benjamin replied, frowning as he looked at her clothes. She was dressed in clothes fit for a savage not the lady he knew her to be. "Your mother and father were kind enough to let me stay with them since obviously I can no longer live alone. I'm not sure what to do with my life now that I am useless."
"You're not useless." Leah countered passionately. "You are a good man." Benjamin smiled at her and reached out a hand, placing it on her knee. Leah stared at that hand and wondered at the lack of passion she felt from his touch. Had she truly thought herself desperately in love with him such a short time ago?
"I truly thought those men had killed you, Leah, and I thought it was all my fault for allowing you to run away that night."
"Benjamin." Leah sighed and looked up into his loving blue eyes. She felt a nagging guilt deep in her heart as she looked at him. He loved her. It was clear in his eyes. Benjamin had always loved her. He was gentle, soft, poetic and kind. All the things she had thought she wanted in a man and yet he was so different from what she had found in Chase. "What happened that night was not your fault. You know that I am not the kind of woman that a man can allow or not allow to do things. If I set my mind to something then I do it and I would have run away that night with or without you."
"I should have kept you safe, Leah. I should have been quicker with that gun or..."
"Benjamin, you aren't that kind of man and that's what I always loved the most about you. There was nothing you could have done to save us that night. Trust me, those men knew what they were doing and they knew they were going to kill you before we ever saw them."
"I love you, Leah." he whispered and Leah swallowed hard and dropped her gaze back down to her hands.
"Benjamin..."
"You don't love me anymore? Is it because I'm in this chair or is it because you love that monster outside that helped put me here?"
"I understand your anger but Chase is not a monster and he did nothing to cause you to be in that chair." Leah replied, though she felt awkward defending Chase to Benjamin.
"He did nothing to keep it from happening either. He was happy to see me dead because it got him you."
"No...."
"Leah, you are a smart woman! You are stubborn, loyal to a fault and headstrong but being ignorant has never been one of your faults." Leah felt a moment of annoyance at Benjamin. Was he saying that her stubborness, loyalty and headstrong nature were faults? Chase had certainly never made her feel as if her personality was flawed. "He did not try to save me; the man you were supposed to marry. Instead he took you for himself and somehow he has endeared himself to you." Benjamin continued.
"Benjamin, it's not like that." Leah argued and Benjamin shook his head sadly.
"Isn't it? You are the love of my life, Leah. Thoughts of one day seeing your sunshine smile again are all that kept me going when the doctor told me my legs would never work again. And I know you love me as well. You have just been brainwashed by this man and those that were with him. You believed loving him was your only choice because I was dead and he was all that could keep you safe against those that would do you harm."
Leah stared at Benjamin with shock as she took a moment to digest his words. What he was saying made an odd sort of sense but she refused to entertain the notion for a single second. What she and Chase had was true and it was real. Yes it had been born of less than ideal circumstances but that didn't lessen the sincerity of what she felt... did it?
"Benjamin, please, don't do this to me...."
"Do what? Leah I would never hurt you. If you think what you feel for that man is true then by all means I will release you from the promise your parents made to me and send you off with him with my best regards. But I want you to think carefully before you make that decision. I don't want to see you make a mistake and only realize it to be a mistake once it's too late.
"Chase is an Indian which means you'll never be accepted in any society situation. He has no skills other than to be an outlaw because if he did then he would have been using them instead of stealing hard earned money from people who need it. He may paint a pretty picture of what your lives will be like but you will be in constant danger.
"I don't have much more to offer than he does which is why I would never tell you that you had to marry me. If you don't want to marry me than you don't have to but you can't marry that man... Not after what he did to me. What he did to us. You say he didn't have anything to do with it but he did. He could have spoken up. He could have tried to stop them. He offered no resistance. No argument."
"He has saved my life more than once." Leah countered, though her voice was low and her heart heavy with doubt. Was Benjamin right? She just didn't know... Benjamin had never lied to her and she knew that even now his heart was in the right place. He wasn't trying to force her to marry him he was simply wanting her to think hard about marrying Chase.
Still she wished he hadn't put these doubts in her heart.
"I've said all I can say." Benjamin gave in with a sigh. "You'll do what you think is right and I'll support you..... You look very good considering what you've probably gone through."
"It wasn't that bad. I thought you were dead and cried a lot for a while but I guess a person pushes pain aside in order to survive. In truth Chase made my life at the camp easy..."
"Have you and he.... Have you...?" Benjamin shifted his arms and rolled his shoulder as he cleared his throat and flushed with embarrassment.
"Yes." Leah replied, picking at her pants and wondering why she suddenly felt shame for what she had done.
"That's why your father called you ruined?"
"Yes."
"You're not ruined, Leah. You were an angel back then and you are still an angel now. Nothing could ever ruin you in my eyes." Leah let out a choked sob and buried her head in her hands. She was lost. She was confused. She had no idea what to do.
"Leah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...."
"Just stop, please." Leah gasped and she stood and ran from the room, up the stairs and into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.
She cried a long time. So long in fact that the light coming through her bedroom window began to fade. She knew what she had to do... But doing it was going to be harder than anything else she had ever faced in her life.
***
"Where is Chase?" Leah asked her brother as she stepped out onto the porch at sunset. Chance looked up from the stick he was carving on and nodded toward the side of the house.
"He's up on the lookout hill. He's been up there with that horse of his since you went inside."
"Okay." Leah whispered as she stuck out her trembling chin and clenched her fists tight against the tears that wanted to fall. She would think that she had none left but obviously she did. Her mother had come to her room during the time she'd been crying in her bed and let her know how sweet Benjamin was. How much he truly loved Leah.
Her father had made an appearance as well and let her know that she should be flattered that Benjamin was still willing to marry her despite the fact that she had allowed an Indian to bed her. Leah had wanted to get angry and shout at her father but her voice had been taken from her by her intense sobs.
"Leah..." Chance started but she shook her head and held up her hand.
"Please don't." she pleaded. "I've heard more lectures and advice today than I can handle. I can't stand to listen to one more word."
"Fair enough." Chance said with a nod as he went back to carving on the stick. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I love you." Leah felt her resolve fail her and tears filled her eyes. Chance stood and hugged her tight, letting her cry against her chest.
"Are you getting ready to do what I think you are?" he asked softly and she nodded against his shirt. He kissed her hair as she pulled away from him and then Leah wrapped her arms tight around herself and stepped off the porch. It was a long walk up to lookout hill and it would be made longer by the dread she felt in every step.
***
Chase stood on a hill and looked out over the rolling plains. He heard an owl hooting in the distance as darkness began to fall and the sun sank beyond the horizon. Knowing what was coming yet waiting for it to happen tested every ounce of self control that Chase had to its limits.
Chase was going to leave. Better for Leah to be with Benjamin, a man who her family was ready to approve of, the first man she had given her heart to, and a man who the world would accept her being with than with him. Chance was an annoying, loud-mouthed jackass but he was also right. Chase had nothing to offer Leah other than his love and in a world like the one he lived in, a world where danger was everywhere and you risked death everyday, his love may prove to not be enough.
Leah was his life mate. She was the single best thing that had ever happened in his life and yet he knew he could not keep her. He loved her too much to make her make this choice. He loved her too much to take her into the unknown and risk her life. For the first time in his entire life, Chase was going to give up. He was going to let go and walk away.
He heard soft footsteps behind him and didn't have to turn to know it was Leah approaching him. He had memorized every sound she made. He knew her footsteps, her breathing, her sighs, her scents..... He squeezed his eyes closed against the burning wetness threatening to spill from them and swallowed hard.
"I'm leaving." he said gruffly as she came to stand beside him. Leah looked up at his tense face and saw the redness in his eyes, the tightness in his jaw.
"Are you going to let me speak?" she asked, though her voice was rough from all the tears she had cried. Chase just stood there with his arms folded, waiting for her to say what she wanted to say.
"This is the hardest thing I've ever done, Chase... I.. I love you so much." her voice broke and her tears were more than Chase could bear. He cleared his throat and sniffed loudly before walking around her and grabbing Blaze's reins.
"I'm leaving." he repeated, unable to come up with anything else to say that would help the situation.
"Please tell me what you're thinking." Leah begged. She wanted him to beg her to come with him. If he would just beg then she knew she could find the strength to ignore her parents, ignore Benjamin, ignore her conscience and go with him. But she knew deep down that Chase Caldwell was not a man that begged for anything.
"I am thinking that you are choosing another man over me." Chase ground out, though still he didn't look at her. Leah shook her head and put her hands on the bare skin of his back. She heard him hiss as if her touch pained him and he stiffened.
"It's not like that, Chase. I.. I chose him before I ever knew you! How can I abandon him now? He was out on those plains because I asked him to be and he ended up worse than dead because of it! He needs me." she began to sob. "He needs me." she choked out again.
"I need you!" Chase wanted to shout but he didn't. He knew this was for the best and he would not use guilt to get Leah to come with him. She had made her choice, the choice he had known she would make, and now he was making his.
"Yes he does." Was all Chase said in response before he hoisted himself into Blaze's saddle. Neither of them moved. Neither of them said a word. An owl hooted in the distance, as if mocking them and letting them know the hour grew late.
"You're hurting... I hate myself for hurting you, Chase. I never wanted to hurt you." Leah finally whispered, hugging herself tighter and swiping her oversized shirtsleeve across her tearstained and swollen face.
Chase knew what he had to do. He would not let Leah hate herself for this. He just had to give her a reason to want him gone. Hating himself for what he knew he was about to, Chase looked down into her wide green eyes.
"You are what your brother said you are. You meant nothing to me. Or at least no more than any common whore would. I am leaving now and truthfully I am glad that this has happened. One less thing I have to worry about now." He saw the pain in her eyes but then she shook her head and took a step toward him.
"You don't mean that... I know what you're doing. You're trying to make me angry at you so that I want you to leave."
"You know me, Leah. I do not say things that I don't mean."
"You've told me you love me plenty of times. Were those things you didn't mean or is this new revelation what you really don't mean? You are contradicting yourself." Leah pointed out and Chase hardened his face and looked down his nose at her.
"Go back to your fiance', Leah. He is the only one who will want you now." With that Chase kicked Blaze hard in the sides and the stallion took off into the night. Leah fell to her knees as she watched him go and sobbed silently into her hands.
It had looked so easy for him to leave her! And had he meant what he said? Leah refused to believe that he had meant those words. Those were simply words of anger. Words to help mask the hurt he'd been feeling and take the blame off of Leah and place it onto himself.
Even when she was breaking his heart, and her own, Chase had been thinking of only her and trying desperately to be the savage everyone claimed him to be to make her choice easier to live with.
"I love you, Chase Caldwell. I'm so sorry." she whispered to the night. She had no choice but to accept the responsibilities that had been laid on her shoulders the instant she'd seen Benjamin in that wheelchair. She had a fondness for the man, she loved him, though she was not in love with him. And it was her fault he was the way he was. If she hadn't insisted on running away to wed he would not have been shot.
Boss might be dead and he may have failed in killing Chase or raping Leah but he had still managed to destroy them. He had done it over a month ago and hadn't even realized it to be so.
"Leah? Leah you've been up here for over an hour. It's dark and you need to be coming back down to the house now." Chance whispered quietly behind her. Leah nodded and he helped her to her feet. He pulled off his duster coat and wrapped it around her shoulders.
"I know I've been an ass the last few days but it's only because I knew what was going to happen and I was hoping to make you see the truth before it all came crashing down and broke your heart."
"You should have told me about Benjamin." she accused, though her voice lacked any real venom. Inside she felt numb and therefore incapable of real anger.
"I know I should have. But I saw how much you loved Chase and I guess I was hoping to come between the two of you before you found out about Benjamin being alive."
"It doesn't matter now." Leah admitted with a sigh. "Life is what it is."
They walked the rest of the way to the house in silence and Paul, Sarah and Benjamin were all in the sitting room when they entered the house.
"So, girl, what are you doing?" Paul asked roughly and Leah felt Chance's arm give her a supportive squeeze. That was so like the men in her family. Always completely supportive just so long as you were doing exactly what they wanted.
"I'm staying." she replied, looking down at the worn out shoes on her feet instead of at her family.
"Leah, that is wonderful!" Sarah exclaimed. "I know you're sad about Chase but honestly it would have never worked out with him. He simply wasn't meant for you, darling." Leah chose not to respond, knowing that anything she said would make the situation worse and not better.
"I'm going to bed." she finally said with a sigh. Sarah and Paul quickly left the room and when they signaled for Chance, he left as well. Leah felt Benjamin's eyes on her and looked up to see him staring at her with concern.
"This isn't really what you want." he stated matter of factly and she shrugged.
"What I want doesn't matter to anyone and what I want isn't important. I made a promise to you and agreed to be your wife. It would be terrible of me to turn my back on you now."
"Because of this chair?" Benjamin asked quietly.
"Because you need me. Chase doesn't, he'll be fine."
"So you still want to marry me?" Benjamin asked with hope in his voice. Leah forced a small smile onto her face.
"Of course I do. I should never have stayed away like I did." she replied, though she refused to apologize for her relationship with Chase. She did not regret a second they had spent together and never would.
"I love you, Leah." Benjamin assured her and Leah just let out a tired sigh and headed for the stairs.
"I'll see you in the morning." she replied.