song: please be naked by the 1975
"what the fuck did you just say? you think that's i don't love you? you love me?"
yuri rubbed his eyes as if to rub it all away, before he looked up at victor nikiforov's blue, blue eyes once again.
"y-you never said...that you loved m-me..."
victor laughed aloud, running his hands through his silver hair over and over.
"are you serious, yuri? you think that i don't love you? what are you talking about?"
he stumbled for words, and yuri wished that he believed every fucking thing that was coming out of his mouth. victor shook his head to himself once more, before he stepped forwards and cupped yuri's bruised and bloodied face in his soft hands.
"how could you not see it, baby?" victor laughed softly, face inches away from yuri's, lips so close to his own. "how could you not see that i want you?"
"but that's just it, isn't it?" yuri forced out, leaning his forehead against victor's. although every part of his body screamed for him to pull away, he wanted to feel victor, to know that he was close to him.
"what? what are you talking about, yuri, what?" victor murmured against the side of his face, hands threading in his hair and lips daring to touch his soft skin.
"you only want me for sex, don't you?" yuri whispered tearfully, and winced as victor pulled away from him instantly.
"what?"
"it's all i'm good for," yuri cried, unable to control his emotions any longer, tears pouring from his chocolate eyes and leaving his throat dry and tight. "it's all anyone wants from me, isn't it?"
"what the fuck are you saying?" victor cried out in anger, staring at yuri in disbelief. yuri tried to fight off the pain in his chest but it wound tight around him and sucked the air from his lungs and the words from his lips.
"you think that i only want your body?" victor shouted. "like all those fucking men who touched you up for a few dollars? is that it?"
yuri winced, and dug his nails into his palms by his side to distract from the pain of victor nikiforov not being close to him, and leaving him cold.
"fuck this," victor laughed bitterly, and strode towards the door with angry blue eyes. and yuri sat down on the bed, tears dripping onto the mattress, lump in his throat and tape after tape of akio's lips and victor's chest rising and falling as he slept only inches away from him playing before his eyes, the "pause" button broken.
•
victor's ears still rung with the childish slam of the bedroom door, and his breathing was still fast and ragged with anger, his lips still sweet with the taste of yuri katsuki's soft skin.
after all those nights of longing, the fear he had felt as he had watched a black porsche pull out of a hospital car park, the pain he had felt at the sight of his damaged body and holding him in his arms as the elevator descended ever so slowly, and his yuri thought that victor didn't love him.
victor wanted to leave him in the bedroom, just shrug his shoulders and walk away as he was so used to doing, with all the money in the world to spend at his fingertips.
but he couldn't let go of the door handle.
running his hands over his face and sighing heavily, wincing at the pain in his wrist, victor opened the door once more and took in the sight of his angel sitting on the creased white sheets, beside a blood-stained denim jacket and decorated with bruises and hickeys and laced with the scent of bubblegum.
god, i love him so.
victor pushed down the anger and the hurt burning in his throat and sat down besides yuri on the bed.
he dared to reach out and touch his hand, and yuri let him lace his fingers with his own. victor looked down, and watched as he began to run his thumb up and down yuri's index finger.
"you really i only want you for sex?" victor echoed, anger replaced with sadness. yuri looked away, and slipped the warmth of his soft skin away from victor's touch.
"i didn't mean it like that - "
"then what did you mean?" victor demanded, voice cracking under tears and anger. yuri looked up at him and gave a small smile.
"how could you love someone like me? a fucking whore. and this isn't self-pity, victor, it's the truth."
yuri's voice broke, and he wiped away tears with the back of his hand, leaving shimmering streaks across his delicate, bruised cheeks.
"people don't love me, they use me. they don't want my lips, they want their use. i've gone past waiting for someone else to love me, alright? because that won't happen. i lost him. i disappointed him. and now countless men have used me in a stranger's bedroom or nightclub bathroom, and not one of them - not one of them - loved, wanted or appreciated me at all."
victor couldn't find the words to say; he opened his mouth, but no sound came out. yuri sniffed hard, and closed his eyes, sighing deeply.
"and the thing with you, victor, as that you did exactly the same. paid me for sex."
victor felt the stitches holding his heart together start to pull, with the thought that his yuri could have been thinking this whole time - through every fucking minute that victor lay awake at night and thought of the feel of his soft dark, dark hair between his fingers - that victor had only wanted him to fuck and be done with.
to throw aside as if he were nothing but a fucking whore.
"yuri - "
"but you were different. you wanted to see me, to talk to me. i even thought that when you kissed me you wanted to, because that's what it felt like. and i started to love you, victor. because i tried to make myself believe that you loved me, wanted me, appreciated me."
"yuri - "
victor couldn't hear his own voice.
"but then...after every fucking thing you said to me...after what happened...with jj...i thought that you really did only see me as a fucking whore..."
"yuri, please - "
victor could feel the repaired pieces of his heart falling apart, bit by bit.
"but then...you came for me...you tried to stop him hurting me...you cared for me...you called me "baby"...you looked at me like none of the others looked at me...and you gave me your jacket..."
yuri ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his delicate, damaged face.
"and i don't want this to be over," he whispered. "because, god, do i love you, victor. and god, i want you to love me - "
"yuri," victor cried, turning yuri's head to face him, hand under his chin. "i do, yuri, listen - "
"but," yuri said in a near inaudible voice, thick with tears, breath warm against victor's fingers. "but if i let you, this could all end. this fantasy could end. and god, victor, i don't want this to end. i want to kid myself that you love me, not my body...god, i don't want to lose you..."
victor took yuri's soft, delicate, damaged and tear-stained face in both hands and pressed his lips against his, eyes shut, his pain and his longing taking control.
"victor - " yuri breathed, but victor kept his hands either side of his face, lips tingling with the warmth of yuri katsuki's chapped lips.
"yuri," he whispered, lips teasing his own, so close to his mouth by not quite touching. he gently pushed yuri down so that he lay in his back, hands pinning down his wrists, lips tracing up his neck and pressing into the warmth of tender, soft skin and making yuri moan.
"i love you," victor managed to say, voice weak, breathing tight, chest constructed with longing.
his lips moved down yuri's body to his bare, damaged torso and pressed against the faint ridges of his ribs, the splashes of lilac and faded red paint.
"i want you - "
victor straddled yuri's hips, and his lips went back up across his canvas to yuri's ear, breath warmth against the soft skin of his cheek as he whispered,
"i appreciate you."
victor's hand released yuri's wrists, and sunk into his soft dark, dark hair.
"your hair," he murmured, kissing yuri's mouth over and over again until he heard soft gasps from yuri's chapped lips.
"your eyes," victor moaned, and pressed his lips against both of yuri's damaged cheeks in turn, looking into his chocolate eyes.
"your scent," he breathed against his neck amidst the sweetness of bubblegum, "your feel, your touch."
victor leaned over yuri, who looked at him with the same longing that tore at victor chest and gasped to be set free.
"i love you, yuri katsuki," victor whispered, fingers trailed from his soft cheeks, over his damaged, tensed torso and down to his jeans.
victor looked at him with longing blue eyes, scarcely able to draw breath due to the feel of him beneath his body and the warmth of his bare skin beneath his fingers.
and yuri gave a nod, arching his back at victor's touch, murmuring name.
"god, i love you," victor moaned, and yuri sat up and kissed him with longing, as if he couldn't live without the taste of victor's mouth. and victor clung to him, to the taste of bubblegum, sweat and longing, hands clumsily unlacing yuri's cropped top and discarding it, whilst yuri's hands roamed his back, pulled at the roots of his hair from the base of his neck, sucked at the soft skin of victor neck until he moaned into yuri's hair, now damp at the edges. yuri's hands fumbled with the buttons of victor shirts, and he felt the swift kiss of the bedroom's cop atmosphere snatched away by yuri katsuki, pressing his body against victor's, hiding away his bare chest, their bodies entwined, their hands dancing with the zips of skinny jeans ripped at the knees and creased black trousers.
and when victor took a moment to stop, breathing fast paced and heavy, to brush away a strand of soft dark, dark hair from yuri's delicate face, damp with sweat and the traces of victor's lips, he could scarcely believe how much he longed for yuri katsuki.
it was overpowering.
the longing for bubblegum, dark hair and his soft touch was displayed amidst the tangled bedsheets, blood-stained jacket and white shirt, and victor arms no longer ached to hold yuri katsuki.
"god, i love you," victor moaned again, with yuri's shaking, soft, chapped lips that bore the traces of chapstick meeting victor's own. and victor laughed softly, hands moving over yuri's body in disbelief, unable to take in the feel of his angel in his arms once more; his soft skin, his taste of chapstick, sweat and bubblegum and his warm, shaking breath against victor's neck, which was still pink with the aftermath of yuri katsuki's chapped lips.