Retrograde amnesia, the doctor had said. In Ming's case, Ming was unable to retrieve any memories from the past five years. The doctor reassured them that it could be just temporary and that Ming could start getting his memories back as time passes. Perhaps in a few days, perhaps in a few months. But they all knew that it also meant that those memories might never come back. Memories of his time in high school. Memories of his time in college. Memories of his time with Kit.
Kit felt numb. He wasn't really sure what to think or feel. Judging from the expressions on his friends' faces, maybe he should have been crying. Or maybe he actually cried. He couldn't remember much of what had happened that day. Kit saw Ming awake and Ming was talking and Ming was smiling and Ming was looking at him (for quite a while, he thought, but he was probably just imagining it) and to put it concisely, Ming was functioning. Sure, Ming had lost some of his memories and sure, he didn't remember Kit, but that was strangely alright. Kit just wanted to make sure that Ming was okay. And the minute he realized that, he finally gave in to all his pent-up exhaustion. After Beam gave him a ride and dropped him off, Kit went straight to his bed without a single thought and instantly fell asleep.
When he groggily opened his eyes the next day, Kit couldn't tell what time it was again. He seriously needed to open the blinds on those windows and get some kind of light into the room. But at the moment, Kit had no intention of doing anything whatsoever. He was completely burnt out from the past few days. So, he was still laying lifeless on the bed, trying to figure out whether he should just sleep some more, when his phone started to vibrate. Kit mindlessly reached out and picked up the call without checking the caller id.
"Hello?"
"Which apartment are you at?" the caller demanded.
Kit paused for a second.
"...Beam?"
"Of course it's Beam. Get your ass out of the bed and come open the door for me. I'm right outside the apartment."
Kit sighed. Seriously? At least Pha gave some sort of warning before he headed over. And if Pha was the most stubborn individual in the planet, Beam was definitely the most stubborn individual in the universe. Groaning, Kit unwillingly got out of his comfortable bed and staggered his way to the door.
"You really need a shower," Beam rudely declared, the moment he stepped inside the apartment and got a good look at Kit.
Okay, although Kit was a little bit offended by the sheer bluntness, he really couldn't disagree. He actually couldn't remember the last time he showered. So he let Beam shove him into the bathroom (and he honestly didn't have any energy to fight back). Before the door closed shut, Kit noticed that the bunch of grocery bags that Beam had brought inside were currently piled on the kitchen counter-top. Oh shit.
"Please don't tell me you're going to cook something. My brother's going to kill me if you burn down his apartment."
"Shut up."
***
Kit warily eyed the steaming porridge that was sitting in front of him. It looked edible, but Kit didn't want to take any risks. Not to say that this was very nasty behavior to show to a friend who sacrificed his time and effort solely to come feed Kit. But, hey, in Kit's defense, during the last (and only) couple of times Kit had witnessed Beam's cooking, one had ended up with Beam unintentionally causing a freakishly huge bonfire and the other had ended up with a Kit almost dying of food poisoning. After those two incidents, Kit had made Beam promise never to cook ever again, unless he wanted to be in jail for murder before he could become a doctor who was supposed to be saving people's lives.
"I bought it at the store right next to our school."
"..."
"The only thing I did was heat it up in the microwave."
"..."
"Kit, just eat the freaking porridge, unless you want me to spoon-feed you. And I won't be gentle."
Kit definitely didn't want that to happen, so he finally erased his suspicion and took a spoonful to his mouth. Even though Kit didn't have much of an appetite, he knew that he probably should get some nutrition in his system. Plus Kit knew that Beam was not going to move a single inch until he finished the entire bowl. Kit mechanically scooped another spoonful into his mouth. Beam, glancing every once in a while at Kit to make sure he was eating properly, was currently occupied with peeling a couple of apples with a small fruit knife.
"Beam...I'm sorry for being an asshole for the past few days."
"Just don't do it again."
Beam had finished cutting up one apple and was getting started on the other one. There was a comfortable silence in the room as the two occupied themselves, one with eating and the other with cutting fruit. But they both knew what was going on. Beam was waiting. Waiting for Kit to say something. Anything. But Beam wasn't going to force Kit to say anything that he wasn't ready to say. And if Kit chose not to say anything that day, Beam wouldn't pester him about it. He would willingly leave Kit and patiently wait for as long as Kit needed, wait until Kit needed someone to listen to whatever he had to say.
Kit knew that. He loved and truly appreciated his friend for understanding the way he worked. And, to be honest, Kit wasn't ready to talk. He really didn't want to talk about Ming and bring back all those painful memories, not now and probably not ever. But ever since he woke up that morning and actually was able to think about this whole catastrophe, Kit had set his mind on something. And in order to accomplish that said something, he needed Beam's help. And in order to get Beam's help, (unfortunately for Kit) he had to tell Beam the full story.
"Before the accident, I broke up with Ming," Kit slowly started.
Kit was playing with his spoon, avoiding any eye contact as he told his story to Beam. Just because he had decided to talk to Beam about it, it didn't mean he wanted to get into any of the details. And some parts of the story were going to be forever hidden, forever kept only in his heart. Kit took a deep breath and continued.
"I told him that I wanted our relationship to end, that I wanted out."
And I broke his heart, Kit swallowed. He stole a glance at Beam, who was just looking at Kit silently, with no expression written on his face.
"Beam, I don't want him to know. About me. About the relationship that we had. If Ming doesn't get his memories back, then I think it's best that he just never knows about it."
Huh? Beam looked a bit confused at the abrupt change of topic, but before he could say anything, Kit quickly cut him off.
"If Ming has a way of not knowing about this, about me, then it'd be good for him. I already broke up with him. We're over. I stand by that decision and there's no going back. So Ming doesn't have to know that he had a boyfriend, I mean all that's going to do is burden him and confuse him even more. He already has enough on his plate."
Kit wanted Ming to be happy. That's all he ever wanted. And Kit knew that he had ruined it for himself, that he cast a hell upon himself the second he decided that he was going to break up with Ming. But Ming had a way out. In no way was the accident a good thing, but at least Ming was given the opportunity to get an earlier exit out of the misery and pain that Kit dumped on him. And Kit would be so grateful if Ming could move on and be happy again. It was okay if Ming never remembered him and their time together. Kit was completely fine being the sole keeper of all their precious memories together, all the good and all the bad.
"Beam, the only people who really knew about us were the four of you. You and Forth, Pha and Yo. As long as we keep silent, Ming will never have to know about it."
"...And what if Ming gets his memories back? He's going to hate us for hiding this from him."
"If that happens, then tell him the truth. Say that it was my idea and I forced you guys to follow. That I was tired of him not letting me go and wanted to grab the chance of getting rid of him from my life."
Liar. Beam didn't understand why his friend was acting like this. Especially when Kit looked so miserable. He looked like someone just tore away his soul. And Beam was actually scared. Terrified that the second he took his eyes off Kit, his dear friend would just disappear forever and never come back. That was probably why he hadn't thought twice that day when he saw Kit and had immediately embraced him, out of fear of losing his friend.
"I don't like it. It's a stupid idea. Ming is going to find out one way or another. Kit, Ming loved you so much. You were his entire universe. There's just no way that he's not going to find out about you or get his memories of you back."
"Beam."
"But I'll do it. I'll talk to Forth, Pha and Yo and I'll make them follow your stupid idea. I don't understand why you're being like this, why you're being so frustrating, but you're my best friend and I know you. I know you always have a reason for doing whatever you do, no matter how foolish it is."
Beam was aware that Kit wasn't telling him everything. Kit clearly must have had a reason for breaking up with Ming. It better be a damn good reason, Beam bitterly thought. And as much as Beam wanted to shake every freaking detail out of Kit, Beam wasn't going to act on it. He was going to wait, like he always did when it came to Kit. And by the looks of it, Beam guessed that if possible, Kit would probably never tell anyone why he chose to rip away his own soul. And even that was fine, really, Beam didn't have to know everything, as long as Kit was okay.
"So, finish everything in that bowl. And eat up all these apples. Promise me that you'll take care of yourself."
Or at least let me take care of you, Beam thought. I just want you to be happy. And alive.
Kit mustered a small smile for Beam and went back to eating the porridge. Beam bit his lips and reached for another apple, trying hard not to tear up after seeing the most heart-breaking smile that he ever saw on his friend's face. Beam just hoped that his dear friend would be okay.
***
Author's Note: Yes, I'm a secret BeamKit shipper (definitely because TeeCop's friendship in real life is way too adorable) XD And Kit really needs a hug. Ming does too. My poor babies :( Thank you to all for reading!