Chapter Forty-Four
"It's nice to get you alone for awhile," Tanner admitted as he and Temperance strolled together through the barn. "Don't get me wrong, I love Jackson something fierce but I've been craving having you to myself."
Temperance nodded. "It is nice," she agreed. Jackson had gone into town with Wilma and a few of the workers. They had asked if Temperance and Tanner wanted to accompany them but Temperance had refused and Tanner had decided to stay with her instead of pushing her into going.
It had surprised her at the time but now she realized it was because he had wanted to have her alone....That thought would have terrified her just one short month ago but Tanner had been back for four full weeks now and Temperance had come a long way in that time. Just yesterday she had gone into the barn alone while three of the workers had been in there. She had wanted to tend to a few of her favorite horses and while she'd shaken like a leaf for the first few minutes she'd been in that enclosed space with them--she had done it and she was proud.
"You've done a real good job with this place, Temp," Tanner admitted. "These horses are some of the nicest working horses I've seen. They're all broad and stout and strong."
"Horses became my focus the last few years. I love working with them and I've overseen all the breeding to try to make our horses the best I can."
"You've done that job well," Tanner reached out and ran his hand over the flank of a breeding male named Rogue. His offspring were proving to be some of the best horseflesh that Temperance--or anyone else--had ever seen.
"I felt safe with the horses... I felt as if I could trust them when I trusted no one else," Temperance admitted.
"I'm glad you had them," Tanner smiled warmly. "I'm glad they were able to give you some peace of mind."
Temperance nodded and nuzzled a young colt's neck. He let out a snort and stepped closer to her. "I admit I had ulterior motives for wanting to spend some time alone with you today," she stated without turning her gaze to Tanner.
Tanner coughed and then cleared his throat loudly. "What kind of motives were those?"
"To talk about you."
"What about me?" Tanner questioned with surprise.
Temperance sighed and stepped away from the young colt. She looked up into Tanner's eyes and bit her lip. "You have spent the last few weeks so focused on me and everything that I have needed and I think it's time that we focused on you."
"Temperance, I'm fine," Tanner shook his head. "I'm here with you and Jackson and...."
"I deserve better than that from you," Temperance warned.
Tanner's blue/gray eyes narrowed slightly. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that I deserve better than to be lied to."
Tanner sighed with defeat. "I am not going to add stress to you, Temp. You don't need to be worrying yourself about me."
Temperance glared up at him and then turned on her heel and began to walk away. She was angry. She wanted to help Tanner and he was treating her as if she were a child. Tanner quickly came around her and stopped her in her tracks. She looked up at him and marveled at just how much taller and more broad his frame was than hers.
"Temp, please don't walk away from me angry," he pleaded.
Temperance could see the guilt in his eyes and it caused her temper to fade. "Then let me in, Tanner," she replied, using the very words he had used with her. "You won't step on the front porch, you sleep outside even during storms, your nightmares seem to be growing worse and just yesterday you nearly turned around and shot Silas when he entered the barn and dropped that board...."
"I thought it was a gunshot," Tanner quickly interrupted. "I didn't hear him enter and I only heard that bang behind me. Anyone would have reacted the same..."
Temperance shook her head. "No, they wouldn't have. Your finger was on that trigger and that gun was against the man's head in less than a second. Not everyone would have done that."
Temperance searched Tanner's eyes for a sign as to what he was thinking. He had helped her so immensely in the short time he had been home and she wanted to help him. The man had made her realize that she did have a strength inside of her and he had inspired her to use that strength and begin to overcome her past. She wanted to help him overcome his as well.
Tanner acted so tough and sure of himself but Temperance remembered that look that had been in his eyes when they had first met. That blank stare--the deadness--it had been a familiar sight and had formed an instant kinship between their souls. Temperance knew that deep down he had wounds festering and rotting and she wanted to help him heal those before they ate away at him and took away the happiness she now could see looking back at her most of the time when their eyes met.
"Temperance, I'm okay, I swear it...."
"Then walk up the front steps and come inside with me," Temperance challenged.
Tanner opened his mouth, clamped it close and then opened it again, "I can't."
"Why? Tell me how you feel, Tanner."
"Temperance...."
"I promise I can handle it, Tanner," Temperance assured him as she rested her hand upon his cheek. "I'm not as weak as I once thought I was. Please, open up to me just the same as I have you. Trust me as much as I've trusted you."
Tanner stared down at her for several moments and then turned away. He strode to open barn door and then kicked it hard. "I can't cross that porch because all I see when I get near it is my brother! I hear him laughing as he walked away from me and I feel that cold-hearted desperation take over me as I pull that trigger and shoot him in the back."
Temperance winced as memories of that night flooded back to her. Memories of watching that knife blade slice across Mary's throat. Memories of those three men tying her down and shoving themselves inside of her. Memories of Trevor and his whip....
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Tanner whispered, his voice tight.
Temperance shook her head. She reached out and took his hand in hers. "No, I'm only going to listen."
Temperance watched with surprise as everything about Tanner seemed to crumble in that moment. He sat down hard on a stack of hay bales and buried his head in his hands as his shoulders sagged.
Temperance went to him and sat down beside him. She laid her head on his shoulder and he surprised her when he grabbed her up, pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her neck. Temperance would have been terrified by this contact not long ago but now she was touched by it. She felt hot tears against her skin but said nothing as Tanner's shoulders heaved.
Temperance was happy to be the 'strong' one just now. "Let it out, Tanner. Talk to me," she whispered.
"Temperance, I've seen things and done things that I can't tell you about... I don't want you having those images in your head. That prison camp was hell--pure hell. Men dying all around me and left to rot in the same tiny dirt floored cell I was in. We had meals every few days and it was always moldy bread and rancid meat... sometimes we'd get lucky and catch a rat but we didn't have any way of cooking it so you had to eat it as it was..."
Temperance's stomach turned but she said nothing. She knew now how therapeutic simply speaking could be when you had someone who cared to say the words to.
"They seemed to enjoy taking us out into this field one at a time and tying us to a fallen tree. They would leave us there for days in the elements with no food and no water. Sometimes it would be so cold you'd be sure your blood would freeze and sometimes it would be so hot that your skin would burn. You'd start to see things that weren't there and hear things in the silence.... A lot of men lost their minds and their lives in that field."
Temperance could hardly imagine the terror he'd endured. She too had been left alone with no food or water in her life but it had always been indoors where she'd had the protection of a roof and walls...except for the one time that Trevor had tied her to that tree.
"When I was freed I was nearly too weak to get up and walk out of that place. I didn't want to come back to this plantation but I had no where else to go. I was in no hurry to see my brother. I knew that he had sent me off to war to die--worse though, he had paid the Union Troops at that prison camp to keep me there. I've never told anyone that. He didn't know that I knew and I never told him I knew." Tanner paused and raised his head with a sniff. His lips brushed Temperance's temple in a light caress and instead of fear she felt heat as she snuggled closer to him.
"I came here and saw you, saw the state of the workers, realized he was still treating them as slaves and property and I knew I had to do something... I didn't want to kill Trevor. I didn't want that on my conscience.. Until I saw what he did to you that night. I have never wanted to kill someone so badly in all my life as I did in that moment. You know the rest of that story. Prison wasn't as bad as the prison camp but it wasn't a picnic either. I had to fight to stay alive and earn a place among those men. There was only one thing that helped me make it through those long days of being trapped in a tiny cell of rocks and bars and that was thinking of you... I knew you had shoved me out of your life and it hurt but I couldn't shove you out of mine, Temp. You're all that I was living for."
Temperance felt a tear slip down her own cheek. She would give anything to take back her own stupid actions. Her mind was in a better place now and she could see how foolish, how selfish, she had been all those years--not just toward Tanner but toward everyone. She had been in so much pain that she simply hadn't been able to see anyone else's.
"The nightmares are always the war," Tanner continued. "The cannons, gun shots, men screaming as their arms and legs are sawed off.... I can't sleep beneath a roof because I feel trapped and caged in like an animal. I can't step across that porch because I just see his blood pooling there. I'm always waiting on someone to attack us. I wake up every morning expecting to have to fight for my life. There's parts of me that are broken too, Temp. Parts I'm not sure I can fix."
Temperance was quiet a moment longer as she tried to think of something to say. She looked into his eyes and offered him a little smile. "Maybe two broken people can come together to make a whole?"
Tanner's cheeks crinkled as his lips curved happily. His eyes filled with love even as they crinkled at the corners. "With you by my side, Temp, I'm pretty damn sure I can get through anything."
Temperance's heart swelled and she smiled up at him, "I feel the same way about you, Tanner. Thank you. Thank you for helping me to see that I'm not as weak as I thought I was. Thank you for showing me that I can overcome my past and my pain."
Tanner's fingertips danced across her cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too...."
Their eyes met and Temperance could see the want in Tanner's eyes. She saw his tongue dart across his lips as his gaze dropped to her mouth. She knew where his mind had gone and her mind went that way too. She was trembling as she leaned forward.
Their lips brushed and her eyes slid closed.
Temperance leapt away and let out a scream before wrapping her arms around herself and gasping for breath. Her heart was pounding and she couldn't seem to draw in any air. Flashbacks flooded her mind. Memories of Trevor, of Yancy, of the other men who had taken her, forced her, hurt her....
"Temp?"
Temperance shook her head and continued to rock back and forth as she kept her eyes squeezed tight and her arms tight around herself.
"Temperance, come back to me, sweetheart," Tanner's voice broke through the terror, the pain, the fear. His voice was a light in the distance, shining through the darkness and Temperance went toward it. She felt his arms close around her and she breathed in his scent as her head came to rest on his chest. His heartbeat beneath her ear soothed her and brought her back to the present.
"I've got you, Temperance. Come back to me, sweetheart."
"I'm sorry," she gasped as she clung to him with fierce desperation. "I'm so sorry." Shame filled her at the knowledge that once again she had been weak and was clinging to Tanner..
Tanner shushed her quietly and tenderly rubbed her back. "You have nothing to apologize for," he insisted. "Are you okay?"
"Y..yes," Temperance nodded, pulled away and squared her shoulders. She took his hands in hers and offered a shaky, tearful smile. "We're both going to be just fine."
"That's right," Tanner agreed, using his thumb to gently smooth away the dampness on her cheek. "How about we get away from here a few hours?" He motioned toward the horses and smiled. "Let's go for a ride."