Harry
"They want me to talk to you," I tell Ellie, feeling uncomfortable to even touch the subject of death now that she has beaten the odds again.
"About what?"
"If things get too hard you want to be put to sleep."
"Like a dog?" She asks, disgust clear in her voice.
"No, not to die, it is not to shorten your life. Anyway, I think you should talk about it with the doctor. He can explain it better than I can."
"What do you think?" She asks after a short silence, taking me by surprise.
"About what?"
"About the sleeping thing."
"I know it to be better. At least I'd know for sure you're not suffering."
"But you'd had to watch me, die slowly."
"Isn't that what I'm doing right now?" I counter back, shifting in my seat. We haven't really talked about this all yet, and part of me was hoping to put it off inequality, but seeing her suffer through her fever, I don't want that again. Her body is tired, and as long as she feels the needs to be here for me, she won't pass. Maybe if she'll get a little bit of help, she'll be able to let go. She deserves to.
"You're right. I'll talk to the doctor."
"Have you talked to Liz lately? Or anyone else?" I wonder and she shakes her head.
"Is this the moment where we're going to discuss who I want to say goodbye too?"
"Ellie," I say, addressing her by her name in hopes she'll listen. "I think this is the time. Or do you want her here when you're covered in sweat and can't speak anymore?"
"Of course not," she says, thinking it over. "I'll talk to Abby about it."
"Whatever," I tell her, standing up from my seat near her bed. "I'm going out."
"Out?"
"Yes, out, if that's okay," I add, praying that she won't mind.
"Sure," she says. "Where are you going?"
"A wine bar with Abby and some of her friends."
"Okay, enjoy yourselves. I believe Barbara is stopping by later."
"She is, and Abby will be here in the morning."
"Good, have a fun evening, Harry."
I walk away, glad she isn't addressing the fact that I'm going out with someone of the opposite sex. It isn't a date, it is only to get me to relax and so far all Abby's idea's have worked fine. It works better than simply staying at home, watching mother sleep and then falling asleep for a few hours until I wake up again by Alex's screams.
A few hours later I find myself in the rosy comfort of a terrace heater and a wine arrangement that has come to an end. Abby's brother, Joe, and her boyfriend Dean joined us later on and it is nice to spend time with people who don't know me. There's no judgement.
Abby has leaned back, propped her feet up on another seat and closes her eyes. Tonight we talked more about marriage and Maxime and I'm surprised how open she talks about it even with her boyfriend close. I'm not used to such honesty and it shows me that I handled everything with Alex so wrong. I kept secrets and I always have from the moment we met. It's why she doesn't trust me.
The openness Abby shows me helps me and slowly I feel myself open up about my relationship with my family and my ex to who she refers to as the one with great skin. Alex would find that hilarious, and I do too, because Abby has great skin herself. Maybe that has to do with being comfortable in your skin that it shines through and I haven't seen Alex as comfortable and relax as Abby is right now for a long time.
"Why did you keep in touch with that Susie then?" Abby wonders, opening her eyes briefly.
"Because I wasn't sure if Alex would want me back, and if I wanted her back."
"Why not?"
"She kissed Liam, and then let me go back to England. I blamed myself so many times for fucking things up with her, and it turns out it was a two-persons job. I don't know. It felt right at the time to not give up on either of them."
"It's always a two-person job though. Maybe one party is to blame more than the other, but it always is something you do together."
"Well, in the end, her kissing Liam and not telling doesn't weigh up to the fact that I stayed in a relationship with someone while I fucked her, and then let her believe everything would be fine in time. When she came back to England for the first time she told me that I was the one and that it didn't matter how long she had to wait for me to come to my conclusion and she apologized a million times for what she did, and even then I didn't tell her although she waited for me to forgive her for months while she was in Palas. It's a shit thing, but then when she told me it was the first time I actually believed her while before I was constantly afraid that she would run off to someone else. Then I knew I had to keep it from her, and break things off with Susie for good."
"Do you still believe she's the one?" Abby wonders softly, looking at me over the last glass of wine we were granted.
"I do," I admit to her, letting my own feet rest up on the chair in front me. It looks comfortable. "But I also am starting to believe that might not be enough to make it."
"That I don't know. And that Susie, do you guys still talk?" I shake my head. I haven't heard from her since that night at the pub and I intend on keeping it that way. "And Alex?"
"There's a text here and there, not much."
"Must be hard."
"It is," I admit. "There's also something else."
Abby sits up a bit straighter as she must hear from the tone of my voice that I want to tell her something I'm ashamed off, and one of the main reasons why I'm not fighting for Alex like she wants me to.
"What then?"
"I dream of her, and they aren't pleasant once."
"What happens then?"
"She attacks me every time. Just like she did in the hospital, but it gets harder. She gets angrier with every dream, as if she's trying to kill me and then I wake up."
"I would call that a nightmare, and you're clearly traumatised of seeing her at her worst like that."
"It's more that it is a constant reminder of why I don't deserve her. I was the one who broke her."
"I don't know Harry," Abby says with a frown, "you seem like a wonderful guy who's thoughtful and loving. It's such bullshit to believe that you don't deserve someone. Why wouldn't you? Because she ended up in the hospital after she found out about Susie? That's something she did herself, and is honestly not the most healthy reaction."
"I drove her there," I mumble, trying to listen to Abby's words, but also feel weird to have a stranger talk about our relationship so direct.
"What you did was wrong, Harry, but the way she reacted is her own decision. She could have handled it many different ways and that she choose this way is probably much more complex than just your actions. If that would happen to me, for instance, I would simply dump you, cry for a good week, and try to get on with life. Or think about how your mother reacted to things in her marriage that she told me about. And look at yourself. You're still standing and facing one of the hardest situations ever, and what did she do? Physically hurt you? No matter the situation, that is always wrong and you don't deserve to beat yourself up over it."
"Maybe not, but I do anyway."
"I hope the wine lets you sleep then," Abby says, getting up from her seat and throwing some money on the table. "I have to go or I won't be able to get to your mother tomorrow morning."
I get up with her and let her give me a half hug before sitting down again and watch her leave with Dean. Joe and I stay behind and we talk some more about Alex. It feels good to vent about her and to hear things from a different perspective. It helps me see things in a different light and realize that maybe it wasn't all my fault. After another hour we both go inside to pay the rest of the wine arrangement. After thanking the server and saying goodbye to Joe, I walk back home, hoping that Abby is right and that I'm able to sleep tonight.
Mother is already off to dreamland and I watch her for a second before I strip down and fall in bed half naked. It's a cold evening, but summer is on it's way. They're predicting a heatwave this week and it makes me think of Alex. It's her first summer back and I planned on spending it with her. Then after summer I wanted to surprise her with a holiday to Palas. It all seems so stupid now, and although there's truth to Abby's words, I know that Alex will keep haunting my dreams. Instead of the wine helping me sleep, I'm tossing and turning, my eyes not closing.
Just when I think of getting out of bed and giving up on sleep all together, my phone lights up. Curious to see who is messaging me in the middle of the night, I take it off the nightstand. To my surprise it is a text from Alex, and in one swift motion I'm upright in bed.
Alex: how is your mother?
Unsure if I should respond back so quick, I read it again and again, then go back to her earlier messages about the boxes, keys and the house, realizing it is the first time she's asking me anything personal since she found out about Susie. I have to answer her and be true to her. That's what I learned tonight.
Harry: She's not well.
Since I've been here, she's had three fevers.
As of now she's too weak to get out of bed.
Eating and drinking is a struggle. It won't be long.
It feels almost weird to suddenly be in contact with her again. Do I apologize again? Do I ask her how she's been? What's the right protocol for these sort things? Also, I can't help but wonder why she's reaching out all of the sudden at this hour. Someting must have triggered her.
Alex: breaks my heart to hear that.
hope she's not in pain
Harry: She's not. It will be okay
Alex: it won't harry.
It won't. She has a valid point there. It won't be okay for my mother and I doubt it will be for me. Abby had a point when she spoke about Alex having much more complex problems and that still not justifying her reaction, but at least it took away the guilt from me for a second. Alex knows that I won't be fine after all this is done, and it is because of the death of her parents that Alex isn't okay either. Not just because of me.
Alex: hope you're okay
Harry: Really?
A part of me wants her to repeat it although I could read the words over and over again. I just can't imagine her carring for me in this moment. Maybe that's why she's texting, because she's thinking about her father or her mother and feels sorry that soon I'll be feeling something close to it.
Alex: yes, I wrote you that
And then it hits me why she's texting. Because she wrote a letter and I never responded. She must have thought I would by now, and that if I hadn't, my mother must be suffering or death.
Harry: I know you did.
I love that picture, it's next to me as we speak.
Alex: my face isn't helping you sleep then
Harry: No a picture isn't cutting it.
I prefer the real deal.
My heart beats in my throat as I wait for her response. Whatever it is, I know it will tell me where we stand. It takes her long like I expected, but when she finally does, her text makes my heart turn to ice.
Alex: why didn't you fight for me if you do?
Harry: Because the first time I came around you tried to choke me.
Then you blocked me. I wonder what you expect me to do..
Maybe it is a bit too straight forward, but I need to tell her why she still haunts my dreams and not in the good way.
Alex: i am sorry.. if it makes you feel better, i'm doing better
Harry: It does make me feel better. You scared me.
Alex: i know.. it was all wrong
Harry: Why can't you sleep?
Alex: needed to know everything arrived okay
and that you're okay too
Harry: So you can go to sleep now?
Alex: yes, i'm going to now
sleep tight
Harry: Sleep well, Lexie
Finally I feel like I can breathe a bit, and I let myself fall down on the bed. Without any tossing and turning I fall asleep. And for the first time I dream of Alex in a way that I always used to. Her hands not choking me to hurt me, but to please me. By the time I wake up I miss her even more than I did before and stay in bed a little longer, thinking about her.