Hey everyone! I hope the past few days have been great!! Thank you all for the comments and prayers that I make the volleyball team, and they worked! I'll be playing back row, and sorry for the lack of updates, but six hour practices are killing me, and exhausting my body. School starts next week, so expect 1-2 chapters a week! And Sweater Weather is coming up!! I love Fall! Please enjoy this chapter, and review!
"Er, baby?" Jay rolled over, his eyes shooting open to the commotion next to him.
There Erin was, for the third night in a row since they arrived home, thrashing in her sleep. Her face in the pillow, thrashing her legs, kicking them, her eyes clenched shut shone through the moonlight.
"Please, Scott. Don't. Don't do it. I'll get on my back, I will. Just please don't hurt me." She whimpered, still thrashing around violently.
Jay did what he had gotten into the habit of doing. He pinned her arms down and turned her facing towards him, pulling her to his chest, caressing her back. "Erin. Wake up, it's just a dream." Jay soothed, holding her shaking body.
She curled into his chest, her whole body shaking, her sobs subsiding to whimpers. "I'm sorry, Jay." She would cry this every night, apologizing for awakening him.
Jay shook his head. "You have nothing to apologize for, Er." Jay hated when she would blame herself for this. She had no idea Scott and Damien would kidnap her and brutally assault her.
"Do I really have to go see Dr. Gorelik. I saw him when we arrived three days ago." Erin now hated going to therapy. Hated it. Before hand, she was always reluctant to, but now? She felt guilty, vulnerable, and worthless.
"Twice a week, yes. Until the nightmares stop and you can take a shower by yourself and walk around the apartment by yourself you will be going twice a week." Jay hated this conversation. He swore he had it with her every hour.
Erin groaned. She was going to be okay. "And when everything goes away?"
"You will go once a month, Erin. Hank and I already discussed that. Any other questions?" Jay told her this every. Single. Day. Literally.
Erin shook her head, dropping it back down to his chest and Jay started to draw lazy circles on her back as her body relaxed. "Can we just go to bed, Jay?"
He kissed the top of her head. "I'd love nothing more. I'll be right here."
The day they got back from Hawaii was a disaster. Once they got off the plane, they went home and showered, taking a two hour nap, then headed to Erin's five o'clock counseling appointment with Dr. Gorelik. Jay waited outside, his heart breaking when he would hear Erin cry through the door talking about the attack. Dr. Gorelik then agreed with Dr. Malia, calling Jay into the room, and telling them both at the same time he would diagnose Erin with PTSD.
Jay had no idea what to think. He was emotionally frustrated with everything. He never saw Erin in this state, the girl he loves, and it was shredding him apart. He didn't want Erin to be hurting. He wanted to take the pain from her and carry it on his shoulders. Voight had gave him two weeks off to take care of Erin, and after that she was all alone for the day, until he got home at night. He wasn't scared she would hurt herself, but he was scared she would keep reliving the moment, having constant breakdowns.
But, what scared him the most was the thought of her pushing him away.
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Erin's eyes blinked open, her hands going to shield her eyes from the bright sun. Once her eyes were adjusted, she turned over to Jay's side if the bed, finding it empty. She reached across the bed and felt the cold sheets, knowing he must have been up for awhile. Why didn't he wake me?
Erin slowly got out of bed, her feet hitting the cool hard wooded floor sending chills through her body. She walked over to the mirror, examining herself. Jay's Ranger hoodie fell to her thighs, the purple splotches still visible. She cringed at herself. She had lost so much weight in the past week and a half, inly living off of Jay's pancakes, tea, and tortilla chips with queso dip.
That's all she would wear. One of Jay's shirts and shorts. Sometimes she would even turn the AC to sixty degrees and slip on sweats to coverup all the bruises Scott left behind.
She knew Jay was tired. He would always be awake first, go to bed last, and followed her everywhere. He was probably tired of her. Why wouldn't he be? She was a screwup.
The smell of Jay's pancakes elided her from her thoughts, and she slowly walked into the kitchen of her apartment, Jay's bare back to her, flipping pancakes onto a plate. His pants laid low, and she walked passed him, to the fridge pulling out the iced tea she had bought at a local tea shop.
Jay's head turned and he frowned when he saw the purple marks on her thighs. Why would anyone do that to her? His girl. He would never forgive himself for not finding her earlier.
He turned off the stove, putting the pan in the sink, walking over to Erin. "Morning, Er." He enveloped her into a hug, Erin accepting it.
"Hi." She nuzzled her head into Jay's shoulder, tightening her grip.
Jay knew this would be one of Erin's longer days, just the way she was acting. "How'd you sleep? I made your pancakes." He smiled, rubbing her back as he guided them over to the stools in her kitchen, taking a seat next to Erin.
Erin smiled gratefully, happily taking three pancakes from the plate, and giving the other three to Jay's and putting butter and maple syrup over the chocolatey and strawberry sweetness. She had loved his pancakes for the past ten months. The first tome Jay ever stayed the night at her place after a hard case, the next morning she awoke to the smell and fell in love with him ever since.
"I slept okay. I've slept better. How about you?" Erin asked, stuffing her face with pancakes.
Jay nodded. He knew she didn't sleep well. Prior to the attack, when he would stay over or she would, his arms would always instinctively fall around her, pulling her into an embrace. Neither of them cared either. But now, they would always start in Jay's arms, but Erin would always toss and turn, and Jay finally gave up after the first night. "I slept okay. I was worried about you."
Erin sighed, finishing her pancakes in record time. She was starving. "Do you want some toast?" She asked, making her way over to the toaster, popping in two pieces for herself.
Jay's eyes followed her closely, looking at her skinny frame. She had lost so much weight. Too much weight. She needed to eat a lot. "Sure. Cinnamon toast?" Jay asked. He and Erin loved cinnamon toast. Every other Thursday they would go to CW's a local diner, and order two cups of iced coffee, cinnamon toast, and split bacon and eggs.
Erin nodded, reaching up to the spice cabinet, Jay's hoodie clinging to her abdomen, revealing more blue and purple marks. "And Jay, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. This all will be a lot better in a few weeks." She smiled confidently.
Jay knew otherwise. Life would go back to normal eventually, she just needs to take it day by day. Tonight Hank would come over for supper, Erin agreeing to cook her legendary spahgetti. "Er, I'll always worry about you. You know that."
Erin looked at him, sighing. "Jay. I'll be okay. Only a few more weeks then we can have our fun." She shrugged her shoulders. She knew after they had their fun, he'd leave her. "Then you can leave me, like every man does after sex. That's all they want." Erin tried to hide the tears pooling in her eyes, facing the toaster, beginning to spread butter on the four pieces.
She didn't want Jay to leave. He couldn't. They'd been through so much together, and they were partners. She needed him to stay.
Jay's eyes widened, and he stood out of his chair, walking over to Erin as she put the butter knife in the sink and the butter in the fridge. Jay grabbed Erin's waist gently, knowing it was sensitive, and pulled her close to him. "Er." He caressed her cheek, lifting her head so there eyes could meet. "I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I love you way to much, and I couldn't live without you. Yes, I'm excited to finally have sex with you after a year and a half." They both laughed, Jay pulling Erin to his chest. "But I'm most excited to spend my life with you." Jay kissed the top of her head, caressing her back.
Erin smiled into his chest. She knew Jay was here to stay, and wasn't going anywhere. "I love you, Jay. So much." Erin moved out of his embrace, putting cinnamon onto the toast. Walking over and placing two pieces on both plates, Taking a seat next to Jay.
"I love you too, Erin." Jay placed his hand on her knee, looking to make sure it didn't trigger anything.
Erin glanced over to Jay, her lips rolling up into a small smile. "You're fine, Jay. It doesn't trigger anything, to answer you question."
He nodded, his hand squeezing her shoulder. "Sorry. I don't want to hurt you."
"Jay," Erin looked up at him, shaking her head. "You aren't just don't call me sweetie." The name shook her whole body. Sweetie. Sweetie. Come here, sweetie. Good job, sweetie. You're so close, sweetie. Sweetie. Erin put her half piece of toast left down on her plate. She dropped her head into her hands. Sweetie. She couldn't do it.
Jay dropped his toast, his heart cringing at the sight. He lightly scooped her trembling body up, moving them both to the couch, placing her on top of him, stroking her hair. "Er, shhh. It's okay." He rocked them both, trying to calm her down.
"You don't get it... Jay." She cried into his chest. "He.. He called me.. sweetie." Her voice cracked when she said that word.
Sweetie.
Jay did not know much of what happened to Erin, as he was still attempting to get it out of her. "Erin, please tell me what happened. I'll understand better." He knew he shouldn't push it, but he needed to know what happened to her.
Erin looked up at him, Jay using his fingers to wipe away her tears. "You really care, Do you really want to know?" Erin shook her head. She didn't want him to know. He would see how weak she was. But, if she wants to have a good relationship with Jay, he needs to know.
Jay nodded his head eagerly. "I want to know it all, Er. Please, tell me everything." He had to know. What did they do to her to make her this broken and scared?
Erin nodded slowly, preparing herself. "I will start from the beginning. I got into the Uber, Scott was driving it and two men came out of nowhere. Then I ended up at the house. Scott gave me a weird lingerie outfit, the one you found me in, and then he strapped me down to the bed." She broke down in tears, and saw the anger in Jay's eyes. "He made me do everything for him. Lap dances, and so much more. I felt like an animal, Jay." She continued to cry into his chest. "Then he shoved a vibrator into me and forced me to come for him. I'm sorry, Jay. Please don't leave me." He knew. Jay now knew what happened. He was going to leave her. She knew that.
"God, Erin." Jay pulled her into his chest, peppering her face with kisses. "I'm so sorry, baby. You're so strong." Jay cradled her head, his own tears falling down his cheeks.
"He made me scream his name, and choose what he would do to me. I couldn't do it. But, he never raped me. It was always a vibrator or a finger." She continued to cry, Jay's bare chest covered in Erin's tears, his own tears falling into her hair.
Jay was astonished. All the vaginal damage done to Erin was caused by a vibrator and a hand? Scott was even more screwed up. "I'm so sorry baby." He hushed her, continuing to cradle her emotional body.
"Jay, please don't leave me." Erin cried. She couldn't have him leave her, not now.
"Erin, I'm never leaving you. That will never happen, I promise." Jay repositioned them on the couch, sitting up more.
Erin nuzzled her head into the crook of his neck, gripping him so hard, scared if she let go he'd be gone.
"Do you want to go take a shower?" Jay looked at her, wiping away the strand pieces of hair covering her face.
"Come with me?" She asked. Jay always did since they got home. Erin was too scared to take one by herself. She couldn't stand to be alone, worried he would come back for her.
"Of course." Jay smiled, lifting her off of him and placing her one the couch. He stood up, taking her by her hands and guiding her into the bathroom. He set out two towels, helping Erin strip of her clothes. He checked the water, checking to make sure it was warm enough, and then peeling off his own clothes before opening the shower door, allowing Erin to go in first, Jay right behind her.
They stood in the shower silently, taking turns underneath the warm water. Jay loved moments like these. It was the little things like this, he loved. He loved seeing Erin so quiet, and peaceful. When she would fall asleep Jay could stay awake for hours memorizing her features. He loved every single part of her.
"Jay?" Erin turned around, facing Jay.
Jay rested his hands on her hips, rubbing his thumbs against the wet skin. "Yes, Er?"
"Will you go in with me tomorrow with Dr. Gorelik. Like a joint session? I think it would help both of us." Erin spoke, hope in her voice.
Jay's lips curled into a smile. "Of course I will, baby. Anything you want, I'll do." He kissed her temple, getting her hair wet as they both washed each other.
Erin smiled, kissing his chest. "I love you Jay. So much."
He moved a piece of hair out of her face, kissing her deeply. "Hank won't be here until six, and we have to start supper at five. Want to try to get in a nap? It's only eleven. We could fit a five hour nap in." Jay wanted sleep so bad, and he knew Erin did as well.
"Sounds perfect." They finished washing each other gently, Jay placing a kiss over each bruise.
"You're so strong, Er. I'm so proud of you." Jay turned off the water, handing Erin a towel, allowing her to dry herself as he dried himself.
Erin nodded her head. She wrapped the towel around her frame tightly, following Jay out of the bathroom into the bedroom. He handed her one of his t-shirts. "Sweats or shorts?" He never knew shat she wanted.
Erin thought for a moment. "Shorts."
Jay handed her a pair of her sleep shorts, as she dressed herself, drying her hair through the towel. Jay himself got dressed as he watched her intently. He loved her body. It was perfect in every way.
Erin picked up the brush, and turned to Jay, who was now dressed in a pair of sleep shorts himself. "Jay, will you brush out my hair?"
He smiled and nodded. "Of course." He took the brush from Erin's hand, brushing it, then drying it with the towel, brushing through it one last time before setting the brush back down on her dresser.
"Thank you." Erin smiled, hugging Jay tightly.
"Anytime. Ready love?" Jay motioned to the bed and when Erin nodded, he walked over to his side of the bed, getting in and making sure Erin was in the bed, and comfortable, he settled.
Jay raised his arm and Erin took his invitation and snuggled in close to him. "Jay?" Erin looked up at him.
"Yes?" He smiled down at her, her eyes glistening with love.
"You know, I was thinking... If you want... I mean, maybe it's too soon. But, did you want to move in? You told me your lease is up in October and you didn't want to live there another year, and I really would like company, so do you want to talk to Hank and Dr. Gorelik what they think about us moving in together?" She asked nervously, anxiety caking her voice, the fear of rejection filling her eyes.
"I'd love too, Erin." Jay smiled, kissing the top of her head. He couldn't wait to live with her. Waking up to her would no longer be a temporary event, it would be every single day.
Erin's eyes shone with happiness. "I can't wait." She hugged Jay, and Jay slid his arms around her waist.
"Me too, baby." He kissed her shoulder, seeing her eyes flutter closed. "I love you." She smiled, knowing what he said before mumbling something incoherently. Her body relaxed, and Jay's wasn't far behind her.
I hope you liked this chapter!! My #ChiHard t-shirt is coming in this week!! So excited! If you want to talk about my book, or anything, please feel free to DM me!! I love having writing and internet buddies. Thank you all for the comments, reviews, and favorites!! I appreciate so much, you all have no idea!! I'm planning for the next chapter to be up Wednesday- Friday ish. Please favorite and review! Thank you all and have a great week!