It was just last month when Dan finally had the balls to admit to himself that he was in fact, very much in love with his best friend. It was obvious to everyone except for the both of them really. So the whole month, Dan kept trying to be extra flirty to Phil. He wasn't gonna mope about Phil not loving him. He wanted to make a move. Only... Slowly. Like today, when Dan was cooking Phil's favourite meal for dinner. Phil was outside, doing Phil things. He seemed to disappear a lot these days but Dan didn't mention it.
Phil needed space. A breather. Being in the same house with someone for years start to take their toll . Phil never wanted to admit it, Dans his best friend and he would never want to hurt him. He never thought he would say it and it hurt his chest to even think of it; he was getting sick of Dan
Dan dressed up the dinner and sat down, waiting for Phil to come home. Sometimes, phil was a little mean to Dan, especially recently, but Dan was sure he was imagining it.
Phil walked back into the house, flustered and red faced, the salty tears rubbed away with the sleeve of his grey jumper. He needed to tell Dan that he wanted to move out, or at least rent another apartment for some time, but as soon as Phil walked through the door, he smelt the food Dan had cooked and feebly headed to the dining table where Dan was sat with an awkward smile
"Hey, loser, I made your favourite." Dan smiled. He was honestly desperate to see his old Phil back. The one who would praise him, make him laugh and poke fun at him. This Phil was only ever annoyed with Dan.
Phil huffed slightly aggravated pulling his chair out harsher than expected "Dan honestly if you keep cooking my favourite meals every couple of days I'm gonna get sick of it." He groaned at the sight of the food before him. He wasn't hungry at all but to show a little gratitude to Dans effort he decided to pick up the food and take a mouthful
"Oh, um, do you prefer something else?" Dan forced a smile and played with his thumbs. Phil looked so irritated just by Dan's presence.
Phil tried to look up and force a smile "just any food will be fine, look thanks for the food and all but I really don't want to eat at the moment Dan, I've lost all my appetite." Phil groaned with a low voice trying to keep himself from snapping again, his leg violently starting to shake up and down under the table
"B-But I worked really hard... Do you want me to heat it up for you later?" Dan asked softly and looked down.
Phil tried to suppress and irritated huff of annoyance, that whiny noise Dan made when something didn't go his way had been grinding away at his nerves. "Dan for the Lords sake just fucking shut up with that god damn annoying whiny sound! Do whatever the fuck you want with it I'm going to bed." Phil shouted, all the built up tension and irritation was driven into those sentences Phil stood up quickly from him chair, slowly heading towards the door with his arms now being his head
"O-Okay." Dan whimpered quietly and looked at the table. He had hoped Phil would joke with him and tell him his food was good. "I-I'll um," Dan whimpered again and stood up to clear the plates
Phil felt his heart clench, what the fuck was going on with him? Why was he acting like an asshole? Phil ran his hands through his partially sweaty hair as he turned back to look at Dan, "look Dan I'm sorry for snapping I just have some heavy thought in my head that I don't want to be there- I appreciate the food you make but I just have no appetite." Phil tiredly and half heartedly tried to apologise
"It's fine. I'm going out for a bit." Dan mumbled and abandoned cleaning up. He grabbed his phone and wallet. Fuck this. Why did he try at all? This was useless.
Phil was taken aback when he felt Dan hurriedly pushed past him in the doorway "Dan wait-" Phil slightly helplessly called out after him as he heard Dans keys, he walked to the front door "don't leave I really am sorry for snapping- I-." Phil cut himself off, he really couldn't be bothered fighting for Dan to stay when his mind is telling him to let him to leave
"Look, Phil, I've been kidding myself. I know you don't give a shit about me. I know you don't give a rat's ass if I lived or died." Dan said as he looked back at Phil. "So let me go. I know you don't really want to stop me anyway. Go back to your room. I won't bother you." He growled and finally walked away.
Phil hurried over to Dan and held his arm "What the heck are you talking about Dan? Of course I care if you live or die, you're my-" phil stopped himself, quickly swallowing "you're my best friend and I'm not going to let you out this house if I don't trust you to be sensible." Phil tried to reason with him, his loose gripping looser on the sleeve of Dans top
"Please leave me alone." Dan sighed and looked down tiredly. "I know you don't care because you've told me that yourself enough times in the past month. Please. Just let me go."
"Dan will you just listen a second, you're being over dramatic here- you're really accusing me of all this and running away because I didn't want to have food you'd prepared even though I explained why? Come on- get a grip here Dan you're acting really immature." Phil felt flustered as his anger was slowly on the build again
"Let me go, phil." Dan whined and tried to pull his arm away from Phil. His voice faltering but he desperately tried to sound strong
"Did you even listen to what I just bloody told you? Get a grip Dan and just see how you're over reacting? I don't understand how your little mind has managed to create this whole ordeal out of this fucking meal? You're making it seem like I ruined the most important meal of your life!" Phil snapped, as he pulled Dan around to face him and stood firmly in front of the door blocking Dan from getting out as he slowly dropped his grip on Dan
Dan whimpered and looked down. He didn't like it when Phil yelled at him. But that's all that Phil did really. "I was j-just," he whimpered in that same tone again, "I'm s-sorry. Just l-let me go."
"Oh my god- stop stuttering! You're acting so immature right now and I'm not letting you leave until you tell me why you are acting the way you are." Phil said firmly but trying to with-hold his anger knowing it won't get him anywhere with the shaky mess of Dan which stood in front of him
"Please, j-just let me g-go." Dan insisted weakly and walked forward, trying to push past Phil and get outside.
Phil was quick to grab Dan and push him firmly enough to get him away from the door as Phil put his back firmer against the door, his patience really driving low "Dan. Stop saying to let you go because that's not an option here." Phil said in the calmest way his could, his teeth grinding ever so slightly
Dan looked down. He didn't know what to do. He just didn't want to be here. He let out a soft scared whimper. He just needed to get out.
Phils breathing was now totally erratic and he looked at Dans weak figure in front of him, "stop with whimpering! You're a grown man not a fucking pouty 5 year old and I know there's something wrong with you because 2 years ago you wouldn't have behaved like this over a stupid fucking meal!" Phil snapped again, he stepped forward to Dan in an unintentional intimidating manor
Dan was scared. He stepped back instinctively and kept his eyes down. He felt weak in his knees. Was Phil going to hit him? If he was, dan just wanted it to be over with. He opened his mouth to speak but only a whimper left his lips.
"Stop acting like I'm going to kill you and tell me what's wrong! I'm supposed to be your god damn best friend yet here you are acting like God is crushing the word onto your shoulders!" Phil was shouting at Dan, all this pent up anger burning in his chest finally being let out stepping forward to Dan again
"I-I-I'm s-sorry, please!" Dan whimpered loudly and shut his eyes, raising his arms in defence and bracing himself for Phil to hit him.
Phil stopped walking, his eyes scanning over the position Dan was in. He was ready to shield himself thinking he was going to be hit. Phils chest was riding and falling quickly with his anger ridden shouts now turning into a mix of guilt and dread. Phil felt unknown to what to do "dan." Phil said firmly but a shakiness lay behind his words
"I'm sorry!" Dan cried against and kept his eyes shut. His heart was pounding in his ears. He could feel tears run down his cheeks uncontrollably.
"Dan- look at me." Phil says, his heart sinking with a defeated break, 'did Dan really think that low of me' Phil though, his eyes scanned the scared figure
I'll do a-as y-you say," Dan squeaked desperately as his breathing got more erratic
"Dan please, just look at me in the eyes." Phil said, now he was verging on pleading Dan, how had he let it escalate that bad
Dan couldn't do it. He really couldn't. He decided to run to his room and locked himself in
Phil felt well and truly devastated, he turned his body around so his back was against the wall as he slowly sat down, head running wild. This needs to stop, he needs to leave before he does something he'll regret
Dan struggled to breathe, his head clouded as he found himself laying on the floor of his room. Dan managed to calm himself down after his head stopped spinning and the tears of hurt and confusion slowly dried up, checking the time on his phone made his heart sink. It was barely 9pm. He made his way downstairs, ignoring Phils figure that lay asleep and he shut the door heading towards a local bar. He needed to clear his head.
Phil woke up to the sound of the door closing, his body too heavy to move or chase after Dan, who was her kidding, Dan wouldn't listen to him, he didn't need to start a fight he knew he'd loose. Phil began to stand up heading towards the kitchen, his neck aching after sleeping in a crooked position as flicked on the kettle, his head leant over the marble of the kitchen surface and thought about how this was going to be fixed
When Dan entered the bar, he was taken aback at the sight of so many people hanging around at this time. He peeked up the courage to sit at the bar had and he ordered at least a couple shots before actually loosening up. "Rough day?" The cliche line the bar tender asked as he took away the empty shot glasses "You know it." Dan sighed now finding himself bored as he waited for the buzz to kick in. Dan slowly felt the alcohol and adrenaline kick in as a guy had been looking at him not so subtly and he ended up heading towards him "hi, I'm Dan." He introduced himself , "I'm Graham." The man said with a deep casual voice as he stared Dan up and down "Want to have a little fun princess? I can make your dreams come true." He smirked grabbing the lower half of Dans back. "You'd have to buy me a few more drinks but I'd be more than glad to." Dan played the game hoping to get some free drinks and the affection he needed from Phil. The man bought more shots for Dan, which he winced as the stronger liquid burned his through slightly and ended up him being a stumbling mess "Now you're loosened up, how about I show you a good time." Graham mumbled as he slowly began to press Dan into the wall, his lips meeting Dans sensitive neck, meeting out a groan "fuck." Dan whispered as the clutches the back of the mans broad shoulders. He let the man trial down to his collar bone but Dans thoughts were racing of Phil. He can't bring himself to understand why he got so upset but he can't bring himself to stop thinking Phil was going to hit him. He wasn't he can tell that now but he got so scared he hit flight mode and ran away from his problems, again. The man tried to bring Dan to the bathroom but Dan shuck his head "I'm sorry I really can't do this." Dan said his breathe going shaky, the man noticed and he sighed irritated but let go of Dan, "I'll call you a cab mate you seem really unwell." Graham said softly as he kept his hand on Dans lower back feeling guilt for the hickeys he left. Before Dan knew he hit he was fumbling for his keys and heading into the house, his mind a swirling mess.
By the time Phil heard the door open he didn't move, the television was on and he tried to block out the sound of Dans heavy and drunk footsteps.
Dan stumbled and fell on the way up the stairs. Dan groaned and struggled not to throw up as he tried again.
As soon as Phil heard a bang he shot up off the couch heading towards were Dan was lay on the stairs groaning as he tried to stand up again, he slowly walked up the stairs behind him "Dan-" he said carefully "Let me help you."
"Philly!" Dan giggled as he looked up at him, very, very drunk. He was sporting hickeys on his neck. He tried standing up but fell again, "Ow..."
Phil was confused to the good reaction Dan gave when he saw him, wasn't he scared? Phil studied the boy before his eyes were drawn to the deep marks along Dans jaw and neck. A pang of jealously and possessiveness came over him. Who did that to Dan and why did he let her? Phil shook his head "Dan stand up for me." He spoke softly, his hand reaching to grab the lower back of Dan, and his arm to stop him from falling backwards in an attempt to stand
Dan completely melted into Phil's side and tucked his head in Phil's neck. He giggled softly and mumbled incoherently.
Phil used most of his strength to get Dan to the top of the stairs, his heart racing with a sense of relief. Dan was fully relaxed into him; that shows he feels safe, right? Phil shook his head by the time he got to Dans room, "he's intoxicated Phil, he's got to be sober yet don't get your hopes up." He said to himself as he sat Dan down on the bed as he took off Dans shoes
"Don't leave, pwease." Dan slurred as he lay back on his bed and let Phil take his shoes off. His lips were pulled into a pout and his eyes wide.
Phil gulped, he needed to help Dan but he could not sleep by him, for all he knew Dan could wake up and presume that Phil gave him the hickeys on his neck and freak out and never talk to him again. "Dan I can't I'll leave you some stuff in the morning and if you want you can knock for me in my room but I can't stay with you Dan I'm sorry." Phil sighed
"Pwease, come back, don't go." Dan's eyes teared up and he gripped onto Phil's pyjama top as tight as he could, which wasn't very tight as he was still intoxicated by the multiple drinks
Phil sighed softly "Dan I can't I'm sorry, I'll check on you in the morning." Gently holding Dans hand to get him to remove his grip not wanting to shove him away
Dan whined and let go of Phil, rolling over onto his side. He didn't have much time to mope as he fell asleep quickly. His thoughts racing, he needed to be with Phil.
Phil let out a sigh of relief as he watched Dan calmly fall asleep, he padded out from Dans room more confused from when Dan left. Why did Dan behave so calmly and why did he want Phil to stay? He quickly got some painkillers and water for when dan got up before heading to his own room and falling asleep.
In the morning, Dan woke up to a splitting headache. He groaned and pulled the blanket over his head. Why was everything so bright?
Phil was downstairs making a cup of coffee, his head swirling with the events that happened so quickly last night, but his mind kept focus on one thing. The hickeys that were spread out on Dans neck
Dan stayed still but the moment he rolled over, his stomach dropped. He got up and rushed to the bathroom as he threw up into the toilet.
Phils head perked up as he hears a sudden movement above his head before heading the hurl of Dan vomiting. Phil was torn as he didn't know whether Dan would want to see him or not. Phil knew one thing for sure, no matter what happened Dan was his best friend and he needed some support. Phil headed upstairs with a cold wet cloth as he opened the door to the bathroom and gently began to rub Dans back "I've got a cold cloth for you to put on your back." Phil said softly
"I-I-I'm sorry, I-I'll handle this." Dan whimpered, tensing up when Phil touched him. He had no memory of Phil helping him. Just making out with some guy and coming home shitfaced. He gripped onto the toilet seat and threw up again.
By the way Dan tensed Phil knew Dan didn't remember last night, "Dan it's okay don't worry." Phil soothed running his hand up his back "Can I put this cloth on your neck to cool you down? You're boiling." Phil said as he flushed the half full toilet when Dan had stopped throwing up for the second
"N-No, I can d-do it, I-I'm sorry I bothered you." Dan muttered and stayed on the floor, with his eyes down and his shoulders slumped.
"Dan hon listen, we need to talk but right now I need to make sure you're better, if you will be more comfortable me leaving then I will but I want to help you Dan, please." Phil said a little lost for words
"It's fine, r-really, I'm okay." Dan said quickly as he felt another wave of vomit raise up his throat.
Phil winced as Dan vomited again, rubbing his back involuntarily, "Dan if you want me to go then tell me but I want to help you." Phil said with a soft tone for Dan to let him help
This Phil sounded like his old Phil. It really did. Dan looked up at him with hope in his eyes. But no. Phil didn't like him anymore. This wasn't his old Phil. This Phil hated Dan's prescence with a passion and didn't care about him. Dan looked down again.
Phil could feel his heart sink as Dan looked away, Phil understood. He stood up with a emotionless expression and headed out of the bathroom shutting the door quietly. He headed back downstairs to the kitchen where his cold coffee was sitting. His head clouding with confusion and hurt
Dan stood up shakily and did his best to freshen up. He looked at all the hickeys on his neck and sighed. The guy at the club really went harshly on his neck. He tried to ignore them as he brushed his teeth and splashed some water on his face.
Phil sat on his phone, scrolling endlessly through twitter and his leg bounced nervously up and down, sitting his cold coffee. Dan didn't want to be alone with Phil, Dan his best friend, didn't want Phils help. That hurt Phil in more emotional ways than he could imagine, there were so many things there were both hiding from each other that need to be let out. But Phils scared that what they could both say would damage their friendship more
Dan quietly made his way to his bedroom and pulled out his ciggerettes and a lighter, leaning out of his small bedroom window. He had been smoking a lot for the last month and Phil had never caught him. Mostly because Phil never cared about checking up on him.
Phil felt helpless, he needed to go and see Dan, make sure he hadn't drowned in his own vomit, but his heart was screaming at him to stop. Dan will only push him away further if he tried. He sat downstairs his hand rubbing over his tired eyes
Dan sat on the window sill with a cigarette between his lips. He took long drags as he blew the smoke out of the window.
"Bloody hell." Phil let out a frustrated sigh, 'the least he could do was get Dan a glass of water after being sick' Phil thought as he reached for a cup and filled it with cool water. He headed upstairs to do before smelling the strong smell of smoke. Phil scrunched his face up at the smell as it got stronger towards Dans room
Dan reached for another cigarette and out it between his lips. He lit the end and squeaked softly when suddenly Phil walked in.
"D-Dan?" Phil stuttered feeling shock run through his system. Dan was smoking as a way of coping with whatever was on his mind. Dan always said he wouldn't bring back the habit yet here Phil was standing and watching the young boy drag the cigarette from his chapped lips
Dan's eyes widened and he spat the cigarette out of the window as if he could pretend he wasn't just smoking. He hid his packet and lighter and looked down.
"I thought you were over this Dan? What made you start? It's been years since you've even thought about this? Dan why?" Phil stumbled on his own words, he wasn't angry at Dan he was more hurt that Dan didn't trust him enough to talk to him about his problems enough to drive him to smoke
"It's nothing, don't be mad." Dan mumbled and looked down. God, he really didn't want Phil to snap at him. He was scared Phil wpuld start yelling again.
"I'm not mad Dan, if anything I'm hurt- that doesn't matter." Phil said shaking his head trying to figure how their friendship had gotten to here. "Just tell me why, please." He said almost pleasing
"I-Its really nothing, I-I promise!" Dan said immediately. He knew Phil hated it when he stuttered but he couldn't help it when he was upset. "P-Please, I'm fine."
"Don't lie to me I know you lie and you're hiding something when you stutter." Phil stated "I'm your best friend so you really think that it's good to bottle up your emotions to drive you back to those-" phil said emphasising the packet Dan was hiding "again? You knew how hard it was to give them up why? There's got to be a reason."
"I don't wanna annoy you." Dan mumbled and looked down. He felt like he was going to cry at any moment but he kept it together. "I'll be okay."
"You won't be okay - Dan this is going too far I mean last night really makes me think that we need to sort this out." Phil said going over to sit on the end of Dans bed "please tell me what's wrong."
"I-I know you're s-sick of me." Dan said in a quiet voice as he hung his head low, his whole body shivering as he struggled not to cry.
Phil was taken aback, he wasn't the most subtle about it but e didn't think Dan knew "w-what Dan how- wait." Phil tried to get his head around it
The fact that Phil didn't deny it, was the only confirmation Dan needed. "I-I don't blame y-you." Dan whimpered as a tear managed to escape and roll down his cheek Dan wiped it off before Phil could see it.
"Dan I'm not sick of you- I'm- I'm just sick of not having space." Phil confessed and it was like a huge weight off his shoulders already but he knew the worst was going to come
"I-I—" Dan tried to talk but the lump in his throat kept getting bigger and harder to swallow down. It felt like he was being stepped on. Or punched repeatedly.
"I'm sorry Dan, I mean we have been living together for what - 6 years? It's not like I want to move out but I don't know what it was and all of a sudden you were being really nice and you were with me 24/7 and as much I appreciated it I felt like I was being too over crowded you know? I love you so dearly but I was getting so irritated I snapped and it wasn't right of me but it's all I could do because my head was in knots." Phil explained trying not to choke up
"I'm sorry." Dan whimpered. It seemed like every time he blinked more hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He got up and ran outside, grabbing his phone and wallet on his way out. He made sure Phil didn't stop him.
"Dan wait!" Phil called chasing after the boy, running down the flights of stairs desperately trying to catch up with him "Dan will you god damn listen to me!" He called after Dan again but at this point Phil stopped trying. If dan wasn't going to respect what he was trying to be open and honest about when he tried to explain his point of view then Phil was done with trying. He was making things better but as soon as Dan didn't listen to what Phil had to say he ran away. "Fuck you then Howell!" Phil spat
Dan stopped in his tracks when he heard that. Phil never swore at Dan. Never ever. Through their years of friendship and arguments, phil had never done this. Dan turned around to look at him, completely heartbroken. He couldn't believe his ears.
"Oh you heard that did you?" Phil shouted again as Dan was stopped further ahead "Fuck you!" Phil shouted ignoring the broken face Dan was making "Every time you hear something that you don't like you run away, and I try being open and telling you how I feel and you get all but hurt about it and run!" Phil said his hurt and anger getting the best of his emotions "you're so unbelievably selfish so Fuck.You." Phil let out his last shout before shaking his head
Dan's eyes were wide. He rather be dead than see this side of Phil, the side of Phil he had caused. "I-I'm s-s-sorry." Dan choked as tears streamed down his cheeks. They were standing just by their apartment and there were many people around watching the commotion.
Phil didn't say anything, he shook his head turning away from Dan shoving his hands in his pockets and heading back towards the apartment, his socks now muddy from the outside gravel
Dan didnt know how long he stood there. His ears were ringing as Phil's words echoed in them. He turned around and walked to the same bar, shakily putting a cigarette in his mouth as he walked. He was shaking so much. Phil wasn't just sick of him now, oh no. Phil hated him. Phil was done with him.