Dear Erik,
I was helplessly in love with you. Infatuated I was with the way you smiled. I think that was one of your best features. Probably your rich black hair can come in second. Your brown skin that looks like mine, that's third.
Your many laughs, because you said that one just isn't enough to express all your emotions. I loved your giggle, I thought it was the cutest thing ever. Your chuckle always made me nervous.
The way you'd work your fingers on a pretend guitar, I think that made me like you deeply more. The fact that you played guitar made me fall harder. The way your eyes lit up when I told you that I genuinely believed you could be a musician, those eyes made my year.
Your obsessions over the Beatles, Aerosmith, and Led Zeppelin, I love. I never understood the deeper meaning of that music, but now that I do, I regret teasing you for it. I promise I never meant to make you feel bad. I love the Beatles now, but some songs make me remember you. The most pretty ones remember me of you so much.
The way you'd play soccer. I think I loved soccer you, because you looked so free on the field. It's like you and the ball were one, even if everyone said you tripped over your own feet. You could trip every step of the way and I'd call you graceful. The way you'd smile at me when you'd make any effort really made my heart beat faster.
Your obsessions with vans, I think it was cute. You didn't like Nike or Jordan or Adidas, but vans. You weren't mainstream at all, you avoided that at all costs. You always looked like something straight out of the 80's, and I loved it.
The way you liked a challenge. How you always were secretly a daredevil even if you didn't seem like it. I remember how we were about to ditch for the first time and you were too scared to do it. I died of fond that day.
Your smartness, I loved that too. You were intelligent and made me feel so dumb next you. You knew the answers to everything and even though people said you had the personality of someone who didn't care about school, you proved them wrong.
I liked how adventurous you were. How you were never afraid to something weird. How you were up to walk in the rain with me because it was the first time we ever experienced such heavy downpours. We got really wet and cold, but the adrenaline in our system and short breaths made it worth it. When we tried kool aid without the sugar and when the red was dyed on the palm of our hands. It looked like blood and we always giggled about it.
I liked your humor towards me. Remember when I sat at your table once, and you imitated every move I did? I couldn't laugh without you laughing as well, I couldn't tuck my hair behind my ear in nervousness because you'd try to do the same, even without the long hair. How I couldn't look left or right because there you were, looking the same way as I did with a smug look on your face. I couldn't fold my hands on the table because you'd do the same. We always tried annoying each other, but we never really were bothered.
I remember I took your school ID and giggled at your picture because you looked like an angry kitten. You blushed and told me you'd hold my hand until I gave it back. I didn't give it back at all. And you still held my hand.
Remember when I wore that embarrassing white belt? I remember when we started our 'highlighter wars' where we'd paint each other in bright green, pink, yellow, and blue. I remember you chose green because I said I didn't like the color. I remember you held my wrists and colored my shirt all over when the teacher wasn't looking. I remember how we were 'wrestling' each other with highlighters coloring each other's necks, arms, cheeks, and white shirts. You caught me off guard once and teased me for my white belt. "I feel bad for that white belt," you teased with a smug look. My heart always fluttered when you touched me.
Remember when you found out that really cool trick you did with the pages of the science textbook? You made them look like the abc logo and you were so smiley and proud. We got in trouble by the teacher for laughing at your cuteness, but we didn't care.
Remember when I helped you with science. Remember when I helped with a few of the answers because you were having a bad day and couldn't think straight. And when I helped you, you leaned in so close to my face. My breath hitched, because your lips were only inches away from mine. "I want to say thank you, but I don't know how," you had said when you retrieved away. I knew you were going to kiss me. You were so close. I don't know what I did wrong.
I remember the first time I saw you, you sat in the back of the class and mimicked every word the teacher said. You sat alone and picked at your pencil, and my heart was already nervous because I thought you were an f boy. I was so scared to fall for you, because I had just broken up with my ex.
I remember the teacher telling you to sit with me, and I was ready to start up in tears because your good looks were so intimidating. You simply said hi and started joking around with Nathan, who sat a table away from us. You kept making a pop sound because the teacher decided that brain pop was a good way to start off the year.
I remember when your partner, Claire, couldn't stand you and made up a phony excuse about how the ac was making her sick. Ironically, I was chosen to sit next to you. I was so nervous and shaking, you didn't make a deal out of it.
Since then everyone always asked us if we were dating or anything, and you'd always say no for the both of us. I wished so bad that we were dating.
You always knew I got jealous when you talked to V, and you always made sure to see my face when you did. I blushed red when I realized that, but then again I was always blushing red when I was around you or thinking of you.
I ruined everything when I told you I hated you and everything you did. I didn't mean to say it, I was sure that I was in fact in love with you. You looked so hurt, but I didn't see that in the moment. All I saw was you being mean, when it wasn't that at all. From then on I was the bully and pushed you away. I called you names, it was wrong. So deeply wrong.
You started disliking me and you stopped talking to me. You didn't tease me with your green highlighter anymore, in fact, you threw it away and decided to grab one from another girl, insisting you liked it better than mine. It seems like a silly thing to do, but I was so jealous. Over a stupid highlighter.
Then you started being closer to her, and even though you never liked her, you always made sure to make me jealous. Everyone was so confused with what happened, but they didn't know it was my fault.
I was as mad at you as ever and decided to pop your chip bag on you, which resulted in me crying all day.
After that, you didn't laugh with me anymore. You didn't tease me anymore. You didn't share your jokes or try holding my hand when I took your ID. You didn't do any of those things anymore.
A new year started and I went hard into depression. We had fights that included screaming and crying. It was as if we had actually broken up, and this was the aftermath: hell.
You started ignoring me and I did it as well. At this point whatever feelings you had for me were gone and buried six feet underground. I didn't take it so well.
My breaking point was when I relapsed. I decided to stop being close to you and decided onto being with my main three friends. We weren't even friends anymore, just two people with a past.
Everyone asked me what had happened on our last year together. They'd ask me why we had broken up, but we were never even together in the first place. I think that's what hurt the most, the fact that we had it all there for us, we had a future. Everybody saw how much we liked each other and how oblivious we were about it at first. Everyone saw it, except for you.
We went from almost lovers to nothing at all. It was as if we built a tower and decided to burn it down. The ashes of it all weren't even there, because we decided to throw that away.
So now nothing was left, except for deep hatred for one another. I want to think I hated you for letting myself like you so much. I hated you so much, and you did too. We couldn't stand seeing each other at all.
About mid year we started talking again, but we still weren't friends. I think we were trying to repair that, but I always screwed up. I always did a wrong move, like call your bands stupid and make fun of you. You'd proceed to call my bands dumb and childish, you said their songs didn't have meanings. I was such a hypocrite for getting hurt and calling you names. But that was our routine.
Then came in our friend E, where me and her were incredibly close. Somehow, drama started and you were there. You kind of started it when you told her I called her a 'bitch'. I never did. From then she didn't like me and stuff began.
She started taking you away and started talking to you badly about me. You seemed to like her more than me which made the feelings in my gut even worse. I realized I was still infatuated with you.
There came a point where I shoved you for covering up for her. She started calling me names and it was a big mess. I regret doing that to you. It only added fuel to the licking flames.
She said it was because I was jealous of her being a better friend than you. She was right.
After that, I confessed I liked you. It was at the worst time possible, I really regretted it. You looked so uncomfortable because your feelings were long gone now and there was nothing I could do.
I tried liking your music, saying sorry, sending meaningless paragraphs of apologies to your DM. All you wanted was for me to stop. You didn't want to be friends, just mates.
Now, our third year, was a less of a mess. I think we were more mature and now you were taller and better looking which made me feel so bad. I was short and you always teased me for it. I felt like old you and old me and old us was coming back.
Then came the day I was absent for a day dye to family problems. And you and J became so close.
Now she was the one looking deeply into your eyes. Now she was the one you teased with highlighters and painting her. Now she was the one you shared your music with. You guys saw each other with so much love in your eyes, I was jealous.
Jealous because she was slipping away from me and it was all because of you.
When you carried her in your arms, I smiled. I had tears pouring onto the bright pavement, thanking God for drying them up because I didn't want anyone to see the crybaby in me.
She claimed you guys were friends, and nothing more. That she wouldn't take you away from me, but you were never mine. She said she wouldn't do me like that, and that I had nothing to worry about.
Now you two started hanging out by yourselves, leaving me behind. I needed her more than ever and it was as if you took her away.
I regret being gone for one day.
I knew you guys were in love and oblivious about it.
That was once me.
I was once in her place, looking at you with admiration while you did to me. I was once holding your hand. I was once hugging you dearly. I was once giggling at your silliness. I was once play fighting with you.
I was once inches away from your face. I was almost the one to kiss your lips. I would have been your first kiss if I hadn't done you like that.
She was the first to touch you. The first to feel your lips. The first.
It could have been me.
I'm so sorry.
Words that would be meaningless to you,
ash
august 4,2017