Tris pov
My brain is overloaded on all the school I have missed.
I'm failing almost all my classes and I can't seem to grasp the concept of anything school related. All I can think about is the fact that my mother is dead because of me and how exhausted I am.
I've been getting no sleep thanks to nightmares that just haunt my mind, and the fact that every time I blink all I see my mom laying on the floor, dead.
Because of me.
"Tris?" Tobias waves his hand in front of my face.
"What, oh sorry." I blush looking back at the textbook that sits in my lap.
"It's alright," He holds my hand.
I look up and see him smiling at me and I can't seem to smile back, I want too but it's like my face won't let me.
"Do you remember what we were talking about?" He asks and I shake my head, embarrassed, my cheeks getting redder and hotter by the second.
"It's okay, we where here." He points to the math problem in my textbook and I look at it, trying to grasp how to do it.
I try hard, I really do but I can't seem to figure it out.
I sigh, running a hand through my short hair. "I don't know," I shake my head.
"That's alright, why don't we take a break." He takes the textbook and closes it, setting it on his desk.
I put my hands over my face and lay back. That was a bad idea, my mothers face pops into my head and I instantly take my hands off my face looking at the ceiling.
"Hey, it's okay, you'll get it." Tobias rubs my knee, looking back at me.
"Yeah, I know it's just..." I shake my head.
"Hey," he lays next to me, using his arm to hold his up. I turn towards him and stare into his blue orbs.
Damn. How did I get so lucky?
"I know that your not focus," he starts, rubbing my arm. "But, your going to get there. This is just a bump in the road and I'm going to be with you every step of the way." He gives me a full genuine smile and I sit up giving him a hug with tears in my eyes.
We both don't say anything, we just hold each other in each other embrace, and from him saying that it's like I've been slapped in the face.
He's the one.
He's always there for me no matter what is going on. He's always okay with dealing with me and my issues. He's always so supportive and doesn't seem to care about how high matianice I am and that makes me smile, every time I think about him it puts a smile on my face because he's the one, the one I want to spend my entire life with. The one I always feel safe with and never want to let go.
************
"Let's do something,"
"I'm not in the mood Tobias." I say flipping the page in my book.
"Well you never are anymore and we need to get you out." He says spinning in his desk chair.
"Why can't I just read my book?" I ask, sighing.
"You've been reading that book for an hour and half Tris." He stops spinning, looking at me.
"It's a good book."
"I don't care, come on we can call the gang and we could go to the diner." He suggest and I shake my head. To many memories at that stupid diner.
"No," I snap.
"Why, you love-" He stops when I look at him and realization slaps him in the face.
"Oh shit Tris, I'm sorry I forgot," he says guilty.
"It's fine." I wave him off. I can feel his eyes still on me as I open my book again and start to read.
"We could go to the movies, mall, park-" I cut him off, getting very annoyed even though I know he's just trying to cheer me up, "I'm not in the mood Tobias! God, can't you see I don't want to do anything!" I snap again, tears filling my eyes.
"Tris, breath, I'm sorry we don't have to do anything." He gets up and sits on the edge of his bed rubbing my leg.
I shake my head getting up from the other side, he turns looking at me. I press the back of my hand to my forehead biting my lip.
"Tris I-"
"No, I-I need some air." I turn on my heels leaving his room, I run down the stairs and Mrs. Eaton stops me.
"Tris! Hi honey-oh my goodness sweetheart are you alright?" She asks touching my arm and I pull my arm away, breathing heavily.
It feels like the walls are closing in on me, my chest is tight and I can barely feel my muscles. My anxiety is getting the best of me and I just have to get out of here.
"Um, yes. Sorry Mrs. Eaton I just need some air." I walk around her and head for the door.
When I get outside I sit on the porch steps and pull my knees to my chest. I rest my head in between my knees and cry.
I cry over the fact that my mother is gone, that I struggle with my life, that I can't find happiness with myself, the fact that I have no family left, that I will eventually never get the relationship I wanted with my mom, Tobias will eventually leave me and be smart, all my friends will leave with him.
I cry because I know I'm all alone.
All the support I have now is temporary.
It always is.
****************
I fought with Tobias that night.
He didn't understand why the reason I was crying was because I was alone. He said I would never be alone, that he would always be there. But I knew better then to believe him.
All people have done in my life have either left or hurt me, it was just a matter of time before he became one of those people.
He's the one I want to be with forever, but I know he won't want to be with me forever. He claims too but he just feeling pity for me.
He got mad at me when I said those things to him, when I told him the truth.
I went home that night and cried, Christina was there, she comforted me and I told her everything. I told her I wanted to hurt myself, that I wasn't worth anything.
She told me otherwise, told me that if she ever saw me hurting my self again she would hurt herself. I couldn't stand the thought of her hurting herself for me.
She took me to the gym to workout my pain in a healthy way.
So hear I am, punching the crap out of a punching bag.
Christina is beside me also punching the crap out of a bag and I imagine that the bag is my problems, my issues. I imagine it's my father and I finally get to beat the crap out him for once.
I give the bag one huge punch and it breaks off the chain.
"Geez, what did the bag ever do to you?" Chris laughs looking at me.
I put back of my hand on my forehead to wipe the beads of sweat running down my face.
"As great as this was," I start taking a breath. "Can we please go shower and go home?" I rest my hands on my knees bending over.
She nods and we head to locker rooms. I grab my clothes and head to the showers with Chris, we hop in and I wash my face and body, letting the hot water soothing sore muscles.
I turn the water off, getting out and drying off, I put my clothes on which consist of a black Nike cropped sweater and my high waisted white skinny ripped jeans.
I dry my hair leave it down and when I walk out I see Chris isn't there, so I stand outside waiting for her.
"Tris?" I sigh, turning around, knowing that voice all to well.
"What Tobias?" I ask crossing my arms looking at him.
"Thought you didn't want to do anything," he leans against the wall and I roll my eyes.
"Chris takes me here to what she calls "A healthy way to release pain," He nods and I look at the door to the locker room, praying Chris will walk out right now, so we can leave.
"Well it's a better way to release pain," He sighs looking at the door then me.
"Well, she doesn't really give me a choice." I turn my head back to him and look him in the eyes.
"Can we talk about what happened?" He asks.
"I don't want to talk." I turn, looking at the people working out.
"I know, but I think we should." He doesn't take his eyes off me.
I sigh looking back at him raising my eyebrows, "Okay, fine talk." I run my hand through my wet hair.
"I'm sorry for snapping," he starts off. I roll my eyes, "You did a little more then just snap."
"I know, and I'm truly sorry, I know that your not used to having people stick in your life and I guess I was just upset-" I cut him off.
"At me,"
"No Tris, I could never be directly upset at you, I was upset at the situation, at the fact that this was your normal, you where used to people leaving and I didn't fully see that, and I'm sorry but I do want you to know, I'm not like other people in your life, I'm going to stick by you no matter what, through the good times and the bad, through your depression and happiness and I swear to god Tris, I'm going to try my very damn best to give you the life you deserve, not the one you are used too." He took my hand in his and I looked down biting my lip.
"I'm sorry too, I know you love me and you wouldn't leave me it's just hard to actually think someone wants to be in my life for good." I tell him honestly.
"Well there is no one else's life I want to stay in more then yours." And with that he leans down and kisses me. He kisses me with passion, he grips my waist like he never wants to let go and this kiss, this proves he is telling the truth, that he wants to be with me, and he won't leave me.
Because he's the one, and always will be.
*************
"Want to watch a movie?" He asks me stroking my hair.
I went home with Tobias and told Chris that I'll be home in the morning and we could spend the day together, just her and me, I think I could use some girl time. But I wanted to spend the night with Tobias and try to get some sort of sleep.
"If you want, I don't really care." I tell him playing with his free hand.
We are laying in his bed, me with my head on his chest and his head against the headboard. He storks my hair which helps me relax and I play with his free hand that was resting on his chest.
"Not really, just thought I asked." He smiles down at me.
"Good because honestly I didn't want too." I look up at him smiling. He chuckles a bit and I snuggle into his chest more closing my eyes. I don't see my mother this time like I usually do, instead it's how it supposed to look, dark.
I sigh in relief at the fact that I can close my eyes and not worry about seeing my dead mother anymore when I am around Tobias.
"What time is it?" I mumble keeping my eyes closed, I feel Tobias shift, grabbing his phone with the hand I was playing with.
"10:30." He tells me.
"Really? Feels later," He chuckles again and I smile a bit.
I feel him press his lips to my forehead and says, "Sleep, your exhausted."
I do a slight nod and for the first time in what feels like weeks, I fall asleep peacefully.
*************
A/N
Sorry for not updating for a while guys...
IVE
BEEN
SO
SICK!!!
I was on a steroid I was so sick.
I'm still on antibiotics.
So life is peachy.
I'm supposed to be in NY
But my dad got sick
So I've been binge watching friends all day.
Well love y'all and I'm sorry for it being so long.
~Bye beauty's~