Earlier comments on this chapter has been deleted as they would not make any sense with the revised version of 'Tere Liye'. Just a note to old readers, those comments are still very special for me and I have them stored with me to cherish forever. I just don't want any confusion for new readers.
Hope you enjoy! :)
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There was a peaceful silence that surrounded her when she got off the car, smiling at her destination. It was the same garden Arnav had brought her to before their marriage, to introduce her to his Mama.
Mohan had already left when she turned around, most probably as per Arnav's orders and she took in a deep inhale of the fresh air before pushing the garden gate open. She walked inside, feeling the exquisite beauty of her surrounding mesmerizing her just like it did the first time.
Twigs snapped under her feet as she sauntered further inside, looking around in search of the one who held her surprise. Her lips stretched at that word and she held her chest to control her erratic heart, still trying to get a glimpse of him.
A presence was what she felt behind her the next minute and automatically knowing who that was, she was about to turn around when an orange cloth blocked her vision. She gasped when she realized it was a blindfold.
As a reflex her body tensed up a little, until she felt his breath hit her shoulder as he whispered in his ears, his voice steady and comforting enough to reassure her, "Shh, it's me."
Khushi released the breath she had caught in her throat and clasped Arnav's hand tightly as he intertwined their fingers.
"Come." Wrapping his other hand around her waist whilst his left one held her hand, Arnav encouraged her to resume walking, which she did, silently. Well, silently until she felt like they were walking for like five minutes now.
"Arnavji, where are we going?" She asked, unable to resist her curiosity.
"Almost there, Khushi." Arnav's reply did nothing but peak her desire to rip off the cloth that prohibited her from looking around, building such a suspense in her mind. However, true to Arnav's words, they must have indeed reached for he stopped walking just a minute later.
Khushi frowned when he removed his hand from her hold, creating a distance between them. She didn't say anything though, letting him do what he planned, until she no longer felt his presence near her anymore.
"Ar-arnavji?" Khushi called out, her voice stumbling with a sudden fret for a second.
She got no response from him and she waited for a few more seconds before at last removing the blindfold, almost messing up her perfectly set hair in a hurry.
Her eyes squinted as her head whipped in every direction, but except for trees and flowers she saw nothing. Her frown deepened, looking at the setting around her that seemed new to her eyes. The trees, the fence that was just behind her, the new flowers, all this was not here when she first came and that was when it dawned at her. They were further deep into the vast garden.
She turned her head to look in front of her again and that was when she noticed the small cottage residing in the middle of the landscape. The air as if grew quieter as she approached the wooden cabin. A strange sense of easement was what she felt when she touched it's cold door, before pushing it open.
And just like that, the second she peeked in, all the movements in her body ceased and her breath left her - leaving her to gape at the sight in front of her.
The cabin was dimly lit, giving her a view of it's furniture and fiery colored wooden wall but resting in the middle of it, was a table, a decorated one which became the center of her attention.
On the table, few tiny boxes and what seemed like pictures were neatly kept and above them all were several fairy lights that made the table shine in the dimmed setting.
She regained her composure and gave out a small befuddled smile as she approached the table, only to have her feet freezing to the spot when she recognized the first picture.
A sour bile rose in her throat, realizing that in the picture, it was her, in Arnav's arms, all scared and stunned after having fallen from an unknown stage she was forced on.
Khushi sighed, taking off the lights from the picture before holding the memory in her hands. Moisture stung her eyes as the photo that laid next was of her from the photoshoot Arnav had coerced her to do. She held that as well, caressing her own embarrassed face which held a tear rolling down at the humiliation she faced.
The third picture of her again, dressed in a red saree and surrounded by several circles of radiant diyas.
She sniffled and caressed the image before lifting it up to reveal a picture of them both. It was from the Grahpravesh Anjali had organized to somehow make up for their disastrous runaway wedding. She remembered how Arnav's face had scrunched in disgust when Anjali had constrained him to take a picture with her and how he had softly gritted in her ears not to build any castle in the air just before Anjali had clicked the moment.
There were few more pictures beneath it, all during their contract marriage period which Anjali had clicked in order to capture her brother's happy married life. Little did she know that there anything but happiness in the bond that they shared at that time.
Feeling her heart prick at the distressing memories, Khushi kept the pictures back on the table before grabbing the first gift box. She lifted the lid and felt her shoulders sag as her fingers grazed the small white pearls it contained. Closing the box and keeping it aside, she took the second box with a exaggerated slow pace. Her vision blurred and she fought back a sob as this time, she saw a piece of her dupatta which he had ripped the first day he saw her in his office's parking lot.
Faint sound of footsteps and a known tug in her body alerted her about the person now standing behind her and she held the table, unwillingly to look back. She knew what this was all about the second she saw the first picture and she refused to see him, like that.
But as she felt him tugging at her hand, her resolution broke and she turned around, slowly and steadily only to see him kneeling in front her. His shoulders were slumped and his face was bowed down as if ashamed to look at her in the eye.
"Ever since Mom died, I forgot the meaning of life." He started and she felt her tears escaping at the every first sentence. She wanted to stop him. Tell him that she understands his unsaid words and that he didn't have to torture himself with these memories but a part of her wanted to halt and hear what he had to say, what he had to show her.
"She left me with a stabbing pain that kept gnawing on me, making me so numb I couldn't even cry. Not even when I lit her funeral pyre with my very own hands." He paused and she saw his chest rising and falling slowly as he tried stabilizing his breaking voice and ragged breaths.
"At first I wanted the pain to go away. It was hurting me a lot and I wanted it out of myself but, but no one could help me. Our own family threw us out of our house, calling us by names that still haunts me. Di was broken, Nani was sick and Mamaji was just confused, not knowing how to hold everyone together. That's why I learnt to live with the pain and it would be easy because I would barely have time to think about it while working at a hundred places and taking care of my mourning family. But Khushi, each time I slept, each time I was alone, the pain came back."
His voice had reduced into a shaky whisper now, as if afraid of the thing he was describing.
"I would feel it everywhere, crawling like a snake as it would bite with vengeance. It became worst, to a point where I was devoid of every emotion. I would not feel anything except for that damned pain. It, it enslaved me, made me vulnerable and all I wanted to do was scream and cry but there was no one to listen to me, so I couldn't even do that. I couldn't even cry, Khushi."
"And so it kept eating me alive, reducing me into nothing but an embodiment of vulnerability and, and I had seen, I had seen, I knew how this world treats weak people. I had seen it and I was scared of it. I was scared of being crushed again and that's why I changed. When I couldn't kill the pain that had attached itself with Arnav Mallik, I killed Arnav itself. I buried him, his pain and the heart that felt that pain deep within myself and took the form of heartless ASR who wasn't bothered by his loneliness, who didn't need people to hold him when he breaks. And that heartless ASR was hundred times better than that vulnerable Arnav, Khushi. He would feel the pain coming back but he wouldn't recoil in fear. He would just sit and wait for the snake to bite him as much as it would want. Then he would go back to sleep, bleeding but without crying. It was better that way, so much better."
"But then you came Khushi. You came."
Khushi inhaled, then exhaled slowly, trying her hardest to keep herself together, especially when his tone sounded defeated and rueful.
"You came and started making me feel emotions again, emotions that only Arnav used to feel. You revived him, Khushi and when you did that, I was afraid that you would revive the strength of that pain as well."
A tear of his fell on her hand that he was holding and she found herself dropping on the floor with him.
"Arnavji, stop." She croaked, unable to see him like that. She wanted him to open up but if that would cause him to break like this, she wanted nothing but him to go back to being the mysterious ASR. It was indeed better, than seeing him experience the monstrous pain he was describing.
But perhaps he needed to get it all off his chest at last for he tightened his hold on her hand, halting her request for him to stop hurting himself. He went on as she slouched back, still not looking at her.
"I have dealt with many people, Khushi. I knew how to drift those away who tried to weaken me or have a peek on who I actually was. But when it came to you, I couldn't do that. I couldn't push you away and you started breaking the cage I had Arnav captured in. You made feel concern, care and eventually, I felt love. I fell for you and when I did, I first felt that damned heart beat again then I felt Arnav, I felt him overpowering ASR and that scared me. That scared me a lot Khushi because I couldn't do that. I couldn't return back to who I was, I couldn't revive Arnav and feel all that again. I was scared of it, so scared. And that's why I crossed all limits. I acted recklessly, took every path that lead me away from you, uttered every word that would send you away from me but it was too late. Arnav was already back, no matter what I did. So I was angry. I was angry at you for doing that and in that anger, I destroyed everything."
He brought her hands up and rested his forehead on them as he shook his head, cries bubbling inside of him as he whispered,
"I destroyed you."
"I did what others had done to me. I caused you pain, broke you beyond repair and sent you to the same place I was trying to escape. You were trying to make me feel happiness again and in turn I made you feel a part of the pain that came with me. But despite all that, you kept coming back to me. Destiny played such a game, we crossed paths again and again until I was tired of trying to push you away and then I realised something. When I no longer tried to push your memories again, I noticed something. I noticed that, that whenever I thought about you, that pain was nowhere to be seen. It would disappear whenever I will seek comfort in you. I realised, I realised that you did not revived that pain's strength, you in fact weakened it. And when I realised that, I started depending on you. I started looking for you everywhere, just to catch a glimpse of your face so I would have something to dream of later at night so the nightmares wouldn't creep up. I started accepting the fact that it wasn't bad to fall in love and I allowed Arnav to come back to life, for you. Just to live with you."
He paused and gave out a small, rueful laugh. "But look at my fate, Khushi. I revived him so he could love you back but instead, he further broke you. He hurt you every time he thought you were going away from him and while he sought comfort in your presence, you were always forced to forget your pain, your resentment."
"And that's why I want to apologise to you."
She held her breath as he started lifting his face to her and as she expected, it was utterly pained. Agony was scattered all over him, making his eyes red with its battle to push back the tears, which seemed to have spilled after all, for his cheeks were damp and blotched.
"I'm sorry, Khushi." He whispered again, his cracking voice causing her to bite the inside of her cheeks to withhold her own cries.
"I'm sorry for everything." His remorseful eyes bore into her crying ones as he continued, his voice lower than a whisper this time. "I'm sorry for pushing you when I wasn't ready to fall in love. I'm sorry for then grabbing onto you when I could no longer stay away from you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for treating you like a toy, for playing with your emotions. I'm sorry for being selfish, for needing you when I was breaking whilst ignoring you when you fell apart. And, and I'm really sorry for calling you names when all this while, I was the problem. I'm sorry, Khushi, I'm just so sorry, for whatever I have done to you till date, since the day we've met."
His constricted voice halted as he fought to take a deep breath but the pain was too overpowering. He was at a point where fighting the anguish that throbbed in his heart and mind, seemed too hard. The more he fought, the more he felt suffocated and so he let go. He stopped fighting and felt a burst inside of him, sending sobs out of his mouth. He rested his head on her hands again, repeating his apology over and over again. His tears spilled on her hands and his trembling hands that held hers caused her to tremble as well, but she didn't budge.
Khushi kept quiet, simply staring at his shaking and breaking form. Her face felt dry and her skin felt scrunched up as her tears dried on it when moisture no longer escaped her eyes. The lines marring her forehead were gone as well - as she just sat and watched him. Seconds passed, minutes passed and she lost track of time in the heavy silence that prevailed around them. Soon Arnav's sobs subsided until he was just sighing against her skin.
That was when she spoke.
"Done?"
He didn't reply and she wasn't expecting him to reply either as she liberated her hands from his hold, that resisted a bit until they finally let go. Her lips curved slightly and she slid her hands on the sides of his face, lifting it up a bit to meet her eyes.
His face was pained and lost when she saw it, as if he was a child who accidentally drifted too far away from his home and was now just a hopeless wanderer. Her throat felt constricted as she realised that this was the real him. This pained and lost boy was the real Arnav, the one she wished to see for so long and now when he is in front of her, she can't do anything but just feel a skittering desire to just weep along with him.
"You don't have to be like this." She said - her desperate need for him to stop hurting permeated the very edge of her whisper and she tightened her hold on his jaw, when he tried to back off.
"Whatever happened in the past, was for sure painful. Whatever you did, did break me but," She sobbed, wiping the fresh tear that escaped his eyes, "..but you healed me as well. You were there, Arnavji. Whenever I fell, you were there to hold me. In one way or the other, you have always tried to make up for your mistake. You would come back. After hurting me, you would come back to comfort me."
Tears spilled from her eyes as she chuckled - ruefully.
"It's strange but, but true. I never felt so secure with anyone else. Despite you hurting me so much, each time you were away from me, I wanted to just run back to you. Be-because somewhere you were the only one I could actually call mine, after years of living among people I loved but who never truly were mine."
Her throat ached as she forced her voice through it, making her words sound strangulated and almost incomprehensible. But she knew she had to say it. She had to make him realise that he was not always a monster to her. He was also her prince, who saved her umpteen of times from falling apart.
"And don't blame yourself for what's already done. It's in the past now. We were both damaged then but now, now we're healing and it's only now that counts, not the past." She added with great difficulty, her eyes pleading him to comply and move on from the agonizing bygones he had gripped onto.
Her damp lashes fell on her red cheek for a second as Arnav cupped her face and as she looked at him though the blurry veil, he had the faintest smile on his lips.
"I don't deserve you." He said, and she would have retorted if he hadn't had his palm pressed to her mouth the second she opened it.
"I really don't, Khushi." His voice shook for a brief instant and he bit his lips, as he brought her face closer to his and leaned his forehead against her. She closed her eyes and held his hands that were on her face.
"But I promise," He whispered, shutting his eyes as well to feel her - to let her scent, her touch permeate into his whole being and sooth the tremors that he was experiencing, whilst his fingers sprawled on her skin, trying to sooth her agony.
"..to make myself worthy of you. I promise, Khushi, I will fight anything, even myself but I will never let any harm touch you. I will never make you cry again, Khushi. I, I will be the prince you always wished for, I promise. Will you trust me on that? Please?"
Khushi smiled, moving back so she could see him. She brought his hands down and held them in hers, grinning at him through tears.
"Who told you you are not my prince already? You're everything I've ever wished for Arnavji and yes, yes I trust you, because you are already worth it. You already earned it. The second you chose me over your past, that day in the mandap."
Warm seeped through him with a force seeing the amount of sincerity she held in her eyes as she spoke, as if proud to have him in her life. For a second he felt like he was indeed not that bad of a person, for he had her support, her love that was gifted to him after all he did. And as that thought crossed his mind, he felt his love increase tenfold more for this girl, who seemed to be a blessing of his own mother.
"I love you." He confessed, this time without any hesitation and smiled despite the tears in his eyes, the pricking in his chest, as her face showcased surprise at his sudden divulgence.
He held her shoulders and brought her close to him, until their breaths were hitting each other's faces.
"I love you, Khushi." And as he whispered again, the way he looked at her made her feel like the luckiest girl in this entire world. Her lips trembled and formed a shaky smile, before that smile grew into the widest grin possible.
"I, I love you too." She croaked, her laughs and sobs mixing together as his love and warmth spiraled through her.
A silence seemed to have wrapped around them as they stared into each other's eyes, lost in their own world. Slowly, Arnav's hands found their way up to hold her face gently and she closed her eyes, letting out a deep breath as his fingers moved to caress her skin again, this time with a purpose. She was still for a second, until she felt his lips on her forehead, then her eye lids, then cheeks and soon, her whole body was shaking with a known anticipation.
She felt his breath on her lips which parted with a desire but feeling no move from his side, she opened her eyes, and saw him looking at her - his eyes unsure about whether she wanted the same thing. An audible and shuddering breath left her again as this time, she moved closer to him until she felt the softness of his lips against hers.
She pulled back soon enough, to see his eyes closed in daze before fusing their lips together once again this time as if to never let go again. Their hands started moving to caress each other, first slowly and then frantically. A sudden need consumed them and they lost track of everything, as they engaged themselves in loving each other to their heart's content.
Outside, the sky roared and a heavy downpour started, masking the sound their phones made.
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