A thought
Chapter 23
It was no use for her, she had tried telling a few people that it wasn't her, people she knew she could trust, like Annie and even Coraline no matter how much bitterness the girl had towards her, the girls seemed to trust her word, mostly when she said she had been to see McGonagall about it and the woman believed her, which gave the girls the opportunity to believe her too, knowing full well that if McGonagall had her suspicions, then Estella would be out of the school. Or she would be sent to Dumbledore for further inspection, but the rumour wasn't that drastic.
The boys had faith in her, Peter was making it his job to shut down anyone who said anything about his sister whilst he was in earshot, it was a rather surprising occurance for purebloods to be shut down by someone who usually didn't even open his mouth, but the boys weren't surprised when the purebloods shut up, Peter wasn't a shouter in the slightest, so when it did happen - which was definitely rarely - it made everyone finally shut their mouths, and Peter was thankful for it. he was shaking like a leaf with the confrontation, but Estella was definitely worth it.
Theo was the only source of comfort that Estella had seeing as he was the only one who truly knew what happened, and was a part of it as much as she was, though he wasn't the one getting accused, so Estella couldn't help but feel very alone for the most part. She felt as though no matter where she went, unless it was Theo's dorm, she felt very alone.
She was rather thankful that Purebloods were so proud, well, the ones that liked to harass her as much as they could, because all of them wouldn't dare to step foot into a room that had the word 'mudblood' on the door, and whilst it was so terribly stupid, Estella couldn't deny that she was rather thankful for it.
Currently, she was in the only place that she seemed to get peace, which just so happened to be Theo's dorm. It was dimly lit, and Theo was trying to sleep whilst she lay at the bottom of his bed, her back was rested against one of the wooden posts and her knees pulled to her chest whilst her chin rested on her legs pulled up close to her.
she felt as though there was no point anymore, her tears streamed down her face unknown to Theo who was softly snoring, the noise clouding his dorm though it was able to soothe her whilst the terrible thoughts ran through her mind.
Over the time that the young first year had found the bodies in the lake, her mind had been in overdrive thinking about everything, she was wondering if there was a loophole, a way out, a way for her to run away from it all and not have to face all of the consequences.
There was one way.
And she'd be lying if she said that it hadn't entered her mind countlessly.
Her mind always seemed to wander to Theo, he didn't need to have a part in this if Estella said he didn't, she didn't want him to be a target for the purebloods. She could say he didn't have a part in it, but that would mean turning herself in, and no matter what - she wouldn't go to Azkaban for purebloods, for death eaters.
Her eyes scanned over the dormitory as she pulled on the blanket at the bottom of the bed, her eyes lingering on a sleeping Theo who was exhausted. Estella felt terrible for Theo's lack of sleep, knowing that for the most part it was because he was staying up with her when she just couldn't seem to sleep, or when she did, a new nightmare would creep into her mind and sleeping was simply out of the question.
He needed his sleep and Estella knew that, which is why she was trying to keep her distance. She didn't want him having to stay awake again for her, he was a lot more considerate for her instead of himself and that thought upset Estella, he would do anything for her, and she would do absolutely anything for him, but she knew herself that he had to put himself first sometimes, like now as he slept.
Watching him was something she found herself doing when he finally fell asleep most nights and she just couldn't, he always seemed to calm her. When her mind was going a mile a minute, he still had a simple effect on her as she watched him sleep, his chest rising and falling softly as he slept, to indicate that she had him, and that thought was enough to ease her mind enough for her to lie down beside him and allow the terrible thoughts that played in her mind like a continuous loop to fall away to give her a few hours to simply just relax.
But it seemed as though relaxing was out of the question when the only thought in her mind was ending everything. She knew it was a horrible thing to think, but the thought seemed terribly inviting, to just end it all, to put her mind at ease, though as much as it was inviting, it also terrified her.
She knew what she would be leaving behind, her family, her friends, Theo, it seemed as though it was a terrible thing for her to do, but with every moment passing, the thoughts entered her mind once more and stayed there nestled into a corner of her brain. It wouldn't leave.
Her eyes passed over Theo once more when she watched him stir in his sleep, mumbling incoherent sentences whilst Estella let a soft laugh escape her lips as she watched him. her fingertips drummed the top of her knees as she sat with her thoughts, but not a moment later did Theo's voice fill the room.
"Estella?"
She pushed herself up, soon crawling over to him whilst his confused features turned to those of relief when he saw her. He knew how sad she was, miserable actually, and seeing her like that was having the same effect on him, though he didn't want to tell her that, he didn't want her to feel worse than what she already did, so instead he kept it to himself, and forced wide smile after wide smile onto his face for her.
Her hand rested on his cheek as she towered over him, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead, she whispered, "go back to sleep, baby, I'm here."
"Are you alright?" he asked. His voice was softer, deeper than usual because of sleeping and it allowed Estella to nod, a small smile on his face that widened his own at the sight.
"I missed that smile," he beamed, soon lifting his hand up to trace her cheek whilst she forced herself to widen the smile for him, a soft laugh tumbling from her lips as she kneeled beside him.
His hand found the back of her neck, and soon did he pull her down so that she was right in front of him. He lifted his head up, allowing their lips to meet, to move in sync, to feel her close to him whilst she had been so closed off. He missed her, and her touch, he missed her laughter and her smile and her excitement.
He knew that in a time like this, it was inevitable for her to be her happy self, especially when so many people were throwing their accusations her way, and she had to live with the fact that it was all true.
Theo wished people instead accused him, he was used to harsh words thrown his way, he knew how to ignore it with ease, but as much as Estella pretended that she wasn't fazed by it, Theo knew easily that she was, and he was scared for her too.
He didn't know how far these people would go to hurt her, for now it was only words but he was almost positive that it would be much more than that soon, and the thought blinded him with so much rage that he didn't care what he would do to those people who ever attempted to hurt his Estella.
"I'm sorry I waked you," she whispered softly, moving so that she was kneeling down closer to him, one hand still resting on his cheek whilst her fingertips danced over his skin, but he merely waved her off.
"I'd choose seeing your face over sleep any day," he smirked, hearing her laugh once more it was like music to his ears. He hoped that it was maybe her on the right track but he had no idea that it was just for him, it was for him not to worry and that tiny thought creeped through the back of his mind, though he wished that it wasn't true.
"You're getting cheesier and cheesier," she mumbled softly, running her hand through his soft hair whilst he hummed at the feeling, nuzzling closer to her, he lay his head on her legs.
"Please don't move," he spoke quietly, "please just stay here with me, please sleep. You need it."
"I'm fine, baby, really," she whispered but he soon protested.
"You need to sleep," he muttered tiredly.
"I think if anyone out of the both of us needs sleep then it's you, baby," she laughed, leaning down to press her lips to his once last time before guiding him back onto the pillow. His eyes fluttered open at the lack of her warmth and soon did he frown.
"Where are you going?" he asked, pulling on her arm when she attempted to move. She didn't have the heart to tell him what she was going to do, because every second she spent with him felt like her next move was the wrong thing to do.
She knew in the long run that there was nothing left for her here, even if it meant the two years left at school, or before that when they found out it was her, she wasn't safe. If she stayed, they'd no doubt find out, if she went on the run, they'd know and find her.
She felt in her heart that ached with sadness and fear, that she had no other choice.
"I'll just be at the desk, Theo, I'm not going anywhere," she mumbled. She pressed kisses to his skin whilst his eyes finally fell closed, and soon did she stand.
She didn't lie to him, she truly was going to his desk where the small candle lit light sat next to some parchment, but she grabbed her bag for her ink, quill and some more parchment just in case she would really need it.
It took everything in her to walk towards the desk, sitting in front of it seemed like a task that would take a lifetime, but she was finally there.
Her ink was to the side of her and sitting in it was her feathered quill waiting for her to use it, to ink the pages with the words she would need for the letter she was writing. It was a letter, a note, a piece of information.
It was a goodbye.
With every minute passing, she just seemed to sit there, focused on the words that formed in her head but it was a much harder task to write it, it was like a weight was holding her down, telling her not to do this, to turn and go to bed with Theo and wrap herself tightly in his arms, but she knew she that wasn't the right thing to do in the long run.
That in a few days, or a week, or sometime in the future, she would be back at this desk because once again, everyone's words got too much for her.
And with that thought in mind, she braced herself, picked up the quill and forced herself to write the very two words that seemed dreadful.
Dear Peter.