Warning: This chapter contains sexual assault.
When I woke up in the morning Ivar was gone, I really enjoyed last night, me, him and our sons sleeping in the same bed.
I walked to the Great Hall and I saw Largertha talking to two men, they both had tattoos on their faces, they were so intimidating.
Largertha looks at me and gives me a bright smile.
"Steena, my sweet child. Come meet those men. This is King Harald and his brother Halfdan."
I turned to them and I give them a shy smile, I couldn't know why, but their gaze on me made me feel uncomfortable.
"So this is the daughter of the great Kaya? You are so beautiful, just like your mother. I met her in Paris." Harald says with a devious smirk on his face, I felt a shiver down my spine.
"Really? She did not mention you." I realized that could hurt his feelings. "Not that I remember anyway." I fake a laugh, trying to hide my discomfort around them.
All of them laughed, I was glad that they didn't saw how uncomfortable I was. They talked to me for a little longer, then I heard my sons crying, they were probably hungry.
I excused myself and I went to Brynjar and Eirik, they were hungry. After I fed them, I went outside with them and I stayed there, enjoying the sun and the company of my sons.
"So those are your sons?" I look and I saw Endre, I was happy to see him, he was a friend and I really enjoyed talking to him.
"Endre, is good to see you. I have not seen you since that feast." I gave him a smile, I could see that he wanted to hug me but I didn't give him the chance.
Even if I felt comfortable with him, I didn't appreciate other men touching me. I know that it was stupid of me to think that but, Ivar is the only man that can touch me, the only men that can kiss me, make me feel wanted, even if he didn't love me like I love him.
"Yes, I know, and I apologize. I was handling some matters, about the trip to England. It takes a lot of my time. But I am here now, I heard the gossip. Is it true? Ivar met his sons?" I was surprised by his sudden interest in Ivar, but I believe that he is just worried about me.
"It is true, he met them. He even slept with us tonight, in our bed." I say smiling, remembering last night, even if we didn't made love yesterday, it felt as intimate as if we did.
"I see, so you two are back together? I am only asking because is what it seems." His voice was full of curiosity.
"No, we are not together." My voice is full of sadness, Endre realized the sadness on my voice.
"No, I did not ask to upset you. I am just concerned with you and your sons. Steena I want to tell you something, actually since the I met you, I need to tell you this." He says looking down, I swore that he is blushing.
But before he could ask me, Ivar comes to us and gives Endre an angry look.
"I will talk to you later." He smiles at me and walks into Ivar's direction. "Ivar." He nods to Ivar and leaves.
"I do not like him, I want you away from him." He didn't even look at me, I could tell that he is really angry.
"Ivar, he is my friend. Besides my mother and father knew his father, they were friends." I said in the most soft tone possible, I did not want to anger him. Not because I was afraid, but because just the thought of making him angry or sad, sicks me.
"I do not like the way he looks at you, like he will take you anytime." He looks at me, I see jealousy and insecurities, Ivar was afraid of me going to Endre, leave him, and take his sons away from him.
"Ivar, it does not matter the way he looks at me or the way he feels about me. I will never be his, never. He does not appeal to me, he is just a friend, like Sigurd, we are like brother and sister." I give him a warm smile, my heart fills with joy at the thought that Ivar would care about me being with other men.
No, wake up Steena. He only cares about his sons, he doesn't want anything with you.
Brynjar and Eirik wake up, taking me out of my thoughts. They smile at me, my heart melts at the moment. How could I love two people so strongly as I love them?
"Can I hold them?" Ivar asks, almost whispering, his shy smile on his face, his eyes were full of love. How could I ever say no to those eyes?
"Of course Ivar." I give him a warm smile.
I put them in his arms carefully, Ivar is still afraid of holding Brynjar and Eirik. But I believe that his love for them is stronger than his fear. When Brynjar and Eirik are in his arms, they give his father a warm laugh.
"They like me." Ivar whispers, I barely heard, but I did.
"No Ivar." I say to him, he looks at me confused.
"They love you, you are their father." His face lits up, like a child that received the greatest present.
"And you?" He asks, clearing his throat, looking down.
"What about me?" I asked confused.
"Do you love me?" He looks at me with his piercing blue eyes, and feel my knees getting weak.
Of course I love you Ivar with all my heart, I will never love any other man. I should be able to say to him, but I couldn't, all I was thinking was that night. The night I saw him with Margrethe, the night that he broke my heart, the night that I realized that he was just using me, to get what he wants. I also think about the day that he saw me with Sigurd in Hederby, the way that he insulted me, the way that his words broke what was left from my heart. I couldn't tell him, not to be just used again, I couldn't bear him doing that to me twice. Gods, how I love this man.
"Steena?" He looks at me confused, waiting for my answer.
I couldn't tell him that I love him, but I also couldn't lie about my feelings.
"Steena, I need to talk to you." Largertha says to me, I never felt more relieved to see her.
"Of course, I am going." I sign relieved and I walk towards the Great Hall.
"What about our sons?" Ivar asks me, almost terrified at the thought of being alone with his sons.
"I think that they need to spend some time with their father." I smile at him.
"But if they got hungry? Or cry?" His face was full of worry, that I almost chuckled.
"They just ate, and if they cry, they will have their father." I said softly.
I walked towards the Great Hall and Largertha talks to me about some things that she wants me to do, it was nothing important. Just attend her daily feasts, that's right, daily feasts. She thought that with many Vikings in Kattegat, they should be treated properly.
When I walk out of the Great Hall, I look at the forest. It's been a long time since I bathe in the river. I am going to do it today.
I went to the hut and I saw Ivar watching ours sons sleep peacefully, my heart melted with that scene.
"Are they hungry?" I whisper at him.
"No, they are just tired, we played all day." He whispers and looks so happy, this is a side of Ivar that only I could see, and I love it.
I went away and I got in to the forest, the scent of the tree and flowers calmed me, making me feel so light. I got next to the river and I take off my dress and I entered. The water was so warm, I closed my eyes and let myself go to that warm water.
After a few hours I got up and I started to put on my dress, my wet hair leaving a few drops on my back. I was so relaxed.
I needed to see Brynjar and Eirik, they were with Ivar in his hut. I walked towards it, when I heard steps getting close to me. Panic started to rise, when I heard steps getting closer, I started to run, when I thought that I was distant enough, I hid myself behind a tree.
Why I didn't tell anyone where I was going? Not even Largertha or Ivar? I prayed to the gods, hoping that nothing happened to me tonight.
When I didn't heard the steps anymore, I signed relived. My mistake.
I feel a hand on my mouth, and a knife on my throat. I close my eyes, I thought that this is the time that was going to die. But then I didn't feel anything, just a heavy breathing on my cheek. I opened my eyes and recognized that face right away, even if I only saw it once. The tattoos, I would recognized anywhere.
King Harald.
He took his hand of my mouth, I wanted to scream but I just froze there. He was grinning on me, the disgusting body of him, making me feel nauseous.
"When I land my eyes on you, I did my best not to take you right in front Largertha." He whispers in my ear, his disgusting breath on ear. I wanted to puke on his face.
"I do not understand...." I whisper, to afraid to do anything.
"When I met your mother in Paris, I went insane. I needed to have her, but she was too in love with that father of yours. But I was smart, I knew that she could slit my throat if I force her. But then I saw you, you look so much like her. I need to have you, I was sure that you had your mother fire. Being a shielmaiden, but you are just some delicate little flower. You made it too easy for me." He didn't stop grinning me and kiss my neck.
Tears fell off my cheek, I was terrified. Ever since that night with Ivar, no man ever dared to touch me. I felt disgusted by his touches, I feel that I was disgusting.
"Please, I beg you. Do not do that." I was crying so much, the fear was all over my eyes.
"Oh do not cry my little flower, when I am done with you, you will forget that crippled that you have sons with."
He starts to pull up my dress, to my waist. He starts to grab my thighs and I try to get away from him. I managed to get away and I started to run, but he pins me down to the ground. My head hurt from the impact and I ran out of air.
"You know that your mother and you are the only ones that did not want to warm my bed? Not even the slaves refuse me." He laughs, this laugh is pure evil.
I was screaming but he did not seem to care at all, my throat was aching from so much crying and screaming.
"Do not worry little flower, I will take my time with you." He put his lips over mine, I denied him entrance.
When he was taking off his pants, an axe was thrown at a tree, centimeters from King Harald's head. He stops and we both look at the direction that the axe as thrown.
"Next time I will not missed it, get off her. Right now." He screams, I know that voice. It's Endre.
King Harald leaves me and went straight away to the Great Hall, I was breathing heavily, my eyes were wide open. I could not believe what just happened.
Endre tries to hug me, but I did not let him. Even if Endre didn't do this to me, I couldn't bear his hands on my body.
"Did he hurt you?" His eyes were full of rage.
I didn't say anything for a few minutes, everything was going through my mind right now. But the main thing besides my sons, were Ivar. He would think that I'm disgusting for letting a man touch me like that. He could never know what happened.
"Steena, did he hurt you?" Endre was saying every word through his clenched jaw.
"No, he did not had the chance." I was whispering, I don't know even if he heard it.
"We need to tell Largertha about this, he needs to be punished for what he did to you." He says quietly, but the rage was all over his body.
"NO." I scream. "No, I mean. He did not do anything, besides he is a King, I do not want retaliation from him." I lied to him, telling Largertha means that Ivar would know about it.
I could see the disgusted look to me, I would not be able to bear it. Ivar could never know, if he knew he would never look the same to me. I should not care about his opinion about me, but the truth is that Ivar's opinion, is the only opinion that matters to me.
"No, he needs to pay for this." He screams and I jumped, I don't know why, he didn't touch me.
"It is fine, I am not going to hurt you." He was talking softly to me, like he was trying to calm a wide horse.
"I know that this is not the best moment, but this just proves my point. Steena you are not safe, your children are not safe, even with the protection from Largertha, that animal was able to hurt you." While he is talking, his eyes never left mine.
"What do you mean by that?" I ask, looking down, avoiding any eye contact.
"You need a husband, someone to protect you. If you were married, this would never happened." He looks at me, but I am too embarrassed to look at him.
"I do not wish to get married, even if I did a husband would not protect me all the time." My voice starts to get back to normal.
"I know, it is just..." he sighs. "What I wanted to tell you earlier is that I love you, I love you from the moment that I saw you for the first time." There is was, the words that I always wanted to hear, but they were not from him. They were not from my Ivar.
"Endre.." I try to process the information, he loved me? That was not possible, but I don't believe that he is using me.
"Look it is fine, I know that you love Ivar. But I just need to make sure that you are alright, what I am trying to say is..." He signs, like he was gathering courage.
"You will marry me?"
I widened my eyes, was he really asking me to marry him?
"I should tell you that if you do not want to be intimate with me, I will never force you. I am doing this to keep you safe." He try's to reach my hand, but back off.
"I can not leave Kattegat, you are an Earl, you have to go back to your lands." I was really considering this, despite being an awful idea, he was right, even with Largertha protecting me, something could happen, just like happened today.
"No, I am not. If you want to live here, we will live together. Like a family, you, me, Brynjar and Eirik." He smiles at me.
I just look down to the ground, all what have always wanted was a family of my own. But it's not with the man I love, it's with someone that loves but it's not Ivar. But I push these thoughts away, I wasn't doing for love, it was only to keep my sons safe. Even being a son of a Ragnarsson, doesn't prevent to things to happen.
"Yes, Endre. I will marry you." I said with no emotion on face, did I regret this already?