Outrage. Absolute fury.
Time stood still as I looked into those bronze brown eyes that used to draw me in and cause me to be so smitten with him. I wanted to push Chan down and scream at him all the pain he brought me. And that look of pity on that face made me want to punch him.
How dare he? How could he actually have the audacity to show up here with his ludicrous little posse? I wanted to shout every hateful word and phrase that existed at that boy. He left me. He left me. He left me when I needed him the most! I hate him. It was the first time I felt genuine malice towards him. My face must as red as a firetruck by then. I'm sure my countenance was solely enmity, judging by his embarrassed and even somewhat intimidated expression.
I noticed in my field of view that Jeonghan's once long lilac hair was cut short, and dyed dark butterscotch brown, and his hand was nervously clenching a colorful bouquet of flowers. To his left was Hansol, his hair dyed jet black, a change from the caramel that I met him in. His face showed guilt and anguish as he stared into Seungkwan's eyes.
Since I had no clue as to how to react, I glanced over to the irascible Seungcheol, with his face as red as mine, his fists clenched, and his knuckles turning white. He practically had smoke coming out of his ears. Seungkwan on the other hand only showed alarm. His eyes were wide, the color drained from his face.
This all happened in the span of a few seconds.
The first words spoken were from Jeonghan. He cleared his throat and tugged on his shirt collar, "I-Is this a bad time?"
"You've gotta' be fucking kidding me," Seungcheol growled.
"I'm sorry!" Jeonghan yelled with heartache, "We can explain!" His eyes locked with mine. All the grief on his face couldn't make me feel anything but acrimony for him. My blood was boiling.
"Explain what?" I screamed, "How you fucking left us after we go through such trauma? Don't act fucking innocent, or expect us to forgive you."
Along with this anger came adrenaline. I felt like I could flip a car on its side, I was so hyper. Seungcheol would have to hold me back if they said anything even remotely provoking.
"We don't expect you to!" Chan exclaimed with panic. His voice. The voice I've been yearning to hear for so long. So many memories hit me like a hammer. Everything flashed in my mind. The ferris wheel, the dinner, the party, making out with him on my bed, holding his hand at the zoo. My vision went blurry several times, as it does when I'm overcome such intense exasperation.
"Listen, we're just here to see Seungkwan," Hansol resolved, "Let's not fight around him."
"You don't deserve to see him!" Seungcheol hissed, standing up quickly.
"Seungcheol, quit it!" Seungkwan austerely ordered. It was the loudest we'd heard him speak in months. "I have more friends than just you, and you don't own me! I would like to see them, so please let them in," he sighed disconcertedly. Seungcheol and I knew we were defeated then. We slowly sauntered towards the door, and the three boys parted the way for us. On my way out, I roughly jostled Chan with my shoulder, forcing him to step back and yelp in pain. Something about that brought me relief.
Without words we trudged to Mingyu's room. Wonwoo was practically living there at this point, so when we walked in, we saw them cheerfully playing Mario Kart DS together and giggling every so often.
"Hey guys," Mingyu spoke, his eyes trained on his game, "I saw your boyfriends."
"They're not our goddamn boyfriends," Seungcheol spoke through gritted teeth.
Mingyu spitefully slammed down his DS, sighing angrily, "Oh damn you, Wonwoo." Wonwoo smirked in response.
"So what's up guys?" Mingyu asked, finally meeting our eyes.
"Why are you acting like everything is okay?" Seungcheol chided.
"Because it is! Seungcheol, I nearly died. I don't think I'll ever get so worked up over trivial things again. I'm just happy to be alive," Mingyu beamed with candidacy.
"Babe, just because it isn't important to you doesn't mean it shouldn't be important to him," Wonwoo intervened, "Seungcheol really likes Jeonghan."
"He's just a few doors over. Go see him," Mingyu rolled his eyes.
"He hurt me," Seungcheol stated plaintively.
"And you hurt me, but I forgave you a long time ago."
"What happened with us was an accident."
"And how do you know that what happened with Jeonghan was on purpose with the intent to hurt you?"
Seungcheol opened his mouth to speak but Mingyu cut him off.
"You don't know. And you won't know until you talk to him."
Seungcheol fell silent. It had the same effect on me. It would have to be a really good excuse for me to forgive Chan though. That's what I told myself. He hurt me too badly to be forgiven.
"Soonyoung, do you want to go get something from the vending machine?" Seungcheol asked quietly, his dark chocolate eyes glancing into my own. I pursed my lips and nodded as my gaze fell to the floor.
"Bring me back something," Mingyu ordered as we shuffled out of the room.
"Me, too," Wonwoo added.
We trudged wordlessly down the narrow hallway, passing Seungkwan's room with averted eyes. The brightly lit vending machine sat at the end of the corridor. Out of the corner of my eye, when we passed Seungkwan's room, I saw Chan slip out of the doorway and begin following us. I pretended he wasn't there.
"Soonyoung," he croaked. Hearing my name leave his mouth brought back more unwanted memories. I pushed down all of the affection that was fighting to burst through my throat. I ignored him. However he was determined, as he always is. Seungcheol rolled his eyes.
We approached the vending machine and I fished out my wallet. As I inserted two coins into the machine, there were two light taps on my shoulder.
"Soonyoung," Chan muttered, so quiet I wouldn't have heard him if I wasn't secretly listening for his soft voice.
I couldn't ignore him this time, no matter how badly I fought to. I spun around and he was standing a few steps back. I couldn't believe he had the valiance to approach me. All the pain that he brought me was all coming back to me at once. My vision blurred for a moment.
"What do you want?" I asked confrontationally.
"Can we talk?" His voice sounded so delicate, as if it would break at any second.
"Why should I talk to you? Why should I give you anything after you left me like this?" I inquire, infuriation consuming me.
"Please, Soonyoung, give me one more chance to explain myself. Then you never have to speak to me again," he pleaded sorrowfully.
I had to stop hiding behind this bitter shield. I missed Chan more than words could explain, and given this opportunity to talk to him, I wouldn't let my resentful facade take this away from me.
"Fine," I said, "When and where do you want to talk?" I saw something light up in his face after I said that.
"After we're done visiting Seungkwan, we can go out for food and talk about everything. How does that sound?" Chan proposed.
"Who is we?" Seungcheol interrupted, holding several bags of snacks in his hands.
Chan nervously met Seungcheol's intimidating gaze and stammered, "Uh, all of us, but we'd probably talk privately...you know, like one-on-one..."
I couldn't read the expression on Seungcheol's face.
"Alright," I said, dismissing the boy. He jogged back into Seungkwan's room, his black hair bouncing playfully as he did.
"What do you think, like, honestly?" I asked my elder friend as we strolled back to our friends.
"Mingyu's right. We should hear their side of the story."
Back in Mingyu's room we ate snacks and waited impatiently for the three boys to come take us away while the couple played more Mario Kart DS and playfully raged at one another.
"I get discharged this Friday, did I tell you guys that?" Mingyu informed.
"No?" Seungcheol and I said confusedly.
"Oops," Mingyu laughed.
We rejoiced with him and hugged him while he told us to back away and struggled to see his game.
"How do you forget to tell people that?" I asked into his hair while I wrapped my arms around him.
"I lose track of who I've told already!" he exclaimed.
"Soonyoung," Seungcheol called out. I pulled away from Mingyu and shot Seungcheol a glare. I noticed in my line of sight the three boys crowding the doorway to our room and I swiftly grabbed my belongings, waving goodbye to the couple engrossed in their game.
I stood near Seungcheol as we departed the hospital and followed the boys to their car. I realized that there were just enough seats for the five of us, and they were filling quickly. Jeonghan and Hansol took the front two seats, leaving Chan a window seat in the back, which meant I would have to sit in the middle, practically pressed up against him and Seungcheol.
Seungcheol opened the car door and gestured for me to get in, smiling defiantly at me. I reluctantly got in, not feeling petty enough to force Seungcheol to sit in the middle.
The car ride was excruciatingly long, as I kept trying to scoot as far away as I could from Chan. Every left turn brought me hell, causing us to be pressed together, and I could feel blood rushing to my cheeks every time. I would have felt splendid if only I wasn't holding this massive grudge against him. I couldn't enjoy it, and I was uncomfortable. When we finally arrived at the restaurant, I almost jumped over Seungcheol, trying to escape that car.
Inside the edifice, Jeonghan and Seungcheol got their own booth, as did Chan and I. Hansol sat awkwardly alone at a table, twiddling his thumbs and periodically checking his cell phone.
I stared uncomfortably ahead at Chan, who was flipping silently through his menu. The lights above us shined on his hair and illuminated his face in an orange glow. I averted my gaze to my menu, deciding on a meal. Our waiter took our orders and Chan cleared his throat once we were alone.
He began his story, "Ever since we met, you were like a guilty pleasure to me. I've been told my whole life that liking boys is unnatural and bad. But the moment we met, I knew I felt something. And that something that I felt, it tore me apart. I wanted so badly to not like you, but ever since we kissed on the ferris wheel, you were all I could think about. I remember at the amusement park when we kept running into each other, it astounded me. I thought that we kept finding one another for a reason, like it was meant to be. I could only tell Jeonghan and Hansol about my feelings, and I did. Which was a huge mistake.
"The last night we were together, when I got home, my parents took my phone from me as I was heading to my room. I knew exactly what they were looking for, and I knew it wouldn't be hard to find. I couldn't even sleep. The next day, they called me out to talk. They'd read all of my messages, and they suspected that you and I were a couple. And I mean, by the way we behaved towards one another, we basically were. There was no way I could lie myself out of that. Ever since we met, I would try to make it look like we were just good friends, but it became hard to conceal it, especially as my feelings grew for you.
"So my parents decided to delete and block your number, and they told me I wasn't allowed to see you anymore. And I was so hurt, because I really liked you."
Liked. Despite my confused feelings towards Chan, hearing liked hurt my heart so intensely. At that time I wasn't sure if I even still had those burning feelings for him, but hearing he'd lost those feelings made me want to tear up.
He continued, "Later that day I went to see Jeonghan, and I told him everything. He offered to stop talking to Seungcheol to help me feel better. It was so selfish of me, but I felt heartbroken, so I told him to do it. That's all my fault, so please don't be mad at Jeonghan."
Our waiter delivered our drinks to us, and we took a sip before he continued again. I was still processing everything he'd said so far. I don't know why, it might have just been so many emotions hitting me at once, but I was choking back tears.
"Afterwards Hansol came over in tears because he heard what happened with Seungkwan. And it really messed with all of us. Because I wanted to just run to you, and tell you that it would be okay. But I couldn't. I had no means of contacting you, and if I got caught doing so, I'd get so many of my privileges taken away. I felt like such a terrible person.
"And not to mention that I was the reason Seungkwan was in the crash. If it weren't for me, he would have gone home with you. And he'd be fine. But as much as I hate to say this, if it weren't for him, I couldn't be here right now. Because after begging and begging, my parents gave me permission to go see Seungkwan. And I knew it would be my only chance to tell you everything that happened, and hopefully, earn your forgiveness..."
His sparkling brown eyes found mine. I was speechless. I was torn between wanting to let go of all the anger I've felt, and wanting to hang onto it; to not let him win me back so easily.
"Chan," I choked out, "I was heartbroken. I was alone."
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"So what now?" I asked, "We say goodbye?"
He was silent.
"I don't know," he finally admitted, "I don't want to say goodbye, Soonyoung. I missed you horribly this entire time."
"I missed you too," I admitted before I could stop myself. "But how will we keep in touch?"
He was mindlessly twirling the straw around in his tall glass cup, staring at how it moved the bubbling liquid. "I don't know. I go back to school in a couple weeks, and aren't you going to college?"
College was the one thing that I was trying to keep my mind off of. But it was true. "Yeah."
"So even if we did have a way to communicate, would we even have the time?" he asked.
I'll always make time for you, was what I wanted to say. Instead I groaned, "Not really."
"Soonyoung, I... I can't say goodbye to you. I just can't. I want you to be in my life," Chan sighed.
"How do we work around this? I'm blocked on your phone and you could only come here because Seungkwan almost died."
"I'm getting older, and soon my parents won't be able to control me. But you'd have to wait for me, and I don't want to burden you with that."
But you'd have to wait for me. It was echoing in my mind. I'd have to wait a year before I could be with him. And we probably wouldn't even be able to talk through that entire time. It would just be wondering and hoping that Chan still wants me.
"I'll think about it," I deadpanned, still lost in thought.
He glared at me sincerely. His skin was so clear, his hair so perfect. His brown eyes were sparkling like stars. He looked the best that I'd ever seen him.
"You'll have to tell me before I leave tonight," he warned. I nodded understandingly.
We decided to join Jeonghan and Seungcheol, since they were also finished talking. Hansol plopped down next to me and we all ate together, just like the night we all met. There was a burning pain in my heart, knowing that this might be the last time I ever see them.
After dinner, Jeonghan dropped Seungcheol and I off at Seungcheol's apartment, and I knew I had to tell Chan my decision.
I pulled him out of the car and hugged him in the moonlight. He smelled so fragrant, like I always remembered him. His thin body in my arms made me feel so content and peaceful. I wanted to pet his hair and tell him that it would all be okay. However, once we pulled away, I stared into his dazzling eyes and said, "I'm sorry Chan, but I don't think I can wait for you."
And he nodded. Then he was gone.