14. Sparks and Fireworks
Night had fallen, and the smell of burgers and hot dogs filled the air. Everyone was having a good time, eating and laughing. However, I would constantly get lost in my thoughts. I kept thinking about what Sonia told me. Could I live knowing that he won’t have his memories? Even worse, the realization that I interfered when I brought him back to life. The weight of what I had done was taking its toll. What had I done? My heart sped, my breathing grew quicker, and I began to feel lightheaded. “Clair?”
I felt a hand place itself on my shoulder. Lifting my head, I saw golden eyes looking down at me with concern. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good. Do you need water?” Kenai put a hand to my forehead. “You’re a little hot.” As I looked at him, I began to feel myself calm down. “No, I’m fine. Sorry for worrying you.” He smiled. “Take it easy, okay?” I nodded.
Suddenly, boom! A blue firework short across the sky. More followed, and before long, the sky was filled with fireworks, their colors lighting up the night. Everyone began to cheer and hoot. “Hey, wanna go onto the roof and watch them?” He asked in a loud voice. It was hard to hear over the loud screeches and pops of the fireworks. “We can probably see the fireworks show all the way in Palmer if we climb up!”
“But I’m kind of scared of heights,” I replied. “Are you scared of everything? Come on, it’ll be great!” I breathed a sigh. “You better not let me fall!” I tell him. He ran around the corner of the house, dragging a very long ladder behind him. I look around and find Sonia and Alex near the table of food. I walked over to them. “Hey, Kenai and I are going to go up onto the roof and watch the fireworks, want to climb up with us?” Sonia shook her head. “You two go on ahead,” Alex said, “we’re going to eat some more.”
I laughed. With that, I walked towards Kenai, who had somehow managed to place the giant ladder against the house. He waved me to follow, and so up we climbed. The roof was relatively leveled, so it wouldn’t be hard to sit on.
The sky was decorated in booming lights. Reds, blues, yellows, whites, and greens filled the sky with an incredible glow. You could see fireworks for miles. It looked beautiful. “I love it up here!” I said. Kenai laughed, grabbing my hand and leading me to the other side of the roof that faced town. We sat, letting our legs dangle off the edge.
For a while, we just sat in silence, enjoying the view. It was nice, having this moment. “I’m not patriotic, but I really like the Fourth of July. I love all of the fireworks.” Kenai looked over to me with a smile. “Why do you like them so much?” I thought for a minute, swinging my feet back and forth. “I think it’s the colorful glow that they make in the darkness. I think that’s why I love the northern lights, too.”
“I’ve never seen the northern lights. What are they like?”
“They’re like… like river of dancing colors. I think they might be the best thing about living in Alaska. You haven’t had a chance to see them since you came around summer time, but wait until the winter. They decorate the sky almost every night. We take trips during the equinoxes to go see them. You should come with us. Something about the equinox just makes it feel more magical.”
“I really look forward to it.” He gave me a big smile. As I looked at him, the feeling of guilt started to overcome me. Did I do the right thing by bringing him back? Am I doing the right thing by deciding to let his memories stay suppressed? This whole time, I’ve been meddling with his life simply to make myself feel better. No one ever asked him what he wanted. He never had a choice. If he knew, would he be happy about what I did? Would he want his memories back? Or would he be angry? Would he hate me?
“Can I ask you something?” My voice was uncertain and timid. He nodded, his eyes still fixed on the sky. “This is something I saw in a movie a little while ago…” I lied. “Say that you died, but your best friend wanted to bring you back to life, only you would be brought back with a different body. Would you want them to bring you back?” He tilted his head slightly to the side, thinking. “How did I die?” He asked. “Someone murdered you,” I said immediately, “and it was for no reason. You were innocent.” He took a deep breath.
“Well, either way, I still died. I think it’s dangerous to cheat death. Everything comes at a price, you know?” I nodded. “So, is that a no? What if the price was the memories of your past life?” Kenai chuckled. “There’s still a lot that you’re not taking into consideration. What about the family I left behind when I died? How would they feel if I came back in a different body? Besides, where did the body come from? Would my best friend still be in my life? There’s a lot you have to consider.”
“Alright, well, say you didn’t have a family. You only had your best friend. They’d still be in your life, it would just be as if you’re meeting them for the first time again. As for the body… let’s say that it belonged to another person that just died, but your soul was put into it.” He stood quiet. “Well, if I only had my best friend, then I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, since they’re all I had to begin with. I wouldn’t lose anything. What about the body’s family?” I paused for a bit. “I don’t know about the body’s family…”
“Well, I’d pretty much be living as the person whose body it was, right? It’d seem unfair to the person’s family if they thought they had their loved one, but it was actually someone else.”
“Remember, though, you’re innocent. You were killed for no reason. Say you had that person’s memories, then. Say you thought that you were that person.”
“But I’m not.” He looked me in the eye, a solemn look on his face. He was taking this seriously, not as a hypothetic question. I didn’t know whether to be glad or worried. “So, you wouldn’t want to?” I asked, my voice barely audible over the fireworks. He looked up at the sky. “It would save the grief of a lot of people. At least I’d have another chance at life, even if it wasn’t my own. I guess I could shape it as my own.” I breathed a sigh of relief. At least I didn’t ruin his life by bringing him back.
“And, what about the price? What about your old memories?”
“Well, did my best friend know it was me? Even in my new body?”
“Yes.”
“Are they hurt that I don’t remember them?”
“Yes. It brings them in a lot of pain.”
“Can they be brought back?”
“…They might be able to.”
“Well, it’d definitely be easier coping with only one life’s memories… But, I don’t want them to be in pain.” He took a deep breath. “I would trust my friend to decide what they thought was best for me.” I stared at him. “You’d let them decide for you?” He nodded. “If they thought that I would be happier forgetting, then sure, I’m fine with it. If they think that the memories are important enough to be remembered, then help me get them back. I’d trust my best friend to choose what they thought was right.”
I looked back to the sky. He wants me to choose? How can I?
“But the memories were the price to being revived, right? If you cheat death by reviving me, then you cheat death again by stealing back what you paid, then who knows what the consequences will be?”
His words sent a cold chill through me. I cheated death for Kenai through Takeena. What will happen if I succeed in getting his memories back? What will happen if I succeed in cheating Takeena? This thought terrified me.
“What movie did you get that question from?” He asked. I didn’t look at him. “I was just flipping through channels on TV, I didn’t catch the name,” I said quietly. He laughed. “That was a hard question.” I nodded. “It’s nice, though. My best friend would have gone through the trouble of cheating death to bring me back. They must really care about me.” I smiled, turning to him. His eyes were staring right into mine. I felt my heart swell in my chest. “More than anything in the whole world,” I answered.
“Let me ask you a question, now. It has to do with the question you just asked.” I nodded, waiting for what he had to say. “As the best friend, would you see them as the person they were before, or as just a body with the memories of someone else?” I began to play with my hands. How did I see Kenai? “I think I would see them… as the same soul, with a new life. They’re still your best friend. They have the same personality, the same favorite food, the same favorite color. They’re just living a new life that they didn’t have before. They still have the same heart they did before they died. They’re there, they’re just born again.”
“I think it would be important to remember that they’re not the same as before. They’ll probably have new ideas, new feelings. I don’t think you should think of them as one and the same. It’s like if you were to meet your dad as a woman, or you dog as a person. They’re different. They’re not gonna be the same, because they’re a different person now, a different life. Like you said, they’re the same soul, but that’s probably all that’ll stay the same.”
I nodded. It was strange to think, but he was right. I had always thought that Kenai had just transferred bodies or was sharing with another person, but it became clear to me that that wasn’t the case at all. He’s still Kenai, he’s just a person now. I can’t think of him as my bear. That’s not who he is anymore. “Do you think it would be different if they had their past life’s memories?” I asked. He shrugged. “So you’ll remember where you used to live, when you would go to a certain place. You’ll remember where, when, and why. You’ll know, but you won’t feel the same. I mean, think if Jack turned human. He’d have memories of drinking from the toilet, but that doesn’t mean that he’ll still like or even want to drink from the toilet. Like I said, it’s new thoughts and new ideas, it’s a different perspective.”
“You’re right.” I said, squeezing my hands tight against my chest. I couldn’t help but wonder, what will he think of me if he regains his memories? What did he think of me before? What does he think of me now? “What’s wrong?” Kenai asked. “Is the height scaring you? We can get down if you want.” I shook my head somewhat frantically. “No, I’m fine! Actually, I’m not scared at all. I think it’s because you’re here. I feel really safe with you.” I gave him a smile, and he smiled back, grabbing my hand. “I’m glad. I want you to feel safe with me, and I want to help you be fearless.”
As I looked into his eyes, something in me changed. Maybe it was the fireworks. Maybe it was what he had said to me. I didn’t see him the same anymore. I thought back to the very first time I met him as a human, and I realized that I never saw him as a bear. I would always tell myself that, but I was so confused. I had lied to myself. I’ve been lying to myself.
My face began to grow hot, and my heart beat rapidly. His hand hadn’t let go of mine. Before I even knew what I was doing, I felt myself bring my face closer. My chest felt as if it were going to explode. My face was just inches away from his, and I saw his face change in expression. He went from happy to surprised, and his cheeks began to grow red. I didn’t know what caused me to move, what caused me to understand, but I wasn’t trying to stop it. I wasn’t an inch away from him, when he suddenly jerked his head back.
“You know what? We never told anyone that we were up here. They’re probably wondering where we are.” Kenai’s voice was fast and nervous. He suddenly let go of my hand and quickly stood up. “Come on, let’s go back down.” I stared up at him, confused. “Um… sure.” My voice was shaky and I stood up somewhat slowly. What had just happened? As soon as I stood up, he walked ahead towards the ladder, avoiding eye contact with me. Quickly, he climbed down, heading towards the table of food to pick up empty plates and take them inside.
As I finally reached the ground, realization hit me. My face grew hotter and hotter. I covered my mouth with my hand, staring down at my feet. My heart squeezed. My palms began to sweat, and my eyes began to water.
I had developed feelings for Kenai.
That’s why I get jealous of Kate. That’s why I get embarrassed of Alex’s jokes. That’s why I got embarrassed about clinging onto him when we went swimming. I liked him this whole time. I just tried to kiss him. I was mortified. What made things feel worse?
He had rejected me.