Justin Withers looked like Albert Finney, the guy who played Daddy Warbucks in the movie version of Annie. He was intimidating in that respect as well. I suddenly felt like I was sitting in the boss's office after getting caught taking too many sick days.
He didn't say anything for the first few minutes we were in the room after introducing himself. He was reading. I hoped he was reading our file but I wasn't sure. Emily nervously fidgeted in the chair next to me. I reached over and threaded my fingers through hers, giving her a look of reassurance. I knew how she felt, I was on edge as well.
I jumped slightly when Justin sighed. He looked up at me, his brown eyes piercing into mine. I held my breath when he opened his mouth to speak,
"I've been doing this a long time. I've run into a lot of situations that were..." He smirked, "Not ideal. One of the parents has a record. Someone had a drug problem." He folded his hands over the manila folder on his desk, "But that all pales in comparison to two people in a committed relationship but not married when it comes to adoption."
Emily's eyes dropped and I knew she was holding back tears. I wanted to protest. Protest? Shit. I wanted to stand up, stomp my feet, fold my arms over my chest and whine until someone agreed that this was unfair. Emily and I weren't legally married but we were in every other sense. We were committed to each other. We already had two kids. And Jesus Christ it was 2017 not 1955.
I sat forward,
"But-"
Justin held his hand up before I could continue,
"I believe in being honest with my clients. I believe in letting you know exactly what you're up against. Because the adoption rules have relaxed a bit here, other countries have yet to catch up." He smirked again, "That's where I come in."
Emily lifted her eyes to look at me and then at him,
"Your...your clients?" She asked softly.
His smirk formed into a smile,
"You seem shocked."
Emily looked over at me and then at him again, her hand squeezed mine a little tighter,
"I mean...I just didn't-" She stopped, "The director of the orphanage was very honest with us about the fact that we have a lot of strikes against us."
Justin nodded, his smile disappearing as he leaned forward to tap his phone,
"Anna, get me Dr. Parmley's people on the phone. We need to sit down and discuss how to handle this with the Ghanaian government. I need Robert and Millie in here to start writing up some briefs and doing some interviews. And I need Angelo researching past adoption cases with Ghana." He barked into the phone, hanging up the moment Anna confirmed she heard him.
He looked up at Emily and I,
"Next step is to submit a Dossier to the Department of Social Welfare. That's when things will get dicey because the court will want to see that you are a stable couple despite the fact that you're not married. And the court is who gives final approval. However, if the government can..." He stopped, "Persuade...things could swing to our side."
I was struggling to keep up with him. I was so ecstatic that he was taking us on as clients that I didn't care what else we had to do. This was a huge win for us and judging by the look on Em's face, she thought so too.
-------------------------
Lucy ran into the kitchen to grab the bread I'd just sliced off the counter. Dinner was almost ready. Once Emily and I had returned from Justin's office, we decided to have a nice family dinner and then put the kids to bed early so we could celebrate with some adult activities.
I stepped over Noah as he ran through the kitchen with his teddy bear, giggling like a hyena. I shook my head as I smiled, watching him turn the corner and tear out into the back yard. I loved this. Lucy skipping around being helpful while Noah's happy noises filled the air. With any luck we'd have one more tiny voice joining them.
Lucy reached up to grab the corn on the cob off the counter. I turned around to help her pull them down,
"Hey, I'm gonna go get your mom. Try to get Noah to sit down for dinner ok?"
Lucy rolled her eyes,
"Yeah right, Dad."
I laughed silently as she turned to walk out. I was "dad" now.
I wiped my hands off on a towel and turned to walk towards our bedroom. Emily was sitting on our bed, her phone in her hand, scrolling through pictures. She'd done that a few times since we got home, but whenever I walked into the room she'd quickly tuck her phone away and pretend like I hadn't just caught her doing something she felt was embarrassing.
However this time, she didn't move. I walked over to her, glancing down at her phone to see her scrolling through pictures of the orphanage and Kesse.
I sat down next to her, sliding my arm around her waist as I leaned over to kiss the side of her head,
"Dinner's ready." I said, my voice low.
She sniffed,
"Ok, I'll be right out."
I made no move to leave. I pulled her hair off her shoulder and kissed her skin,
"You alright?"
She shrugged her shoulders, sighing a bit as she kept scrolling. I felt her shudder,
"We've been back for two weeks. Two weeks that he's been in that place wondering why we left him."
My heart broke listening to her. She clicked her phone to sleep and set her chin in her hand,
"I feel like we're not doing enough. Like we just left him to come home to our big house and great life and he's still sleeping on a crappy bunk with a thin blanket."
"Baby, we bought him all new bed stuff before we left."
She turned to look at me,
"I know. I just...I want him here. I want him in his room. I want him chasing after Noah and bugging Lucy." Her eyes filled with tears, "I want him home."
Once again, I knew how she felt. But she was grappling with something I wasn't. She'd been resistant to my suggestion at first. I knew she felt guilty. In her mind, if she hadn't been so against it in the beginning then Kesse might already be here.
"Em, this isn't your fault or my fault. We're doing everything we can to get him home."
"If I had-"
I quickly silenced her with a kiss to her mouth,
"Don't say it." I whispered when I pulled away, shaking my head, "Because it's not true. And you have no way of knowing that."
She looked up at me, all sympathetic puppy dog eyes who just needed to be reassured that she wasn't the terrible human being she thought she was.
I put my hand to the side of her face,
"I wouldn't change a thing about you. Do you know that? Do you know that even when you make me insane I still think you are the most fascinating person I've ever known?"
She couldn't help but smile. Her shoulders relaxed slightly,
"Yeah?"
I nodded,
"And we're gonna be fine no matter which way this goes. Right?"
She looked down at our clasped hands, nodding gently before she looked back up at me,
"Right."
I kissed her again,
"C'mon...dinner's ready. And Lucy probably has Noah tied to his chair by now."
She reached up to swipe her hand under her eyes. She took my offered hand and followed me out onto the back deck where Lucy had expertly placed each dish on the table and Noah was quietly seated in his chair.
-------------------------
Niall had phoned me earlier in the week to schedule some time to hit the studio together. He wanted my help, which was interesting considering we hadn't really done anything musically together for a really long time. But I jumped at the chance, because Niall and I always worked well together and I missed our collaboration.
I may have also had an ulterior motive. Emily's bouts with her guilt had become more frequent and pronounced. And no amount of assurances that I didn't blame her seemed to lessen her pain. While I was hardly a novice at dealing with Emily's anxiety, I really was at a loss here for how to make her feel better. Two heads were always better than one.
Niall sat down in the chair next to me after he closed the door,
"So this idea...it's kinda crazy but I think you might enjoy it."
I listened to Niall's explanation, my excitement growing with each word. But that was no surprise actually. Niall always made me excited for things. We were approaching our 30s and Niall still spoke about music and performing like we were teens on the X-Factor.
I nodded when he was done,
"Alright. Yeah."
Niall seemed happy I was down with his suggestion but I could tell he could see something was up with me. He leaned back into his chair,
"Now tell me what's going on with you?"
I regarded him for a few moments. Sometimes talking to him got me into deeper trouble. He always told Emily which I did not ever spite him. But I needed his advice on this one.
I leaned forward, balancing my elbows on my knees,
"This is..." I stopped, wringing my hands and dropping my eyes to the floor. I looked back up, "She's so upset. Convinced that she's at fault for this whole thing."
Niall nodded,
"I know."
I knew he knew. I ran my hand across the back of my neck,
"What do I do? I've tried everything. I don't blame her, but she blames herself."
Niall folded his arms over his chest,
"Ya know how she gets sometimes."
I shook my head,
"This is different Niall. She's even pulling back from Lucy and Noah. She's never done that. It's like..." I stopped, not wanting to say it out loud.
"Like what?" Niall prodded.
I sat back in my chair,
"Like she thinks she doesn't have any right to be a mother."
Niall raised his eyebrows, blowing a breath out of his mouth like he was shocked. He pulled his baseball hat off, ran a hand through his hair and then put it back on,
"I dunno man. She really fell for that kid."
"I know she did. Niall, you should've seen her with him. Short of watching Noah being born it was the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed. She could keep him calm just by pulling him into her arms. I mean..." I stopped, "She does that with Lucy and Noah too but it was different with him. It was like she could hear his thoughts."
Niall studied me for a moment,
"I dunno if there's anything ya can do if I'm bein' honest. Bein a mom is her thing ya know? Makin sure Diz and Noah are the happiest they can possibly be? That's where she gets her confidence."
"It's where I get mine too." I whispered.
I ran my hand down my face,
"I feel guilty myself. I pushed her into this."
Niall shook his head,
"I told ya...she was gonna do it anyway. She just needed to get t'that decision. I never believed she wasn't goin t'adopt that kid."
I looked up at him,
"When we first met him...the first day we were there, he screamed bloody murder. He didn't want anything to do with her."
Niall looked shocked,
"Really."
"I tried to make her feel better about it. Told her it was just his fears. He's had so much happen to him and he's only three. But she was upset. When we got back to the hotel room, she told me that she was worried that if she couldn't do this..." I stopped, "I wouldn't love her the same."
"Fuck." Niall breathed out.
"Yeah." I opened my arms in defeat, "And now we're here. She's trying hard and she feels like she's failing and she's worried that if it doesn't happen it'll be her fault and she'll lose me. She'll lose our family. After everything we did to get it back."
Niall sighed,
"Not gonna lie...I don't envy the spot you're in, Mate."
This was helpful even if neither of us had any idea how to help. Venting to Niall helped me organize my own feelings. And I realized that I had my own guilt to handle.
I felt like I wasn't doing my job. Em made sure the kids were healthy and happy so it was my job to make sure she was. And every time I had to look at the pain in her eyes I knew I wasn't holding up my end of the deal.
-------------------------
I pulled Noah up into my arms after I finished giving him a bath, brushing his teeth and pulling his pajamas on. I nodded every time he babbled about his day, making sure I answered him at the right times. I laid him down in his big boy bed and pulled his covers up to his chin,
"Sweet Dreams, Love."
Noah lifted his arms,
"Hug."
I gladly leaned down to let him secure his arms around my neck. I kissed his forehead as I came back up,
"Goodnight."
"Night Daddy." He called out as I closed the door.
I clutched my chest. God love that kid.
I made it to our bedroom. Emily was lying on the bed, a book balanced on her chest as she quietly read. I walked over, anchored my leg on the bed and crawled up her body. I kissed her feet, then her legs, then her tummy and was just starting on her arm when she giggled,
"Someone's in a mood."
I took the book out of her hands and set it aside,
"Fair to say I'm always in a mood."
She smiled, lifting her hand to my cheek,
"I feel like there's been such a black cloud over us lately." She frowned, "I suppose that's partly my fault."
I sighed, tipping my chin down to kiss her chest over her shirt,
"We need to decompress. Go somewhere. Do something."
She jutted her thumb in the direction out of the room,
"We have two youngins to handle."
I took a breath,
"I miss you, Em."
She tipped her hips up into mine, instantly causing me to harden in my boxers,
"I miss you, too."
My mouth came down hard on hers. My hips ground down into hers as I slipped my tongue into her mouth. My fingers almost made it to her center when my phone rang.
Both of us froze and turned our heads to my phone buzzing away on the nightstand.
"It's probably Jeff." She commented as she wriggled out from underneath me.
"Em...wai-" But she was already halfway to the bathroom. I shook my head as I sat up and grabbed my phone, "Hello?" I barked into it.
Jeff informed me he'd RSVP'd me to some fashion charity thing in London in a couple weeks. I informed him he was an asshole for scheduling me for something during a time like this as well as cock blocking me. Emily was not in the mood by the time the call ended and honestly, either was I. We burrowed ourselves in the sheets and fell asleep tangled in each other.
-------------------------
The next few days seemed relatively normal. Lucy went off to school while Emily and I took care of house chores and Noah until it was time to go and get Lucy. We were a normal couple with two kids and a huge elephant in the room that neither of us wanted to discuss.
Justin called every now and then to ask us for a document or tell us something we had to go and handle. For some reason they needed physicals for both me and Emily. I suppose they wanted to make sure neither one of us was dying any time soon. Considering I was still able to hop around on stage like a maniac I wondered if just sending them a tape of one of my shows would suffice.
We were both in perfect health. Justin seemed to think that was helpful. Although Justin seemed to think a lot was helpful. He was upbeat all the time which was kind of odd and hard to get used to. I knew that when his name popped up on my phone not to hold the phone to my ear because he was probably going to break my eardrum.
But he was working his ass off for us and at the end of the day, that's all I really needed to know.
I guess I should have been alarmed when he called and told us he was coming to the house. He'd been here a few times picking up papers, another odd occurrence considering the amount of money the man was charging us. Didn't he have couriers and assistants to do this type of thing? Em swatted at me, however, and told me Justin just liked to give the personal touch.
When he showed up, I opened the door and led him into the living room. Noah was down for his afternoon nap and Lucy was at school. He graciously took the glass of water Emily offered him.
Emily and I sat down on the couch, both of us watching while Justin paced back and forth. He seemed like he had something rather important to say. He finally let out a deep sigh and looked at us,
"Ghana is fighting the adoption."
I was stunned into silence. Emily stared up at him with her mouth falling open but also said nothing. I figured we'd have some hoops to jump through, but fighting the adoption?
"Why?" I blurted out suddenly.
Justin cleared his throat just as I felt Emily's hand relax in mine,
"Things over there are very different than they are here-"
"I know!" I yelled, quieting down quickly, "I know. We've been there."
Justin sighed but not like he was annoyed with me, more like he was determined,
"I told the two of you that this would be tough. Remember? There were going to be issues we would have to work through and mountains we would have to climb. This is just the first hill."
"Hill?" I questioned as I stood up. My hands slid onto my hips as I paced in frustration. I couldn't sit still, "This is more than some goddamn hill, Justin."
Justin stood up and approached me while Emily stayed on the couch,
"Alright. I know." He caught my eyes with his, a conviction behind them I'd seen in few people, "But I'm not giving up. We have moves we can make." He glanced back at Emily, "Look, I'm going to see this through to the end...whichever way it goes." He looked between us, "Are you two with me? Because we still have a long way to go."
Emily nodded, looking up at him with unshed tears pooled in her eyes,
"Yes." She whispered softly.
Justin looked back at me, raising his eyebrows in anticipation of an answer. I nodded finally,
"Yes."
Justin put his hand on my shoulder,
"I am not going to stop until we've exhausted every avenue."
I held his eyes, reading every inch of brash dedication behind them. Even if he didn't bring Kesse home to us, it wouldn't be because he didn't try his hardest. I diverted my eyes down to the floor, folding my arms over my chest before I nodded.
Justin grabbed his keys off the coffee table,
"Alright then. I'm headed back to the office to work all of this out. I will call the two of you if anything changes." He stopped at the front door, "In the meantime, the two of you need to go somewhere and relax for a few days. Get away from all of this and just get some calm. It will help. Trust me."
I didn't move after he closed the door. It had been a while since I'd felt so completely useless when it came to my family. The last time had been one hundred percent my fault and I sort of felt like it was this time too. My money, my name, my connections, none of that would help me here. I was at the mercy of an indecisive government who granted wishes based on the way the weather happened that day.
I didn't even know where to begin to fix any of this. Did I even know what I was doing with anything anymore? My whole life seemed like I made rash decisions and then regretted them immediately. Would I ever lear-
I was mid-freak out when Emily stood up from the couch. She walked over to me slowly, snaked her arms around my neck and pulled me into a tight hug. I unfolded my arms after a moment, pulling her into me as I held onto her like I was drowning.
And maybe I was.
-------------------------
I was scared. Terrified actually. Emily and I had reverted to that time in our lives that I swore we would never go back to again. After I'd cheated and resolved to win her back there was this awkwardness between us. We didn't know how to relate to each other with the change in dynamics between us. We had stilted, superficial conversations about shit I could've cared less about. We were polite.
I fucking hated it.
After two days of bumping into each other and uttering quiet "excuse me"'s, I was ready to tear my hair out. I had no idea how to move past it. I could tell it frustrated her too.
So when Jessica showed up on my doorstep, I was relieved. Usually Jessica's appearance pulled nothing but extreme annoyance from me, but having another body in the house that wasn't one of our children was a welcome change of pace. Jessica was about eight months pregnant, ready to pop and waddling everywhere.
She kissed my cheek after I opened the front door,
"Hi." She blew a breath out of her mouth, "Jesus it's hot today."
I looked outside to see that it was fairly overcast and the breeze coming in through the door indicated it was probably just above 70 degrees.
She turned to look at me,
"Is she here?"
I nodded as I closed the door,
"She's here."
"Are you both still acting like you don't know each other?"
I raised my eyebrows, clearly Emily had been telling her what was going on. I walked past Jessica to the kitchen, shaking my head,
"Unfortunately."
Jessica followed me,
"It's not like Justin said it was impossible."
I set my phone down on the counter,
"He might as well have." I said quietly as I turned to grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.
She set her purse down,
"You're both being very doomsday about this. Try some positivity maybe?"
I finished the sip of water I'd just taken,
"Positivity? Ok. I'm positive this is going to get worse before it gets better. I'm positive I didn't realize the magnitude of what this would entail. And I'm positive Emily and I won't know how to help each other through the pain if it doesn't happen."
Jessica stayed silent, just staring at me as she shook her head.
"What?" I finally asked.
"What's the worst thing the two of you have been through?"
I shot her a look,
"You and your boyfriend love to keep bringing that up."
Jessica rolled her eyes,
"You two didn't know what the hell to do with each other when all that happened." She rounded the island to walk over to me, sliding her hand onto my shoulder, "But you made it through that."
I looked down at the bottle of cold water in my hand,
"It's really hard." I whispered.
Jessica nodded,
"I know." She gestured towards our bedroom, "I'm gonna go talk to her. Maybe I'll take her out for some girl time."
"Please." I said as she walked away.
-------------------------
Lucy tossed a piece of macaroni in my mouth while I stood waiting with my mouth open. I caught it easily causing both of us to cheer and giggle. Emily still wasn't home from her girls day out with Jessica but I honestly wasn't worried. Besides, it gave me some time alone with my kiddos.
Noah tugged on my jeans as he lifted his teddy bear in the air. I knelt down,
"What's up Lil Man?"
Noah shook the bear,
"Hungry too."
I smiled,
"Well alright then, he gets a bowl too." I announced.
Macaroni and cheese wasn't my first choice for dinner. But Emily and I hadn't exactly been up on the grocery shopping lately. Besides it was gluten free pasta and organic cheese so how bad could it really be? Lucy was just happy she didn't have to eat a vegetable for once.
She hopped off the counter,
"Daddy, when do I get to go to Africa?" She asked as she grabbed the silverware to set the table.
I turned to the stove to stir the pasta. It hadn't occurred to me that Lucy was probably looking forward to the trip. Would she even get to go now?
"Uh," I started as I stirred, "When do you wanna go, Diz?"
She shrugged,
"Next time you and mumma go."
Considering I didn't know the next time either of us would be going, it wouldn't exactly be a lie if I said yes so I nodded,
"Alright sure."
She clapped excitedly as she ran towards Noah, picking him up as well as she could,
"I'm going to Africa, Noah! Yay!!"
Noah clapped when she set him down, looking up at me with the most quizzical expression on his face I'd ever seen. And for the first time in weeks...I laughed.
-------------------------
It was late when I heard the front door close. Lucy and Noah were already in bed. I decided to sit down at the kitchen table and answer some emails while I nursed a beer. I hadn't drank a beer in years it seemed like. But I needed something to take the edge off.
I also needed to clear my head and think. It had taken me months to win Emily back. I swore we would never again be in that place but I was naive to think that place would only reappear if it had to do with infidelity between us. I had come to learn this awkwardness was a part of our relationship when we didn't know how to make each other feel better.
Emily was the love of my life and I hers. And not being able to relate to each other was downright unacceptable, especially during times like these when we needed each other the most.
She walked into the kitchen, set her purse on the counter and made a beeline for me. She sat in my lap and snuggled into my chest as far as she could without actually getting inside of me,
"Do I need to remind you that I love you?" She said, her voice sounded meek.
I let out a deep sigh, clasping my hands around her back and setting my chin on the top of her head,
"Maybe we need to remind each other."
She lifted up off of me, her eyes peered into mine as she lifted her hand to my cheek,
"I love you."
I relaxed completely. All of my earlier trepidation melted out of me. She was there, she always had been. It was just my own insecurities rearing their ugly head.
"I love you, too."
She stayed silent, simply keeping her eyes locked on mine before she looked down,
"I'm sorry." She apologized, "I just don't know how to do this, I guess."
I kissed her cheek,
"Me either."
She pressed her hand to my chest, hooking her fingers into the V-neck of my shirt,
"It's not you." Her eyes lifted to meet mine, "Please don't think it's you." I nodded but stayed silent. She took a deep breath, "Jess says we need to get away."
"So did Justin."
"Niall did too."
"Niall just wants to kidnap our kids for a week."
She laughed softly,
"I say we let him."
"Where would you like to go, My Love?"
She leaned down, her lips brushing across mine with a feather like gentleness,
"Surprise me."