I'll wait, I'll wait
I love you like you've never felt the pain
I'll wait
I promise you don't have to be afraid
I'll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Little do you know
I know you're hurtin' while I'm sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I'm trying to make it better piece by piece
Little do you know I
I'll love you till the sun dies
Little Do You Know- Alex & Sierra
_________________________________________
Two Years And Eleven Months Ago
It's been a month since Caitlin and I are studying in her room on her bed. Neither of us are really the party type so we are both just studying, what can I say, we are nerds?
Although, I can't help but notice how nice she looks today. She's only wearing a grey sweater and some simple loose fitting jeans but she still looked really nice. Her hair was loose and she wasn't wearing any makeup. I always thought that she was prettier with no makeup on. It's nice to see her being herself.
I couldn't help but stare, she just looked so nice. I just couldn't take my eyes off of her.
"Barry, I can see you looking at me, you know," she giggled, looking up at me from her book. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as I turned crimson red after getting caught staring at her. She continued to giggle as I grew redder and redder. "Don't worry, I think you're cute too," she laughed with a shy smirk making my heart miss a beat and my cheeks grow even further red like they were glowing.
"You... You do?" I questioned, stuttering as she continued to giggle.
"Yeah," she replied, leaning forward and kissing my cheek. I completely froze. This is the closest I have ever been to a girl aside family members.
As soon as she pulled away and noticed my reaction, she burst out laughing once again and once I had snapped out from my trance I did too.
When the moment passed, we both sobered up and returned to our work. I couldn't help but catch occasional glances of her while I was working. Luckily, she didn't seem to notice or if she did she didn't seem to mind. But every so often, she would look up too and smile softly and sweetly at me making me smile right back at her.
Three Months Later
It was Friday and Caitlin and I was spending the whole night watching an all night Star Wars movie marthon in my room. We both adore the movies as we are both massive nerds and fans.
Caitlin was practically completely against me despite the fact she has a boyfriend, Hunter. It's been a month since I realised I was falling for her and everything has been going great between us. At least, friendship wise. Everything else... well, there isn't anything 'everything else'.
We were both under the covers of my bed in our PJ's with her head lying on my chest with her arms around her. A bucket of popcorn was resting on my lap so we could both easily access it. I could hear her soft breathing and I knew that she could hear my heartbeat.
My heart was racing from having her so close to me and pressed against me but I had to try and control it so she wouldn't find out or notice. why is it that I always find myself wearing my heart on my sleeves? I want to tell her how I feel but she isn't available right now so I can't. I want to know whether she cares about me the same way I care about her. It's hard to keep it in but I know that I can. At least for a little while.
I looked down at her beautiful face and swept her hair out of her vision. She looked up at me and smiled softly and sweetly with her soft brown eyes focussing on my face. She was so breathtakingly beautiful. Every move she makes causes my heart to melt and skip a beat in my chest.
The way she makes me feel... the way she makes me fall... I'm crazy about her.
She snuggled further into me and used one of her hands to pull the covers further over her and took another handful of popcorn while resting teh other on my chest. The move made my heart race once again and I had to fight hard to shield it. I know she can hear it.
I place a kiss on the top of her head and tug her closer to me, no longer being able to resist the temptation of being even closer to her. She just feels like home. A home away from home. A best friend. And one day maybe more.
Four Months Later
It's been hard since that kiss. It's hard to get it out of my head. Really hard. It was two months ago but it is still haunting me in my mind and hiding ready for the memory to creep up on me when I'm alone or when I see her.
I'm young and in love. And the girl I love doesn't see me in the same way. But that's okay, I still have hope. Maybe one day... maybe it might change. Maybe there is a chance for me. Maybe one day I will get a shot with her and her affection.
I often find myself wondering whether we will ever be together. But I have to hope and pray that maybe one-day things will change between us. I love her. Only her and whilst I awkwardly pine for her, someone else is with her. Someone who isn't me.
But tonight, I let go of all of those worries and stress and heartbreak. Tonight, I was initiated in a pillow fight with the girl I love. A playful one at that. Almost flirtatious. Or at least I wish it was.
The night had started out fairly normally, we were just studying for our upcoming exams and testing each other. But quickly things changed when she suddenly grabbed a pillow and hit me with it. She was asking for it, how could I possibly refuse?
I grabbed the nearest pillow and hit her right back.
"Okay, Allen, now the gloves are off!" she exclaimed playfully with a sexy smirk that made my heartbeat race and pound in my chest like a gunshot at every beat.
"They sure are, Snow!" I replied with a matching smirk and we charged at each other with our weapons, laughing as we hit each other.
We continued to fight, ending up at some point on the bed abandoning the pillows and finding our way on top of each other rolling around on the bed both trying to be the one on top to be the victor of our fight.
At a certain point, I ended up letting her win by accident as I realised how close we are right now making my heart stop in my chest. I looked at her and noticed the way she was sat on me. Her knees either side of my waist and was quite literally sitting on me.
If only we weren't wearing the clothes, I thought to myself.
No! You can't think that! I know you love her but don't think that! Bad Barry, very bad Barry! Ugh! What am I even saying right now!?
A Year Later
My mom... I just got the call... she... she's dead...
"Barry, what's wrong?" I hear the voice of the woman I love ask softly when she sees how upset I am from the call I just received.
"It's... my mom... the cancer... she... she's gone..." I sobbed, tears streaming down my cheeks as I turned to face her.
"Oh my God!" she cried and pulled me to her for a hug. She held me tightly and cradled me, kissing my head and forehead over and over to comfort me as I cried into her neck. "I'm so so sorry, Barry," she whispered softly in my ear. "I'm here for you, you know that right. I'm here whenever you need me..."
"I know... She's gone, Cait. She's actually gone," I replied weeping into her neck still as my body began to shake from all the shock and pain.
"It's alright... it's alright, I've got you," she whispered softly.
"It's not alright, it's not okay. She's gone, Cait!" I exclaimed in pain, my face red raw from crying and eyes casting a dark shadow.
"I know, I know it hurts. But you still have your dad. And you still have me. We won't ever leave you. I promise. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere... I've got you. I'll take care of you. You won't go through this alone, I can promise you that. I am here... I am here... I am here," she whispered the last statement over and over again in my ear.
Her words helped but the pain did not numb like I wanted it to. But I have her and she is here. She won't leave me. At least as a friend.
Maybe she will never be more but at least I have her as a friend. She won't leave me. She promised. She won't. No matter how badly I want her as more than friends. I still have her as friends. She's not going to leave me. No like everyone else. I'm not alone.
"You're not alone, Barry. You never will be. You always have me. I promise. I am here for anything you need. You only have to ask. I am here and you aren't alone," she whispered, holding me even closer than before.
One Month Later
It's the day of the funeral. Everyone came. Caitlin stood by my side, holding my hand the whole time. She was there for me when I read my eulogy that she helped me write a week before today. She cried with me at the ceremony and stayed with me afterwards. She came with me back to my childhood home for the wake.
She made me coffee and we drank it together while every once in a while someone attending teh wake would give us their condolences along with my father. She stayed the whole night with me and slept in my bed with me to comfort me when I woke up crying after a nightmare.
She held me in her arms for what seemed like hours until I fell asleep beside her once again. She cuddled me the whole night long. She helped me through it all. Every single little thing.
I love her. More than anything in the world, I love her. This whole painful ordeal has made me fall even deeper for her. I didn't know that it was possible to love someone so much. This much. She's my everything and my whole universe. The girl who I want to spend the rest of my life with. My soulmate and the love of my life.
But she doesn't know and she never will.
I've lost all hope of her feeling the same way. She doesn't love me back, pure and simple. As much as it hurts, it's time to face the truth. Maybe it's the depression talking but it's the truth. She sees me only as a friend no matter how I feel for her. She has broken my heart enough times for the scars to never heal.
I've tried to put myself back together again with the hope that she will someday reciprocate my love but now I can't. I've lost too much. My heart is too broken. I'm too broken. She's broken me. My mother's death has broken me.
Everything that I used to be is gone. The hope that kept me from completely falling apart is gone. I've fallen apart. I'm nothing now. Nothing but pain and heartbreak. I'm now a waste of a life. I'm not the same Barry as I was before.
I am the broken Barry. The one I've tried to suppress for the last one and a half years. But I can't do this anymore. I'm broken.