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"So you're thinking about a reveal party?" My sister scheduled us to go out and eat together because I spent eight hours, working at my salon.
"Yeah, why not?" I dug my fork into the strawberry spinach salad with feta. "Last time I never gotten the chance so right now, I want a chance."
Taylor rolled her eyes before sighing, "Please, stop speaking so negatively about last time. Lets walk away from it, you've been blessed with another blessing."
"You're right," She was hurt by the miscarriage as well, "you know I have counseling tomorrow morning? I don't know if it's working but I wanted to quit so bad."
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that, how's it going?"
I chuckled, shaking my head. "Man, its been a wreck, Taehyung cried last session-" I paused to laugh even more, "then the session ended and the counselor kept assisting it was because he-" I stopped talking, I looked down at my food then looked back at my sister who was waiting for my answer.
"Because he what? Choked?"
"No," I took a sip of my coconut water, "she said it's because he cared and now its been in my head like seriously what if he does care?"
Taylor placed her hand on top of mine that was rested on the table before lightly squeezing it, "He does care! I'm sure he does, Gray."
I gave her a toothless smile before continuing onto my food, "I guess."
taehyung,
I was running late to counseling on purpose, I was about fifteen minutes late and when I entered the room Graycen was sharing ultrasound pictures with the counselor with a wide smile. At first, they didn't even notice me until I cleared my throat. That's when Graycen quickly placed the pictures inside of the pocket of her trench coat.
"Oh, Taehyung!" The counselor greeted. "Good seeing you, sit, please sit! How are you both doing?"
"I'm good," the heels of my shoes kept hitting the wooden floors underneath me, "just working and surgeries, I guess."
"That's good, what about you Graycen?"
"Um, nothing." Graycen chewed on her gum relentlessly, something she always did when she was nervous about something.
"How about you show Taehyung what you showed me?" I squinted my eyes and it took her a few seconds to dig into her pockets and she slid photos over to me. "Tell him everything you told me." I felt like Graycen and I were both teenagers who had conflict so now we were sitting down at an office.
"So," her voice was shaky and her eyes finally she looked into my eyes, it seemed like the first time and for some reason I felt good about it, "these are the ultrasounds for my baby and-" she paused then continued speaking, "I am four months and I'm having a reveal party." She allowed me to look at the ultrasound pictures by myself since she let them go.
At first, I used to be completely confused about ultrasounds but now I got the hang of it and sometimes I'd study them at the hospital. "When are you going to have the party?"
"Haven't decided yet," she hummed then sat back in her chair, "my sister is actually going tomorrow to find out the sex so, I guess that's that." I didn't say anything after that, I just continued to check out the two ultrasound photos before handing them back to her. When my attention was back at the counselor she looked elated, her hands were clasped together and she was wearing a big smile.
"Are you okay?" Graycen asked with a chuckle, that little chuckle that made me smile time to time.
The counselor sat up in her chair before answering, "Very, you guys are showing improvement. Anyways, last session we had a talk about the miscarriage. Can we have a talk about how the divorce came about? Any personal stories?"
I stayed mute so Graycen took the chance to talk, "Well, um, I came back from Australia in attempts to surprise Taehyung. You know, since I was ignoring him the whole time I thought it'd be good, but by the time I was home he had his friends there-"
"- what were their names?"
"Namjoon, Jungkook, Jin, and Yoongi," she answered her, "they had burritos and beer. His friends actually looked happy to see me but Taehyung didn't. Which I understand because he tried his hardest to get in contact with me but I didn't want to talk to him."
The counselor asked, "So, you don't blame him for being mad at you at the moment?" The word mad was used incorrectly because I was anything but mad at Graycen, I was only disappointed in her.
"Um no," she breathed out before placing her hand on the desk, "not at all. I was just not expecting him to be as mad as he was. He wouldn't talk, look, or even acknowledge me. I felt like he didn't need me there."
I cleared my throat before looking at the counselor, "I didn't want her there, God forgive me, but I didn't want her there."
"Why didn't you want her there? Is there any logical answer to that?"
I frowned, it's like they didn't get where I came from. "I needed her the most and that's when she decided to leave-"
"- I wish you'd stop blaming me for needing time to mourn," she fired back this time causing me to groan, "I left because it's what I needed for ME. I needed time for myself and you needed time for yourself too."
Shaking my head, I chuckled bitterly. "That's a bit insane that you think you can say what you think I needed. When in reality, all I needed was you. In our vows, we said that we'd stand by each other in times that we needed each other the most. It's funny how things change when YOU want them to change, Graycen."
"So, Graycen it seems like Taehyung needed you and not only were you not there physically but you spent long months not at least checking on him." Finally, the woman was seeing my standpoint on things. I was exhausted of saying the same things to Graycen, trying to explain to her why she was wrong was like talking to a wall.
It seemed like she was tired of arguing because she agreed, "Yeah, that did happen. Honestly, I never knew that it affected him that much. Taehyung doesn't wear his emotions on a sleeve so I just thought by the time that I came back that he would want me to stay with him, to comfort him, to love him but I was too late. The time I came back was the time that he wanted space."
"Did you give each other space?"
Graycen bit down on her bottom lip before speaking, "He kicked me out of our apartment-"
"- my apartment, my name was on the lease. Therefore, the apartment was mine and so what if I kicked you out? You had other places to go, isn't that correct?" As soon as I said that, I wish I didn't because Graycen automatically got emotional. When I was angry, I tend to say things that I shouldn't.
"Taehyung, please, no low blows here!" The counselor cried out. "I thought we were making progress here."
"You know what?" Graycen turned her body around in her chair and stared at me as if she wanted to kill me. "I understand that you're perfectly fine after the marriage, that you're not hurting anymore. That it was my fault that we got divorced but don't you ever in your mind disrespect me for how I chose to handle my miscarriage.
What you won't do is criticize me for how I chose to keep my sanity. You don't get to judge me anymore for how I choose to pick up the pieces that broke, wanna know why?" She craned her neck before speaking. "It's because I'm the only one who made a effort to try and stay to fix the mess. Not you." I was surprised when she didn't walk out the door instead she faced forward and chewed on her lower lip.
The room was dead silent for awhile until I decided to speak up, "I don't want you to stress yourself over this anymore because it's done for. For now, can we only focus on your health and the baby?"
"No we cannot because clearly we're both not done settling this." Graycen said shortly before the counselor ended our session today. Since she claimed that we're on the verge of getting better we had more sessions this entire week until we suck it up. For once, I was actually interested in that.
Maybe, it was time to let things go. It just wasn't that easy. Everytime I was ready to let go, my anger got the best of me.