day 2 ➜ a letter to my crush
Dear Christine,
Time has been unkind to us.
But I want to stop and take a breath before I write this so I won't lose myself again remembering you. And that breath in our story is Secondary school, St Andrew's;
a) it's where I met you.
b) it's where we first kissed.
c) it's where we became dreamers.
So I guess I'll start with how I met you. I believe it was around the autumn term of Year 9 that we met. It was break time and I was sitting cross-legged on the carpet of the library hidden behind a shelf. My back was resting on the books and my eyes were closed and tears were silently rolling down my face. I can't quite pinpoint what was the exact reason for my tears that day— but I know it had something to do with Jaime and his possé.
I had begun to feel someone staring at me. You always asked me how I knew people were watching me when I wasn't actually seeing them do so. I'll tell you. Over my Year 7-8 of St Andrew's I learnt to feel people's stares after months and days and hours and minutes of people laughing and talking about me. By Year 9 my body naturally became uncomfortable at people's stares.
So I opened my eyes to see a girl staring at me from behind one of the shelves, a hand wrapped around the corner as if she were almost about to approach me. That girl was you, Christine.
You must've noticed I was staring directly at you with puffy pink eyes and a wet face. I saw something change in your face and your rose tinted lips made an 'o' shape. You then stepped out completely from the shelf hiding your body and slowly walked to me and you didn't take your eyes off me once, as my eyes reciprocated by following yours.
You stopped in the space next to me and sat down. You didn't say anything you just watched me. By this point, my eyes returned to the floor but I could still feel your eyes watching me.
You could tell I was uncomfortable with your watching me, as I nervously returned my eyes downward and I knew you knew because you didn't say anything.
You didn't ask me "are you okay?" A question you knew you didn't need to ask just by looking at me.
You didn't even ask me my name and I didn't ask yours.
We just sat there in silence, my face drying and the silence of your eyes watching me wasn't making so me uneasy anymore, if I could even describe the feeling, it was as if you shared in my pain. That I wasn't alone and that there was someone there. You, Christine.
You were there on lunchtime that same day and all the other days following. You'd just sit next to me and listen to me cry. Or you'd sit there and wordlessly start reading a book or doing homework. You could've done all that at home, but you did it in school, in the library to sit next to me and comfort me. I began to really, immensely appreciate your presence.
I never once went looking for you, nor asked people about you. To everyone else, there was nothing new with me.
But you and I know there was.
It took another two weeks of you sitting next to me and doing your things such as eating your lunch before you actually spoke one word to me.
A word I would never forget.
"Christine." You'd said, introducing yourself after two weeks. Two weeks we'd met like that, twice a day, five days a week.
When I heard your name, I looked at you. And I didn't know much about you apart from, you really liked ham and cheese sandwiches and prawn cocktail crisps, you sat next to random strangers and comforted them (talking about me here, you know I'm smiling Chris), and that you were kind. I knew so little about you and I'd only heard the sound of your voice once, and I don't know if it made me crazy, well it possibly does, but I decided Christine suited you.
You looked at me expectantly while I stared at you.
I noticed some things about you that I hadn't before. Maybe it was the midday sun spilling in through the window or just you. But then in that moment, I realised just how pretty you were. Your hazel eyes looked like fresh honey, waiting to be spread on celebratory pancakes. The type of honey you couldn't find in Sainsbury's or Tesco, but the type you suck from the honeycombs you'd pull straight from the source. Those eyes of yours scanned me in curiosity, as I watched the honey of your eyes moving like a tasty soup outside the rim of pupils.
I found myself wondering how I'd never noticed them before, your eyes I mean. Your hair was the same colour as your eyes, the honey really popped when I looked at you. I'd never stared at anybody so long. I'd never stared at a girl for so long and as I came to these realisations, I noted you were probably waiting for my name.
So I gave it to you, in the same way, you did me, one word, one breath, one sound, "Harry".
You nodded at my name and continued to watch me. After about fifteen minutes had passed you asked me, "what are you doing after school today?"
Normally after school, if I didn't have detention that day, I'd catch a bus home to Aldertree. I never really went out and did stuff like other students, cough, Jaime. So I summed that up in one word for you, "nothing."
"Wanna go to McDonald's and get something to eat... with me?" You'd asked and now I look back at it I kinda laugh. That last bit, 'with me?' you sounded so uncertain like it was a sure thing I would turn you down.
But I surprised you with my answer, "sure."
You raised your eyebrows slightly and then let them fall accepting that I'd actually just agreed to what you'd suggested. "Let's meet here after the bell rings."
"Cool beans," I said and you tilted your head and looked at me like I was a little strange.
"Cool beans?"
"You've never heard that before?" I asked you and you shook your head 'no'.
"No I haven't but, you know what, I kinda like it," you said with a light chuckle to your voice and my lip curled at the sight.
During period 5 I oddly found myself counting the minutes until the bell rang for my class to be dismissed. I found it strange that I was, what? Excited to meet you? I don't know, but it was something and I liked the feeling that went through me. That kept me alert all lesson, someone else would think I was meeting my favourite celebrity or something, but I wasn't. I was going to meet you. That's how excited I was at the opportunity of meeting a new friend. And I think it was also the fact that I hadn't spent time with anyone after school that whole year and also the feeling deep down in my gut that I might actually enjoy myself with you and have fun with you. Fun. A concept I'd forgotten about for so long and I guess the possibility of it was just overwhelming. It'd been so long since I'd had fun that I'd forgotten how to smile. But, that day when you asked me about "cool beans" I'd smiled, even though it was small and tight lipped. It was a smile and a cast of my old self before Jaime had started to forget about me.
So when the bell went, I packed up my bags so fast I was out the door before my tutor finished speaking and already heading towards the library. When I didn't see you standing outside, I began to have doubts. What if you'd decided it was a mistake to spend time with me? But I pushed the doubts aside and went to our usual spot and sat and waited.
You were ten minutes late, but I didn't really mind because you came. And that was all that mattered. The second I saw you my lips nearly smiled at the sight of you as I stood up and walked over to you.
You apologised for your lateness and I brushed it off as we walked out of school and towards the nearest McDonald's. As we got close, through the window I saw loads of people inside wearing our school uniform and when I spotted Jaime I stopped walking and called out your name.
"What's wrong?" You asked me and I shoved my hands in my pockets looking for loose change.
"Nothing, just, it's so crowded. There's no need for both of us to go in, I can just wait out here for you. Can you get my order? A cheese burger and chips, oh, and barbeque sauce too," I said and took out the coins, "here's two quid."
You accepted the two-pound coins from me and went in but I knew you didn't quite believe me, but I didn't mind. I waited around five minutes before you returned, brown paper McDonalds bag in hand.
"Let's go the park, there's a bench I like." You said.
Later we found ourselves sitting on the bench facing the children's playground. You gave me my cheeseburger and chips and we shared the barbeque sauce between us. You had chips and chicken nuggets. We ate for a while, watching kids play on the swings before either of us said something.
"Why do you cry every break and lunchtime?" You asked.
You've always been bold. I've never once known you to beat around the bush, you've always said what you're thinking and I think in that moment if you hadn't have been so direct I may never have given you a straight answer.
I put the chip back in the box and looked at you, my hands locking together in my lap. "I'm a joke, I have no friends and someone I care about has forgotten all about me."
"Look, Harry. I don't know if you're a joke or not and if you are a joke to some people—it's okay. It's the way of life. We just have to learn to walk on through it. Some of us have frizzy hair, some of us like watching children's Tv shows, some of us like talking to ourselves and some of us have imaginary friends. So what? Everyone's a joke to someone. We're all jokes. It's just sometimes dealing with being a joke is hard, and it may seem like a losing battle without moral support or a friend. But you're not alone Harry, I'm here. I'm your friend. Me, Christine Kang. I'm your friend and I'm here for you." You said and I stunned for a moment. No one had ever spoken to me like this.
"Christine Kang," I said. "My friend." Before plopping some chips in the barbeque sauce and eating them. A smile coming onto my face.
"And, Harry?" You asked, making me turn to face you.
"Hmm," I said still munching on my chips.
"This someone that you care for that has forgotten about you, they likely haven't. They must have a reason. No one does something without a reason. You gotta believe that, Harry." You said and you looked so honest. Like you really meant it.
I nodded and continued to eat my food as did you.
I don't exactly know when I started to fancy the pants off you, Christine. But I did. I fancied you. You were the first girl I ever fancied.
I don't know why it had to be you. There were so many other girls in our school. Why did it have to be you? There were so many other girls, prettier, smarter and more polite (not that I'd stand a chance though). But I liked you. Why was liking you a problem? Because every day I spent with you, the deeper and deeper my liking for you got.
In lessons, my mind would think about you. And I would try, I would really, really try but it would never work. I'd just end up in square one. Thinking about you.
I liked your eyes, your nose, your lips, your whole damn face. I liked the sound of your voice when you said my name, I liked the way your face would light up when I got you a packet of Walker's prawn cocktail crisps. I liked everything about you. I liked how you made me feel. I liked the racing cars speeding around in my body every time your hand touched me, or you knee nudged mine. When you hugged me, I liked the warmness of your arms around me, of hearing your heartbeat against mine. I liked the sound of our hugs. The only thing that could be felt was the rhythmic sound of our hearts beating in sync, as one, in two different bodies, of two very different people. You know they say about soulmates? That person who shares the same heartbeat as you is your soulmate, well, that's what they say.
I would've never told you this in Year 9. Never. I can tell you now I would've much rather had jumped off London Bridge to my death than tell you. I was so embarrassed that I liked you. But, even more so than that I was scared of losing my friend. So even if sometimes, I saw you as a woman. I couldn't act on it and to do so I silently swallowed the pill of the inevitable way of life. Someone like you would never like me back, and through the rejection, I'd most definitely lose you as a friend.
I knew from a such a young age, that you'd never be mine. And now I wished I'd stayed away when I was a fool in Year 11. A fool who confronted the thief that stole my heart.
A fool who lost everything for the sake of another.
I was a fool for you, Christine. I have always, will always be a fool for you, Christine.
The thing is, when one gets too close to the sun, it burns. But it becomes inevitable, the doom I mean, as no victories are made of scarlet.
And he knew that all too well.
All the love, Harry.
// author's note //
Unedited.
Here's the second chapter! I hope you found it enjoyable! What do you think of Christine?
Oh and I watched the new GoT episode and I'm so excited for next week! I can't wait for Jon to meet Dany. Oh my stars!
Till next update,
L