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Chapter Eighteen
When you're fifteen, there are certain things in life that don't hold as much of a meaning as some other do. At that time, when someone assumed me to be a lesbian, I took it as the biggest insult I could ever have. Even bigger than being called a slut. What I didn't realize at that time all those years ago was that homosexuality is a common trait, one that shouldn't be degraded.
Over the years, incidents have helped me understand how homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. Just like Aisha wasn't ashamed that day in the restaurant. Only, this incident wasn't one that showed me this.
As soon as we arrived home, my mother was surprised to see me return with Manas and Papa.
"What happened to Aisha?" Mummy asked. I stayed still, still not sure of how to respond.
"So you were there with a girl, huh?" Papa observed. "I thought it was a boy."
I shook my head.
"What is it, dear? What happened?" Mummy repeated. Manas looked around, probably uncomfortable at the situation. I wanted to do something to make him feel more at home, but I had no idea what. But after everything that had happened that day...
"She almost sexually assaulted me," I finally spoke, probably exaggerating things a little bit.
Mamma came in for a hug. I finally broke down. For a long while, I cried. A lot. Papa and Manas stood there watching me lose it. Soon after, she left to get us a glass of water each while Papa went to freshen up, leaving Manas and me alone in the living room.
"Riddhika," Manas began. "I know this isn't the right time, but maybe you should consider telling them about it..."
"About what?" I asked as I slowly wiped away my tears.
"You know...this..." He eyed toward my hand and stared at it for a second longer than necessary. Unable to feel comfortable under his tensed gaze, I stretched my sleeves to cover my wrists and palms.
"No!" I almost yelled at him. "It will hurt them. Terribly."
"You anyway have to tell them at some point or another, don't you, Riddhi?" he tried to reason. "It's a huge thing."
I didn't budge. Instead, I shook my head to signify my decision.
Before we could continue more on the topic, Mummy returned with two glasses of water and handed one to each of us.
After that, I continued sobbing. No one asked me why. They just let me do it.
By the time I was done, it was already 11 in the night. Mummy wasn't ready to let Manas go out this late, especially considering how foggy it was outside. Thus, he had to agree by staying the night. He called his mother to take her permission. It took some convincing but when Mummy talked to her, the issue was soon resolved. He spent the night.
Later that night, when Manas had gone to sleep in my brother's room, Mummy came to check up on me. I narrated her the whole incident as it was. She watched me sadly as she heard each part of the story with dismay.
Somewhere in between all of this, tears resurfaced. She didn't stop them. I didn't hide them. That night, she let me cry my eyes out again. Finally, after an hour or two, even though she was reluctant to return to her room, I forced her to go.
However, before she could go after watching me cry for yet another time, I called her.
"There's something else that I need to tell you, Mummy," I whispered. It was loud enough for her to hear. She turned around and returned to the bed to sit next to me. Her eyes looked at me with concern. I tried to smile, but I wasn't able to.
"Remember that time when you and Papa went out for Rajat's wedding?" I asked.
Mummy nodded.
"Well, I kind of did something while you were gone," I told her.
Mummy looked at me with curious eyes. I played with my sleeves, not sure how to frame this thing in a good way. I couldn't think of a single way that would make it less painful.
Thus, with that, I began to narrate her everything that happened the day I wore makeup to the school — how I was slut shamed for no apparent reason, while the other girls roamed about freely. I never went into detail, but I notified her of the major incidents. I didn't want her to be depressed after hearing the very first things in itself. I narrated to her the comments that were passed on me. I told her of everything how students here were, or how difficult it was to manage to hold myself up all the time.
For a long while after I was done, she held me on the bed as we hugged each other. I could almost feel random tears drop from her eyes. Yet, neither of us uttered a word. I have no clue when either of us fell asleep. All that I do know, is that when I slept that night, I went knowing fully well I was safe. Completely safe.
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Judging from my how my past experience with people proposing me had gone, it seemed foolish to even assume that the person who had proposed me would be leave the matter as it was. That someone or the other, be it the person proposing me or one of his/her friends won't pick the matter up and create havoc. It was foolish to assume that one night of being surrounded by the people who loved me and resolved to protect me would make everything alright. That it would be sufficient to drive out the previous day's memories from my mind.
Because it was not.
For the next day, as soon as I arrived in school, I was met with glaring eyes all the way to the classroom. The reaction that had been absent since such a long while was back in its place, and it burned my sensitive eyes. I had grown accustomed to not being stared at, and then to be stared at all of a sudden, that too because of something I wasn't entirely proud of, made my eyes pain. As soon as the first glare met my eyes, I was certain something or the other happened. That Aisha had made a mess she couldn't clean. I wondered how long Manas would be, because I was a little scared to go to the classroom all alone. Isha and Lia were nowhere in sight either.
However, the bell was about to ring and I needed to get my stuff inside before that happened otherwise they wouldn't let me sit for classes the whole day. It would be a waste to come here from all the way back home, only to be not allowed to even sit inside.
Thus, I briskly made my way to the classroom. Only to regret it the moment I stepped inside.
Serious eyes greeted me. Boys looked at me and smirked. Girls oscillated their eyes between the blackboard and me. With no idea as to what happened then, I turned around to look at the board. Shock enveloped me. I didn't understand what was happening. Or, what had happened. I stared at the board with wide open eyes. I heard laughter behind me. Consciously, I turned around to look at who it was. A group of boys were staring at the blackboard and laughing at me. My cheeks heated up as I turned back to the board. Numbness stuck up to me.
In huge bold letters, covering almost the entire board were words, "Riddhika is a bisexual. Wanna know how I know? She told me so." They were surrounded by a lot of incomprehensible scribbling — most of which my blurry eyes couldn't read. One in the corner read, "last night Riddhika and I went for a movie. Once it was over, she forced me to come to a restaurant where she almost kissed me. And would have done even more had I not runaway."
One more read, "Don't ever go on a date with Riddhika, you might end up losing your V card."
Random words filled the remaining of what I could understand. Words like, "cunt", "bisexual", "stripper" and "easy to get".
For I don't know how long, I simply stood there, staring at the blackboard. Unwanted comments passed around me. I didn't know what to do. Not until Lia went and rubbed everything on the board. Not until Isha came and shook me.
"Riddhika," she called and startled me. I simply stared at her. "Come on, it's time for the class. The teacher will be arriving soon."
Without bothering to reply, I turned around to go to my desk. But the disaster wasn't over yet. As soon as I reached my desk, I noticed something scribbled on my desk, too.
"Riddhika has a fucked cunt."
I could take it no more. I broke down. Lia directed me toward her seat where she made me sit and drink some water. She took my bag and kept it aside. Isha then sat next to me. Neither of them uttered a word. Both of them simply looked at me, one rubbing my back and the other patting my shoulder considerately.
When the teacher arrived, they had to let go. Isha sat with me all the while. Yet, that didn't stop me from crying.
By the time the first class was over, I had cried so much that Isha took me to the sick room to rest. I couldn't even walk properly. Had she not taken me there and tucked me safely inside the sheet, I would have fainted on my way.
Once she left me there with a water bottle filled to the brim, I stayed inside the sick bed, not knowing what to do. I wanted to run away but it wasn't like we were allowed to leave the school premises. And so, I did the one thing that I knew I couldn't be stopped from. I cried like there was no tomorrow.
Nothing about the situation made sense. How could Aisha do such a thing to me? A fellow girl like herself? Did it not strike her that in times of need, it is us girls who were supposed to help each other and come to the other one's aid? Or did she think homosexual people form a different gender? Had it been a guy, I would have understood him doing do since boys take everything on their ego. But girls, too? Even if she had that kind of a mentality, it wasn't like she could take any of this on her ego. The incident happened at a restaurant. No one from school was present. I wasn't about to brag about this to anyone. She wasn't about to tell about this anyone. What did it matter, then? Why did she have to do something like this to me? What harm had I suddenly caused her?
The remaining part of the day went by in having incoherent thoughts. None of them had any meaning. I moved in and out of consciousness as I slept an unsound sleep.
During the lunch hour, Isha and Lia came to talk to me. They wanted to know how I was doing. I didn't know the answer myself. They brought our lunches along with them. They ate theirs and force fed me mine. Unwillingly, I ate almost half of it. But that was it.
Neither of them asked me what happened the previous night, but I felt I owed it to them to inform them. It was better if they heard it from me anyway. I didn't want them to believe any other false thing that Aisha said. By the time I was done, they looked at me with sympathy in their eyes.
"Don't feel sorry for me," I requested but with my choked voice, it sounded more of like a plea of desperation.
Lia nodded. We sat in silence for some time until Isha finally broke it.
"Do you want to know what's happening outside?" she asked. Images of what had happened earlier returned to my mind — the rubbish-filled blackboard, the stares, the laughter and giggles, the writing on the desk. Just the memory of everything gave me the shudders. Fresh tears formed in my eyes.
Did I want to know?
I realized I didn't.
"If it's anything about my fucked cunt, then please don't," I told her. They didn't say anything in reply.
"Didn't Manas attend school today?" I finally asked.
Lia shook her head. I wondered what had kept him away. It would have been a huge consolement to have him here with me. Now.
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