When my alarm went off the next morning the sun was just peeking through the curtains of our hotel room. I ran a hand over my face and took a deep breath before I reached over to draw Em closer to me. However, once again, I was met with an empty bed. I sat up, glancing around the room. I saw that the door outside was open again just like it had been last night. I disentangled myself from the covers, shaking off the feeling of déjà vu and walked over to pull the curtains back.
The patio was empty, save the chairs and table that were always out there. Emily was nowhere to be found. I turned around, my eyes darting around the room. Her suitcase was still there, overflowing with clothing she hadn't repacked yet for our journey home in a few hours.
Had she just gone to check us out? Maybe to get some food. My eyes fell on her side of the bed, a note sitting on her nightstand, folded into a triangle. I picked it up and frantically read the words.
Couldn't let you do this. I'm at the orphanage. Join me when you wake up. I love you.
My eyes widened as I read and then re-read the words. She'd gone to see Kesse again? Why? We'd agreed this was over. We had plane tickets. I quickly grabbed the same clothes I'd worn yesterday and threw them on, grabbing my phone and wallet as I ran to the front desk and asked them for a Jeep.
The girl at the front desk smiled warmly,
"It's already outside for you, Sir. Your wife said you'd need it when you woke up."
I didn't stick around to ask any questions, sprinting out to the awaiting Jeep. I hopped in the front seat and held on for the rough ride to the orphanage.
My mind raced the entire way there. She'd gone without me. I wasn't angry, I was terrified. The orphanage wasn't in the safest part of the country. Not that I could have done anything had something happened, but I sure didn't want her out there alone. What was she doing? She'd been so hurt when Kesse had rejected her. I didn't understand this.
I was a ball of nerves by the time we pulled up to the orphanage. There were the normal pockets of kids out running around with their teachers, but I couldn't see Kesse or Em anywhere. The terror in the pit of my stomach grew tenfold. Where was she? I was deep in a self-induced panic when I heard Claudia behind me,
"Bout time you got here." She drawled in her usual accent.
I turned to look at her,
"Is Emily here?"
She looked bored as she walked past me, nodding as she gestured to one of the buildings on the grounds,
"She's been here for hours, Mr. Styles."
My distress eased just a bit. But I knew I wouldn't fully relax until I saw Emily,
"What has she been doing?" I asked as I stumbled along behind Claudia.
"She's been bonding. And spending time with Kesse...and the other kids. She's been nothing short of miraculous if you want my honest opinion."
I stood in the doorway of the building, my eyes searching all of the faces of the people inside. None of them belonged to Emily or Kesse. I turned to Claudia, my frustrations at an all time high,
"She's not in here."
Claudia nodded,
"Kesse wanted to show her his bedroom. Or his bunk, should I say. His things. She took him on a walk to the river." My eyes widened, causing Claudia to laugh, "She was with some of our guides." She nodded behind me, "Ah...here they are now."
I turned around, watching as Emily emerged from some brush with Kesse cradled in a cloth sling that was tightly wrapped around her body. He was, most definitely, fast asleep against her chest.
Her eyes met mine, a touch of concern in her face mixed with apprehension. After all, she didn't know how I was going to react. She held my eyes as she walked towards me, Kesse waking up and sliding his arms around her neck. He turned to look at me but made no move to leave her safe embrace. I walked towards her, both of us slowing as we got closer.
I was confused. She'd been so resistant to all of this in the beginning. And now she was holding Kesse like I'd seen her hold Noah a million times. She shrugged,
"Had to at least try...one last time." I swallowed. Emily reached up to wipe some of the sweat from Kesse's forehead, "He showed me around." He turned his head to look at her. She smiled, "Isn't that right?" Kesse smiled and cuddled into her chest. Emily tightened her arms around him, her eyes growing glassy and red with unshed tears as she looked back at me.
--------------------------
Emily refused to let Kesse go until she put him down into his bunk for his afternoon nap. She sat there for 20 minutes after he'd laid down and listened to him babble words she didn't understand. But she nodded and smiled as if she did. And when she kissed his forehead and told him she'd be there when he woke up, he rolled onto his side and promptly fell asleep.
She kept her eyes on his tiny form buried underneath a light blanket the entire walk out of the room. Once she was out, I took her hand and lead her to an area where we could have a private chat about what had happened this morning.
Only every question I wanted to ask came a distant second to pulling her into my arms and holding her as tightly as I could. Which was what I did first.
"I'm sorry." I heard her voice say in my ear.
I pulled away,
"Sorry? Sorry for what?"
"Scaring you. I didn't mean to scare you. But I knew if we left then you wouldn't wanna come back. And I needed to try again."
"Em-"
She lifted her hand, the tips of her fingers pressing to my lips,
"I need you not to talk right now." I nodded, my eyes wide while I waited for her to speak, "I love you." She whispered, "I would do anything for you." She removed her hand from my mouth, threading her fingers through mine, "I didn't do this because I was forced into it. Or because I thought failing at it would change how you feel about me. I did it because he deserves a chance. He deserves a shot at the best life. He deserves you as his father. He's just a little boy." She smiled up at me, "He's our little boy."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My entire body felt like I was going to shoot up into the sky. I felt every human emotion crash into me at once. I had no words. Nothing that would convey what I felt or what I wanted. So I just pulled her into me and held her against me as tightly as I could. She circled my waist with her arms, resting her cheek against my chest.
We were both unsure of what the future held now that we'd made this decision. We had a lot to talk about. We had two kids to decide how to tell. Not to mention my parents and her parents...and Niall. But we were gonna do this.
--------------------------
I called the airline and switched our tickets back to the original ones we had. Thankfully the airline wasn't booked so it was a quick fix, though they did charge me out the ass for it. Whatever, I didn't care. I must have sat on hold for 30 minutes with them while I watched Kesse sitting in Em's lap as she read him a story.
He didn't understand a word she said but it didn't matter. He was cuddled into her lap, clutching a green teddy bear she'd brought for him while his wide, curious eyes stared at the book she was holding in front of them.
I finally understood what it meant whenever Em used to tell me that her favorite thing in the world was watching me with my kids. Because I could have sat in that chair for hours watching them together.
Once I was finally off the phone, Kesse was taken to go play while Em and I sat down with Claudia. Her office was tiny and overrun with papers, but nice enough considering the environment. When she sat down behind her desk, I opened my mouth to talk but Emily beat me to it,
"How do we start adoption proceedings?"
Claudia looked up and for once when her eyes met mine she didn't look at me with disdain. She seemed shocked,
"You want to adopt?"
Emily nodded,
"Yes. We do. Why is that shocking?"
"I just assumed after his outburst the other day adoption would be out of the question." Claudia replied.
Emily gestured towards the playground where Kesse was playing,
"I've been with him all day. He hasn't had a problem at all. Clearly we're over that hurdle." She looked at me, reaching her hand over which I took. She looked back at Claudia, "We would like to adopt him."
Claudia sighed, clasping her hands together and laying them on her desk,
"You do understand the magnitude of what you're putting into motion? That little boy has been through hell and back and he's only three."
"I'm aware." Emily said with such strength in her voice I fell in love with her all over again.
"He will have emotional problems. He will require the kind of care you can only fathom. He will be difficult, he will have bladder issues, he will have the kind of outbursts you have only ever seen on television. He will have nightmares that cause him to refuse to go back to sleep. He will be distant and closed off sometimes with absolutely no explanation-"
"It sounds like you're trying to talk us out of it." Emily interrupted, the irritation in her voice was clear.
Claudia nodded,
"I am. You're young. The two of you still have this idea that you can change the world-"
"I don't want to change the world." Emily interrupted, "I want to change HIS world." She set her chin, "I'm not afraid of a little hard work. If you knew anything about us, you'd know we aren't your typical couple. We are committed to working through these issues."
Claudia stared at Emily. I felt like I should've been contributing to this discussion but with the tension in the room I didn't quite know where to step in. And the stare down currently going on between them was a little scary.
I held my hand up,
"Claudia...we can give him the life you only dream of for these kids. We are aware of the problems he might face. We will do whatever is necessary to give him a loving and stable home."
Claudia stared between us. She finally drew in a long breath as she opened a file sitting on her desk. Honestly, I had no idea how she'd found it considering the mountains of papers already covering the wooden piece of furniture but she did.
She handed Emily a piece of paper,
"These are the steps. You have two more days here with him. Go home, fill out the application. I will be honest, you are facing an uphill battle on many fronts."
Emily eagerly took the paper from her,
"Like?"
"He's young. Far younger than any other child who's ever been adopted from Ghana. You are also asking for a specific child. That isn't usually how it works. They match you with a child and that's the one you get. And..." She stopped, letting her sentence trail off.
Emily looked up from the application,
"And?"
Claudia blinked a few times and then sighed,
"You're not married." Emily's eyes narrowed while I froze in my chair. I hadn't even thought about that. Claudia shrugged, "Just being honest." She gestured out to the playground, "Go, spend as much time with him as you can. And when you go home...get the best damn International Adoption lawyer money can buy. You're gonna need it."
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I followed Emily into our hotel room. It was close to midnight. We'd spent the entire day at the orphanage with Kesse. It was a heartbreaking to leave him there knowing full well we'd be back tomorrow, I couldn't imagine what it was going to be like when we had to leave him there to go home.
Despite the time, Emily was wide awake. She grabbed the hotel pen, sat down at the table and started filling out the application. I sat down to take my shoes off,
"Why are you doing that now?"
Emily continued to scribble,
"Better late than never. I want to get this in the moment we get back." She looked up at me, "Can you call Jeff and get us an adoption lawyer?"
I nodded,
"I texted him. He's working on it."
She looked back down at the paper,
"Stay on him. I know sometimes how he is when he's 'working on it'."
I laughed through my nose. Jeff was a great manager who always kept my family in the forefront of his mind but the one or two times he'd scheduled something that conflicted with a family obligation caused Emily to never let him forget it. I nodded,
"I will keep on him." I walked towards her, gently taking the pen out of her hand and pulling her up out of the chair.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
I wound my arms around her waist, pulling her into my body,
"We can worry about all this later." I dropped my mouth to hers, "You were so amazing today." I whispered. She relaxed into me, her forehead pushing against mine as her fingers wound around the back of my neck.
"I love him. And I love you." She pulled back to look me in the eye, "And I don't want you ever doubting that."
"I'm sorry." I said, swaying with her gently to the music filtering through our window from the nearby cafe.
She shook her head,
"Can't imagine what you're apologizing for."
I sighed as the thousands of things I needed to apologize for ran through my brain,
"For pressuring you. For bringing you here without realizing all the different things that could've happened. For not having the faith in you that you've had in me." I looked down, "I feel like I've failed you in so many ways."
"Well if you've failed me than I've failed you." She answered. When my eyes met hers she shook her head, "I should have had faith in you too. To believe that you weren't just doing this as some whim without thinking things through. To think that you would have risked our family..." She let her sentence trail off, "Or me."
"I will never risk you." I said without hesitation, "Or them."
She smiled,
"I know, Baby."
She let out a deep sigh as her smile faded,
"So...how do we tell them?"
"I have a feeling our daughter already knows."
"What makes you say that?"
"Just a look she gave me when we left. She's so perceptive and smart. It's scary sometimes how much she knows."
Emily laughed and nodded in agreement,
"I know. It seems like she says something once a week that has me wondering if she's nine or 90."
I was so proud of my family. We had been through hell and back and through hard work and perseverance we'd come out so much stronger. I wanted Kesse to benefit from the kind of foundation that Noah and Lucy were benefitting from. Because no matter what they went through in their lives, they had a family they could count on to be there.
Emily's hand drifted down the side of my face,
"At the risk of sounding like a needy girlfriend...what are you thinking?"
I took her hands into mine and pulled them up to my mouth,
"I'm thinking that we need to bring them here." I answered after kissing her knuckles, "I'm thinking that they need to see where Kesse came from. So they can understand that not everyone has the privileges they do."
"I agree with you, I do. But Noah is-"
"Noah is too young. I know. He won't understand any of this. But Lucy...I think she would get it. I really think she would understand what we were showing her. I don't think it would damage her."
Emily shook her head,
"No, I don't think it would damage her either. I think she would appreciate it actually."
"Alright then...it's settled. We'll bring Lucy here."
Emily smiled, shaking her head still but for a different reason now,
"I love how determined you are to make them a part of this."
"They deserve the chance to be as connected to him as we are."
She wound her arms around my neck, nodding her head as she pulled me towards her,
"I agree." She said, her voice low. She pressed her mouth to mine, "But I'm thinking we figure all this out later..."
I smiled,
"It seems like you have other activities in mind."
She nodded, pressing her mouth to mine again,
"Oh I do..." She reached down to squeeze my cock, "And it starts with your face between my legs."
--------------------------
This time when we got to the orphanage Kesse made a beeline for Emily the moment he saw her. He even yelled out her name on his way over, causing my heart to burst inside my chest. Emily set him down and listened to him babble in half his language, half the tiny amount of English he'd picked up. When I finally made it to them he looked up at me and smiled. I picked him up,
"Hi."
He reached forward to hand me something. I looked down to see a tiny clay circle with his hand print pressed into it,
"Me." He said softly.
Jesus I loved this kid. We spent the rest of the day with him. We were allowed the run of the kitchen in order to cook him breakfast. We spent the morning sitting down with his English teacher helping to teach him some words so we could communicate better. We put him down for his nap. We spent the two hours while he was sleeping discussing his adoption with Claudia and learning some of his native language with one of his teachers. We were there when he woke up from his nap, a little fussy from having had a nightmare. We went to lunch with him and his class. Claudia allowed us to take him from the orphanage into the city where we bought him some new clothes and shoes and took him for some dinner. It took Emily an hour to finally feel comfortable enough to leave him after he'd fallen asleep for the night. She spent the first half hour of our drive home fighting a set of tears that ached to come out of her while I held her against me.
We had one more day with him. Everything seemed to be moving so quickly. Both of us wanted more time with him while we both missed Noah and Lucy so much it felt like it was tearing us in two.
Emily's control over her emotions was non-existent when we had to leave Kesse there the next day. She was almost inconsolable on the drive home though she'd kept it together while in the presence of the orphanage staff. I, too, felt like I was leaving a part of me there with him. However, I knew this feeling well. It's what my days felt like whenever I had to be apart from my family.
Emily had calmed by the time we made it back to the hotel. She busied herself with getting packed while I got us checked in for our flight and printed out our boarding passes. When I returned from the front desk, she was seated on the bed, staring down at the clay hand print Kesse had given us.
I set our tickets down on the dresser and sat next to her. She sniffed,
"He's so defenseless."
I slid my arm around her waist, pressing my lips into the top of her head,
"We'll get him. We'll bring him home."
She nodded, leaning her head against my chest,
"I don't wanna leave him, but I feel this intense weight from missing Lucy and Noah and I just wanna get home to them." She looked up at me, "I feel like that makes me a terrible mother."
I sputtered out a laugh, not because it was funny but just because of the ridiculous notion that Emily was a terrible mother. I put my hands to her face,
"Baby, you are not a terrible mother." I kissed her forehead and then pulled away again, "This is what I go through every time I have to leave you guys when I go on tour. Do I stay? I have to go. I don't wanna leave them, but the life we have depends on me leaving. It's the cruelest tug of war ever."
She sighed,
"I'm so sorry I never understood what this was like for you."
"You don't have to apologize. I wish you didn't have to know what this felt like."
"I'm so scared that someone's gonna tell us no. I'm so terrified of never being able to hold him again."
"Hey." I put my hands to either side of her face, "I know there are no guarantees. I know we have a mountain to climb...but we are going to do everything in our power to bring him home. Yeah?" She nodded in agreement, sniffing back the tears threatening to slip down her cheeks. I kissed her softly, "When we get told no, we try something else. Simple as that."
She cuddled into me, shaking a bit before she finally calmed down. We held each other that night in lieu of sleeping. Neither of us wanted to leave the next morning, but we reluctantly boarded the plane. Exhaustion and heightened emotions finally took their toll, enveloping us both in sleep before the plane was even off the ground.
--------------------------
Lucy hopped into my arms the moment I walked into the front door of Rebecca's house. She kissed my cheek and leaned over to whisper in my ear that her grandmother was currently trying to teach her proper dinner etiquette with a complete silverware setting. When my child would ever need this information was a mystery to me, but Rebecca was always trying to make sure she had a well rounded education I guessed.
My mother had dropped them off at Rebecca's house to give her equal time after Rebecca had complained to Emily about us always leaving them over at my mother's. Lucy's annoyed tone of voice told me exactly how she felt about that. I kissed her cheek,
"I missed you, Diz."
Lucy studied my face. I knew she could see the disappointment in my eyes which meant she would ask about it later. But she simply kissed the tip of my nose and gave me a big hug. Her arms around my shoulders trying to squeeze out all the pain made my heart swell.
Em and I put them to bed together that night, taking a moment to talk with them and learn about what they'd done while we were gone.
We retired to our bedroom, both of us crawling into bed after we got into our pajamas. We were both still exhausted not to mention weighed down by the heaviness of our emotions. The unknown had never been comfortable for Emily. I tried to ease her anxieties but to be honest, I was also anxious. This meant a lot to both of us.
She cuddled into my chest, slinging her arm over my waist. She pecked a kiss to my swallow,
"He was really responding to me when we left. I don't want to lose that."
I squeezed her into me,
"We won't. We'll go back as many times as we need to. I don't have any work commitments except for that fashion thing."
I fixed my eyes on the ceiling. My instinct was to tell her everything would be alright. Because that's what I always did. And to be honest, everything so far had turned out for us. But I wasn't sure about this one. It scared the hell out of me.
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Lucy looked up from her waffles. She said something but I couldn't tell what it was through the muffled mouthful of strawberries. I swiped at her with the towel in my hands,
"Don't talk with your mouth full."
She swallowed, giggling the whole way through. She took a long sip of water and then swallowed again,
"Daddy, when do I get to go to Africa."
"When you can learn some manners." I shot back without missing a beat. She looked confused. I sighed and shook my head as I walked over to her. I sat down in the seat next to hers, "You wanna go, Diz?"
She nodded, her eyes widening with excitement that I'd only seen on her face when we told her she was going to spend her ninth birthday at Euro Disney,
"I wanna go, Daddy. It looks like fun."
I didn't want to kill her view just yet. Africa was fun and different. And I knew for Lucy the fun was all the things she was going to learn there. But I also needed to instill in her the seriousness of the situation we were facing. I reached forward to push some of her hair behind her ear,
"Mum and I have some stuff to work out before we bring you over there ok?"
She took another bite of her waffles but finished chewing and swallowed before she spoke again,
"No takebacks."
I laughed. God this kid was a trip,
"What?"
She leaned forward, the most stern look she could muster on her nine year old face,
"No takebacks. You said I could go so I get to go."
I reached out to put my hand on top of her head,
"Lucy Anne Styles..."
Em walked in just then, balancing my son on her hip,
"Full name...what could she have possibly done to get that treatment?"
Lucy smiled,
"Daddy said I get to go to Africa."
Em cast her eyes in my direction quickly and then looked back and Lucy. She nodded,
"Once daddy and I figure out a few things. Sure."
She clapped excitedly,
"Yayyyyyy..."
I took Noah from Em so she could spoon up some waffles for herself. He leaned forward and laid his head on my shoulder. I lived for moments like these. Just family time where no one had to rush off to be anywhere and my kids could spend some quality time with their father who was gone much more than he'd like to be.
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Emily reached over to take my hand as we met at the back of my truck. Jeff had found an adoption lawyer for us. He was supposed to be the best adoption lawyer in the country and judging by the ritzy office building we'd just parked in front of, he was pretty successful.
Emily pulled at her dress nervously,
"We're late."
"We're not late." She felt so tense, even through her hand I could feel her shaking. I stopped, turning her to look at me, "Hey..." I lifted my hands to her face, "Relax."
She closed her eyes,
"I'm trying."
"He's not going to tell us no."
She opened her eyes to look at me,
"He might."
"He's going to get top dollar to bring Kesse home to us."
"He could tell us it's hopeless."
I pushed my forehead against hers. I knew her pessimism well,
"Em," I whispered, "Please don't do this to yourself."
Her shoulders slumped as she sighed,
"I'm sorry." She apologized, "I don't know what's wrong with me."
I pulled back to look at her,
"Nothing is wrong with you." I leaned over to press a kiss to her mouth, "I love you."
She was smiling now. The kind of wistful smile that was a rarity on her face. She reached up to drag her hand down the side of my face,
"I love you, too."
I took her hand again, leading her towards the building. I laughed when she started to fidget with her dress again,
"Would you stop?"