Chris became really overprotective and slightly overbearing in the early stages of my pregnancy. I was a stressed out mess so having him like that was sometimes exactly what I needed and sometimes the worst possible thing for me. If he was in 'dad mode' it was fine. It helped when I was stressing out and he just sat and held me or made me tea and reassured me that this time would be different and if it wasn't different we could get through this. We were strong.
It didn't help when he did that thing where he worried about me going running or if he thought I was overexerting myself. It drove me crazy when he freaked out because I was carrying something heavy or if I ran down the stairs. I tried to be patient with him. I understood. It's something I felt myself. I worried constantly. But his worry just fed mine. I broke down in tears more than once before we'd even had our first doctor's appointment.
We had the first appointment really early on. A few weeks after that positive test. They took about eight vials of blood among other things. I also had an internal ultrasound just to double check how far along I was. That tiny flutter of life in the vague blob shape that was our fetus was such a relief that Chris and I both started crying. It was confirmed that I was five weeks along. We were booked in to return for the eight week check up. That was when Chris was due to be doing his Age of Ultron press tour. It was a big one and then he had to go off to film Captain America: Civil War. We were both really anxious about it, given what happened with the first pregnancy and him having to leave town. I was putting things into place where it meant that I could do most of my work from out of town. Luckily I was the boss. I had Gaby and Jullien working for me. As much as I loved going into the forest and collecting data I actually didn't need to be that person. That is exactly why academics have postdocs under them. As long as I was putting together the data and writing papers, then I was doing my job.
Chris kept his promise for a while. As much as he wanted to tell everyone that we were expecting again he kept it to himself.
For a while.
As much as I could I followed along with him on his press tour. It was a little hard with trying to be as efficient as I could with work and the fact that my morning sickness was getting to be ridiculous. I was throwing up so much. I don't know how I was even getting any nutrients. The ginger pills helped a little, thank god.
My nausea never abated fully though, not at all throughout the day and Chris was so stressed by it even though the doctor assured him that morning sickness was actually a good sign.
I did go to the Jimmy Kimmel interview. It was in LA and just before the premier. So we headed back to LA with time for me to recover while he did other press. The plane trip was physically exhausting for me. I'm glad we planned it well.
Chris actually brought quite a few of us along. All the girls in his family. So I also had to pretend I wasn't sick when I really, really was. So that was fun.
Chris' mum and sisters were so excited to be there. Shanna nearly exploded with glee when she got to meet Jimmy. I think everyone though my anxiety was playing up because I was so quiet. Mostly I was just willing myself to stop throwing up. It was really nice to be around them though. Chris family and the Avenger's cast. They were all such great, funny people. I could tell Chris was just bursting to tell everyone the news.
I sat in the green room with Lisa, Carly, Shanna and the family that had been dragged along by the rest of the Avenger's cast. The interview was hilarious. Everyone was really relaxed and on the ball. Then it happened.
Jimmy was asking about the cast partying and fingers were pointed at Renner, along with much laughing.
"And who goes out with him? Does everybody go? Or do you guys... are there people that are more inclined to go out than others?" Jimmy asked.
"Well you never know." Chris piped in, his arms flailing about. "You know, you gotta try and test the waters. Sometime people have responsibilities. Everyone has kids and you know...?"
Robert turned around and looked at Chris. "Everyone except?"
Chris pointed at himself with both his thumbs "Except this guy." Everyone roared with laughter and Chris sat back. "Well in seven months though."
Two things happened simultaneously.
On stage, Chris' hands flew to his mouth as he realized what he just said. The others took a moment for the meaning behind the words he just said to drop into place.
Scarlett seemed to work it out first, she turned to Chris and mouthed 'what?' The others all jumped up and started hugging him and clapping him on the back.
"Did I just get an exclusive pregnancy announcement?" Jimmy asked.
Chris groaned, but the smile wouldn't come off his face. "Is there a way you can edit this so that my mom backstage won't see it until I tell her in person?"
"Have you really not told anyone until right now?" Jimmy laughed.
Chris shook his head. All the men on stage roared with laughter again and Scarlett scolded him.
Backstage there was dead silence. My mouth dropped open. Everyone's heads just turned to look at me. "Emily?" Lisa said.
I covered my face and nodded. I had all these mixed feelings swirling through me. I was excited they knew. After I nodded a squeal erupted. It was intoxicating. But at the same time the little voice in me screamed 'you are going to miscarry and this time not only will you have to tell your family, you're going to have to tell the whole world'.
Lisa sensed my panic as she often seemed to. Having Chris with his anxiety had made her really attuned to that kind of thing. She put her arm around me and didn't say anything as everyone else congratulated me.
It made it worse. Nausea took hold and I jumped to my feet and rushed to the bathroom, emptying my stomach into the toilet.
When I came out of the stall Lisa was waiting for me. "Why haven't you told us?" She asked, trying very hard to mask the hurt in her voice.
"I'm scared something's going to happen, and I can't deal with the excitement when I feel sure it's just going to end with grief again." I explained, as I splashed water on my face.
When I turned to her she hugged me tightly against her. "Don't deny yourself the excitement, honey. You deserve it."
I squeezed my eyes closed. "Can we do this later. I can't cry now." I pleaded.
"Of course, Emily. Whatever you need." She soothed.
I splashed my face again and quickly refreshed my makeup. I stood staring at the bathroom door and took a deep breath. Lisa rubbed my back. "It will be fine. People are happy for you. If the worst happens again, we'll all be there for you."
I nodded and opened the door.
Chris was charging down the hallway looking frantic. He saw me and held his hands up as he rushed towards me. "Don't be mad. Don't be mad." He pleaded.
"Chris, you fuckin' idiot!" I yelped.
"I know! I know!" He wrapped his arms around me. "Please don't be angry. It was an accident."
I squeezed him around the middle. "It's fine. Not ideal. Fuck, Chris... if something goes wrong you're going to have to make a statement."
"I know. I know. Let's try not to think about that though, babe. The only statement we're making is one saying their name and birth weight." He said, softly. "I gotta get back out there for the next segment. Please say you're not mad."
"I'm not mad. It's fine." I mumbled, pressing my face into his chest.
He let out a sigh of relief. "Good. I love you."
"Love you too." I said leaning up and kissing him.
He crouched down in front of me and kissed my stomach. "I love you too." He whispered.
I went back into the green room and was greeted with congratulations. I smiled and thanked everyone, answering all their questions about when I was due. How I was feeling. What I hoped we were having.
After the show recorded we all got dressed and had our makeup done for the red carpet. Everyone was really excited about both the premier and Chris and my news. His friends knew how badly he wanted to have kids. He was also a big ol' bag of nerves. This premier was the biggest one yet. The movie had so much buzz, and with the fact he'd just dropped the pregnancy news bomb on the show, he started freaking out.
People kept plying him with alcohol in celebration of his news. By the time he had changed out of his really gorgeous navy suit he had worn on Kimmel to the pinstripe one he was wearing on the carpet he was quite drunk.
Lisa, Carly, Shanna and I followed Chris along the red carpet, standing back for his interviews. Occasionally one of all of us would be dragged into the interview. The news had not yet spread that I was pregnant, which I was thankful for. We made it through the photo call and into the theatre.
Age of Ultron was not... great. I didn't hate it, but oh god... What they did to some of the characters. There were some really lovely heartbreaking moments though. Especially with poor Steve. Steve would be getting some extra loving the next time Chris decided to bring him to the bedroom.
We headed to the after party with his family and Chris really let go. He was really enjoying being around his friends and his family. Being around everyone really helped me to just destress. Lisa had promised not to question us while other people were around, so I relaxed and enjoyed myself. I was feeling tired but quite happy by the time all the Evans' climbed into the back of the car to go home.
In the back of the car was when the questions happened. Chris was so drunk and excitable. I felt a little on my own trying to defend my decision about keeping it secret.
"Why didn't you tell us? How long have you known?" Lisa asked almost as soon as the car pulled out of the parking lot.
"Emily wanted to know it was all good first. That's all. We would have told you." Chris slurred.
"Way to throw me under the bus, Chris." I snapped.
Chris took my jaw in his hand and kissed my cheek. "It's okay, Emily. I know you were scared."
"Chris." I yelped, pushing him off me.
"Please don't be mad at me." He said, sitting back and sulking. I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest defensively.
"Emily, last time you kept it secret you still lost the baby and you ended up just being alone and stressed." Lisa scolded. "At least if you told us we could have been someone to talk to."
"I don't like talking about it. Talking about it makes me cry." I said. I was actually pretty close to crying right now if they didn't drop it.
"Emily..." Lisa said.
"Ma, drop it." Chris interrupted. He spoke loudly, still in that drunk zone where you can't modulate your voice. "We planned it this time. We're doing all the right things. If she needed to keep it a secret not stress out, it's her body she can do what she wants."
"But..."
"No buts, ma. I broke her trust today blurting that out. I feel terrible. I didn't not tell you to hurt you. It's what she needed." Chris shouted.
Lisa frowned. "I'm sorry." She said.
"I'm sorry if it hurt you. We would have said eventually." I explained. "I just wanted to feel sure. I don't want people to be excited. I just want to get to a point I feel safe."
We sat in silence for a while, Chris playing with my hair. Eventually the talk changed back to the movie, and before long we were home.
It was late and everyone headed straight to bed. I went and had a shower first. I smelt like cigarette smoke and it was making me queasy. Chris stepped in behind me and started rubbing my back.
"I am so sorry." He said, nuzzling into my neck. "I didn't mean to do that. It just slipped out."
I turned to face him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "It's okay. Not ideal but I'll be fine."
He kissed me and his hands stroked over my belly before moving around to my butt. "I really love you."
"I love you too." I leaned my face against his chest and he stroked my back. "I'm really scared, Chris. If something happens, the whole world is going to know now. How do I live with that?"
"I'm sorry. Emily, please believe me." He said.
"I know. I know. I'm not mad. I'm just scared." I started crying, and he held me against him.
"Babe, I know. I know. I know I can't fix this. I can't protect you from what people say about us. I hate this is what my life means because I have a job I love." He leaned down and kissed my throat. "I love you though, and as long as you want me there I'll be by your side."
I moved his face to mine and kissed him. It was deep and tender and just a little sloppy drunk. His tongue licked over my lips and probed into my mouth, and all I could taste was beer and cigarettes.
My hands slid down from his neck, over his chest and down his abs until I was cupping his dick in the palm of my hand.
"Well, hello there." He chirped, happily.
"Hello." I grinned.
He came at me hungrily. Cupping my cheeks and pushing me against the shower wall. I stroked his cock quickly running my palm up and down his length. As soon as he was hard he spun me around. I leaned forwards putting my palms on the wall. The shower sprayed down my back, creating a relaxing heat in my body. His hands slipped between my legs and his fingers teased between my folds.
I moaned as they brushed over my clit. I ached for him already and there was a sudden flood of heat to my cunt.
Chris hummed and pulled his fingers away. "So wet for me, Emily." He growled.
"Please, Chris. I need you inside me." I whined wiggling my arse so it ground against his cock.
He lined himself up and pushed in. I leaned back and held onto the back of his neck as he thrust into me. His fingers found my clit and rolled over it as he gripped my breast with his other hand.
I came apart around him almost immediately. An orgasm shuddered through me.
"Fucking you when you're pregnant is unreal, Em." Chris growled.
"Don't stop." I groaned.
Chris chuckled and picked up speed. "I wouldn't dream of it."
Each time he thrust up into me I was lifted off my feet a little. My whole body was ready to combust. Water ran down over both of us. Our bodies slid against each other.
"Chris, tell me I'm yours." I cried.
"You are mine. All mine, Emily." He moaned.
"You're mine, Chris. I love you."
He kissed my throat and brought his lips to my ears. "I know." He whispered.
I came again with a shudder, my legs shaking. Chris' body tensed and he came with me. I could feel each pulse of his cock as he emptied inside of me.
He slipped out of me and turned me in his arms, hugging me and nuzzling at me neck. "I love you, beautiful. We got this okay?"
I nodded and kissed his cheek.