Alex
The week flies by in a slow tempo. With nothing else to do but stay at home, I feel slightly better. It probably has to do with the fact that I don't have to travel and experience the London life. It's refreshing to be able to do what I love the most for the entirety of the day. No one telling me I shouldn't, Harry trying his best to show support and come up with jobs I could apply to, but he must know that for now I am content with sleeping and watching movies all day because he doesn't push the subject. Or maybe he just feels guilty that I lost my job partly because of him.
Jano had just started to warm up to me, seeing how hard I work even with a broken wrist, but I don't feel the need to try and mend it. It's okay and the job wasn't making me happy anyway. Staying at home does not fulfil me either, but it is better than the constant pressure of anxiety that I felt travelling to work and being there. It made me miserable, I realize now I'm no longer there, but I do feel a bit lost without any direction. I know I'm on the verge of something bigger and I just hope that for once it is something good instead of bad. I need some luck in my life, something that will make me feel happy at least at work so that I can survive the moments I share with Harry who is still miserable as well.
We sit together at a table in the old pub my father used to go to. While Harry worked all day, I spent the day inside chilling on the couch. You'd think that doing absolutely nothing would give me energy but instead I'm dead tired and Harry is as well. His work isn't giving him the satisfaction that it used to do and I wonder why, but I don't ask. He won't answer me anyway. Just like he probably won't ask why I had a panic attack. Because he knows I won't answer. Which is only because our mother's are of limit. Something he decided the moment reality struck him that his mother is going to die.
"You don't mind being here?" Harry asks referring to the pub.
"No, I have been here since and it is nice. Familiar."
"Okay, then it is okay," he says and his eyes scan the crowd. I don't have to look his way to know who he sees when his shoulders stiffen and his eyes quickly go back to me. It's probably Susie and I had expected her here.
It is already getting busier, everyone gathering for Nina's birthday. She asked me if I knew a nice pub with a laidback feeling to it and since this is the only place I know, it was quite an easy tip to give her. Considering Harry and her used to swim in the same circle of friends, I had expected Susie to be here. At Harry's birthday I even managed to speak to her although it was short and only bearable because I already had a couple sips of alcohol. The thrill of drinking in secret making me feel on top of the world. She thanked me for inviting her and I succeeded in playing it cool as if I had expected her to be there which I hadn't, but she bought it though, I think. Right now there is no alcohol in my system, but I hope tonight is just as successful although I don't feel the need to talk to Susie.
"Did Thomas text you again?" Harry asks out of the blue and I frown as I turn my attention back to him.
"No, why?" Thomas hasn't texted me for a while now. In his last text he asked me for the second time if something was wrong. Maybe he thought that no answer is an answer as well and found a way to let me go.
"I was just wondering," he says, pausing for a moment and taking a sip from his beer. "After you read Susie's messages I thought you would reach out to him."
"You think highly of me," I say. "Why do you think that? Because you would do the same? Is that why you are still in touch with her because you think I am with Thomas?"
"Of course not. I just wonder why you ignore him while you said so yourself that he's important to you."
"Is Susie important to you?"
"Don't turn this around," he says. "Anyway, I was just wondering. No need to get upset by it."
"I'm not upset. If you want to truth- I'm not texting him because I think there is no way that we can be just friends. I think he might have feelings for me and that he travelled back to Palas to see me. A friend wouldn't do that if you haven't seen each other in months. Just like I think someone who is hurt for being left behind to get back together with their ex isn't simply sticking around to be friends, but in hopes it will happen again and this time the return will be to her."
"I'm just trying to be nice to her, that's all. I'm not giving her any idea's."
"Yeah, I send heart-emoji's to Liam all the time, too."
"Let's just not get into this right now," Harry says, now being the one to get angry. "If all you can be is sarcastic. Obviously she's been through a lot."
"So, I should be nice to her because you hurt her and her sister is sick? Is that in some way giving yourself a free pass from all shitty behaviour because your mother is sick too?"
"Oh stop," he spits, standing up. His mother is still off limits and something that I shouldn't bring up, but I'm done with that.
"I will if you will."
"You sound like a child," he tells me.
"Walk of to your best friend then. Go on, I'll be here sulking like the baby I am."
He looks to me for a split second making a decision before he sits down again. "We're at Nina's party, okay?"
"I know," I tell him. "I'm not the one making a scene this time."
He keeps quiet and I do the same, watching each other with an intense glare before we return our gaze to our drinks. Mine a flat water while he is drinking my favorite foamy drink. My father favorite as well and for a brief moment, he is here with me, as real as ever. Instead of the vision I had of my mother a couple of days ago, I'm calm now. He smiles and lifts his own beer like he did here so many times. Sometimes to encourage me to pursue a guy I liked and sometimes to wish me luck in a game of darts. Right now he does it to help me feel whole and to keep me content. Help me remember how happy I was last Sunday when Harry and I pretended nothing was wrong in our lives and we both realized that as long as we're together, we're happy. I should be happy with him here. It is what my father wanted and his ghost still wants me to try.
"I had my fair share of epic scenes here though," I start off. "My father wouldn't recognize me today if he saw me- so calm and collected."
"We never made a scene here though. That was just to add to your collection," Harry says, catching on to my way of making up for starting an argument.
I smile briefly before I gulp down my water wishing it was something much stronger. "Let's just enjoy the party okay?"
He nods and downs his beer. "Want something to drink?"
I shake my head and he shrugs his shoulders, suiting himself as he gets up to order another one at the bar. I can't help myself and watch him. He's dressed in all black, simple clothes which I love the most on him. His appearance turns people's head though, partly due to his tattoo's, but most of them are people who probably like what they see. He has charisma I can only dream of and people already like him before he ever even opens his mouth. For me it is the other way around. Probably why I don't have a job and he is fully booked for months on end. Well and because of his talent of course.
Just as I'm about to stand up from the table and mingle in the growing crowd, Logan and Sophie sit down at our table. They probably expect Harry to come back as they leave his chair vacant but I know better. He's not coming back because we'd probably start another argument and it is better if we ignore each other for now.
"Hey," I greet them.
They look like an odd pair to me. Sophie is the definition of class and looks perfectly styled in a tight dress that she pulls off like no other. Her makeup is flawless and her hair is probably blow dried by a high street hairdresser. I recently cut my own hair from a tutorial on Youtube and although it turned out alright, I can't help but touch my hair briefly.
"You look great," I say to Sophie and she smiles, returning the compliment that I take for the sake of it, but I know better.
Logan is rather quiet and studies us as we talk with each other. He's wearing some old t-shirt that could have belonged to my dad and his hair is not taken care of in any way. He radiates tiredness.
"How are you, Logan?" I ask directing myself to him. "Is the new job okay or do you miss the bar?"
He looks to my arm that is no longer in a cast. "It's okay. How are you?"
"Okay. The arm healed pretty nicely."
Sophie looks a bit split between us and then leans in. "Logan is still very sorry for what happened. How are your panic attacks?"
"They're better, thank you. You shouldn't worry about it," I lie to Logan. "Seriously, it is okay."
He shrugs and looks to Sophie for a brief second who seems to encourage him to speak. Something else strikes me about Logan now that I watch him closer. He's not the Logan I met. Cheerful, funny and a hint of weirdness around him. Somewhere along the line he lost his confidence and he is much too quiet for his own good.
"Everything okay?" I ask hoping that this time I'll get a truthful answer.
"Not really," Sophie answers for him. "Logan had a relapse."
"You mean your depression?" I ask him, feeling weird to talk about Logan as if he's not here but he doesn't seem to listen to us as he leans back and watches the room.
"Logan is manic. He has his ups and downs. You met him in one of his better periods. Right now he's getting back to where he was, but it is hard."
Is this what I look like, I wonder? Logan said himself that I reminded him of himself when he told me about his depression. Is this what Harry meant when he said that I sometimes barely remind him of the Alex I was? That I sometimes don't even look like myself?
"Do I- do I look like him?" I ask, falling over my words as I feel panic rise.
"Why are you asking that?" She frowns, clearly not understanding why I'm turning the conversation to myself.
"He said that I reminded him of himself."
"Trust me, you aren't like him. Although you maybe struggle with something, you would have known by now if you were manic. That's something entirely different."
"Yeah," I breathe, "you are right."
"And you said so yourself that you are doing better, right?"
I nod because I am doing better. Although I have no work and lost both my jobs because of my returning anxiety, for the last days it has been calm. I should hold on to that.
"Great. You'll be fine. As will Logan. He has treatment and me," she says looking over to him briefly.
He returns her smile, looking like the Logan I remember. Logan once told me that Sophie is the only one that can put up with him and I now understand what he meant with that. He didn't mean his weird behaviour, but his severe mood swings and I wish I had that support from Harry. He still believes nothing is wrong with me so we simply don't speak of it. It helped us to grow a bit closer together for the past days, but has it helped me from within?
Unsure of myself, I get up and tell Sophie and Logan my goodbye's wondering for a brief second what she sees in him now that he's a shell of himself. From Nina I know that she has a well paying job at some law firm while Logan is a struggling counselor. Still she seems to love him without a shadow of a doubt. I don't even know them well and I can see it from across the room.
Harry is at the bar and he touches my back briefly as he comes to stand next to me to order another beer. I can tell that he has had a few already, but is still in the fun part of getting drunk. We don't speak tough and for the rest of the evening me and Harry avoid one another, only looking to each other briefly to sense each other's mood and if it is time to go home. Somehow I make it through the night without a scratch, not one drink and no little hiccup. I smile and sometimes even laugh at other people's lame jokes and manage to have a good time in my father's old pub.
That's why I feel brave enough to talk to Susie again as she stands with the birthday girl Nina. Feeling like it might even be a turning point in my process of returning home- accepting Harry's history. Maybe it will help us to not fight every time we mention anyone of our exes, although I don't have high hopes for that to happen. But it already is process that I don't want to throw a drink at her. Well not yet anyway.
"You have a nice group of friends," I tell Nina and she looks up to me with a smile. Her eyeliner of course perfect. "Happy with the place?"
"Yes! It's such a nice pub. I'll have to come here more often. So you were here a lot as a child?"
"Yeah, sort of was a second home. My father and uncle came here almost every day. We used to live not far from here. Well, you know now you have met Liam's mother and where she lives."
"So surreal that you used to live so close to each other and then met in Palas," Nina says and I nod. "I'm glad though, because that's why I met him too."
"How long did you live in Palas?" Susie asks and I have to fake my smile as I turn my attention to her. It's proving to be harder than I thought and I haven't even opened my mouth to her yet.
"Around five years."
"And always with Liam?"
"Yep," I answer. Not with Harry, you bitch.
"I must go there one day. Maybe go on holiday with my sister. Harry says I will like it."
"How is your sister?" Nina asks and I'm curious to hear and ignore the little ping of jealousy as she casually mentions Harry.
"She will be better, but of course it is rough. I'm so sorry for you though," Nina says to me and I frown for a second before realizing that she's talking about Harry's mother. "Harry's really shaken up about it."
"Yeah, he is. We both are," I tell her, but I can't help that uneasy feeling rising again. I know he is shaken up about it, but he isn't showing it to me. He ignores her sickbed and every other problem in the world, but maybe not with her.
"Of course you must be too. Have you met her already?"
She must ask this because it was the first question I threw at her. If she'd met his parents. Her answer left me shaken up and it was the reason Pascal threw me out of his shop and forbid me to come back ever again.
"I did, multiple times."
"Must have been tense with the both of you knowing of her probably returned disease and she not speaking of it," she says and I feel the first crack and it shows in not being able to smile. She can't possible see the difference as she doesn't know me well enough, but Harry from across the room could if he would pay attention.
"Well, she spoke of it now."
"Finally he asked yes, I have been pressing him to ask for forever now. You probably too."
"Of course," I tell her, my hearing getting worse and white noise closing in on me.
She must have known of his doubts way before I did. I only found out about it a couple of days before he decided to invite her over. He did that without me knowing too, but Susie probably knew. I realize all too well that it is fucked up that he was able to talk to her about it, but not to me. But with Nina next to me whose party I don't want to ruin, I try to keep myself together. Harry can deal with my not so calm self later.
"I'll be back," Nina says and I look to her with pleading eyes that she doesn't seem to notice as she walks away to other guests. Not wanting to be alone with Susie I look around me feeling lost when I don't see anyone familiar close by.
"I'm glad that we're able to talk now," Susie says, not picking up on my uneasiness or simply ignoring it.
"Sure."
"And that I'm able to stay friends with Harry after the way he left me. Well, twice. Can you imagine?"
"I can't," I tell her, but she thinks I'm being funny, but I'm telling the truth. I know he left her before he went back to Palas to get me out of his system as he promised her. I don't know when he left her again.
Her laugh sets me off in a rage. She must think that I know everything of Harry. That because we found our way back to each other, we share all that is important. I wish that was the truth.
"I should have known it was foolish to even try again after he returned from Palas. He was clearly still hung up on you. He even needed your picture on his wall to fall asleep, so it was inevitable when you came to visit here that it would happen again," she speaks and through her story, my heart didn't stop beating, but the heartbeats became louder, now drowning out all other noise. I wonder what vibe I'm giving off to her to speak in this way to me about this matter. I want her to stop with my entire body, but whatever I do, she sees it as encouragement to continue.
"I'm just happy we're able to talk from time to time as he's such a nice friend. But since I haven't really spoken to you since that thing in Pascal's shop, I wanted to let you know it is just that. Friendship. I'm actually seeing a guy. It's still a bit fresh, but he's really nice-
She keeps talking about her new date that she hopes will be her future husband, but I don't hear any of it. By now her voice is also drawn out and I touch her arm for a second and mumble that I'm off. Because I know this bar so well I'm able to find the toilets in the state that I'm in.
The bathroom here brings back so many memories that I can't help but stare around for a second as I wash my hands and splash cold water in my face. I cried here after breaking up with many of my boyfriends. I laughed here with Sage feeling giddy after only two pints and attention from certain boys. I met James here who helped me after I was desperate to get my drunk father home. I played darts here just to do something on a Sunday afternoon, rather than being home alone. I danced with my Uncle here to Bruce Springsteen, his favourite artist. But when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the girl staring back at me.
There's the physical differences that I already pointed out to Liam. My hair, fluctuating weight and in this bad lighting I also notice many spots and dark circles around my eyes. It doesn't make me look healthy in any way.
But there's more to it. Logan's words still haunt me and with a sinking feeling I realize that I am like him, maybe even worse than him. There's the similarities between our love life. Only minutes ago I wondered why a woman like Sophie stays with a boy like Logan and it hits me that you could say the same about Harry and I.
He's a man who is booked fully for months on end. Who works on Sundays just to not disappoint too many people. He's doing well and is still sticking with a girl who can't deal with life. He even returned back to Palas for me- that girl. I can't help but wonder if he's happy about that. If he wasn't better off with girls who have a stable life, just like him.
Who his mother wouldn't have to give money to find happiness. Who have a job in fashion or at an insurance company. Who dress like and take care of themselves like Sophie.
Who doesn't start to hit the tiles in a bathroom in a pub in the middle of a great party until her knuckles bleed. Who doesn't cry, snot leaving her nose pushed away by bloody hands. Who doesn't start to scratch every piece of skin she can find just to forget about all the other pain she's feeling. Who isn't missing her father so much that she can't breathe properly every time something goes wrong, because he isn't there to sooth the pain. Who doesn't wish she could speak to her mother one last time and force answers out of her. Who doesn't have to hit her head against the wall as she slides down to the bathroom floor, just so maybe she'll pass out and stop feeling everything so deeply.
Someone who isn't me. Someone like Susie who he apparently returned back to after our second goodbye in Palas. And it suddenly makes sense why it took him a full week to give me an answer after I told him that he was the one for me. Because he had to break things off with her first and leave her for the second time. Another thing he never shared with me, but he did with her and it hurts me so much to know that I manage to knock myself out. The world finally as black as I feel.