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'I lose myself when I think of you'.- Aayan Aslam.
Chapter Eighteen
Captivated Again.
(Maahirah Furqaan)
24th January.
As we continue our journey in the car with Aayan still on the wheel, I feel myself going numb with each passing second. For me, finding the truth isn't hard to accept but seeing and believing is something I always face difficulty with.
I pull my legs under me, and wrap my arms on my chest and put my head against the window. I try to make myself as small as I can to make me invisible.
Fadiya who is next to me has fallen asleep on Destiny's shoulder. Destiny has her eyes closed with earphones tugged in her ears.
Aaron, Jarred and Ian are probably dozing off too. There back faces me. Fakhir is busy on his phone in the passenger seat.
In this silence, I hear my heartbeat the loudest and my screams echo in my mind which fail to escape my throat. I want to cry but my tear glands have just gone dry.
In my mind, I see over and over my house exploding into pieces and each piece contains my childhood which I feel floating away into the air and I reach out to grasp each and every memory. I find myself as two year old, with a red crayon in my hand scribbling the walls of the lounge with my patterns. I see Mum rushing to me, picking me up in her arms and instead of scolding me, she is in awe at my drawing. Later, Mum and Dad push the couch to that wall, to cover my mess.
I think back to the time, when I decorated the house with banners when my stepmom came home after Vaneeza's birth. And, the time when she took her first step and how I ran around the entire house singing this that Neez is walking, walking, walking. I remember when we had our fights, and late nights hangouts in my room, movie nights, and the family dinners and events.
I hear laughter, giggles, cries, hugs, and smiles. I feel warmth and cold. I watch the memories fleeing away from that burnt, chipped house, finding a new family to bestow those happiness.
Tears glide from my eyes onto my cold cheeks, I quickly wipe them away not before catching Aayan looking at me from the rear mirror and I see my pain reflect in his eyes which frustrates me so I Iook away.
"Where should we stop Fakhir for the night?" Aayan asks.
"Hmm, not sure. How about deep into the woods?" He gazes up from his phone.
"Woods?" He throws a shocked glance at him.
"Yes, Aayan. We can't go on the car. We've to hide it somewhere. Stock it away. It can be the evidence if someone is chasing us. When they will find it, abandoned it will throw them off track and enough time for us."
Aayan sighs. "How about three kilometers from here?"
Fakhir analyzes for few minutes and then nods. Then, he turns around and calls out, "Fadiya. Wake up!"
To my utter surprise, Fadiya stirs awake quickly. "Yeah?"
"We're on the stop."
*************
Aayan rolls the window down, and casts a sideway look at the road and then slowly, he drives his car into the woods. The front wheel hits the pit, and we slump forward.
As he reverses, he mutters, "Sorry,"
He makes 120° turn and propels the car under the shades of trees with heavy, lanky branches whose leaves cover the entire windshield. He kills the ignition.
We hear nothing except our ragged breaths and the noise of nocturnal animals. Fakhir is the first one to push his door which hits the bark with a bang. Aayan curses like he is hurt.
Fakhir rounds the car and opens the trunk. He pats the back of the car and hisses, "Get down ya all."
Only then, they start to. I'm the last one to get down. Fakhir is handing camping bags and edible items to others. I stand by the door, staring at the road that is seen through the canopy of leaves. I see a car speed away, and I jerk back, hitting my elbow in that process.
"Maahirah?" Fadiya blocks my vision.
"I'm fine." I quickly say.
Fakhir closes the trunk with a bang. "We have to go deep into the woods. Lots of hiking to do, my fellows." He looks at me. "Are you up for it?" When I nod, he holds a backpack for me. I grab that and sling it on my shoulders.
Aayan digs into his backpack and pulls out a silver coat. Jarred takes on one end and together they both cover the car with it. When done, Fakhir pulls out a compass from his pocket and set it on his palm.
"According to the needle, we are on the east side, Elton is at north. North-west to be exact. So, we go straight into the forest."
He doesn't wait for anyone instead he grabs onto Fadiya's hand begins to walk because he knows everyone will be on his trail. Aaron and Ian follow them. Destiny looks at me and nods.
I sigh.
***************
It takes a lot of energy for me to keep myself pushing forward and that is saying a lot because we have just hiked for about twenty minutes.
The sky is patterned with twinkling stars that dazzle us with their promises and the toe nail shaped moon smiles at us, and my mind flashes back to the time I'll sit by my window and talk to the moon and fall in love with the sky.
No matter how bad or good day I had, the moon always made me feel better and brought new hopes of tomorrow being much better. Yet, here today moon and I are under the same sky and so much has changed, lost into nothingness.
I feel a hand on my back. A shiver runs down my spine when he whispers in my ears, "I'm sorry."
I don't say anything. Instead, I propel forward with hurried steps. He rushes to meet mine.
"Maahirah,"
"Aayan please, I'm in no mood for your sympathies." I say through gritted teeth.
"But will you listen to me?" He whispers-yells.
"No."
He doesn't say anything then. Instead he walks like a quiet shadow beside me.
The forestbed starts to get messy. Various twigs crunch under shoes, the ferns make it difficult for us to go fast and the trees get thicker.
I look at the tall perennial trees, and wonder in awe at the creation of the Creator. I smile on spotting a nest way up on a branch.
"Whose nest you think that is?" Aaron asks me.
I shrug. "Probably an eagle who is gone on a hunt to feed her eaglets. They will be waiting for her with their beaks open."
Aaron laughs. "Yeah right. A mother's work never ends." He chuckles.
"Yo Fakhir," Ian calls out from behind. Fakhir who is quite ahead of us stops and turns around to look at us.
"Can we rest dude? We are all like hell tired anyway." He pants as he catches up to us. Followed behind with Destiny and Jarred.
"He is right, man." Jarred nods.
Fakhir and Fadiya walk up to us. "It's just eight thirty."
Aayan who is standing across from me with his hands folded speaks up. "I think we all deserve a break, Fakhir. We can set up a tent here and start the journey again after three hours. I'll take the watch while you all rest."
He throws his backpack down and pulls out a tent. Quietly alone he begins to set it up. Jarred, Ian, Aaron and Fakhir pursue too.
I lean against the tree, watching Aayan work. His eyebrows are flushed together and there is a deep frown on his face. I resist the urge to go and help him.
"Maahirah." Fadiya comes to me minutes later when her tent is set up.
"How are you holding up?"
I give her a sad smile. "How do you expect someone to hold up when she is separated from her parents and isn't allowed to contact them. Plus, on top of that, she has to watch her house blow up into tiny pieces where she had her childhood. Yeah, I'm doing fantastic."
She stares at the tree behind me. "Yeah, that is helluva things to deal with. And, that is why you should rest. You and Aayan have to share a tent. But, you'll be alone after an hour's because he will be on the lookout."
"Yeah. Who is taking the first watch?"
"Aayan." She nudges behind her. "Can you check up on him? So that I can go and rest."
Nodding I walk to the tent.
When I pick up the flap of the tent and enter, Aayan is setting a lantern in the centre. He casts a look at me and before I can even open my mouth, he utters, "I've set your sleeping bag. Sit down on it. I need to check your wound."
I only obey because I've lost the energy. I unpin my scarf and remove my jacket. Aayan removes the bandage. I hiss when my eyes fall on my scar. The blood aggregates around the scar and forms a curst.
"It's healed, isn't it?" I say.
"Yeah. Alhamdolillah." He rubs the tincture on it. "No need to cover it, I suppose."
I nod. My hair falls on my eyes and he with his fingers he tucks it behind my ear.
"Sleep. Okay? For a while."
I incline towards the idea as I see him slip out of the tent, hush as a shadow.
************
Something nuzzles against my cheek. I swat it away. Then, it buzzes around my ears. Groaning, I sit up straight. Annoyed by the fact that the insects won't let me sleep, I abandon any thoughts of resting.
With great exertion, I drag myself out of the tent. Stretching the sleeves of my hoodie upto my fingertips, I walk towards Aayan. He is sitting on the log staring at the sky.
His eyes are moist and you can see that they are displaying his wavering emotions almost as if he is flickering through his life in his mind. My hand reaches out to comfort him but then I recoil it back, thinking that I have pushed him away enough.
Lightly, I perch myself next to him. He breaks out of his trance. A scowl replaces the pensiveness which reminds me of a switch. He switches from being sad to being guarded so soon.
He clears his throat and speaks with a hoarse voice, "Hey, you woke up?"
I can detect that he is very lost right now. I place my head on his shoulder. He straightens up, going rigid.
The silence between us load that you can hear our heartbeats united as one despite of the raging cricket and hooting oils. Our noise is the loudest.
"Maahirah?" He says softly after a minute. "What do I mean to you?"
For a second, my breathe stops but then I sigh. "I'm still trying to figure that out."
He scoffs. "And in that process you keep hurting me."
"What do you mean?" I lift my head to look at him. He has his gaze locked at the tree across us.
"You keep pushing me away whenever you want. You keep pulling me in whenever you want. You keep insulting me whenever you want. I can be the VIP in your life one second and then next I'm the most hated person. You think this is a game?" He rants on. "I'm sick of this Maahirah. I'm a person. I feel. It hurts me when you don't take in account my feelings. It's like a stab directly to my heart.'
"...Aayan." My eyes stay widened and my jaws dropped open.
He finally snaps his gaze at me. "I love you, Maahirah but that doesn't mean you have to treat me like a crap each and every time." He lets go of me and puts his forehead on mine. "I lose myself when I think of you."
"Aayan, I never meant to make you feel like this....I don't know, like, what comes over me. No matter how hard I try. I cannot just...." I sniff. "Cannot just stop thinking that I'm killing people, risking their lives by letting them stay near me. And, I don't know but..." Tears roll down my cheeks. "I'm so done with all this. I want it to end. I want to end mys..." Aayan pulls me to him. I fist his shirt and hug him. "Please, Aayan do something. I'm tired."
He runs his hands over my back, calming me. "All will be okay Maahirah. I got your back, do remember that always."
He keeps on whispering promises of better future in my ears, and minutes when my breakdown seizes, we both are staring at the sky, not knowing we both are thinking the same thing.
***********
An hour later, when Destiny, Jarred and Ian come to take the watch, Aayan and I make our way back to our tent.
Inside, he says. "You should really sleep Maahirah. Your day has been exhausted as hell today."
I yawn and just as I'm about to reply, we hear a manly cry. My voice dies in my throat as my panicked eyes meet Aayan's. He grabs my hand and hauls me outside.
I scream when I see Jarred clutching his leg and howling in pain. Destiny stands in front of him with a revolver pointed at two men who have their faces cover with a mask.
Aayan pushes me behind him and holds out his gun too.
"We'll not hesitate to shoot all of you if you don't put that weapons away." Says one of the men. "We have you surrounded." As soon as he shouts this we hear shuffling of boots and men emerge out of their hidings from the trees into the open field.
Fakhir, Fadiya, and Ian come out of their tents, each of them shocked.
They point their rifles at us, asking us to accept our defeat.
Aayan let's out a growl. For him being weak is a foolish thing. Fakhir notices his brother's motive and nudges him with his eyes to do as they say.
Aayan tosses his gun to the ground, it clatters loudly in this silent night. He raises his hand.
Each one of us throw their weapons away. When that leader sees I haven't given up anything yet, he points at me and says to one of his men. "Check her."
At this my eyes go wide, and I back away instinctively as he steps closer to me. Before I can think, he grabs my arm and pushes me to my knees. I bite my lip when the twigs cut my skin.
I hear knuckles hitting the flesh followed by Aayan's harsh voice. "Don't touch her. She isn't carrying any ammunition." He hoists me up.
That Guy grunts and gives Aayan a hard budge and shoves me out of the way. Another man reaches out before I can make another move or think something, he pushes me against him. With his other hand, he pulls my neck back and presses a scythe to my throat.
My breath hitches in. Aayan stops struggling against the guy who is holding him who takes advantage of Aayan's deactivation, pins his arms on his back and twists them tightly.
Fakhir steps up. "Please don't hurt anyone and tell us what you want."
In the silence of the forest, we don't hear anything except ragged breaths and muffled animals cries.
The leader then barks out. " We want you all to come with us quietly or else we will harm this one." He gestures at me. The man holding me, applies pressure to my throat, making me whimper.
"We'll do as you say. Just don't..."Aayan's voice drops down.
"Fine, then. Seize them all. Wrap some gauze on that one." He motions at Jarred.
The one holding me roughly thrusts me away. I take gulps of fresh air. Before I can go up to Aayan, he envelops his large hand around my arm and hauls me away.
I see from my peripheral vision that each of us is being dragged away and keep my fingers crossed wondering where our path is heading now.
********
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