Alex
Traveling to Liam is something I thought I wasn't scared off. I mean why would I? It's not as if the panic attack happened there and I have traveled back to talk to Logan. But something final was in that process maybe. Returning feels a bit weird.
After Harry and I spent some time together Sunday and yesterday I truly felt as if things were going to change for the better. That Harry telling me he's worried and wants me to open up is enough to make it all work. But I think I was fooling myself. Believing the part I was playing with the best features of Old- and New-Alex. There's no such thing, I remind myself. There's just me and on my own it's not enough.
With shaking hands, a heartbeat that goes too fast and the inhalation of an excited puppy, I arrive in front of his flat. I'm not sure if I'm actually scared to come here because of what happened and am afraid it happens again or that I don't function without Harry that I have to put up a good face for.
As I wasn't feeling well in the bus here, I texted Liam to wait for me outside. The good friend he is, he's waiting at the bus stop.
"Hey," I greet him hoping to pull off that I'm feeling fine instead of on the verge of dying. "Thanks for waiting. I thought we could maybe walk for a moment?"
"I'm not dressed for that," he says and I see he's wearing pyjama pants.
"Lazy motherfucker," I mumble. "Let's get you back in bed."
"I wish," he says.
"You were the one who wanted me here so early," I tell him and he rolls his eyes.
"I have coffee and croissants. I got them in this pants because I love you. Now let's get inside. I'm freezing my balls off."
"Never knew you had those," I mumble as I cross the street after him.
"Heard that."
With a small grin I walk after Liam, feeling slightly better than I did on the bus and tube. It's as if all the strangers you meet while traveling see right through you. If I lock eyes with someone I expect them to jump up and scream at me for faking my way through life. Never really knowing who I am or what I want. It's as if everyone and everything is closing in on me and all I can do is close my eyes and exercise my breathing. I know that Liam already knows that so I don't need to pretend around him.
The heating is on full and it actually feels like steam when I step inside Liam's apartment. He only lives there with Nina now and I wonder if they're planning on getting new roommates. The doors to both her brother's room and Logan's room are open and they're much larger than their own bedroom.
Our conversation goes from his work, to my work, back to Harry and Nina as we eat his breakfast. It's easy to talk to Liam although he's honest and doesn't hold back, he also never judges me. Doesn't mean I tell him everything, but I always feel as if Liam knows anyway.
"So you and Harry are getting a child?" Liam asks and I shake my head, feeling the corners of my lips curl up.
"No, not anytime soon," I tell him and I know he's referring to the dog Harry wanted to get.
"Are you happy with it?"
"I guess it would be nice to have a dog at home, but his reasoning is wrong. As if a dog will help me."
"Just don't be horrible about it to him, it was a nice gesture. You should be thankful."
"I wasn't horrible, what makes you think that?" I frown and pick at the croissant in front of me. "And you always tell me how I should be thankful for him. Makes me wonder what you tell him about me."
"If we talk I always tell him how lucky he is that you stuck around through all his bullshit and that he shouldn't even dare thinking about leaving you through all yours."
"What does he say then?" I ask suddenly very interested. I thought they rarely talked anymore.
"Just that I should shut up talking about you guys leaving one another. I don't think he'll ever see that as a possibility again."
I smile at that. It feels like he's really trying and so am I in my own way. Liam and I talk some more, but I can tell he wants a moment for himself before he starts work so I get up to leave.
"Have a good shift," I say and he waves me out of the front door.
Feeling instantly cold I decide to walk a bit further to another bus stop in hopes that I won't feel so trapped. Being outside helps, but once I step foot inside the bus the feeling of being watched and faking my way through life overtakes me again. Luckily I have travelled this trail loads of times so I can almost do it blindly.
Tired and glad to be home, I walk to our bed and take off my suffocating clothes. Completely naked I slide under the sheets where I fall asleep. Happy to not feel anything.
****
"Where is the stuff you were going to buy?" Harry asks as he enters the room, just finished from work.
I'm on the couch after waking up just in time before Harry would be back. It isn't until he reminds me that I realize I promised to pick up some essentials for dinner on my way back from Liam. I was too busy coming home without having a major freak-out that I didn't even think about stopping by the store. For a moment I want to lie to him and say it was closed or that I was feeling ill, but when I look to him and remember Liam's words, I don't want to lie to him.
"I forgot," I say standing up to face him. "I'm sorry, I was so.. distracted on my way back."
"What happened then?"
"Nothing really, I just wanted to come here as quickly as possible. It never crossed my mind."
"You do want this right? I cancelled another appointment so that we could cook together."
"I do, I told you that," I say.
Yesterday when we went out to eat sushi it was clear that Harry doesn't even like sushi that much and he had to brag that he could make it himself and that it would be a lot better. He promised to make it together tonight and I had looked forward to it, but it completely slipped my mind on my way back from Liam.
"Well, I don't know when you are telling the truth and when you're not," he tells me and he walks into the kitchen where he must see that it's still the exact same mess. "I see you did nothing productive."
"Geez, thanks," I mumble. He's clearly referring to the fact that I didn't buy groceries and didn't clean.
"What? It is the truth. I thought we talked about this, Alex."
"About what, Harry?" I ask back, pronouncing his name in the same, awful way he does mine.
"About how you need to talk to me more!"
"Talk or do more in the household? I am kind of confused about what you want me to do."
He curses under his breath and for some twisted reason it satisfies me to fight him this way. How does he expect me to talk and explain what I'm feeling when he acts like this? On top of that, I don't really know how I feel or what is going on right now. We're doing fine for at least twenty-four hours. I guess our time is up again.
"Christ, you know what I mean."
"I actually don't. You think that telling me that you're worried is enough. As if then BAM I'm well again. That's not how things work. And honestly, I don't even know what is wrong with me. Maybe I just changed because I was perfectly happy before I came here."
"So you aren't now? Is that what you mean? That I don't make you happy?"
"You don't when you moan that I don't cook and clean whilst I do all of the cooking and cleaning and you do none of it. I work, I pay my part of the rent, I don't know what else to do."
"I don't either," he says and he looks down. A silence lingers between us as we briefly look to each other and then look away again. "Why doesn't it come easy for us?"
"I wish I knew," I tell him, mirroring his softer sound. "Just don't make me sound worse than I actually am. I had trouble traveling back and that's why I forgot. And you yelling at me every chance you get isn't helping me."
"I'm not yelling at you!" He yells it and if I wasn't so upset I would actually laugh at it.
"No, this is very helpful, Harry. Next time don't act as if you want to help me and want me to talk, because I was trying to explain to you just now what happened, but you had to make it an argument. Thank you for that."
His phone lights up and while it does that all day long with messages from cliënts, both our eyes look to it as a token that will help us. It does in some weird way because it shows me Susie's name. When he takes the phone in his hand, I turn on my heels and walk back to the couch where I flop down. I hear Harry typing away and my curiosity gets the best of me. Wondering what he discusses with her.
Harry is supposedly done with his phone and walks past me towards the bedroom. There I hear him slam the bathroom door. He's clearly still angry, so am I, but I do hear Liam's words echoing in my head. How Harry doesn't believe in a world where we're apart, but still we're repeating the same thing that happened to us all those years ago. I am too, I am closing off on him like I did before so for the second time I hope to reason with him.
I go back to the bedroom where I sit down on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to end his shower and apologize once again. His phone lies next to me and keeps beeping. I see that he has multiple messages of several senders and I can't help but wonder if Susie is among them. I can only resist my curiosity for so long and I take his phone in my hand. He uses no code and his messages are suddenly only one click away. Feeling guilty already, I also can't stop myself and open it.
Susie is among others who I don't even know. Probably customers setting the date and time for their new tattoo. His administration is a mess and I know he's so busy that he has trouble keeping his agenda up to date. I now get why if his email is as busy as his imessages.
I don't even have to open Susie's chat to get angry as I can read part of her last message send to him.
Susie: can't wait to see you <3
Every word upsets me and especially the heart. Now I can't contain myself and I click on their chat. Scrolling through it, I realize that it is mostly a one sided conversation. Susie asking several times what's wrong and why he's not talking. It sounds familiar as I have the same messages in my inbox from Thomas. Then the conversation changes as she's happy with how their talk went at one of the parties. There's nothing in there indicating that more happened than a simple friendly conversation, but nothing of it sits right with me. I'm sure that my heart stops multiple times as I read several more messages. It's why I don't notice Harry turning of his shower and entering the bedroom to find me scooping through his phone.
"What are you doing?" He asks, his voice almost a growl and it surprises me, but I'm not baffled by it.
"Oh, just reading your messages with Susie," I react quick. "She can't wait to see you tonight. Hopes it is just as fun as the revenue party. You know, the one you said it was better if I didn't come. To me it seems you are too busy having fun and making her happy instead of really looking at me."
"For fuck's sake," he mumbles, grabbing his phone from my hands and walking away from me.
"Where are you going?" I yell after him as he walks out to the hallway.
He grabs his coat and keys, opening the front door so quickly that I can barely protest or stop him.
"I'm out," he says. "I'll buy the fucking stuff for sushi while you moan about fucking, Susie."
"I'm not the one fucking Susie!" I yell after him, but he's already gone.
Just yesterday he spoke about how he's worried and wants to help me. That I should open up because he barely sees the me I was and remembers. The me he loves. So I do try to open up and tell him what I feel and it still isn't enough for him.
He might have every reason to storm out after he saw me snooping through his messages, but no reason at all to send me hurtful stuff in return. I don't know what I did to him besides forgetting some things and well- invading his privacy - to deserve being treated like this.
Harry: in case you are wondering there's vodka and
wine in the cabinet in the hallway.
Knock yourself out. I know you can't help yourself
Alex: just come back
Instead of sitting down in the hallway, drinking while I wait for him to come back, I lie down on the couch. Right now I'd love to have a dog to cuddle up to and make me feel better, but the house is empty. I know I can't call Liam because he's at work and I don't feel like bothering Sage or anyone else. The only one I'd like to call right now is my dad. But he's gone, and when the clock hits twelve, I'm sure that Harry is gone as well.
I thought hysteria would hit me by now, visions of him and Susie laughing at every party he went to, Susie smiling to every text message he ever sent to her, but for the entire evening I haven't moved at all. I haven't eaten, I didn't drink. I only stared to the ceiling and hoped for Harry to come back and it is way past midnight when he finally returns.