Chapter 36
Quinn
I check myself into the hospital for end of life care when the pain becomes more than I can handle with the pills. Kenneth hasn't left my side. I thought leaving my apartment would be hard, but there was nothing left for me there. We had searched for the answer to my great mystery within its walls and came up empty. I am here for a purpose—one that I chose—but I have no idea how to fulfill it so I can finally step into that light with Kenneth.
The hours I'm awake are fewer now, and I can't get out of bed. We've made sure that all paperwork is in order. I've signed a DNR, and I've agreed to be an organ donor so that any organs that have not been damaged by this disease can possibly save another life. I don't have anyone that can make medical decisions for me so that will be up to my doctor. There's no longer anything weighing heavy on my heart, only curiosity for what it will feel like to leave this body behind.
Kenneth reads to me from my books during the times when I can keep my eyes open, and when I can't he holds me in my bed. The nurses here have caught me talking to him a few times, but just like I always did with my patients I believe they find comfort in believing I have someone coming for me or that the medications are causing confusion. Both are comforting when pain is the alternative.
Letty visits me from time to time. Today she has a purple envelop with the curvy printing I recognize as Kelsey's immediately. She sits in the chair by my bed and opens the letter.
Dear Miss Quinn,
I heard you are here in the hospital. I tried to talk Miss Letty into sneaking you in some red Jello. I told you no one was as cool as you are.
Letty and I laugh. "You spoiled those kids, Quinn."
I hope you heard that my cancer is in remission. I beat it. I know I have a while before I can say for sure that it's not coming back, but I'm telling you I know it in my heart.
"Thank god," I say. Kenneth squeezes my hand. I smile and expect the same from Letty, but when I look at her face I see nothing but sadness there. "What?" I ask. She just shakes her head and continues reading what a brave girl has written.
The doctors now tell me that there is something wrong with my heart. They are running test to figure out what it is. I'm starting to wonder if maybe they are worried they will miss too much when I leave so they're just making things up to keep me.
My mom told me I can't go to high school next year no matter what because of the health risks and my weak immune system, but if I'm better a year from now there's a chance I'll get to be a regular teen. Can you imagine me at prom? Wonder Woman out there on the dance floor dancing to every song for Thor and the Hulk because if I get to leave this place I'll never sit out another song in my life. I promise I'll dance for every kid that will never get the chance (do you hear that god?)
I bought something for you. It matches mine and I hope it reminds you of how strong you are and how much of your strength you shared with the little super heroes that we lucky enough to call you their nurse.
Until we meet again,
Kelsey
Letty tips the envelope open and a small pin falls onto her palm. She hands it to me. I smile when I see Wonder Woman's shield. She helps me pin it to my hospital robe.
"Tell her I'll wear it every day," I say.
"I will." Letty leaves the letter on my nightstand. She tries to hug me without hurting me and then she steps to the doorway, stopping to take one last look at me before she leaves.