Overthinking had always been one of my weaknesses, and as I got up on Sunday morning, my thoughts from the previous night still ran through my head.
Not even Brad - I had let that event take the back seat in my mind. Every thought I had was about Eric and what had happened. One part of me was screaming with excitement at the fact that I now knew he liked me. The other part was falling apart knowing that we wouldn't ever be together. My mind echoed with what he had told me. That we were wrong, and what we were doing was unprofessional. I knew he was right, as much as I hated to admit it to myself. And I knew that even after this mission we still couldn't be together. I would have senior year and college to think about, he would have to continue his dangerous spy work. But even though I had all these reasons to not to even think about being with him, his kiss had left me wanting him more than ever.
My door opened suddenly and I turned to see my mother standing there. Her eyes looked tired and I felt bad for waking her up so early. "We're leaving in five minutes," she said wearily.
I nodded as she shut the door. She was driving me to a gymnastics session this morning since I had left my bike at Seaville. But she was under the impression that I was just too tired to ride my bike today. I had taken a cab home last night after I left headquarters. Eric had taken me there after what had happened and I didn't stay too long. Convincing him that I was okay a thousand times had started to upset me. I didn't want him to look down on my with sympathy - like I was some weakling or something. And the awkwardness between us had become a bit too unsettling since neither of us were willing to bring up what had happened.
I walked down the staircase with a light grip on the railing. I could still feel Brad's hard grip on them. I shuddered at the memory and pushed it out of my head. My mom was waiting for me by the front door, holding a travel mug which I assumed was containing coffee and wearing a matching pink tracksuit.
"Remind me where the gym is, I can't think straight at the moment." she rubbed her eyes.
I let out a small laugh "Okay."
When we entered the car, I reached for my phone to text Debby to join me at the session. As I began typing the sudden realization hit me that she had quit a week ago. I let my phone slip out of my hands in disappointment. I felt an almost nauseous feeling hit me. Training wasn't going to be the same without her.
The drive didn't take too long but we did miss a turn and had to go back, I apologized to my Mom for forgetting to direct her that time. It was so hard to stop thinking about Eric. When we did finally arrive, I checked the time and saw that the session would be starting right now. I took off my seat belt and started to get out of the car.
"Hey, why don't I come in and say hi to Coach May? I haven't spoken to her in a while." My Mom suggested.
I immediately sat back down. A nervous feeling grew over me. If she spoke to my coach, the topic of me not attending many training sessions could come up. And as far as my mother knew, that's where I was spending all my time.
"Uh no, there's no need for that" I tried to say as casually as I could.
Mom waved me off "Oh nonsense, I'd love to catch up."
My heart raced as she took off her seat belt, "But you can't!" I said quickly. "Cause..."
She turned to face me, raising an eyebrow.
"Cause..." I swallowed. "You're um,"
"I'm what?" she asked suspiciously.
"You're not wearing any makeup..." I said hesitantly. "And you look uh, tired."
I watched her pull out a compact mirror that had been sitting in a small compartment of the car. She inspected herself carefully, moving her face and the mirror to get better looks. "Oh dear, I guess you're right," she said.
I sighed in relief but felt guilty for criticizing her appearance, it was something she took seriously. The truth was, she looked fine. But I had to say whatever I could to keep her from coming into the gym.
"I'll pick you up in an hour then." she said as she closed the compact and placed it on the ground.
I got back out of the car. "Okay," I answered shutting the door. I waited for her to drive off before making my way into the building.
It wasn't until I entered the building that the nerves finally hit me. I looked around and saw other people stretching and using some equipment. I quickened my pace as I walked to the end of the gym. I felt my face flush with relief when I saw Kevin in the corner of the room, sitting down and checking his phone. I ran to him desperately. He looked up at his phone as he saw me approaching.
"Thank God you're here," I said as I stood opposite from him.
"Debby's with her parents in the Hamptons this weekend and I needed to come with my Mom to here so she could drive me to my Math tutoring session afterward," he said simply, turning his attention back to his phone. "I didn't realize you were coming to training today, you must be feeling better. Are you going to be back at school tomorrow?"
I shook my head instantly but then realized he wasn't looking at me. "No," I said. "I'm still not well enough to attend school but I needed to attend a training session because of the rule."
He nodded in understanding, with his eyes still on his phone. I wondered who he as texting and had his full attention.
"Winters!" I heard a voice yell behind me.
I turned in shock to see Coach May walking toward me. "Where have you been? You've only attended one session in the last two weeks. And you know the rule-"
"That we need to attend at least three training sessions a week or we can get kicked off the team." I interrupted. I know. I'm sorry I've just been-"
"Sick, I know, Kevin told me, so you're excused this time. But no more okay?" she said firmly
I nodded in agreement, trying to look as confident as I could. I felt like Coach was being too hard on me. Being sick wasn't something I couldn't exactly help - well, at least sick to her knowledge.
"So, get going," she said gesturing around the gym.
I sighed in relief as she walked away from me to go and watch some over girls. I knew all the people on our school gym team well, but we were all in different grades and had different classes so I barely saw any of them at school meaning that I doubted they had noticed my absence. I glanced over at Kevin who was still staring intently at his phone, now typing away. I sighed and turned back towards the gym.
I didn't want to attract too much attention to myself so I kept away from all the equipment like the trampolines and balance beams. I instead headed towards an area with a lot of space, covered with mats.
I started by doing a handstand. It had turned out wonky. All I could feel was the pressure on my wrists that almost mimicked the same amount Brad had put on them last night, which had caused them to shake. I looked up, relieved to see that Coach May hadn't seen it.
I tried again, this time closing my eyes tightly ignoring the pressure this time. It ended better but still not as good as usual. At first, I felt anger grow inside me. Is this what happens when I miss a few practices? I immediately suck and forget how to do things properly?
I knew that wasn't true, though. It was because of the combat training I had been doing more. A part of me wanted to start fighting someone since that had been the only training I had been doing over the last fortnight. I had spent hours learning how to block an attack and defend myself when I fought Eric. I pushed his name out of my head as soon as I thought of him. I had to focus. I did a few more handstands. They were all the same, except on the last one, I had almost lost grip and fallen over.
"Do a backflip."
Coach Mays voice surprised me as I hadn't heard her approach. I knew that she must have seen my previous attempts. I took a few steps back from her and then did as she said. I managed to do a backflip but it came off the same way my handstands had: wonky.
"Again," she said.
I felt anger boil inside me at my last attempt. I turned and looked around me. A few of the gymnasts had now turned their heads to watch me and even Kevin had averted his eyes away from his phone.
I sighed and closed my eyes, taking more steps back. In a quick motion, I jumped but this time felt my back slam against the blue mat. I turned to my side, almost everyone was now watching. My back ached and I was dizzy but I pulled myself up as quick as I could to avoid attracting any more attention.
"Can I speak to you in my office?" Coach May asked me. Her facial expression remained neutral, not giving my any indication on what she was thinking.
I nodded and followed behind her quickly. I looked over at Kevin who had now put his phone on his lap and was watching us.
I entered her office behind her and shut the door. She sat behind her desk and I stood near the wall. Her office was filled with medals and trophies that she had earned when she was a gymnast herself before she became a coach.
"Are you okay?" she asked
I twirled a lock of my hair that had fallen out of my ponytail with my finger. "Yeah," I kept my eyes away from hers and instead stared at some award she had framed and hanging behind her.
She looked at me as if she didn't believe me. "You know that we have a competition in a few weeks?"
I stayed silent.
"and you need to be ready for that," she continued.
"I will be," I assured her.
"I doubt it at this point, what was that?" she raised her voice.
"I've only just got back, I'm going to get better," I argued. I felt my face redden. But not with embarrassment, with anger. I didn't appreciate when she yelled at me when I made mistakes. Whenever I didn't do well with combat training, Eric stayed calm. I pushed the thought of him out of my head again.
"You better, and I want you here for five training sessions instead of three a week."
I widened my eyes. "What? You can't make me-"
"You bet I can unless you want to be kicked off the team." she threatened.
It had been a threat I had heard from her countless times over the past few years. One that often scared me, but not this time. Something was different. I realized suddenly that the idea of me spending more time training at the gym sounded worse as it meant I would have less time working on my undercover case.
Something suddenly clicked in me. The last few weeks and all the training sessions I had gone to. All I could think of was how tired they had made me, and how they had prevented my fro doing over things such as studying and just relaxing.
I had lost my passion for gymnastics.
It had become more of a chore than something I really enjoyed. The pressure and stress it had given me made me sick.
"How about instead of you kicking me off the team, I just quit?" I asked.
I saw her face change dramatically. She hadn't been expecting that.
"You can't expect me to believe that you would just quit gymnastics Becca, you're one of the best."
"Well, apparently I'm not that good if you can just afford to threaten me with kicking me off the team all the time." I retorted, this time raising my voice as well. I felt energy rush through me, along with fear. I had never spoken to my coach like this ever before.
"Is this because of Debby? Did she quitting encourage something inside you? Is she trying to get you to quit as well?" she pressed.
I thought about it for a moment. Debby quitting had triggered something inside me. But it had been so small at the time that I hadn't noticed. It occurred to me that when she suggested that I quit gymnasts that my response had been that I couldn't- not that I didn't want to. I felt like I had been trapped into believing that there was no other option for me but gymnastics. But Debby quitting to join tennis had proven me otherwise. That I did have the option. And it was scary knowing I had that power. The power to make my own decisions. The power to change my life.
"No." I finally answered. "Debby didn't pressure me to quit, she told me it was my decision. But the more I think about it, the more I want to leave."
"Why?" she asked angrily.
"Because I can't think of any reason to stay," I replied as soon as I thought of it.
"You are the best gymnast in this state, you cannot quit." Coach May said firmly. I could see her forehead starting to crinkle.
I almost laughed. "It doesn't matter if I'm good at it, what matters is if I enjoy it and right now, I feel like I don't"
"You had a bad practice day, it happens. You'll do better time." she offered. I could hear the desperation starting to rise in her voice.
I shook my head, sadly. My mind was made up. "There isn't going to be the next time. I'm done." I started to move towards the door.
"Becca, wait! Come back here!" she called after me. I ignored and headed out the door. Everyone had resumed training but looked up at me as Coach yelled out my name again, even louder like she didn't care who heard. I continued walking to the door keeping my eyes away from everyone. I knew Kevin must have been watching me leave, confused.
I pushed open the gym doors as I heard Coach May yell out my name one last time. The doors closing blocked out her yells. I walked further until I stopped at a nearby park bench deciding to wait there until my Mom returned.
And then I let the tears fall.