It's been 32 weeks, a little over seven months, since that horrible day full of physical and emotional pain. It was one of the most devastating days of my life. To be told you were going to have a son, but not... it's torture.
Today would have been the day.
It took a while to get over the loss, but having Peeta by my side made it possible. We leaned on each other. Let each other cry. And then one day we were stronger. Day by day, the pain became less and less. We haven't forgotten about our son. I know I think about him everyday. What he'd look like. Whether he would cry a lot, or if he would be a happy infant. Would the labor have been hard, but he be worth it all in the end? Some days all I can do is think so much that I'll get an awful headache.
Peeta wanted to name him— we haven't agreed on anything yet— and we made him a grave next to Prim and my father.
It was four, almost five, months before we finally make love again. I was too terrified of getting pregnant again, to even think about more than just sitting and laying beside Peeta. It took weeks before I felt comfortable to do anything but hug him and hold his hand. I'd have a miniature panic attack every time he snuggled up just a little too close to me.
One morning, I was awake when he left for the bakery and I kissed him goodbye like it had always been a habit. In that first, quick, kiss— the first one we shared since that disastrous day— something overtook me and I just kept kissing him repeatedly. I guess I just missed his lips. I missed the way they tasted, how they felt pressed against mine. I missed being that close with him. For a while that's all we did... kiss. I could tell he was itching to have things progress to the next step, and although he had the time that morning, he respected my feelings and didn't make a move. He didn't want to pressure me in to doing something I wasn't quite ready for.
Months later, this hunger came over me while watching Peeta paint. I was supposed to be reading a book, but I couldn't stop watching the way his bicep would round out when he'd pull the paintbrush across the canvas. The way his back flexed with every stroke. I sat there, slack-jawed and drooling, as my eyes slowly traveled down to his butt. I was taking in every single ounce of Peeta when he caught me gawking at him. One thing lead to another and all I can remember is the heat. It comes in flashes. My first really vivid memory of our first sexual encounter after the loss was worrying about protection.
I didn't have Dr. Aurelius send me more birth control. After the way it had betrayed me, I didn't want to use it ever again. How was I supposed to take that pill knowing it could result in the same trauma I just experienced only a few months ago. Luckily, Peeta still had a few condoms left in his bedside table's drawer. When he reached in to grab one, we had this unspoken agreement that this would be how we would prevent any future pregnancies. It drove me mad seeing him rip the foil packet open with his teeth. Something about it was just so sensual and animalistic.
After having sex happened the one time, it just kept happening. I couldn't get enough. I turned into one of those hungry bears. You know, the ones that you see in cartoons that are starving and everything they look at transforms into a juicy piece of meet with steamy lines of deliciousness coming off of it? Peeta was always my piece of juicy meet and I was always hungry.
It was helping me heal, at least that is what I told myself to justify just how often we were being intimate. I wanted to believe that I could cover up my feelings with sex, but that just wasn't the case. I craved Peeta because I loved him. I wanted to be close with him because I thought it was the best way for me to show him my love. The way I fell under his touch, the way we held each other's naked bodies, it was truly magic. It was love. It felt perfect. However, nothing is perfect. At least not forever.
I knew Peeta was biting his tongue on the nights before our evenings filled with sex slowly came to an end. I knew he wanted another baby. The only thing stopping him from asking was Jade, the district doctor. She said I shouldn't try and get pregnant again until after her examination on what would have been my due date. I didn't have the heart to tell him that after what happened, we probably wouldn't be having another baby. No, not probably. Wouldn't. I was certain.
Soon, we stopped hooking up so much and returned to the way things had been. Our nights were still filled with heat, it was just sweat from a nightmare occupied sleep. We've experienced several sleepless nights, but none compared to the ones I lied awake trying to prevent the visions of losing child after child. I seemed to never be able to escape the blood. My first period after the loss was traumatizing. I thought it was all happening again which is what brought on the dreams.
Going to bed last night, Peeta tried to initiate something but I turned him down. Even though I knew it would help me sleep, I just couldn't knowing that when the morning came it would be the day I was hoping to avoid. I rolled over to pretend to fall asleep and he curled up right next to me. I began to feel his breathing slow and his muscles relax, but I couldn't find sleep. He eventually rolled away from me in the way that sleep makes you move. I haven't moved an inch since I laid down. Peeta on the other hand won't stop moving around. I'm slightly annoyed, but it's not like I'm trying to get any rest. Besides, he's probably having some bad dreams.
I look over at the slightly ajar window when I feel a cool breeze come through and feel the bed shift underneath me. The sun hasn't come up yet, so it must be the middle of the night.
"Are you up?" Peeta asks me in a whisper, just in case I was asleep.
"Yeah," I softly say, letting out a yawn. No matter how tired I am, I just cannot fall asleep. I won't let myself slip under. "Everything alright?"
"Can't sleep," he huffs, rolling over from his back to his side.
"Me too," I roll to my back and move my head to the side to look at Peeta. "Nightmares?"
"Strangely, no. You?"
"Nope."
Everything goes quiet.
"Can I ask you something?" Peeta asks.
"Sure," I say.
I roll over on to my side so Peeta and I are completely face to face, sliding my forearms underneath my pillow to give my head that little bit of extra support.
"I've been thinking a lot... about the baby," he says, hesitantly. I look at him with anticipation while he looks for any reason in my facial expression for him to drop the conversation. I nod to let him know it's okay to continue. I see his mouth start to move in the moonlight, but no words come out.
"I have been too," I say, hoping it will encourage him.
"You have?" he asks.
"Yeah. You would have been a dad today."
His chin trembles, "I can't stop thinking about that. I feel like I'm in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just want to go back to when things were normal."
"Me too, Peeta," I frown. "Me too."
"Can we?" he asks, tears flooding his eyes and inching closer to me.
I shake my head.
"Please," he begs, kissing me hard.
"Peeta, I don't think—"
I'm cut off with another kiss.
"Please," he pleads sorrowfully as he pulls away. "Please."
He kisses me and I can feel how much he needs this.
There had to have been nights he didn't want to have sex when I desperately needed to, I think to myself and I cave. I give in and I let him do whatever it is he needs to forget.
. . .
The looks and craning necks from the citizens of Twelve have dwindled, and seeing my home growing into something amazing is making it so much easier to be out and about. In the beginning, right after the rebellion was over, the built up ash was reason enough for me to trap myself indoors. But now I get to see the revitalization of my home, and hear the laughter of children as they comfortably play. Somehow it makes everything bearable.
Peeta and I are on our way home from my appointment with Jade. She said that I have minimal uterine scarring, which was to be expected because of the D&C, and my affected fallopian tube looks healthy. When I asked about the likelihood of something like this happening again, Peeta looked at me surprised. He was giving me this look that was curious to if I was asking because I wanted to have another baby soon. Jade said that there's a risk with all pregnancies. Just like with mine, she said there was about a two percent chance of that happening. Jade warned me that having one ectopic pregnancy could increase the risk of having another, but in her professional opinion I should have absolutely no problems conceiving and carrying another child because I was healthy and young.
Telling me I was 'healing beautifully' she gave us the go ahead to start trying again, if that's what we wished, she sent us on our way. Even though we got great news, the weight of the potential this day could have been looms over us. We somberly walk through the heart of town, Peeta's arm wrapped around my shoulders and mine wrapped around his waist. We're pulling one another close, and my head rests against his shoulder.
My gaze catches the back of a familiar tall figure that stands about 30 yards away, but there's something about this person that I don't recognize. His arms aren't relaxed by his side and he looks tired and all slumped over.
"Gale?" I holler, stepping away from Peeta's side.
"Katniss, let's go home," Peeta says.
He inches towards me and grabs on to my waist, trying to guide me in the opposite direction.
"Just hang on," I tell him as I pull myself out of his arms and continue walking towards the person I assume is my friend.
"Gale?" I call out again, this time just a bit louder.
The man's head turns around and looks for the person that called his name.
"Katniss?" I can barely hear Gale answer.
His whole body spins around and that's when I get a glimpse of something resting in his arms. I'm so shocked that I think my eyes are playing a trick on me.
"Is that you, Katniss?"
"Yeah," I say.
I see a weak smile flash across his face. As the distance between Gale and myself becomes less and less, I find myself starring at the bundle in Gale's arms. My heart sinks in to my stomach and I have to fight the stinging pain forming in the back of my eyes.
"It's good to see you," Gale says.
"Is that— Are you holding a baby?"
"Yeah," he beams, adjusting the blanket so I can see the baby's face.
I feel all the blood drain from my body and I stand stick straight.
Why today?
Peeta takes a step so his front side is right up against my rear. He holds on to me tightly, not daring to let go. He knows what I'm thinking and feeling and he can't even see my face.
"What are you doing here?" I ask Gale.
He laughs, "I'm surprised you're speaking to me considering how we left things the last time I saw you."
"You sure do have an act for never answering my questions."
"Easy, Katniss," Peeta soothes.
"I, uh, my wife and I are visiting family here in the district."
"You're wife?" I ask, stunned.
"Yeah, her name is Aspen. We met in Two at a café. She actually grew up here in District 12. She was two years behind us in school."
"And who's this?" I ask, bluntly, motioning to the child.
"This is our son Jameson," he beams. "We're calling him James for short."
I feel my bottom lip curl out and my nose begins to tickle like it does when you are about to cry. The pressure behind my eyes only increases until I clear my throat.
"I'm happy for you," I somehow manage to get out without crying. "Peeta, we better go so we aren't late."
"What?" he looks at me confused.
"Remember?" I raise my eyebrows. "We have dinner with Haymitch tonight."
"We do?"
"Peeta," I whisper, harshly through gritted teeth, only loud enough for him to hear.
"Oh," he says, finally catching on to what I was trying to do. "Right. We should get going."
"It was great seeing you, Katniss," Gale says.
"You too," I say, taking Peeta's hand and intertwining our fingers.
He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his side so we are like how we were before we ran into Gale. Once we're a few feet away I hear a faint newborn cry. I look back at Gale bouncing the baby in his arms and I can tell he is shushing the little boy. I turn back and pay attention to the road ahead.
"Why today?" I mutter under my breath.
"What was that?" Peeta asks me.
"It's not fair," I say, finally breaking down.
"I know," he says, kissing my temple, sounding defeated. "I know."
"You wanted to stop at the bakery but can you take me home first?"
"You know what? The bakery can wait. I just want to go home and cuddle with you on the couch while we watch a movie."
"That sounds... perfect."
The remainder of our journey passes by quickly. I love walking because you can completely zone out and not realize how you've made it from point A to point B. You can let your mind go completely blank, and before you know it you've reached you're destination.
When we walk under the Victor's Village arch, Peeta takes the keys out of his light winter coat. It's the beginning of March so some days are still cool enough to snow, and today is one those days. We walk down the pebble pathway in the center of the Village until we reach the concrete steps outside our house. It isn't until we get in front the main door that Peeta lets go of my hand. He sticks the key in the lock and twists it around until we hear a click. He pulls the key out and opens the door, letting me step inside first. He follows in behind me and shuts the door.
"I'll hang up our jackets if you get a fire going," I offer.
He shrugs off his coat and hands it to me, "Thank you."
"Mhmm," I hum.
I open the coat closet, pull out our hangers, and put away the jackets one at a time. I close up the small storage area and I look over at Peeta knelt down in front of the hearth, tossing pieces of wood in the lit fireplace. It amazes me just how fast he can get these things started. I lean sideways against the closet door and watch Peeta work his magic. He pulls out the pitchfork and starts stabbing at the firewood. Once he's satisfied, he puts the tool away and rubs his hands together before placing them a safe distance away from the fireplace to test the strength of the fire. Peeta carefully stands and stares at the fire for a moment. His head turns towards me and he grins sheepishly.
"What?" he blushes.
I laugh, "Just admiring you from afar."
"Get over here," he snickers.
I take off my shoes and go take a seat on the couch. Peeta grabs the projector's remote off it's safe keeping spot on the mantle as he makes way over to join me. He clicks the power button and the television boots up to a default channel. Normally I don't pay attention until we have what we've planned to watch turned on, but I hear an unforgettable laugh and I intently stare at the screen.
"On to a more serious note," the host says. "Could the star-crossed lovers from District 12 have become parents today?"
Out the corner of my eye, I see Peeta shuffle to change the channel quickly.
"Wait," I stop him. "I wanna hear this."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Well folks, that answer is yes," Caesar drags out before the camera switches angles. "Reports have it that Katniss Mellark suffered a miscarriage back in July. Had that not happened, she would potentially have given birth today."
"Change it," I order Peeta, and he does.
"You wanna talk about it?" he asks.
"Nope."
"Okay."
He switches to the location where we can choose from a large selection of movies. We choose a romantic comedy and he goes off to pop some popcorn which he learned to make after our trip to the cinema. I lay down on my side, curling up with a pillow behind my head as the opening credits begin to play. When Peeta returns, he snags a handful of the snack and wiggles in behind me on the back of the couch. I don't know how he can manage to see behind me but this position makes my heart happy so I don't bother asking him about it. One of his arms snakes around my waist and he pulls me back into his body.
He kisses the area behind my ear, "What did I miss?"
"Not much," I say. "Just a bunch of names and a yellow cab letting some woman out at this place called Tiffany's & Co. She started eating a pastry and drinking some coffee in front of a window, and then walked away and now here we are."
"The music sounded pretty."
"It did."
The movie continues to play for several minutes and when a dull moment comes, I feel myself falling into dreamland.
"Nathaniel," I tell Peeta, snuggling closer into him. "That's our son's name."
"Nathaniel," Peeta repeats.
"It means gift from God," I tell him.
"It's perfect."
"Really," I ask, looking back to see the reaction in his eyes.
He nods,"It's beautiful. Strong."
"Sounds pretty great with Mellark too, huh?"
"Nathaniel Mellark," he tests, and it puts a smile on my face. "It has a great meaning."
"He needs a middle name," I tell him, settling my head back against the pillow.
"What were you thinking?"
"I want you to pick it."
He thinks silently for a moment.
"You don't have to have one right now," I tell him. "It took me until now to choose Nathaniel. I had so many names—"
"Thyme" he interrupts me.
I roll over so we're face to face, literally our noses just about touch, and look at him with my eyebrows knitted together, "Isn't that a spice?"
"It's an evergreen herb," he quickly corrects.
"Nathaniel Thyme Mellark. I could definitely see myself yelling that when he's in trouble," I say, forgetting for a moment, and my eyes water over.
"Are you kidding?" Peeta laughs. "First of all, this child would have been so well behaved. And on the rare chance that he was a little terror, there's no way you could have disciplined him."
"Okay, softie," I laugh back at him. "What makes you think that?"
"Well, he would've been my son so he would have inherited his father's deviously handsome good looks and we both know you're a sucker for those," he winks. "I mean, come on, look at these eyes."
I burst out laughing. I laugh until my stomach hurts and I can't breathe. I settle down and place a hand against his chest, right where his heart beats.
"Thank you," I say.
He kisses the top of my head, "You would've been a wonderful mother."
I smile weakly, "Only because you would have been a fantastic father."
"One day," he sighs. "One day."
Have we healed? Some.
Do we miss him constantly? Of course.
We are doing pretty good, and it feels like we are finally moving on and getting back to who we used to be. Maybe his name was the last bit closure I needed.
***
AN:
waitwhatsasociallife things looking up yet? haha 😂
Thanks again to EVERLARK_4ever for another part of an amazing idea! I think having Gale come back in this moment, this way, was just what this segment needed! I hope I did you proud, and I hope you enjoyed it. 😉❤️
I love hearing what you guys have to say!! Ideas are always welcome.
The next part is... I'd say about halfway done. Hopefully I can get it up tomorrow, no promises though! Lol
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Comment if you're excited to see what happens next!! And share with your friends!! We're almost to 2k. Wow, never thought I'd get there.