The rest of November was just spent between work and prepping for my birthday. Tom was coming to visit again. I had lots of cool friends and family nearby. I was looking forward to having a party at my house. Then something happened that made any plans I had insignificant and redundant.
Three days before the party Chris and I were sleeping. He was draped over me and I was snapped out of a dream about traveling with the Doctor by my phone.
I scrabbled for it in the dark, half asleep and managed to answer it without even checking to see who was calling.
"Hello?" I said blearily.
"Emily? It's your Aunt Tracey." The voice said on the other end. "I know it's late but I thought you'd want to know straight away."
I sat up and my chest tightened. My Aunt and Uncle spoke exclusively through me via facebook. I literally don't think I'd ever even spoken to them on the phone in my life. I sat bolt upright.
"What's wrong?" I said.
Chris looked up at me blinking, his brow furrowed.
"It's your dad. He had a heart attack. He passed away about an hour ago." Tracey said.
It felt like time stopped. How could this have happened? He was only in his mid fifties. I was supposed to fix things with him. How could he have died hating me?
"Emily are you still there?" Tracey asked.
"Yeah. Sorry. I'm here." I answered. It came out monotone. Like I was a robot.
"I know things were tense between you. I understand if you don't want to be there. I just thought someone should tell you. The funeral is in Canberra on Wednesday of next week. I can send you the details if you want to come." She explained.
"Yes, please. I'll come. I should come." I answered.
"Are you okay, Emily?" She asked.
"I think so. I don't know. It's a shock. Are you okay?" I replied.
She laughed. It was hollow. "I feel the same way, honey. I'll let you go. Maybe I'll see you soon."
"Okay. I love you." I said.
"Love you too." She disconnected the call and I put my phone back on the bedside table.
"Who was that?" Chris asked, as I lay back down.
"Aunt Tracey." I answered.
He put his arm over me. "Is everything okay?"
"My dad died." I said.
"Oh fuck. Emily..." Chris hissed.
I pressed my face into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me tightly. I started to cry.
*****
I called off my party. My closest friends still came to see me. Gaby, Krysten, Tom, Chris' family. It was really low key and mostly I didn't socialise. I was just sad. I felt stupidly angry about how much grief I was feeling considering I'd already had to get used to the fact my dad wasn't going to be a part of my life. It just rekindled all my guilt and hatred of myself. The rejection I felt from my family. The fact I hadn't managed to start my own family. I was once again feeling certain that despite how I had this new family of people who appeared to love me, that they must not really. It was only a matter of time before they realised I was unlovable too and abandoned me.
The funeral was the day before Thanksgiving which meant we had to miss that. I told Chris to just stay but he refused. I should have felt relieved or thankful that he wanted to support me. All it did was make me worry that he'd be resentful that he missed the holiday with his family to be with me.
We flew to Australia on Sunday and arrived Tuesday morning, exhausted and jetlagged. We'd hired a car again and I drove to our hotel almost completely on autopilot. Canberra had changed a fair amount. Roads had been added and expanded to make room for the rapidly growing population. Even still, it was my home and I knew where I was going.
We slept despite knowing it wasn't a good idea. I was just completely bone achingly exhausted and I don't think I could have stayed awake if I wanted to.
We woke at six that night and headed out to get something to eat. Thankfully no one ever expects to see celebrities in Canberra so we went unharassed. We ate at a Chinese restaurant in the extremely lame equivalent of Chinatown.
We were sitting waiting for our food and just not talking. We'd hardly said anything to each other for the last couple of days that hadn't been necessary getting through the day talk. I was just not able to hold a conversation for some reason. Especially when it turned to my dad. I'd just break down.
I tapped my chopsticks on the table not really even looking at him. "Jackie Chan's parents own this restaurant." I said.
Chris looked up at me startled. "What?"
"You know, Jackie Chan?"
"Well not personally. But I know who he is." Chris replied.
I looked up at him. "Jackie Chan's parents own this restaurant. Or they did. His mum died a while back. I don't know if his dad is still around and if he owns it any more."
Chris burst out laughing. "That was the most random piece of information that was dumped on me out of nowhere, ever. How do you even know that?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. Small town. People talk."
Chris leaned over the table and took my hand. "Are you okay, Emily? I'm really worried about you."
I shook my head and blinked back tears. "Not really."
"You should talk about it, babe. You know I'm right here." Chris said, his thumb stroking over the back of my hand.
The waiter brought out our entrees. Spring rolls, chilli eggplant and steamed dumplings. I bit into a spring roll and used the time it took me to chew and swallow it to figure out how to say what I was feeling without it setting me off crying in the middle of the restaurant.
I swallowed and took a deep breath. "Along with the fact that he's my dad and even though he was completely shitty to me, he still raised me. And now he's gone. I feel like I failed because I didn't fix our relationship..."
Chris tilted his head to the side and adjusted his blue ball cap. "Oh babe. I understand. That wasn't your job though. He was the one that disowned you..."
"And I was the one that made him." I countered. He went to speak again and I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. It's not the point. I wanted it fixed. Now it never will be. He died hating me. He died hating his only daughter. I will never be able to fix it. Not ever."
Chris got out of his chair and came over and hugged me, holding me against his chest. "I'm sorry. I know there's nothing I can say that will make that better. We're here now though. Maybe you can fix it with your mom?"
"I just keep thinking that with this and the babies, I'm not supposed to have a family. It's not meant for me. That it's only a matter of time before you wake up and go 'what the fuck was I thinking?' and you leave me." I said. The tears came, but they were silent. I rubbed my face onto his shirt.
"I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart." He whispered.
"I didn't think my parents would ditch me either." I sighed. "Their job was to love me no matter what. Yet they opted out. You have no such expectation on you. I can't know for sure one day you won't just change your mind."
Chris moved his chair so it was beside me and he sat down resting his hand on my knee. "I love you, Em. Yes, shit can change, but there is no future I see myself in that you're not a part of. Your parents wanted a daughter who was supposed to be celibate and virtuous and become a doctor so they could brag about what a good job they did raising a respectable child. They could never just accept who you actually were. I do. I always have. I love every aspect about you. How emotional you are. The fact you pretty much live in converse. That most of your underwear has cartoons on them. Your crazy hair. How smart you are. How passionate you are. How kind you are. How you give me shit and you think it's funny when I give you shit. We chose to be each other's family. I'm not opting out anytime soon."
I leaned over and kissed him. He deepened it, pushing his hand in my hair. His beard hair scratched over my lips and tickled my nose and I pulled back scrunching my face up.
"What happened?" He asked.
I rubbed my nose. "Your stupid beard went up my nose."
Chris threw back his head, roaring with laughter. His hands reflexively going to his pec and my boob. His laughter set me off and we both fed off it. Becoming kind of hysterical.
We managed to calm ourselves down when the mains were brought to the table. I took a bite of my salt and pepper tofu and looked at him. He smiled at me as he chewed his lemon chicken. I touched his cheek.
"I wanna try for kids again when we get back. No delaying. Straight away when we get back we make an appointment to see the geneticists and see if there's anything really wrong with us. If it's all fine. We try again." I said.
Chris' eyes softened and he squeezed my thigh. "You got it, babe."