[VOICEMAIL]
The Office of Dr. Rubinzahl: This message is for Rosario Bolinas. This is the office of Doctor Rubinzahl calling. Hello Rosario, it's now 8:40 a.m. We had you scheduled for this morning at 8:30. Please let us know as soon as possible if you cannot make it in today. Thank you.
[NEWS]
There has been no word from the government of Mongolia as to whether their rocket strike against the state of Alaska was intentional or an accident. Reports from the scene describe a crater of significant size but no indication of nuclear radiation. President Lopez Vicina has declared a state of provisional war against Mongolia pending clarification. The president had previously vowed to "bomb back into the Stone Age" anyone who ticked him off unnecessarily.
[MESSAGE]
Angel A: Hi Rosie, We just stopped by to get you but you didn't pick up. I left your apartment keys at home so we're going back to get them now and we'll be back in about twenty minutes. You did say your appointment was at 8:30, right?
[FUNNY]
Kim S: They said it was a clam sandwich. My bad.
[FEEDBACK]
GirlInATentCity: I'm trying to picture this but I just can't.
[WISDOMS]
If the earth was flat it wouldn't make any difference in your daily life now would it?
[INFORMATIONS]
Excavations of the lost city of Miami are revealing little known secrets of the lifestyles of the rich and famous who once occupied that mythical site.
[VOICEMAIL]
Karen A: Rosslyn? It's Karen. I can't understand this message you sent. What do you mean by 'excalibur?'
[PHOTO]
Thousands of fans, admirers and just plain old-fashioned blood-suckers lining the streets outside the Palladium to catch a glimpse of the dead body of the dead model Glyph Alders, who died when a nine year old boy from Lithuania mistakenly typed in the character sequence "p. u. g." into the Jaguar L7-7 simulator app running on his keychain.
[MESSAGE]
Tony V: Hey Rosie, it's me and yes I'm back from all my trials and tribulations! I heard about your cancer. Man, that sucks! And they really let you go from AllDat? How did that happen? Sammy didn't know the details and I haven't talked to Angel yet either. I want to come over and see you but I'm still in Los Angeles answering questions. So many fucking questions and what do I know? I was just going to get my girlfriend so we can get married! Anyway, I'll be up there as soon as I can. I had a lot of time to think while I was under house arrest, about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I might just have something for us both. I'm thinking of finally busting out that start-up we used to talk about. You know, the software release consulting business? I'm thinking of calling it RelCo. So many companies waste so much time and effort and don't even realize it, but you and me, we know the drill and we can crunch the numbers, right? We can save them real cold hard moola. And I'm getting some offers. What with all that happened, people know my name now and want to cash in on the association, you know what I mean? I think we can actually get that round of funding. It's pretty exciting to think about and if you're really free now, hey, we can do it, right? We'll get the band back together one more time! Maybe even Angel too though she's pretty stubborn as you well know and she is loving all those stock dividends. Can't blame her really but I'm so ready to break out. After what I went through? And you too. If what I heard is what really happened then fuck them, right? Anyway, we'll talk. Love you Rosie!
[NEWS]
Glyph Alders' funeral has set all sorts of records. Ticket sales were through the roof. People lined up for more than thirteen hours to pass through on the first day alone! Alders is now estimated to have been the most seen corpse in one day since Vladimir Lenin. She is of course much better looking too, according to most experts.
[INFORMATIONS]
The discovery of crabs on Mars was met with universal astonishment this week, with scientists appalled that the creatures had not been seen before despite the tons of soil that had been dug up on that planet in the ultimately futile attempt to turn it into an automated gardening bonanza. Scientists are now attempting to determine if the crabs are native to the red planet or if they originated elsewhere in the solar system, perhaps on some stupid asteroid.
[VIDEOS]
A bold protest of cyclists dressed in clown suits protesting the nation's ban on clowns in public.
[NEWS]
The United States has launched a missile strike against Mongolia, targeting an area as discretely un-populated as that which was struck by the Mongolian missile in Alaska. President Lopez Vicina called his policy "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and in this case, a tit for a tat".
[NEWS]
The American missile has unfortunately been infected by a version of the CandyKid malware. It is not known at this time if the character sequence "p.u.g" is included in the launch code entered by the president.
[NEWS]
The American missile is now on track to hit lower Manhattan in twenty seven minutes and ten seconds.
[NEWS]
A second missile has been launched with the intention of blowing up the first one before it reaches its target.
[NEWS]
The White House will neither confirm nor deny that the CandyKid-jacked rocket is tipped with a nuclear warhead.
[FUNNY]
Kim S: him (reading the paper) what's a four letter word for fuck shit holy damn hell