I wish I could say that we woke up the next morning and wrapped ourselves around each other, apologizing while we made love. But that kinda stuff only happens in fan fiction and rom coms. No, we spent the next couple of days only speaking if it was about the kids or the household and generally avoiding each other.
It was the same routine every morning. I woke up before she did. I got Noah handled and handed him off to her before I took Lucy to school. I would stop by the market on the way home whether we needed something or not, just an excuse to stay out of the house and as far away from the tension as I could.
I had done a good job of keeping my feelings under wraps for the last two weeks. But once Lucy asked and reminded me of all those pictures of Kesse on my phone, the brunt of my desire to adopt him hit me full force. I couldn't hide it away again if I tried.
And what's more I didn't want to. I had allowed Emily the ability to dictate our schedule concerning this because I knew her feelings were valid. She was nervous and scared but if I let this continue, we wouldn't get any closer to adopting him.
Thankfully, we had our monthly appointment with Diana soon. It was gonna be a helluva session I knew that much.
When I got home, I set down the bags on the kitchen counter. She was sitting at the kitchen table, finishing putting Noah's shirt on when I walked in. I cast her a quick glance, kissed Noah's forehead and turned to walk out. She wasn't in any mood to talk to me either.
The longer we didn't speak or connect, the angrier I got. Why was it always me having to go to her? Why was I always the one who had to extend the olive branch?
I wasn't wrong this time. I wasn't saying we had to go and adopt Kesse tomorrow (although I would've been fine if that's what happened) but the fact that she wouldn't even listen drove me insane.
I flopped onto the couch and turned the TV on, trying to get lost in some mindless TV show in the hopes I would stop torturing myself. When that didn't work, I muted it and tried to pour everything into my journal. That kept me occupied for a couple hours. I thought about taking Noah for a walk or to the park, but that would require having to speak to Emily and I wasn't sure I would be able to hold my tongue.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pulled up my photos, thumbing through them.
I missed him. More than I knew I could. The sight of his angelic face staring back at me with no idea what it was the world had in store for him was more than I could handle at the moment. I quickly flipped to some of the other pictures I'd taken. But I ended up back at Kesse's pictures moments later.
Did I know what I was asking? I thought I did. Maybe Em was right. Maybe I was too caught up in the fantasy that just loving Kesse enough would fix all his problems. I knew it would mean more work, but Em and I had already traversed the worst of the worst when it came to our relationship. In the grand scheme of things, this hardly seemed like something that would produce this kind of discourse between us.
I didn't know if I could let him go. Was I willing to risk my family? My children? Emily? All to bring home a little boy I barely knew?
Tears welled up in my eyes while my mind warred with itself over the answer to that. I heard the floor creak behind me. I turned around without thinking to see Emily standing behind me with the laundry basket in her hands. She saw my face, no doubt recognized the tears, and the look on her face was not one of compassion.
She set her mouth in a tight line, shook her head and marched into our bedroom.
My shoulders slumped when I turned back around. I ran my hand down my face.
Shit.
Noah wasn't around. I figured she'd probably put him down for his afternoon nap. So I reluctantly stood and walked towards our bedroom.
I should have stayed on the couch and let her cool down before I approached her. But I knew this discussion...or fight, rather...was necessary.
She was angrily putting away clothes when I leaned against the door frame. When she caught sight of me she shook her head, threw my underwear into the drawer and slammed it shut,
"I don't know why you're so insistent on making me the bad guy in all of this."
"I think you have that switched around."
She turned to glare at me,
"How am I making you the bad guy?"
"You won't even hear me out. You decided that I was being as impulsive as our three year old and that was the end of it."
"Hear you out?" She scoffed, "Because this idea is insane, Harry. Off your fucking rocker insane."
I walked forward, my eyes were flashing in anger,
"Why is it so insane? The thought of us bringing a little boy who has nothing into our house and giving him a fighting chance? Explain to me what makes that insane."
"Because we are not the saviors of every kid who needs loving parents and a good home!" She exclaimed, throwing the clothes she was holding back into the laundry basket. She shook her head, her hands gripping the handles on the basket so hard her knuckles were white, "Harry, you are putting so much pressure on me about this."
I nodded, softening just a bit. I knew I was pressuring but only because I wanted this so badly,
"Em, you are the best mother I have ever seen. The way you love Lucy and Noah...it's spectacular and awe-inspiring."
I took her hands in mine,
"I just want to give this little boy all of that. Everything we have to offer."
Emily took a breath and for a moment it looked like she might cave. Her eyes welled up with tears as she met my gaze,
"Harry, I can't. Please understand. The answer is no."
Her hands dropped from mine while anger rose from my toes all the way up to my ears. I watched as she rounded me and grabbed the laundry basket, turning to watch her walk towards the door,
"I'm sorry did you just say the answer is no?" I asked, incredulous.
She stopped, turning back around to face me,
"Harry, I-"
I was angry. More angry than I ever had been in my life. I felt my ears burning, like the top of my head was about to pop off. I took a step towards her,
"You don't get to summarily make this decision for us." I interrupted, "So it turns out after years of therapy we still haven't made any headway. This relationship is still all about you and I'm just along for the ride."
I felt defeated and alone. Isolated from the one person in the world I could always feel a connection to. But even that was gone now. I couldn't feel her at all. All I could feel was disappointment and anger.
She didn't answer. She seemed shocked. She opened her mouth to say something but I didn't stick around for it. I shook my head as I walked past her,
"Good thing we have that cleared up then." I said softly.
I grabbed my keys and sunglasses and made my way to the garage. I heard her rapidly approach me from behind as I walked towards my truck,
"Harry..." She gasped, her voice weakened by the shallow breaths coming out of her lungs.
I turned to look at her. She swallowed, "Where are you going?"
I played with the keys in my hand before shrugging,
"Studio. When would you like me back?"
Her face fell. I wish I could say that it made me feel bad, but it didn't,
"Harry, please..."
She didn't finish. I didn't stick around to hear if she did. I got into my truck, pulled out and left her standing in the doorway alone.
-----------------------
I actually did go to the studio. Though I didn't know for what. I hadn't written anything in months so there definitely wasn't anything to record. But I always went to the studio when I needed to work things out.
I did end up actually writing. I poured all of my feelings into a few really good pages of anger. But no matter how many times I went to write something that pointed a finger at Em, I couldn't do it. In my head, I knew she was being unfair. I knew I had a right to be angry. But I just couldn't ever put anything down on paper that painted her in a negative light.
So I went home. It was dinnertime by the time I walked back into the house. Lucy came crashing into my arms the minute I walked in the door while Noah took a bit more time. He was still trying to get steady on his feet. However once he reached me, his arms came up and he called out to me,
"Dada!"
I leaned down to pick him up, pressing a kiss to his blonde curls and shaking my head. Would any of our children ever be born brunette? I saw Emily standing in the doorway of the kitchen. She looked exhausted. I could relate.
She wiped her hands on a towel and gestured to the kitchen,
"I went out and got us some Italian food...that place you like." She offered.
I wanted to walk over and press a kiss to her mouth, hug her into my body, pat her on the ass the way I usually did when I got home. But I was still feeling the effects of her earlier rebuff. So I shook my head as I set Noah back on the floor,
"I'm gonna go downstairs...try and get some more out onto paper." When my eyes met hers I gave her a hard stare, "Not really hungry anymore anyway."
She closed her mouth and gave a reluctant nod of her head as I walked by.
The next morning wasn't any better than the few before it. We were quietly avoiding each other. I could tell she was regretful of what she'd said, but I just couldn't let it go at the moment. I was still reeling that after all the work we'd done with Diana, when push came to shove she was still untrusting of me when it came to the really important things.
Niall broke up the intense tension that afternoon when he came to get the kids before we headed off to Diana's for our session. I knew Emily probably needed some alone time with him so I took it upon myself to get the kids ready for their afternoon with Uncle Niall.
Lucy babbled on and on about her footie game that weekend,
"I'm sure you'll be amazing, My Love."
She nodded,
"Mumma says I might not be able to do both next year."
"Why's that, Diz?"
"She wants to make sure I have enough time to focus on school."
I sat down on her bed and nodded,
"Well school is important. We'll have to see how you handle all of it and what happens with your grades."
She seemed to handle that news well. But then again Lucy was always super focused on her schoolwork.
She finished putting on her shoes and then hopped up to sit on the bed next to me. I reached over to smooth her hair out of her face. My precious baby girl was almost ten. Her hair had turned brunette overnight it seemed. Her baby pudge in her cheeks was gone, replaced by a set of the most electric blue eyes I'd ever seen. Courtesy of her mother.
Loving Lucy wasn't something I had to learn to do, it was just there. From the moment I held her in my arms when she was a baby before I knew she was even mine.
She took a breath,
"You and mumma are fighting." She said softly.
I don't know why it shocked me when she said things that proved what an observant little girl she was. Of course she had to have felt the tension in the house. And I knew for Lucy, that made any anxieties she had kick into overdrive. Because as much as Em and I tried to shield her from it, she remembered what happened when we broke up.
So I did my best not to freak out or start over explaining. I simply reached up and dragged the pad of my thumb under her eye,
"Don't be scared, Diz. Everything will be alright."
She let out a sigh that I suspected she'd been holding in for awhile. Her blue eyes studied my face,
"I don't wanna leave." She whispered.
My heart broke in my chest. Em and I had been arguing a lot lately, but never at any time did the thought occur to me that anyone was going anywhere.
I leaned down to press a kiss to her hair,
"You're not going anywhere."
My daughter and I emerged from her bedroom just as Niall emerged from the kitchen with Noah. He quirked his eyebrows,
"Sorry, Mate."
I was confused, pulling my own eyebrows together,
"For what?"
Just then Emily appeared in the doorway of the kitchen with her arms folded over her chest. She was glaring at me so intensely it felt like it was burning holes into my chest. Niall looked between us and then quickly grabbed Noah and Lucy and left.
Emily immediately threw her arms out once the door closed behind them,
"You told him?"
"He was there, Em. He saw Kesse. He knows all about it."
"He knows that you want to adopt him?"
I reached out to grab my keys,
"Yes, he does. And he thinks it's a good idea."
"Oh great." She replied, refolding her arms over her chest, "So now it's two against one."
I shook my head, gesturing to the garage,
"We're gonna be late."
I was exhausted with all of this back and forth already. She grabbed her purse, angrily positioned it under her arm and stomped out to my truck.
-----------------------
The session with Diana felt like one we'd had when we'd just started seeing her. Emily was fuming, I was silent and Diana was confused. The last time she'd seen us we couldn't wipe the smiles off our face if we tried.
She leaned forward, clasping her hands over her desk calendar,
"So...there's a problem I take it?"
Emily glared at me,
"I can't believe you told him."
I turned my head towards her,
"He's your best friend."
She narrowed her eyes at me,
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Hold on." Diana interrupted but I was far too fired up to allow her to interrupt me.
I turned to Emily, my eyes flashing with anger,
"It means that you're just pissed off because you wanted to tell him first."
"Wait a minute." Diana again.
"I did not." Emily protested.
"Hey!" Diana interjected.
I scoffed and sat back on the couch,
"Please. You won't listen to anything. You think you know wha-"
"HEY!" Diana yelled, surprising us both. She looked between us, "What is going on? Someone start from the beginning."
Emily folded her arms over her chest,
"He wants us to adopt a child. From Ghana. A three year old little boy who hasn't spoken since he was dropped off but for some reason started talking when Harry sat down next to him for a bit." She nervously played with her fingers, "He thinks we can parent him."
"And you don't." Diana said. Though it wasn't a question.
Emily stopped. Which shocked me. Had I been the other person in this conversation she would have made some snarky comment and closed off by now. But she didn't with Diana.
She sighed, shaking her head gently as she looked up at the ceiling,
"I just don't know."
"What don't you know?" Diana pressed.
"I don't know if we're ready for all that. We're not even out of our 30s and we're gonna be settled with three kids. A house. A life. We've been adults since we were 17 years old."
Diana nodded, turning her head to look at me,
"Harry? What's your response to that?"
I shrugged,
"I think she and I can do anything as long as we remember we're a team."
Emily rolled her eyes and shook her head,
"And because I don't think it's that easy that means what? That I don't think we can do anything?" She glared at me, "I live in the real world, Harry. Not fantasy land where I think the two of us will have any clue what we're doing with a three year old little boy from an entirely different culture who probably has some severe behavioral issues."
Diana held her hands up,
"Whoa...wait a minute here. We're getting ahead of ourselves."
She took a moment to think while Emily and I fumed on the couch. Was Fantasyland some kind of dig at me because of my job? I didn't want to think we'd reached the point of that type of pettiness but who knew based on how the two of us had been acting lately.
That's when it hit me. I was sitting on a couch with the love of my life wondering if she'd just made a dig about my job. A job I loved. A job she loved. A job she'd never in a day resented despite the endless amount of bullshit she had to put up with.
I looked over at her. My Love on the other end of the couch, staring down at the floor while she nervously played with the end of her shirt. The last time I'd seen Emily nervous about anything was when she told me Lucy was mine.
In the haze of wanting to bring Kesse home so badly, I'd forgotten to be a part of the team I'd just spoken of. I'd pressured her into agreeing with me even though she had some seriously valid points about why we needed to think this through.
I turned back to Diana,
"It's ok." I said softly.
Diana, obviously puzzled, looked up at me,
"I'm sorry?"
Emily turned to look at me as well. I turned towards her on the couch, bringing her hand into mine, I leaned down to kiss her fingers,
"I'm sorry, Em. You're right."
She seemed stunned and caught completely off guard. She glanced between Diana and I as if this were some type of joke,
"Harry I-"
I gave her a weak, but reassuring smile,
"It's ok." I lifted my hand to her cheek, pushing some hair behind her ear, "We'll let it go for now. Wait until we can both be comfortable with moving forward. That's the only way this works anyway."
Emily looked back at Diana, still unsure of what all of this meant. I looked back at Diana,
"Let's continue with the rest of the session. This is settled as far as I'm concerned."
-----------------------
Emily was shocked, I could tell. But I didn't feel a need to discuss it further. I slid my hand into hers and threaded our fingers for the walk out to my truck. It was the most intimate we'd been in a week. She stayed a half step behind me. I knew she was stewing. I opened her door for her and waited until she was safely inside. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked around the front ot the drivers side. I stayed quiet as I situated myself in the driver's seat and pulled the seatbelt over my lap.
The only sound was the radio as I pulled out into traffic. I took her hand in mine. She was still studying me. I heard her clear her throat while I pulled onto the highway,
"Harry?"
"Yes, Love?"
"I don't mean to sound...I'm sorry if I-" She stopped abruptly, "What happened back there?"
I shrugged,
"Nothing. Was something supposed to have happened?"
She shook her head but I could tell she wasn't satisfied. She turned towards me,
"You were so...set."
I kissed her fingers gently and cast her a quick glance before putting my eyes back on the road,
"It's alright, Em. I promise."
She was uneasy. I could feel it radiating off of her. Almost like she thought I might go back and throw it in her face one day when I was upset.
But I wouldn't.
-----------------------
Lucy hopped on the couch to sit in the crook of my arm while Noah sat on my lap. Emily was just finishing up cleaning up from dinner and then she would join us. It had been two weeks since we'd had that last session with Diana and neither of us had spoken about Kesse again. I could tell Emily was still slightly off kilter about it. But I didn't ever mention it. I knew it was something she needed to work out without me although it killed me not to be able to help.
But tonight was Red Nose Day. And the Boys and I would be on with our pre-recorded bits in Ghana as well as a performance we'd recorded in London months ago. Lucy was excited like she always was to see her daddy on the telly. Noah just wanted to play without being disturbed.
"Baby, it's starting!" I called over the couch.
Emily snapped the light off and jogged out of the kitchen,
"Sorry, sorry..." She sat down on the other side of Lucy, "I'm here."
I looked over at her, her blue eyes sparkling with electricity. Emily enjoyed this as well. She always said her two favorite things in the world were watching me with my kids and watching me on stage. Two of the places where she knew I felt like I was home.
She threaded her fingers through mine,
"Do you know when you're on?"
I nodded,
"After Katy Perry. She introduces us."
She looked over at me and I could see she was comfortable. Maybe for the first time since I'd been home. Her normal calm had returned and the smile behind her eyes when she looked at me was clear as day.
I lifted her hand to my mouth, pulling Lucy's head into my chest as I did so because she was in the way. She giggled,
"Daddy!"
-----------------------
Noah sacked out half an hour into the show. He was snoring softly on my chest. Yes, my three year old snored. It was amazing. So during a commercial I told Em I was going to take him to bed.
I set my little boy down in his bed and tried to get him to sit up while I pulled his shirt off. I laughed when he bobbled around like a drunk man. I was finally able to get him dressed and comfortably down when Lucy came running in,
"Daddy, you're on in a minute."
I turned my head to look at her,
"Alright...be there in a minute, Diz."
I turned back to my boy, leaned down to kiss his forehead and then walked back out to the couch.
Lucy cuddled close into me once I sat down. Her little head fitting perfectly under my arm. She gestured to the TV,
"The orphanage, Daddy." She pointed out quietly, "That little boy on your phone."
I froze. It made sense that Kesse would be on this, I just hadn't realized that we had been recorded. I knew that Claudia tried to keep us out of the spotlight as much as she could, but there were at least ten cameras around that day, there's no way she saw what all of them had pointed their lens towards.
But there I was, sitting on the ground putting together some Legos with him while we smiled and laughed together. You couldn't hear a thing either of us were saying due to Louis' voice overs explaining where we were and what we'd done for the time we were in Ghana. But it didn't matter, it was clear Kesse and I had a connection. It was plainly evident on the screen.
My desire to adopt him came back like a raging river. Even now when I had done my best to push him out of my mind and forget, I felt it like I had that day. He was my son.
I felt Lucy shift next to me and I quickly came crashing down from my reverie. I cast a quick glance in Emily's direction, stopping when I saw that her eyes were glued to the TV. She hadn't moved a muscle in the last 30 seconds while she watched me interact with Kesse. She didn't move until the segment ended and for a time afterwards.
She didn't say another word or move for the rest of the program, except to reach over and squeeze my hand after our performance was over.
-----------------------
I had no idea what Emily was thinking or if she was even thinking anything. She put Lucy to bed while I went to our room and tried like hell to push out any lingering thoughts of Kesse.
I had been known to romanticize things. I had been known to make impulsive decisions. I had been known not to think things through to the end and anticipate the consequences. Emily was only trying to save us both from a decision that had the potential to tank my entire family.
But I couldn't shake the feeling that Kesse belonged with us. And I was willing to do whatever it took to get to that point.
I sat down on our bed, watching as she walked into our room and closed the door behind her. She disappeared into the bathroom and reappeared a few moments later with her pajamas on, her makeup off and her hands rubbing lotion on them.
She slid her feet under the covers, turned her back to me and laid down. I knew I wasn't in trouble. I also knew she was just working some things out and it had nothing to do with me.
That didn't make it any easier though.
I could feel Em tossing and turning beside me all night. I wasn't getting much sleep myself if I was being honest. I hated it when we didn't communicate. I hated it when we went to bed and I wasn't able to completely wrap myself around her warm body. I hated it that I didn't kiss her goodnight or tell her I love her.
I turned my head, my eyes falling on her back. It was hours later and I just wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her I loved her.
I went back to staring at the ceiling, wondering how on earth I was going to fix this one when I heard her voice,
"I love you." She said so softly I may not have heard it if it hadn't been completely silent in our room.
A breath I'd been holding in all night finally exited my body,
"I love you too." I said, both of us turning to face each other.
Her eyes were puffy, glassy with tears that I quickly wiped away with the pads of my thumbs. I pressed a kiss to her mouth and pulled her into my chest. She burrowed her body into mine the way she normally did at night in bed.
I kissed her forehead,
"What's wrong, Em?"
She shook her head, her hand spreading out over my chest,
"You were right. I do always make the decisions for us."
I pulled away to look down at her,
"I do romanticize things and make impulsive decisions though. If it wasn't for you we'd have moved to France...remember when I wanted to live there?"
She laughed softly, reminded of another incident she had to talk me out of after I'd come home from filming Dunkirk and insisted we live there for good. Lucy could learn French. It would be perfect.
She lifted her hand to my cheek,
"This is different though. I can tell." She met my gaze, her eyes looking clear through me to my soul. She sniffed, "You really want this don't you?"
I couldn't deny it. Even if I lied to her and said the word no it would still come out sounding like a yes. I did want this. I wanted us to adopt Kesse, bring him here to live with us, give him the chance every child deserves to live out his dreams. I wanted to teach him things. I wanted Em to cuddle him into her arms like she did Lucy and Noah when they needed her and a mother's touch was the only thing that would make them feel better. I wanted Lucy to protect him the way she protected Noah. And I wanted Noah to bond with him.
I nodded once.
Emily drew in a deep, shaky breath and then let it out,
"I'm scared." She whispered softly.
"I am too."
"What if we're not what he needs? What if we make things worse for him?"
"Here...hold on." I sat up, pulling her up with me, "We love each other. We love Lucy and Noah. This house is filled with love and acceptance and trust and not so long ago I didn't know if that was possible. But look at us now. We clawed our way back to this. And it's better than I dreamed it could be. I don't see how we could do all that and fail at loving this little boy."
I squeezed her hand, "I know what I'm asking is huge. I know you like to think things through and weigh all the options. So all I'm asking is that maybe we just go to Ghana and see how things go. You can meet him, see the orphanage, get some perspective that I can't give you. That's not a lot is it?"
Emily stared back at me, her blue eyes darting back and forth across mine. Had I finally said the right thing? I'd been so close to convincing her before that it was almost too much to believe I'd finally done it now.
She smiled a weak smile, but it was a smile all the same. She blinked rapidly, an indication of her fears. And then she opened her mouth,
"Ok. Let's go."