Alex
A few hours later, a lot of tears later and too much cursing later, I think Liam must have never broken anything. Because traveling to the hospital, taking the x-ray while they order you to lay your arm in different positions that are downright impossible, then having them make a cast over the now swollen wrist does not hurt a bit- it hurts a fucking lot.
"Are you okay?" Liam asks as I exit the hospital.
He left after the doctor told me that my wrist is indeed broken, but it's a clean fracture and therefore will heal on its own without any surgery. The misery, shame and nerves that entered my body when I heard the verdict were insane and too much to handle with his eyes on me. He of course stayed outside, the good friend he is.
"Fine enough," I tell him waving the cast around. Now that it is on, it sure as hell doesn't hurt as much. "I have to come back in a week for a new x-ray and a different cast. This one is heavy."
"I can sign it though," he says and I let out a fake laugh.
"Ha ha. There is nothing remotely funny about this."
"Well, you broke your hand-
"Wrist," I correct him.
"Wrist while falling down. You can't tap beers for shit now."
"I didn't just fall down," I admit to Liam. "And I quit my job already."
"What?" Liam asks, stopping our trip back to the bus. "What do you mean?"
"I got a panic attack and Logan wanted me to calm down and it sort of backfired. He wouldn't let me go so I pushed him out of the way and he didn't let me so I fell backwards."
"Oh my God.. did he push you?"
"No, he was just stronger than I thought. It was a reaction I think. He of course only meant well. Shit Liam.. I don't even really know why it happened, but it is my second one since I'm back and it only has been a month or so. Something is wrong with me." Liam keeps quiet and looks past me. "What?" I ask him.
"I don't know. What made you freak out in the first place?"
"That he didn't let me go and started to asks these questions. Trying to get to the bottom of it all and I don't want to."
"And why did you quit then? Because of him?"
"No, no," I tell him shaking my head. "It just didn't feel right. And I couldn't stop thinking about alcohol."
"I honestly don't get why you are making this such a big deal," says Liam, and I'm not sure what he means. "It's not as if you were an alcoholic, drinking all day long. Why is this so important for you? You won't fail if you drink a beer during your shift."
"I want to better my life, Liam. It's just something I can't quite explain and it has to do with a lot of things, but most of all what I do when I'm drunk. And I never drank as much before I moved to Palas. I was practically a saint then. I want to go back to who I was then."
"But you can't go back, too much has happened, Lex. You can't just stop drinking hoping it will change everything. If there's things you don't like about yourself than you should fix that, not hope stopping alcohol will change it all because it won't."
He looks at me with a stern expression. His words are true and smart, making me think about my motives, but I do feel like the only way to move forward is to make some changes and not drinking is a big part of that.
"I don't know. All I know is that I'm not happy. Not as happy as I should be considering where I am in my life."
"Is it Harry?"
"It is me," I tell him and he closes his eyes for a second and I do too, because it all becomes too much to see.
****
Harry is not at home by the time I make it back. Since it is already late I had expected him to be here and I had a speech ready for him to explain what happened. I could just wait for him to come back, but I want to know where he is so I call.
When he picks up I already know where he's at because of the background noise. "Hey, what's up?"
"When are you coming home?" I ask him, ignoring his question.
"In a few," he answers and I realize his voice is as distant as our relationship has been for the past weeks.
"Few minutes, hours, days?"
"I'll be home," he then says and I'm a bit fed up with it.
"Look, Harry, something happened and I need to speak to you."
"What then?"
"I'm not going to discuss it over the phone, I just want you to come home."
"What happened, Alex?" He asks, sounding more urgent this time. "Just tell me."
"Come home, Harry," I practically beg and I'm about to hang up the phone when he snaps back.
"Is this you persuading me to come home so that I'm not here at work? Because I'm pretty tired of it, Alex. I need to work and I'm sorry these parties exists and there's people with history here, but it is only work."
After having already felt anxiety, sadness, guilt and shame today, I thought it would be over with the negativity, but Harry is perfectly fine to also put offended and hurt in the mix as well.
"I spent the day in the hospital. Either you get off your high horse and pretend to care about me or just stay there in Pascal's arse."
"What?" I hear him ask, but I hang up after that, not feeling the need to talk a second longer to him.
Anger boils up in me again and I'm ready to punch a wall or throw a chair through the window, but instead I go on the hunt for the only thing I know that will help me feel nothing at all. There's nothing in the fridge or the cabinets in the kitchen, but I know Harry must keep something somewhere. So I search the entire house, but still end up empty handed by the time the front door opens and Harry steps in.
****
Harry
"I need to go," I tell Pascal and maybe my panic is visible as he only gives me a minor complaint.
"The party's just starting man. You keep disappearing way too early every time. And look, the fun has just begun. Susie just arrived! You know that she almost ended up with Joseph last week? She clearly has a thing for tattoo artists."
It doesn't even shock me to find out and to my surprise it barely sparks a hint of jealousy in me. "So? I don't give a fuck. Alex spent the day in the hospital, okay? I need to go home and find out what's up."
"Oh," he says, backing off a bit. "Sure. Go."
"Anyway, my own party is in a few days, you're welcome okay?"
Pascal nods and gives me a faint smile that I can barely return. On my way out I'm stopped again by Susie.
"Where are you off too?" She asks with a smile that falters when she sees my face.
"Alex," I manage to say. Different scenarios of what could have happened today fly through my head. "I need to leave."
"Okay, of course. I'll see you at your birthday then?"
I look to her for a brief second, remembering that I invited her over text simply to get rid of her constant talks about her sister's illness. I feel sorry for her and her sister, but I'm no therapist. It's hard to deal with my own feelings let alone with hers. As a decoy I invited her to my birthday saying we'd talk there. I hadn't expected her to take the bait, but of course she did. She's too polite not to.
"Uh, yeah. See you there," I mumble, pushing my way through the crowd, away from her.
The fucking cold freezes me to the core when I step outside. This night was supposed to go totally different and I can't help but blame Alex for fucking up my plans. I wanted to use this party to talk to Pascal as he seemed in a better mood than normal. Try and get him to agree to let me start for my own eventually. I even drank alcohol just to please him and it makes me groggy now that I'm no longer in the comfort of the warmth of the shop.
My mind races with possibilities of what could have happened to her, each one more severe than the next. Alex in pain isn't something I deal with nicely. The thought of her being held by some drug dealers in the storage room in Palas is something I can't even bare to think of without kicking something.
Finally I make it home and I open the door with some struggle. I drank more than I realized and the moment my eyes fall on Alex, I know she can see that I'm drunk. Maybe she'll get upset because I promised not to drink at work. Then again, I know she drinks too. The night that Tessa was here, she thought she fooled me, but I could see it in her eyes. Her eyes are in pain right now and my gaze falls down to her arm that is in a sling around her neck. Her fingers visible coming out of a cast.
"You broke your arm?" I blurt out, my eyes scanning the rest of her body to make sure that is the only damage.
"Wrist."
"How?"
"I fell."
"I'm sorry," I apologize, feeling liking an absolute dick for the way I treated her on the phone.
"For what? It is not your fault."
"That I haven't been in touch all day and for what I said on the phone."
"Ah well, I never expected less of you. Once a dick, always a dick, right? Maybe I should get that tattooed on my arm as a reminder."
Her intense eye contact makes me drop my gaze to the floor and she walks away to the bedroom. She's right of course and I curse myself for being a dick once again. When I follow her to the bedroom I watch her undress herself, struggling with the sling around her neck. I'm not sure why she doesn't just lift it over her head instead of untying it, but I can't watch her struggle any longer. It shocks her to feel that I'm close when I try to get the knot out. Softly I place a kiss on her neck, glad that she's safe.
"Does it hurt?" I wonder and she shakes her head.
"It did, but not anymore."
"Do I hurt you?" I ask, the power of alcohol making me feel a bit braver than I should after the way I treated her. I take a step closer to help her with her shirt that is stuck behind the thick plaster of the cast and then I reach the straps of her bra. Softly tracing her spine. She gives me the reaction I'd hoped for, goosebumps rising on her skin "Lex?"
"You did," she finally answers me.
She turns around, her expression paining me and I do the only thing I know that can help. First I reach for her lips, but she seems hesitant when I try to deepen it and push her closer. It's a bit awkward when her cast hurts my back when she tries to hug me, but I try to ignore it and fall back on the bed with her. This time I can't ignore the impact her cast has as it makes me fall on her chest. A moan escapes my lips and it's not out of pleasure. I try to kiss through it, show her that I care for her, but there's something about Alex tonight that makes me slow down.
"Maybe not tonight," she whispers and I briefly look up to her. I can take a hint and roll off of her. "I'm sorry. I'm just not well, okay?"
"It's okay," I tell her, but it comes off wrong. I can't hide that it upsets me to hear her say those words. I don't think I've ever heard her say them.
"Was it an okay party?" She then asks as if nothing happened.
"Sure," I answer her, turning away to set my alarm. "Nothing special."
"Did you speak to Pascal?"
"I was about too, but then you called," I can't help but say.
"I'm sorry. Pascal must have a great impression of me."
"I don't give a fuck," I tell her and I know I sound as cold as I'm starting to feel now that she doesn't want to be close to me.
"Harry?" She asks, sounding small and vulnerable. I turn over on my side to watch her stare at me. "Can I tell you something without you getting angry?"
"Go on," I urge her.
"I had another panic attack at work," she says and I can tell that she's ashamed to admit it. Feeling sorry for her, but also hurt that she's only telling me now I sound a bit more upset than I mean to.
"Why?"
"Because of many things, I think, but mostly because I wanted to leave the pub and Logan wouldn't let me."
"What do you mean?" I ask, already trying to get up. What did that weird fuck up do to her?
"Not like that. Just- working there has been difficult. I just can't keep my mind off alcohol when I'm surrounded by it. Seeing it, making it, watching people drink it.. it became too much and then it all spiraled out of control like it always does with me," she explains, but it isn't easing the worry in my body. "Logan wanted me to calm down before I went away. Well, I quit, and then I tried to push him away, but instead I fell back and broke my arm. It helped the panic attack," she adds, smiling softly as if that should make me happy.
"Did he push you back?"
"Of course not. He only meant well. Was trying to calm me down. You know how I can get."
"That I fucking do. Why didn't you tell me before, Alex?" I ask, getting upset for real now. Why does this keep happening to her? This time even making her break her arm.
"I don't know.. I don't even know what is happening myself. And you are always busy with work, I don't want to worry you."
"I don't give a fuck about it all. You should have told me. I know I have been absence, but for fuck's sake, I can't smell it if something's wrong. You need to talk to me," I try to plead with her because I can't keep guessing what is wrong with her.
"I didn't think this would happen. I was going to tell you after tonight."
"You should have said it earlier," I fight back.
"I know," she whispers. "I'm going to do everything right from now on. I was trying already, but I failed. I'm sorry."
I turn to look at her, a frown set deep between my brows. What the fuck does she mean by that- I failed? "You don't need to try to be perfect. Just talk to me, that's all I'm asking. I don't care if I have to pick you up black-outed or for this. You can't help this. This isn't your fault."
"I'm just going to grab something to eat," she says and I know she can't stand the truth. She can't stand me when I get real with her and it gets too much for her. I can't force her to open up, I've learned that much so I let her go.
Her naked body is flawed by the large cast around her arm that I can't help but notice she holds with her other hand. As if to protect it or maybe it still hurts and she lied again to me. For some reason I know that she isn't going to eat something. Maybe I should go after her and stop her from what I think she's doing, but she already feels like a failure. I wait for her on the edge of the bed, hurt that she thinks that I'm stupid enough to not smell it on her once she returns.
"Are you fine?" I ask and she nods. "I don't believe you."
She doesn't react but stands still in front of me. I know there's only one way to find out if she really thinks I'm stupid for not noticing that she only went out to drink. And not water, but the scotch I had hidden in the hallway. So I stand up and reach for her, my lips trying to close the space between us but she backs away like I had expected her to.
"Harry, stop," she mumbles.
"Now tell me again that you're fine," I whisper to her.
She blinks a couple of times and then walks into the bathroom, slamming the door. I can hear her lock it and for a moment I stand outside, wondering if I should try and open it. The sobs and high pitch breaths tell me that she's having another panic attack. I feel guilty for trying to push a reaction out of her and starting her second panic attack of the day. It takes long before I hear her breaths become longer and I quickly lie down in bed, closing my eyes.
I feel her side of the bed dip and I try to stay as still as possible, letting her make the decision for what she wants. Slowly I feel her scoot over and then her arm and leg wrap around me, pulling my back against her chest. There's nothing I want more than to be next to her. To share this house with her. To lover her, flaws and all, so I turn around and face her and like that we fall asleep.