Alex
"My girl!" Uncle Theo yells as he sees me entering the pub.
He's sharing a table with Sage who smiles as well. Theo get's up from his seat and my eyes look to the chair next to him where dad used to sit. It's empty as if we're still waiting for him. When I'm close enough Theo pulls me in for a hug. Besides his looks he also smells like my father. It's a mixture of smoke, beer and a certain cologne.
"So good to see you," he says, holding me by my shoulders to study my body. "Did you lose weight?"
"Probably the opposite," I laugh. "What about you?"
"Still the same," he says, patting his rather large tummy. "It's good genes I suspect. I can eat whatever I want."
He sits down and I do too kissing Sage on her cheek as a hello. She rolls her eyes for a moment at her father but I can only smile. It's like my father is back for a moment.
"You look the same as always, that's true," I say. "I'm sorry I haven't really seen you for awhile."
"Oh, don't bother! You were busy and living miles away. I can't expect you to stop by here every chance you get. Also Sage has been giving me updates, but it's been quiet for awhile. What's new?" He raises his hands to the bartender and I know he's going to order a beer so I quickly start talking.
"I stopped drinking. Alcohol I mean," I say and he frowns. I imagine how my father would react if I'd tell him. I used to drink a beer from time to time, but never let it get out of control. I didn't really like the taste and only accepted it out of politeness. My father almost expected me to drink and never minded that I did in Palas. So does uncle Theo.
"Why? Are you sick?" He wonders and I realize that's the only reason they'd accept it or understand.
"Not really. I mean, it's not like with my father. It's different. Like more sick in my mind?" I know it comes of the wrong way, but I don't know how else to explain this. For this side of my family drinking is like a religion. You must have a damn good reason to walk away from that. I think it is the same on the other side, but I don't know them.
Seeing my uncle struggle to understand only verifies my reasoning. I know I'm doing the right thing.
"What?" He says after a moment and I look to Sage for help- who isn't drinking either but I suspect for different reasons. She only shrugs her shoulders.
"I uhm... I started to drink for the wrong reasons. At first it was just fun, but it became something I can't do without. Something to make me feel better or forget things and I want to control it. So I started drinking less and recently I decided to stop completely."
"And how is that working for you?" He wonders as the bartender places a fresh beer in front of me.
"Good," I tell him. He doesn't need to know about my mistake at Liam's a couple of days ago. That's in the past and only more reason to push away the beer in front of me right now. "It means more for you."
"That's right," he laughs. "So, what else is new?"
"I got two jobs. One at a bar and one in a shop. I'm trying to find a way to get there more easier. I hate public transportation."
"As did your father. That's why he was so happy he could get you a car. Why did you ever sell it?"
"It got too expensive."
I can see the car clear as day. It was old and even if I still would have it, it probably wouldn't work anymore. But the car gave me a sense of freedom, just like my moped and later bicycle did in Palas. Being dependent on trains to arrive on time sucks when you have to travel through the whole of London.
"Why don't you get a bicycle?" Sage wonders. "You used one in Palas didn't you?"
"Yeah," I say. "I just might. I can't afford much more right now."
"You should ask one for Christmas," Theo jokes. "The way Harry looked at you at Sagie's wedding made me think it was your own wedding."
"Not quiet," I laugh nervously. "But I could ask, yes."
"You two okay?" Sage wonders, hearing my voice.
"Yes, we are. He's working hard in this tattoo parlor. Pascal's? If you're ever looking for a new tattoo you should check it out."
"I don't have room left," Theo says and I look to his covered arms.
He really is a copy of my father only slightly older and his hair is a bit more red than my father's. Also he's not a fan of facial hair and that might be the biggest difference between them. There's a reason why I don't visit him much. It's hard to see him without my father. Also this pub, that I was at for Sage's hen party only two months ago, reminds me of him so much. At night it's a bit more loud and aimed for a younger public, but during the day like now, it is pretty much the same as it was ten years ago.
"Did you ever get a tattoo for my father?" I wonder and I surprise myself by speaking of him. It's sort of an unspoken rule to not discuss him, but it feels weird to ignore the empty seat. His death was of course painful and hard for me, but also for his brother.
"Uhm, I don't think I did. You?" He manages to answer and I smile.
"This one," I tell him showing the 'just be' tattoo. I have good memories to it and still love it.
"Just be," he laughs. "Yes, he used to say that about you a lot. How's that working out for you?"
"Just fine."
Sage looks at me and I can tell she want to discuss things alone, without her father, but I have to give the man some time. So we discuss the weather, the news and some more topics that surface.
When it hits three o'clock Sage politely asks her father if we can spend some time alone.
"I was wondering how you are really doing?" Sage's says the moment her father sits down at the bar away from us. He doesn't really mind as long as he can have a drink.
"Okay," I tell her. "It will be good for me once I can start work. I have my first shift at this 24-hour shop tomorrow."
"Let's see how long you last," she jokes but I don't laugh. Several people feel the need to remind me of how I couldn't keep a job in London when I was 19 years old. They seem to forget that I managed just fine being a lifeguard in a foreign country.
"As long as I want to."
"Yeah, I know, but back in the day you always quit so soon or got fired," she says as if I don't know that myself. "But I guess that's different now."
"Yes, this isn't where everyone knows my father and feels the need to bother me with it. And I like to believe I've grown as a person. I brought people back from the death for God's sake."
"True," she says with a smile. "You'll be fine."
"I will."
"And you and Harry? You sounded a bit on edge the last time we spoke." Sage is referring to our phone call when I told her about my troubles with him.
"It's okay. We are just trying to get to know each other again. It's one thing to decide to get back together after so much time, but it's not all that simple."
"I can imagine. Has he changed much?" She wonders and I think about if for a moment.
"In a way yes, but he's still Harry as well. It's not as if he's a stranger. There's just stuff we're figuring out."
"Well, I like that you are doing it here. After the wedding I never expected you to be back so soon."
"Happy you like it," I tell her and she smiles. "How are you?"
"Good, just a bit stressed about this whole baby thing. I was supposed to get my period yesterday and it didn't come. So I tested this morning but it was negative. So frustrating already and it is only the second time."
"Maybe it is too early to tell?"
"Maybe. We'll see. I'll let you know as soon as it's positive. Do you want to be an aunt?" She wonders and I don't really know what to say. Of course I'd love for her to get pregnant, but the last time someone close to me got pregnant it didn't work out in my benefit.
Ava and I haven't talked since I'm back and I'm not expecting her to make a phone call soon. Maybe she'll send a card once the baby is born or maybe she won't even let us know.
"Of course," I say. "I want this for you. I think you and Nick will be great parents."
"I'd like you to be involved," she starts off. "I mean, we used to dream about this together and I don't care if you never have children, but I want to do this with you too. I only have Tessa and you and I'll need all the support I can get."
"I've got your back, Sage. I'll change diapers and shit until you're done with me."
She laughs and starts to talk about Nick. If he'll be a good dad or think everything is up to Sage when he has to work the most. As I listen to her talk about Nick I can't help myself but think of Harry and if he'd be a great dad. I tend to get selfish during conversations but I let her vent and she keeps on talking even when her father sits down again. She has the same relationship with her dad like I had with him. I could tell him everything. He would be the only one I'd talk about all that is going on inside my head right now.
So it is with a bit of sadness that I walk back to our home. I miss my father more than I had thought after all these years. Sure, it gets easier but I still miss him as much as I did right from the beginning. Seeing my uncle is nice but hard every time.
There's no one at home like I expected so I take the moment to bathe and make something to eat. Since the last fall-out between me and Harry I haven't cooked like I did that night and I'm not feeling like it today either.
It's almost eight when Harry returns home. When I hear the door fall in its lock and his keys fall down on the side-table in the hallway, my body already starts to feel warmer. He creeps up from behind and kisses me softly on my cheek.
"Hey," he says watching the pan I'm stirring. "What is it?"
"Leftovers," I answer also questioning my skills at the moment. "You better like it."
"Oh, I will. I'm starving." He sits down at the table throwing his phone on the table. "Please talk to me about your day."
"Was yours so awful?"
"Just busy."
"I went to see my uncle and Sage in the pub," I tell him. "It was nice to see him, but also difficult in a way."
"He looks so much like your father," Harry says and I know that he understands exaclty what I find difficult about seeing him.
"Yes. I told him that I'm not drinking."
"How did he take it?" He looks up from his phone, laughing as he probably can image how he'd react.
"He didn't make a fuss about it, but I wonder if he'll still know the next time I see him. He probably thinks I was joking. He'll never truly understand, even after he saw my father struggle."
"I think your father would understand. He'd be proud," Harry says and I smile, putting the pan on the table so that Harry can serve the plates.
"I think so, too."
"It smells good," Harry says as he places a full plate in front of me. It is some curry with potatoes and tastes better than it looks. "Bon appétit."
We eat for a moment like we always do, both scrolling through our phones, reading some news and answering messages. I like these moments with Harry when there's no trouble. Just being, like my father wanted me to.
"Sage might be pregnant already," I tell him pushing away my plate. "I always used to think I would be first."
"We could try to be the first, here now, on the table," he says with a twinkle in his eyes.
"Do you want children?" I ask dead serious, ignoring what he just said. I know he was joking and not really trying to beat them to it.
"Uhm.. are we really discussing this?" He asks and I nod. "I mean, right now?"
"It is a yes or no question."
"I know. Has she inspired you?" Harry wonders and I roll my eyes.
"I started to think about it, yes. I had it all planned out before I came to Palas and somehow it all went to shit. There's not a plan left. Thinking about it just made me wonder what your plans are."
"I thought you didn't want them so I never really thought about it. I don't have a strong wish. If you ask me right now I'd say no."
"Okay, that's clear," I say getting up and taking the empty plates with me. As soon as I put them on the counter he's behind me.
"You want children, don't you?"
"Like I said, I never really thought about it since I broke up with James."
"So you wanted children with James, but with me it seems what- impossible?" Harry says and I hate how he's getting upset. "I'm sorry I fucked up all your plans."
"Harry," I sigh. "It's not like that. I only wanted to know where you stand in it all."
"And now you are disappointed in me. I'm sorry I don't want kids but you have to say that the whole idea is quite laughable," he says and I turn around.
"Why so?"
"We just got back together," he says shaking his head as if I should know that. "And I don't find us the paternal types."
"You don't?"
I can't hide that I'm hurt.
I just spend the entire afternoon fantasizing about us as a family.
A little baby to take care off and nurture. Harry coming home in the evenings playing with our little boy or girl. Putting him or her to bed at night and sneaking in some moments alone. I even imagined our fights and how the subjects would change to our differences about raising our child or even children. I never expected him to suddenly want children, but since he has everything else together and grew as a person I wondered if he was more open to the idea now. Hearing him almost laugh at us as parents pains me.
"I mean, look at us. We just spend three days without a fight, you passing out and me coming in late from work. We're not ready. I'm not ready."
"That's something different than saying we're not paternal types."
"But we aren't," he says and he looks amazed that I don't see that. "We're still taking care of ourselves."
"You mean that you are taking care of me?"
He let's his head fall back in his neck already feeling the turn that our conversation is taking. "If you are referring to me thinking you need a babysitter or that I don't trust you, I thought we were passed that."
"Oh please, if it were that easy to get passed something, we'd never fight."
"Alex, all I'm trying to say is that I don't want children for now. I'm sorry if you want to be the first or whatever. It's not going to happen."
"That's not even what I am upset about," I try to explain. "I think you would be a great father. Not now, but maybe in a year when we've settled down. You make it sound as if we never will be able to raise children. As if I would be a terrible mother."
Harry closes his eyes for a moment and then places his hands on my waist. "Lex, I hope you don't get mad because I really don't want to fight again, but I don't think I want to have children anytime soon. Not now and not in a year."
"Okay," I say catching a breath. "I only wanted to know. Do you mind if I go to bed though? I have to start early at work."
I can see him doubting if he should continue talking about it or not, but he decides to let it go for now. Maybe he doesn't want to upset me further or maybe he's just tired of me, I don't know.
"Sure. Which job is this?"
"What do you think, Harry? That I have to start work early in a bar for students?"
"Oh yes. The shop then. Good, you'll do fine," he says and he kisses the tip of my nose.
I walk away not bothered by the dirty dishes or hot pan still on the table. I'm tired and need a moment alone. For a moment he stops me from walking away, grabbing my hand to pull me close.
"I love you," he whispers after another kiss, this time planted on my lips.
"Love you too," I say back and I mean it. So I even manage a little smile before he turns back his attention to his phone and I go to bed alone.