Alex
"How could you let this happen?" Harry's voice is loud and he's screaming at someone.
My eyes don't seem to function and my surroundings stay black or maybe my eyelids are still closed. I'm sure that my organs are fighting to get out of me, and I place my hands on my stomach as if that way I can keep them inside. Then Harry's voice reaches me again.
"She stopped drinking! She never told you? And here I was thinking you knew everything about her. For fuck's sake, Liam. She needs help, not this."
There's a silent before I hear Harry again. For some reason I don't hear the voice of Liam who he's clearly arguing with.
"Oh so she did tell you and you just choose to ignore it? What a fucking asshole you are."
"I ran out of battery."
"Don't you think I'd used a charger if there was one? Fucking idiot."
"Yes you are an idiot. You let her sleep so you could fuck your girlfriend, but she's fucking suffering from alcohol poisoning. She drank that whole bottle?"
"You don't know?"
"Oh for fuck's sake, Liam. She never ate at home. She drank on an empty stomach after not drinking for a month. She could have been in a coma!"
Harry keeps on screaming and the one sided conversation does make some sense. Then I hear a voice much closer to me and I jump a bit.
"Guys, she's waking up," a girl voice says and it must be Nina. I don't know her voice well enough to be sure.
Something wet is placed on my forehead and I'm finally able to open my eyes. Right in front of me is Harry staring at me with an unreadable expression. Next to him is Liam who looks like he cried and I'm surprised he's just as close since I didn't hear him speak. And I was right, Nina is close by, nurturing me.
"Well, at least it is not a coma," Liam whispers and this time I do hear him. Harry turns his attention back to him and if looks could kill, Liam would be dead right now. "Sorry," he mumbles but Harry only shakes his head and then crouches down in front of me.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like shit," I answer a bit stunned. "How long have I been out?"
"I don't know. Too long. Come, we're going," he says and I want to reach for his hand and get up, but realize I shouldn't move.
"I think it's best if I stay," I tell him and he looks hurt.
"Babe, I ran out of battery and had to finish this piece. I got home at nine thirty and I didn't want to bother you. But then Liam here called me just now that he couldn't wake you up. I'm sorry," he adds a bit softer. "It looked delicious."
"I want to go home, Harry. I'm just afraid I'll puke all over their carpet."
Something seems to dawn on him and he turns to Liam. "Can she stay?"
"We don't really have room," he says and again, Harry is plotting to murder him inside his head.
"She can sleep on the couch," Nina tells him. "We don't have much room, but the carpet is comfy. You can stay too."
"Well, your girlfriend is more helpful than you are," Harry says and I know he's fuming with Liam which is totally unfair.
"You are the one who lets her down, not me," Liam concludes and he leaves the room. Nina looks split between nurturing me and her other guest or going after Liam, but she stays and provides for blankets and pillows.
Not being able to do much action besides slouching down the couch, I let myself get tucked in. I close my eyes and let my arm fall over the side of the couch. Harry gets the hint and he draws circles on the sensitive skin on the inside of my arm until I fall asleep.
***
"Alex, wake up," Harry's voice is once again the one to wake me up from my sleep.
I look around the room at first not recognizing where I am. Then I feel my pounding head and slowly start to remember what happened. My eyes turn to Harry who looks broken and tired and guilt starts to sip in.
"I have to go," he says. "I can't keep coming in late because of you."
With his help I sit up straight. I still feel like puking but the lack of food inside of my body must be the reason I don't. Harry sits down next to me and I look around. I'm not sure if anyone else is awake. For a moment I wonder if Logan and Nina's brother showed up and watched me in this state. Shame falls over me like an uncomfortable blanket and my face starts to heat up. I behaved like a lunatic by drinking that bottle only to get rid of images that weren't happening- maybe never even happened at all. I should trust Harry, but there's this nagging feeling that makes it unable for me to truly do that.
"Sorry," I deadpan, tired of giving excuses. "You don't have to babysit me. Nor is that Liam's job by the way," I add remembering damn well how he yelled at him last night.
He sighs and leans his head in his hands to stare ahead of him. "Liam and I.. I try okay?"
"Like you are trying with me?"
"It is different with you. I love you and I don't want to lose you. Not again."
"Do you trust me?" I wonder and he seems to breathe difficult. "I know you threw away all the alcohol. You have a problem with Liam, still, while you said you didn't mind about the kiss only about the lying. Do you trust me?"
"I trust you," he says after a while. "I only wanted to help you by throwing it away. And I got mad at Liam because he shouldn't have let you out of his sight."
"I'm twenty-five, Harry. And Liam is his own person. He's not living and breathing to be there for me. And you should stop pitying me. That's what makes you so sweet and caring. You have everything together and I'm a shipwreck. It's bullshit."
"Why? I don't have it all together and I don't pity you. Can't I just be sweet and kind because I love you? Because it pains me so much to see you hurt? That I hurt you?"
"I don't know," I whisper and I want to explain to him my every feeling, but I don't know the words to describe my mind. I don't understand myself either. "I shouldn't have drank."
"Why did you? Because I didn't get home?"
"At first that's why I started to search, yes, but I could still decline it. But being here and not knowing where you were made me think things. This girl from the shop was involved and I wanted to black out. I can't stand my own mind then."
"And what are you afraid of? That your imagination comes true?"
"Yes," I answer feeling my lower lip tremble. "I'm afraid that you'll cheat. Get back at me and Liam or simply find someone with a perfect life, no problems and a stable job."
"I don't give a shit about that all," he says raising his voice. "Honestly, I don't know what else to say. I try so hard to make you feel how important you are to me with the little time I have. I want to understand you and help you get past your panic attacks and insecurities. I know I'm dick for telling you that you are more important than work and then standing you up but these things happen. That's life."
"And apparently I can't deal with 'life'."
We both stay silent as a guy walks in the room, half-naked and I recognize him. It's Logan and he's brushing his teeth not one bit bothered by us sitting on the couch in the middle of a crisis.
"Oh hi guys. You looked lovely last night. Falling asleep hand in hand. Good party?" He says standing still in the middle of the room, his toothbrush dripping on the carpet and his morning glory very obvious for the both of us to see.
"Great," Harry says the sarcasm thick in his voice. He then turns his attention back to me. "I'm catching a cab. Are you coming with me or do you want to speak to Liam?"
"Just go to your work Harry. I'll see you tonight."
"Sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I'll apologize to Liam from you."
He sighs and rolls his eyes, but kisses my cheek. "Are we okay?"
"Okay enough," I tell him.
"Watch out for that guy tough. I'm not sure if he's hitting on me or you with his dick out and about," he whispers in my ear and when he pulls away there's a small smile around his lips and around mine.
Harry stands up and Logan turns around from watching outside. "Leaving?"
"Yeah," Harry mumbles and I like how awkward he is around guys he doesn't know. He can behave like an utter dick like he did to Liam, but he also has a shyer side that I forget about sometimes. "Bye." He gives me one last look and then walks back to the front door to leave for his work.
"That the boyfriend?" Logan asks and I nod, pulling me feet up. "He looks lovely."
His comment makes me laugh especially after what Harry just told me. "He can be."
"If I'd know you were coming over I'd ask Liam to come to the pub. It was fucking boring there. "
"Where is this pub? I thought you said you live above it?"
"It's on the other side," he answers, still letting his toothbrush drip all over his own house. "Are you okay tough? You look like shit."
"Thanks." Logan has a way of speaking as if he has known me for years. He did in the car, letting on things no one else does after just meeting and he's doing it now. "For all you know this is my natural look."
"Nah, I can tell you are natural pretty. You can use the shower if that makes you feel better," he casually adds. He walks away then to maybe finally take care of his toothbrush, I don't know because he never returns.
Since I'm not sure what Liam's up to today and if he wants to speak to me, I decide just to steal one sandwich and head out. As I'm about to open the cabinets in search for food, Liam walks in, also only in his underwear which seems to be a thing here.
"Have you guys never heard of a bathrobe or pyjamas?" I wonder and he smiles.
"Logan taught me it is okay to hang it loose in the morning. You're used to it though. You have seen me shirtless more times than anyone else."
He looks at me for a moment and then starts to make breakfast for him and his girlfriend. "I hope I didn't freak out Nina?"
"She was actually better at it than me. You'd expect me to be professional and calm considering my job, but I lost all control when you didn't wake up."
"I'm sorry," I apologize and he shakes his head.
"Don't. It happens and Harry's right. I shouldn't have left you like that."
"Harry's a dick and I'm apologizing on his behalf as well."
"He can't help it. Ever since you told him we kissed he's been trying to act polite, but he finds it hard. I guess yesterday he finally had the chance to yell at me and he took it very seriously. Are you guys okay tough?"
"I think so," I say shrugging my shoulders. "He never showed up for dinner and it angered me. And I couldn't keep my mind off that bottle of wine and all I could see was Harry getting back at me and cheating and.."
"He's not going to do that," Liam says stopping me. He sounds sure, but how can he when he knows how easy it is to fuck up?
"That's the thing, you never know and it scares me. I can't stop drinking, I can't stop worrying. I just can't stop being the me I became because of him." Liam looks at me with pain written all over his face as I tell him my insecurities. He knows this all already but I don't speak about it much. Not even to him. "And here in London it all feels even worse than in Palas. There's nothing to keep my mind of things. To feel good about."
"Lex, you will find work, you and Harry will figure out how to live together here and get passed everything that happened, but only if you get yourself together."
"It's just hard here, in Palas I was independent. I was together there."
"You weren't though. We both needed each other and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with not being fine on your own. And it is okay if you aren't. You just have to accept it or you'll feel split between Palas and London. With being independent or with a boyfriend. You need to accept something or you'll be stuck in this limbo for forever."
"So you think that it is my fault?" I ask and I hope I don't sound judgemental. I'm really interested in his thinking.
"Not everything. But for the most part, yes. Harry is feeling better than ever. I warned you about that before you ever got back together. He's not the guy anymore who introduced you to partying and real love. He's a grown man, owning up to his mistakes with you, trying to make it work while also doing a job he loves. He's even in touch with his family. He tries to talk to me even though it is only about advice for you. He's not the guy he used to be, he grew in Palas and escaped it for a reason. Let's face it. We're still the same losers as we were there."
"You're not," I say thinking of how he's starting a whole new life here. For the rest he has a very valid point.
"It may look like that, but not much has changed for me."
"God Liam," I laugh as he's making a mixture for pancakes. "You have a job you like. You're earning money. You are together with a girl who looks perfect for you. Everything has changed for you! You are not living with your mother. You are not lying to her that I'm your girlfriend and you are finally over Rosie. I won't say nothing has changed for you."
"Yeah, well. If you put it like that. Do you want some pancakes?" He asks and I look to him nodding.
Not much later Nina enters the kitchen and I'm thankful that she doesn't start to ask questions about last night or how I am now. According to Logan you can read it off my face how I feel, but during the morning spent with them I think I'm starting to look better, because I feel better too. While Harry promised to help me find a job, one morning spent with them has gotten me two great opportunities for work.
The first one is at a 24-hour shop Nina works. It's relatively close by my house and easy to reach with the tube. It's not a difficult job and only for a few shifts a week. She's going to look in for me and it already makes me feel better. Nina is a nice girl, sweet and calm indeed. I wonder how she ever lasted with a guy like Pascal with an ego so big.
The second one comes from Logan and Nina's brother Dean. They both work at a bar that is on the other side of this building and is busy with students and tourists since it is close by a school and several hostels. Dean has finally found a job that fits his degree and is going to move out of the building soon. That means that hours will open up at the bar and they both are going to put in a good word for me.
When lunchtime comes around and both Logan and Dean get out of the way, I feel better than I did before. I've missed spending time with others and making some progress. After exchanging each other's phone numbers, I decide to leave and take a shower at home. Maybe give dinner with Harry another shot.
Liam walks me out and waits in the doorway for a moment. Then he pulls me in for a hug and whispers something in my ear that I take to heart.
"Don't ever ignore me again. I'm still your friend here and want to help."
"And you really did. Thank you, Liam. I think I will be fine from now on."