Alex
The moment we step inside the shop Pascal seems to know Harry has arrived and appears from the crowd like some Jesus. It is also the moment Harry let's go of my hand.
"You brought a customer?" Pascal says smiling to me.
"This is Alex, remember?" Harry frowns as he takes my coat to hang it. "I thought I'd bring her to show the shop. She is a tattoo fan after all."
Pascal's smile only fades a bit, the good actor he is. "Sure I remember you. You look great," he says leaning in to kiss me on my cheek. "Welcome."
He walks to the impromptu bar and shows me with his hand that there is a great variety of drinks. "Sprite," I say quick not even wanting to hear the names of whatever he has stocked. The sprite is probably used to mix drinks with so I get the reaction Pascal is giving me.
"We have wine or a beer if that's more you style," he speaks with clear disgust at the thought of a woman drinking beer and I almost want to order it just to shock him, but I only smile.
"She doesn't drink," Harry says. "And me neither for the night. Sorry mate."
Harry places his hand on my back and it feels like I can breathe properly when he's near me. "I've got your back," he whispers and it shocks my system so much that I could easily cry right now which is ridiculous, but I guess it pinpoints my state perfectly.
We both accept our drinks from Pascal and I smell it just to be sure there's nothing funny in it.
"So, how are you enjoying you stay here, Alex?" He makes it sound as if I'm only here for a week or so and I wonder if that's what he wants. I answer him in a way just so he knows I'm not going to return to Palas and am here for the long run.
"It's nice to be back home," I tell him. "Just trying to find a job."
"And how is that working out for you? Is there anything you're good at?"
I'm not sure if he's doing this on purpose or is just genuinely asking me, but I feel myself lock up. I never truly spoke to Pascal when Harry still lived with him because the whole vibe there made me uneasy. I'm not the type to party although my history in Palas makes it look otherwise. There I had a group of people to hang out with and only in my darkest days did I ever socialize with tourists. Only to fuck them and that didn't really take any work. Here, I'm out of my comfort zone and Pascal is making damn sure that it stays awkward.
"Not really," I say with a laugh although it is has been my biggest insecurity the past days.
In Palas I didn't really bother to start applying for jobs here because I thought it would be better to do it once I was back, but it is harder than I expected. The economy has gotten a little better than when I left England, but there's still not much work with or without qualifications. It only would make me feel better about myself if I did have diplomas to rely on. If only to rub it into people's faces like Pascal.
"Must be easy to have a rich boyfriend then," he laughs and I wonder if he's sarcastic or means it. I can't read him.
Harry's finger starts to make circles on my back as he must feel the tension radiating off of me.
"Alex was a great lifeguard. She served for almost five years," he says.
"But there's no sea here," Pascal feels the need to counter back.
"Still, she has great qualities that I'm sure she'll find something with," Harry defends me and I like the way he's sticking up for me although it also feels a bit patronizing.
"Well, I'll look around for you. If I ever see a lifeguard application, I'll let you know."
"Thanks," I say with a smile. My hands shake at the thought of alcohol right now, but I try to remind myself I only want to drink to make me feel better- it won't help in the end. It won't help Pascal being an asshole. "Can use all the help I can get."
"What have you been applying for?" Harry asks and my eyes go from Pascal to Harry, not sure how to answer without feeling even lower standing between a successful businessman and a successful artist. I know Harry doesn't care, but Pascal does. He's making that clear.
"Just store's, hotels, restaurants, bars. You know. The stuff I did before." As I say it I can already feel the boredom slip in at how lame it is going to be to go from a good lifeguard, to a medium waitress or cashier.
"You'll find something," Harry says sure of himself. "I'll help."
"Do you have a degree in anything?" Pascal asks and I wonder why he feels the need to just piss me off with everything he says.
"I have a gold-digger degree," I tell him blunt. "And you?"
"You got me there, girl," he says and the way he pronounces girl is so patronizing that I wish I could kick him in the balls right here, right now. "I don't have a degree either. I was only asking to see if there's something I can help you with. There's plenty of people here. You need to network!"
"Sure," I say with a sour smile and Harry tapes me on my back. "I will, thank you."
"You're welcome." He even smiles and I wonder if he believes me. "Just a moment."
He walks to the door behind us where two girls walk in. It means I can finally breathe again. I take the moment to look around the shop. The thing that I find most beautiful about it is the shiny wooden floor. If everyone inside wasn't full of tattoos and the neon, lighted words plastered against the wall wouldn't be there, you'd think it was a chic hotel. I like the way it looks, but I can't really enjoy it.
"You don't want to know how bad I want a drink right now," I tell Harry and he kisses my cheek softly. He's really affectionate and holding me close which I like. I had expected him to disappear in the crowd or introduce me to his colleagues to ditch me later, but for now he's sticking around.
"Pascal isn't always a dick," he says.
"So you agree he's acting awfully?"
"Kind off. Or maybe it is because he's talking to you."
"Are you feeling protective?" I taunt him and I move myself in front of him, holding the sides of his shirt. "You keep surprising me this night."
I want to kiss him on the lips, but a voice stops me. "Harry?" Someone wonders and we both turn to our left.
There's a girl or woman, I'm not sure if she's younger or older than me. She's beautiful that's for sure and she seems to know Harry. Her face is perfectly symmetrical and I'm pretty sure she is a model of some kind. She's wearing an even shorter dress than mine but somehow she gets away with it. For a moment Harry simply looks to her and he's only put to motion when she pushes away some dark hairs from her face.
"Hey," he says leaning in to kiss her on her cheek. As he does I move myself to stand by his side instead of in front of him.
"I see you two have met," Pascal says returning back. "If I'd known you'd bring Alex, I'd given the two of you some warning."
"You are the Alex?" The girl frowns to me and I nod. I'm slowly starting to realize what is happening and why it took Harry a moment to speak to her.
"This is Susie," Harry says, but I still don't understand why I should be given a warning.
"This is the girl you left me for?" Susie wonders and at first I'm not sure if I heard her right. But when Harry sighs and Pascal can't hide his grin, I know I heard her right.
"This is my girlfriend, yes," Harry manages to speak. I on the other hand feel anything like speaking. Instead I feel like puking or just stop breathing all together.
"Well, hello," she says dryly and I try to look at her, but I can't. I can only focus on the bar right in front of me. Beer, vodka, tequila. It doesn't really matter. Everything to make me feel less shit. A cigarette outside would be nice too. It definitely would help my breathing that is spiraling out of control.
"Susie and I met here," Harry tries to explain, but I really don't want to hear.
He knows I can't listen to his past. For a long while I didn't even want to know if he moved on. When he explained that he tried to find girls to replace me, but couldn't get as serious with anyone as he was with me, that was all the information I could handle. I never thought about who it could be and if they were still in his life.
"Yes," she goes on, not realizing that I don't want to hear this, but I'm glad that she changes the subject. "Well, you said that you'd be here tonight I need you to get your hands on me again."
She starts to explain what kind of tattoo she wants, lifting up her arm and I watch her body. She is absolutely beautiful and I can't keep my eyes of her. They start a conversation but I can't hear a word of it. There's only white noise fading out everything but the image of her and Harry.
Harry's hands touched her skin. He kissed her. He made love to her. He maybe even introduced her to his parents and for some reason that thought makes me open my mouth again.
"Did you visit his parents?" I blurt out, interrupting their surely interesting conversation about tattoos. I don't give a shit right now.
"Harry's?" She pauses and looks to Harry for a moment. I do too and his face has lost all colour. "Hmm yes. Multiple times. I'm sure you did too?"
It is the last straw and I let my glass fall to the ground. The sound of impact makes the whole crowd look to us as I want to attack this beautiful, dark haired girl but instead hit Harry's shoulder with my fist where I break down soon after. I don't even have the chance or desire to do something more as Pascal grabs my body. There's no power left inside of me anyway as he drags me outside and drops me to the ground.
"Out!" He spits.
I don't understand what else he's screaming at me. I hear Liam's name and Nina's and the word idiot. I can't make a sentence of it as my mind is out of control. It's been awhile since I've had a panic attack, but this is a big one. It is freezing outside, but my body feels hot and my skin is boiling. I want to take off my clothes, but also can't move. I can't get up or really comprehend what is happening but soon I feel Harry by my side, picking me up from the ground and settling me down on my two feet.
"Walk," he says.
"My coat," I manage to bring out. As if that's important.
"Just walk."
Somehow I manage to get to a taxi. I slide in the backseat while my body is still protesting. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have come. Visions of Harry and this girl keep clouding my mind and when Harry tries to hold me and calm me, I want to push him away. Yet I need him. So his arms stay around me tight as we drive home.
Once inside it seems as if I am able to breathe properly again. As if me and Harry are enough here and outside of our home we aren't. I'm not.
"I'm sorry," I say and then I burst out in tears again.
Harry doesn't leave my side as he holds me and carries me. He whispers things but his touch makes me unable to listen. I can only process one thing and it is him. He guides me to the bed and there he lays me down, takes off my shoes and my probably destroyed tights. I fold myself up to a ball and wait for Harry to join me. When I don't feel or hear him, I yell.
"Harry?!" The distress is clear in my voice as I look up from the pillow only to find him ready to undress himself next to the bed. "Please don't go."
He slides under the duvet without taking off his clothes and pulls me close. His lips softly graze the skin on my forehead where they stay.
"I'm not leaving. I'm never leaving you again."
Tears leave my eyes when he speaks and he makes them disappear with his fingers. Then I feel the circles on my cheek and they bring me into a deep sleep.