AHHHH ONLY ONE MORE CHAPTER AFTER THIS. I am freaking. out. I really REALLY hope you guys have enjoyed this story, because I have absolutely loved your comments, reactions and just writing it. So, thank you all so much for everything. And as I have mentioned for about the millionth time, please vote, comment and share! I just entered this in the Wattys, so anything would be appreciated. I love you all SO SO much.
xxv. Alec
I faced the entrance to the park. The tall metal archway, intertwined with strands of bright green ivy blooming with small white buds had never made me feel more sick to my stomach.
Breathe, I thought to myself. I forced the bated gusts of air in and out of my lungs. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore, not without Magnus. This past week, the entire date with Clarkson felt like some sort of twisted bad dream and I just needed so desperately to wake up.
I bit my lip and with one last exhale, strode towards the park, to the benches, hidden by large shrubs. The benches where Magnus and I told each other that we loved each other, where we had met after our first real argument. We had made up then, but would we now?
"Magnus?" I asked quietly. He seemed distracted, pacing back and forth as he held his fists to his mouth.
He quickly looked up from his trance and stopped, looking up at me with wide, glimmering eyes. "Alexan- I mean, Alec."
"No," I interrupted softly, closing the distance between us. "Alexander is fine."
I couldn't read him. He had once told me that I was more of an open book than I thought, but him? He kept his feelings closed off, sometimes more so than I did. He liked to pretend that nothing hurt him, that he was invincible, but I had seen it with my own eyes.
Magnus was at his breaking point. I could tell by the way he looked at me. Too many fractures in his stare and God, I never wanted anything as desperately as I wanted Magnus to be okay.
"I'm so glad you came," he smiled lightly, but it was quickly wiped away. I could tell he was nervous, too.
"I'm glad you called me," I said. "I thought that after the voicemail I had left," I trailed off, looking at him with sad eyes. "That it would be the end of all this. That we would part our separate ways."
I stopped, looking at him again. It hurt to do that, and I felt my throat beginning to choke up.
"Alexander," he said, slow, pronouncing every syllable carefully. "I want you to know that for me, there could never be an end. For us, I mean."
He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at the cement below us briefly. "You mean so much to me," he whispered faintly. "I could never-" his voice broke for a moment as he pierced his yellow-green eyes with mine. "I'm sorry. For everything. I should have told you about Camille, I know, but I never thought she would be a problem for us."
He took a deep breath. "Alexander, to tell you the truth, I bottle everything up. I guess it's a habit from when I was younger when my parents sent me away. I never had anyone to talk to, so I kept it inside and that's what I've been doing ever since.
"When I knew you still loved Jace, I felt like I wasn't and would never be enough for you. I should've said it earlier," he trailed off, rubbing his face with his hands. "I didn't want to do anything to make you leave, so I tried to forget about it." He chuckled, "So, I guess that plan completely backfired on me. And losing you was the worst thing that has ever happened to me."
He looked at me, hoping for me to say something. After all this time being angry at him for not telling me about his crazy ex-girlfriend, I had never really thought about how he felt about Jace. My stomach twirled in knots with guilt. Hurting Magnus was the last thing that I had intended to do.
"Magnus," I said. "I am so sorry." I meant every word. "I never wanted to lose you, ever. I hope you can believe me." I clenched my fists, turning away slightly. "I'm just so stupid sometimes," I growled, mainly to myself. "I ruin things. I ruin everything. And the last thing I wanted to do was ruin you."
"Alexander," Magnus cut in sharply. "Don't beat yourself up like this."
"I'm sorry I kissed Jace," I mumbled, too ashamed to face him. "I guess I only did it to prove to myself that I loved you. Only you. It meant absolutely nothing. But I wished it never happened."
"Hey," Magnus said gently, cupping my face with one hand. "No matter how badly we wish to go back, there's no way to change the past. We can only move forward."
"I don't deserve you," I told him forcefully. "You deserve so much better. So much better than me."
"Alexander," Magnus said, his voice low and gravelly. "Every morning when we were together, I would wake up, thinking about how lucky I was to have you, even though I knew I would never be enough."
"That's ridiculous," I told him, a hint of a smile on my face. "Anyone would be lucky to have you."
Magnus sighed, looking up at me with wide eyes. His hand fell from my face to my chest, landing right above my heart. I was sure that it was about to beat right out of my chest at any moment. "That's the problem," he said. "Because the only one I want to be with is standing right in front of me."
"I love you," I blurted out. "I've been laying in my bed all week, too sad to do anything. I never wanted to go on a date with that asshole. I only did it to get Clary off my back. Magnus, you're the only person I can even imagine wanting to be with."
I sighed, trembling slightly. I could feel his pulse as I grasped his free hand with mine, his other hand resting steadily on my chest. "Magnus," I pleaded. "I love you."
"Alexander," he whispered, resting his head in the crook of my neck. His breath left my exposed skin hot. "I love you, too."
We stood there, feeling the warmth of each other and I held him tightly against my chest.
"I will never let you go again," I said, burying my face in his spiky black hair, savoring the smell of his cologne that I hadn't even realized I'd missed. "Magnus Bane, I swear to you, I will not."
"I'll be good for you, Alec. I promise," he smiled against my neck, which sent shivers down my spine. "Because, Alexander Lightwood, I will never leave you."
I pulled away, looking at him. "Are we alright?" I asked.
He contemplated the question. "No," he said, pulling on the collar of my black jacket. "But," he smiled, "I know we will be."
With that, I pressed my lips against his, softly at first, but then more passionately. His hands moved from my collar to my jaw. I felt the cool metal from his rings pressing into my cheek. My hands rested on his waist.
"Alec," he said as he pulled his lips from mine, the taste of spearmint still on my lips. Our foreheads touched and our breath mixed together. "I think I've told you this before."
"What?"
"I love you," he said, breathing fast. "I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much I love you." His eyes met mine, his eyelashes casting long shadows down his cheekbones. Specks of glitter still clung to parts of his face and the light from the streetlamps reflected them."I am completely and utterly in love with everything about you."
I grinned, for the first time in a while. "I love you," I said back, pulling his waist closer to mine, holding on to his hips tightly. "I love you," I mumbled again, kissing him fiercely. "I love you so much."
I kept whispering the phrase as I planted kisses from his lips to his neck.
"Alec," Magnus giggled, shivering as I kissed his collarbone. "I have to ask you something."
"Hm?" I asked, preoccupied.
"Would you do me the honor of being my boyfriend?" He smiled. "Again?"
I grinned, staring at him. No other moment in my life felt as good as right here, right now.
"Well, Magnus," I smirked. "I think I would love that."