Alana's point of view
Do you ever look at your self in the mirror and wonder,what am I doing with my life?
Or what's the purpose of me even existing?
And the question that scares me the most,if I were to be gone...Would anyone even miss me?
It's been a month since I broke up with Shawn. I'm still a mess.Usually with each day that passes people heal from their heartbreaks...I'm only falling even more apart with each day that passes by.I can't help but wonder why even after I unblocked his number he didn't call.
I can't seem to find the energy or motivation to get up this damn couch and actually do something other than cry.I've been watching this terrible tv program for hours now,I hate it but I can't even move my arms to grab the tv remote and change it.
I heard the front door open,but I could not care less.I had become as a lifeless person,I had lost my will to live.I know that sounds stupid and I know that you may think I'm better and stronger than this.
I thought like that too
Suddenly the door flew open,followed by a bang as it hit the wall.Skylar stood there,wearing a white shirt with a pair of shorts.She turned the light on which made me close my eyes-"What the fuck Alana! Where the fuck is your phone? I've been trying to call you for days now.You know how it works right? When someone calls, you, fucking swipe your finger to the right and answer"-she yelled furiously-"And what's with the depressive environment?"
I hadn't charged my phone at all this week.I didn't need more hate comments and tweets popping up my screen
"It's nice to see you too Skylar"-I said as she entered the room and took a look at me
"God Alana you look like shit"-Skylar said and I rolled my eyes-"For heavens sake have you ever heard of a thing called shower? You stink! And your hair looks like a bird nest,I'm surprised any bird hasn't made its eggs in there"
"Yeah Sky cause that's what everyone wants to hear,thanks"
"It might not be what you want to hear.But believe me,it's definitely what you need to hear.I'm just being honest with you"-She shrugged-"When was the last time you actually ate something?"
I breathed in-"I don't know"
"You've lost weight"-She noticed-"You can't keep doing this"
"Do what?"
"This"-She motioned her hands towards my body-"You should take better care of yourself."
"Well I'm sorry I don't have an on/off switch for my feelings"-I said bitterly-"I'm falling apart without him"
"Then get back with him"
Oh Skylar.If only it was that easy as you say.
"I can't"-I shook my head-"I'm too late.He's already moved on"
She scrunched up her eyebrows in confusion-"What? Who the hell told you that?"
I sighed-"The internet.You know,when you date an artist it's not hard to find updates on his fan pages"
"Okay"-she nodded as she pulled her lower lip between her teeth,she was thinking about something-"How do you know that he's already moved on?"
"He was spotted with another girl in LA a couple of weeks ago"-I explained her-"In a bar"
She shook her head laughing-"God Alana.Shawn wasn't on a date that night"
"What do you mean?"
"The girl he was seen with,her name is Emily.She was supposed to be your wedding planner.Shawn wanted to surprise you so he set up a meeting with her at the bar.She flew all the way from London to be there so Shawn went out with her for a drink so he could explain that your wedding is on hold at the moment.That boy absolutely loves you.He's been to the apartment a couple of times to look for you."
My heart fluttered.Stupid,stupid heart.You're willing to get yourself broken again.
"Then why didn't he call after I unblocked him?"-I asked her as I got on my feet
"He didn't call?"-She seemed surprised-"You're both idiots"-she concluded-"And miserable without each other"-she added shortly after-"Okay don't get mad"
I already knew I was going to
"Skylar,tell me"
"James"-she spoke looking down at her hands-"He lied to Shawn and told him that you have been talking to him every day ever since you and Shawn broke up. He told Shawn that you didn't want to see him or hear from him ever again .That you're happy without him.He also told him that you deserve better than coming back to an empty house because Shawn is on the other side of the world touring"
I closed my eyes and took in a short breath
"And he believed him?"- I questioned unable to process what she had just told me
"I never thought that he actually would believe what James said"-She admits-"I told him not to,but I guess he thought he was doing the right thing for you"
I wiped my tears away-"He doesn't get to decide what's right for me.He doesn't get to decide for me wether our engagement ends here. I'm not gonna let that happen"
Skylar smiled-"Then what are you waiting for ? A little bird told me that Shawn is having a concert tonight here in New York.But I suggest you take a shower first"
I nodded-"I have something to do first.Can I borrow your phone for a minute?"
She gave me her phone and I dialed his number.After a couple of beeps he answered-"Hello?"
"You fucking bastard!"
"Alana? Calm-"
"Don't tell me what to do you fucking asshole! You really thought I wouldn't find out James? That you lied to Shawn about everything? Listen to me and listen good you fucking idiot,I am going to kill you.Help me god James I am going to rip you to shreds and feed you to the dogs.I've been in such pain for the last 4 weeks and now I find out you've been behind this the whole time? You better pack on your stuff and leave somewhere I can't find you.You have no idea what I'm capable of,so I suggest you get the hell out of my life before I make you do so.Do you hear me?"
His voice was shaky as he responded-"Y-Yes"
"Good"
I hung up and handed Skylar her phone back. The worst betrayal comes from the ones we trust the most.I trusted the wrong person and the consequences I had to bare were far too much of a weight to lift for my already cracked heart. I intended on making things right.I intended to get my life back.I plugged my phone in the charger and ran to the bathroom.I let my muscles relax as I ran my fingers through my hair to spread out the shampoo. Rubbing my body with a sponge,I couldn't help but be scared of rejection.What if Shawn doesn't want anything to do with me?
I stepped out the shower and blow dried my hair.I straightened them and put on some concealer to cover the dark bags underneath my eyes.I applied some mascara and lip balm before running out the bathroom and up to my room.I put on a pair of jeans with a white shirt.The sleeves of the shirt hung up perfectly on my elbow.I made sure to smell good before going back downstairs and grabbing my phone.I dragged Skylar out the house-"Come on,drive"-I threw my car keys at her as I entered the car.
"I've been your best friend for as long as I can remember...I've never seen you as mad as you were when you talked to James "-She confessed-"You scared the shit out of him..And me"
"Never cross a Dayes"-I shrugged as I dialed Shawns number.Dammit.He's probably blocked my number
Who else can I call?
I got it. I dialed the number and waited impatiently until he answered-"Andrew Gertler,how may I help you ?"
I let out a sight of relief-"Andrew,hi.It's Alana"
"Oh no"-he breathed out.Rude
"Oh Gerty,you know you're happy to hear from me"-I chuckled-"I need to talk to Shawn"
"Going straight to the point,huh? I'm happy Alana,but Shawn can't talk to you.He's rehearsing right now,besides he blocked your number and warned me that you'd call me asking for him"
I rolled my eyes-"Of course he did.Andrew I really need to talk to him"
"He also mentioned that you're very stubborn"
"Please?"-I asked-"Andrew I've been going nuts without him.I just need to talk to him,explain and sort out our problems,hopefully"
"Fine.Come by the arena,I'll be waiting outside for you.Don't make me regret this"-he warned me and I smiled-"Just go and try to fix his broken heart will ya"
"Of course"
I hung up and turned to Skylar-"Thank you Skylar"
"What are friends for?"-she smiled and cleared her throat-"So,what are you planning on telling him"
I thought for a couple of seconds before I blurted out-"I need a rose"
Skylar looked confused but didn't question anything as she pulled out to a flower shop.I picked up one dark red rose and went back to the car.The way to the arena had my head filled with questions.Questions to which I didn't know the answer.
"Good luck"-Skylar said as she stopped the car.I gave her a hug and opened the car door.As promised,Andrew was waiting for me.I walked over to him
"Alana"-he gave me a hug-"You know...He is really heart broken"
"So am I"-I said as we entered the arena,walking past the fans who were waiting outside.Andrew walked me to the empty arena and I could hear Shawn rehearsing down the corridor.
"Do you want me to come with you?"-Andrew asked and I shook my head .
"I have to do this on my own.Thank you Andrew"
"You're naming your first child after me"-he sang playfully as he walked away-"Andrew the second.Very posh don't you agree?"
I chuckled-"Totally"
I took in a deep breath as I entered the venue and sat down on a seat,among the thousands of empty seats in the arena.
But when she's with him, she seems happier
And I don't want to take that away
He's singing so passionately like always.But there was something different.He was singing the lyrics from the bottom of his heart,almost as if he meant them.And then it hit me.Eventhough he had written this song a couple of months ago,it suited our situation perfectly.It was as if he was singing those words to me
How many times can I see your face?
How many times will you walk away?
I just have to let you know
I'm not tryna start a fire, with this flame
But I'm worried that your heart might feel the same
And I have to be honest with you baby
Tell me if I'm wrong, and this is crazy
But I got you this rose
And I need to know
Will you let it die or let it grow?
Die or let it go?
I clapped my hands,his attention turned to me immediately.He opened his mouth to speak,but no words came out.He shut his mouth and left his guitar down.His band were still standing there
"Shawn,we'll give you guys some privacy"-Zubin said as he left his guitar down too.
"Yeah,we'll be backstage"-Mike added as they left.Shawn nodded to them as Mike patted his back.After they left Shawn turned to me,still not moving from the stage.I held even tighter the rose I was hiding behind my back
"What are you doing here?"-he finally said-"How the hell did you even get in?"
"Andrew"-I explained and he chuckled bitterly
"Of course.You managed to convince him eventho I told him not to let you in"-he shook his head-"Stubborn as always I see"
"A person can't change much in a month,now can she"-I replied clearing my throat
"I don't want you here"-he said shortly after.I would lie if I said it didn't hurt.I fought back the tears and spoke again
"We both know that's a lie"-I said as I climbed up the stage and walked towards him until we were only a couple of centimeters apart-"And we both know,you're a terrible liar"
He nods-"Fair enough.What do you want Alana?"
You
"I want to talk"
"You're a little late"-he said crossing his arms onto his chest
"Are you seeing someone new?"-I asked him and his eyebrows scrunched in confusion
"What? No"-he said quickly
"Well then.I'm still in time.Can we talk Shawn,please?"
He finally gave in-"Fine.Start talking"
I gave him a smile,my heart warming up as I realized I had achieved what I wanted.A part of it at least.Getting him back was the real goal,that If I didn't achieve,would ruin me eternally.