The night was restless. Jungkook spent most of it curled into a ball facing the window, looking out at the cloudy night time sky. At one time he used to think that skies like this represented him well—scattered stars, grey clouds, a dark backdrop. But now... Now he thought there were too many stars and not enough clouds for it to accurately represent who he had become.
Jungkook took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He didn't know what time it was, but he knew it was late. Too late. Even if he were to fall asleep right away (which was highly unlikely) he would only get about three hours of sleep, and even then it would likely be unsatisfying.
Truth be told, every night wasn't this bad. Most of the time he tossed and turned for a couple of hours, or maybe got woken up by a bad dream—a nightmare. He knew why he couldn't sleep tonight, he knew that the thoughts that were racing through his head wouldn't stop until he convinced his parents that he was perfectly okay and didn't need a therapist.
Weak, pathetic. Control your emotions, Jungkook. Control them.
But he never could. And each day he woke up, skipped breakfast, suffered through school by hiding in bathrooms, then came home and listened to his parents complain about him, about how he went from an amazing artist and an outgoing friend to this shell of a person.
Jungkook squeezed his eyes tighter to fight the burning. He could convince them. He didn't need help. He didn't need anything but himself. He could fix it. All he needed was to work through it, and to get better each day. It would work.
It had to work.
><
Jungkook didn't sleep that night. He spent it trying to come up with a plan to make things better, to make himself appear better, so that his mom might cancel the therapist appointment that was a mere five days away. Step one was smile more.
But as he sat at his desk at school, he felt like his classmates were staring at him. He was making such an effort to appear bright, happy like them, but he felt like he was just calling attention to himself, like their gazes were burning a hole into the back of his head.
Not to mention the sound of the teacher droning on and on and on was a lullaby of sorts, and his eyes were slowly drifting shut. Trying to chase away shadows while falling asleep wasn't the easiest thing to do, but he fought to keep himself awake. Falling asleep would only bring more attention to himself and that was one thing he wanted to avoid.
At lunch, it was much of the same thing. Taheyung was sitting across from him, tray of food in front of him. He was currently about to shove two carrots up his nose, for humor affect, Jungkook guessed. But Taehyung kept casting worried glances in his direction as Jungkook pushed the food around his tray with a disinterested and hollow look.
Lunches were often just the two of them at a table by themselves. The one time someone tried to join them, either Taehyung had scared them away or they got bored by the lack of conversation. Taheyung wasn't a quiet person, but when he was studying something the look in his eyes changed and his words slowed down. And he was often studying Jungkook, searching his face, his eyes, worry painting his features. Taehyung wasn't as dense as a lot of people thought.
Jungkook was just so tired. He felt so heavy. When he first saw Taehyung and tried to smile, it was like there were weights on his cheeks. It was so much of an effort that he was sure it turned out like a grimace.
Jungkook forced a spoonful of food into his mouth and slowly chewed.
"Are you okay?" Taehyung asked, carrots on his plate where they belong, not up his nose, thankfully. Jungkook, rather than shrugging like he did every other time this question was asked, looked up, and attempted another smile.
"Yeah, I feel fine." Jungkook said. Taehyung's eyebrows drew together as Jungkook's smile fell. It lasted for a few seconds, not long enough to be convincing. It was just too hard. He could feel it sapping what little energy he had. Thankfully, at least, he hadn't had to hide in the bathroom yet. He was sure it would happen, but for now, he had been okay.
Well not really okay, but managing.
"Grandma wants to know if you want to eat dinner with us." Taehyung said, picking up his spoon to eat like a normal person. Not that he was normal, Jungkook was pretty sure he was an alien but never voiced his theory to his friend.
Jungkook looked down at his plate. His room was his safe place, where he could hide from the world, but going to Taehyung's meant avoiding his parents and showing them that he was stable enough to socialize. It could prove something to them. It could make them see that he was just fine and getting better on his own.
"I'd love to."
But Jungkook would hate seeing some of Taehyung's grandmother's food go to waste. She made such amazing food that danced on the tongue and delighted the senses; Jungkook wondered if he could stomach it. He hoped he could. He wanted to.
"I told her you hadn't been eating," Taehyung said. Jungkook pushed the sharp stab of irritation deep down. "and she wants to cook your favorite food."
Jungkook's hand had stilled, no longer pushing the food around on his tray, and every thought that went through his head was poisonous. Why does Taehyung tell everyone I'm not eating? Why can't he keep it to himself? Why does he have to let people know that I'm not normal?
"Why," Jungkook put the spoon down on his tray. "do you feel the need to tell everyone that I'm not eating? I'll eat when I want to, when I feel like it."
Taehyung, to his credit, didn't flinch or backdown at the abrasiveness in Jungkook's voice. He merely slowly put his own spoon down, his face a wall of stone. But not even a split second later that stone split, and pure concern shined through. It made Jungkook nauseous.
"I just want to know what's going through your head, that's all. I want you to eat well." Taehyung said, his deep voice quiet in the loud chatter of the cafeteria, so quiet Jungkook nearly had to strain to hear him.
Shut up, Jungkook. He told himself, Don't push away the one friend you have. He's just worried.
"Okay." Jungkook picked his spoon back up, but didn't eat. "I'll try."
A smile split across Taehyung's face. "That's good, trying is good."
The hope in his voice cracked something in Jungkook. Trying to improve himself was one thing, telling people that he was trying was a completely different thing. What if... What if he failed? How hurt would Taehyung be if Jungkook couldn't eat at the dinner that night? How much more worried would he get?
A kind person like Taehyung shouldn't spare any feelings for someone as broken as Jungkook.
Taehyung went back to eating his lunch, this time a slight upward curve to his lips, a new vigor to his body. How could one sentence change someone's feelings so much? How could the fact that Jungkook was trying make him so... Happy? No, that wasn't the word. It just seemed like there was less weight on his shoulders.
Jungkook stood, grabbing his tray as he left his seat. "I'm going to get to class early to study."
He couldn't handle looking at Taehyung's hopeful face, but he hated watching as his smile faltered and his hands slowed to a stop. He didn't fight Jungkook, as much as he seemed to want to.
"Okay. Do you want me to go with you?"
They had many of the same classes together, so this question hadn't surprised Jungkook. But when he glanced down and saw his friend's barely eaten lunch, he shook his head.
"I want to study alone. It's easier to concentrate that way."
Taehyung seemed to hesitate, as if he wasn't sure he should let Jungkook leave by himself with so little of his lunch eaten. Jungkook had only eaten three or four bites, but that was three or four more bites than yesterday. Taehyung seemed to be weighing this, the smiles, the attempts to seem better... Eventually, his lips set into a line as he said,
"Okay."
Jungkook didn't waste time turning on his heel and leaving the room, throwing his tray of food in the trash with guilt settling into his stomach. So much money spent to feed someone like him, especially when he wasn't finishing it.
What a waste.
><
The rest of school went by relatively peacefully.
That is, considering how Jungkook's days normally go, this one was meh instead of bleh. He hadn't gone the day without having to retreat somewhere though, as much as he wanted to stay strong.
The whole situation seemed ridiculous to Jungkook, his reaction so over the top, so needless.
A girl had approached him. He couldn't remember her features because they had been blurred in his mind, either from the nerves or a subconscious attempt to stave the nerves, he didn't know. But he did remember that she was holding three books and a blue pen.
"Hey..." She had said. Her voice sounded far away, muddled. "You're Jungkook, right?"
Jungkook remembered dimly nodding as he stared down at the scuff marks on his timberlands.
"Everyone says you're good at chemistry," Lies. "so I was wondering if you could help me study."
Jungkook wasn't the best student in class; there were other people she could have asked. He had known this, had wondered what she was doing, why she was doing it, if she had been bullied into doing this. Maybe she'd been doing it out of pity. Jungkook didn't know.
Jungkook shook his head and made to walk around her. It had probably been a bet with her friends: "Oh, if you can get that emo shit Jungkook to tutor you we'll pay you."
But as he was almost out of her reach, her hand shot out and grabbed his arm. He jumped as if he'd been burned, wrenching out of her grasp. Her grip had been a little tight, so her nails scraped against his arm, leaving slight red marks where her fingers had been.
"I'm sorry," She had said, shaking her head. "You just look so pale. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine." But Jungkook's voice had been breathy, unconvincing. His heart wasn't steady, as much as he willed it to be; his mind wouldn't stop racing, as much as he wanted it to stop. He just didn't like strangers, and he didn't like strangers talking to him, asking him to do things. It made him nervous.
"Do you want me to get Taehyung?" She asked. Her voice was getting further and further away.
"No, I'm fine." Jungkook said, starting to walk towards the end of the hall, towards his next class. He didn't want to ask how she knew Taehyung was his only friend, and he wasn't quite sure he wanted to know. He just wanted to survive his classes so he could get home.
But then she had done something that triggered his nerves, something he couldn't help, and he hated it so, so much.
"Jungkook!" She yelled across the hall, and he swore he could feel the eyes of everyone there turn towards him. He could feel it crawling over his skin. "Will you at least consider my offer?"
Offer. When she had put it like that, it left everyone to their imaginations. Rumors would spread, right? That was all Jungkook could think about. It raced through his mind as the chatter in the hallway resumed, and he swore the muffled whispers snaked among the talk were about him.
He had spent the rest of that block in the bathroom, too scared to show his face, too scared of the fact that he could be confronted about it, judged about it, or bullied.
He knew he had overreacted, that he was a pathetic coward, but... He just couldn't bring himself to leave the isolation of the bathroom.
Jungkook released a long breath as he finally got home, the smell of his mother cooking dinner filling his nose as the memory dissipated into the shadowy recesses of his mind. He felt the warmth of the house chase away the chill of winter.
"I'm home." He said. When his mother stepped out of the kitchen and into the hallway he had to walk through to get to the stairs, a bright smile on her face, a few brown strands of hair escaping her ponytail.
"How was school?"
He ignored the question as he walked past her. "I'll be eating dinner at Taehyung's."
"You could've asked, Jeon." She said, but he didn't stop walking. He needed to get to his room, even if it was just for five minutes so he could have some peace. He hated, hated, looking at his mother's face when it was so bright, so hopeful. He couldn't stomach it, the same way he couldn't handle the way Taehyung had looked at him.
It was because, no matter how hard he wanted it or how hard he tried, he knew he would fail.
"I'm sorry." He muttered as he turned and went up the stairs. The house they had wasn't small—actually, it was a fairly decent size, but his parents always wanted more. More for him, more for Jung-hyun—just more, as if they could replace sadness with material possessions and somehow get happiness.
He heard his mom let out a sigh and walk back into the kitchen. He felt bad, but he also felt so overwhelmingly tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Sometimes he wished people would take the feelings away. The good, the bad... Everything.
Jungkook shook his head as he reached the top of the stairs. Whenever he entered that self-destructive mindset, it consumed him. It took him hours to get out of it, and even then it lingered the next day, and the day after.
Ignoring the picture frames that lined the walls, he glanced into his brother's room. As usual, Jung-hyun was there studying things he learned that day. Normally, or rather, last year, Jungkook would've helped him. They would've studied together.
But now, that felt like a distant dream as he opened the door to his room, and entered his own realm of seclusion.
His room, his safe place, was relatively clean. Or at least to him it was. His low-sitting bed was in the corner next to the window that had red curtains, and a desk sat near the foot of the bed with various drawing pencils scattered across it. A box was on top of it, the inside sectioned off to sort his other art supplies: markers, colored pencils, inking pens, charcoal, etc.
Most of his clothes were in his closet, but he did have a small dresser that sat near his desk. It was black with about eight drawers, each one either crammed with underwear, socks, or random loose items that he couldn't be bothered to find a place for.
Jungkook shut the door behind him as he dropped his bag in the floor, the thud loud enough to remind him that he had an enormous pile of homework to do. He ignored that, however, and laid down in his bed, letting out a sigh that helped every single one of his muscles relax.
With his mom busy cooking dinner, his dad at work, and his brother studying, he knew he wouldn't be bothered. It would be so easy to rest, to sleep for as long as he possibly could while the nerves were at bay. So, he let his eyes drift shut, sleep pulling at him, dragging him under a warm blanket of comfort...
And after what felt like mere seconds his phone went off, startling him. His eyes flew open, heart palpitating before he could register what exactly had happened. When he reached into the pocket of his hoodie, rolling over onto one shoulder so he could do so, his fingers wrapped around the phone as it went off once again.
When he pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the string of messages he had from Taehyung, his eyes widened. He was so focused on sleep, the one moment of relief he had found, that he had completely forgotten about the dinner with Taehyung and his grandmother.
6:02 PM
Taehyungie~ — where are you? Didn't we agree on five-thirty?
Taehyungie~ — it's six now.
6:14 PM
Taehyungie~ — I'm worried, Jungkook are you okay?
Taehyungie~ — Grandma has dinner ready
Taehyungie~ — we're going to start dinner in five minutes. It's up to you if you're here or not.
Jungkook looked at the time on his phone: 6:16 PM. With a muffled curse, he stood, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and nearly sprinted out of his room and down the stairs. His mom had nearly finished cooking, his brother sitting at the kitchen table, a book opened in front of him. At the sound of Jungkook's footsteps they looked up, calling his name, but he kept running.
Outside, the air was cold, piercing through the thin hoodie, but Taehyung was his neighbor and it would take mere moments to be on his front steps. Jungkook's breath came out in a cloudy wisp, each inhale sharp. It wasn't that he was out of shape, but exercising was far too much work. Plus, because of the winter, the sun wasn't out for very long—even as he was running to Tae's house the streets were dark—and the little bit of time he would have had to exercise was taken up by school and his studies and trying not to lose his mind.
After Jungkook climbed the steps to Taehyung's house, he took a moment to take a deep breath and steady himself. A dinner. He would be going to a dinner. He would make polite conversation with Taehyung's grandmother, and he would eat a good dinner. He could do this. It was not hard.
He raised his fist to knock, and hesitated. He hated himself for it, but he still hesitated. He saw all of the pros, every single benefit of going in there and simply eating dinner with his friend, but he really, really wanted to just go home. This would take all of his energy, it would take everything out of him. There was a chance of him disappointing Taehyung, and Jungkook didn't want to risk hurting him.
If he turned around and left, could he say it was to protect his friend? To keep his friend from being hurt? Or would not going have a more profound, negative effect on Taehyung?
Jungkook chewed on the inside of his cheek, his fist still hovering just above the door, his knuckles brushing the cold wood.
Maybe he should just—
The door was pulled open, revealing a smiling Taehyung. Jungkook slowly lowered his hand, swallowing thickly.
"I thought you wouldn't come," Taehyung reached forward, that same box smile on his face, and grabbed Jungkook's wrist. Jungkook was sure his heart could be heard—no, not his heart, but he was sure the uneasiness in his stomach was expressed on his face. But Taehyung didn't seem to be seeing Jungkook, at least not the way Jungkook actually was.
Taehyung pulled on Jungkook's wrist, slightly, the nighttime stars reflecting in his eyes. "Let's go, Grandma is waiting on us."
><><><><><><><><><>
An:
Thanks for the support! I really appreciate it.
I was actually falling asleep while writing this so goodnight