NOTE:
CAN U HEAR ME SCREAMING LIKE SKSBDKSND FOK ANG KYOT KASI NI MEMENGYU SA MM POTUGHTO- kbye.
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"'Ma, sure kang bago yung ilaw sa lampshade ko? " Mingyu asked as he carefully mince some garlic and cube some onions for their lunch. Kasama niya ang nanay niya na magprepare ng ingredients. "Alam mo ang kulit mo rin eh," Winisikan siya nito ng tubig sa bandang mukha na agad namang hinarangan ni Mingyu ng chopping board (kahit hindi naman siya natago nito). "Sabi nang bago eh, kapapalit lang ng kuya mo no'n."
"Eh kasi naman 'ma, hindi ko na makita mga sinusulat ko tuwing gabi, ang labo-labo naman ng binili niyong ilaw. Ano ba yun, peke?" he complained. Nagkunwari pa itong nagdadabog.
"Yan kasi. Siguro naapektuhan yang utak mo nung nadulas ka bago ka pa makapasok sa loob ng court," his mother joked. Kamakailan kasi e nadulas si Gyu at nahimatay nung tumama ang ulo niya sa sahig bago pa makapaglaro ng basketball kasama sina Seungcheol. She was just joking, pero biglang napaisip si Mingyu. Baka naapektuhan talaga utak ko?
"Eomma, huwag ka namang manakot! May tililing na nga si kuya, tapos isusunod mo pa ako- ARAY!" he exclaimed after his mother poked his head with a spatula. "Napakasama mo rin sa kuya mo ano? Huwag kang mag-alala, hindi ka matutulad sa kanya kasi dati ka ng ganyan." Mingyu gave her a pout, agad namang sinangsangan ng nanay niya ng bawang ang bunganga niya. "Pwe! 'Ma kadiri ka!" He removed it from his tongue. Ugh, ang pangit ng lasa.
"Sus, makapagsalita kala mo naman ang linis mo. Pinapahid mo nga sa iba yang kamay mo na binahingan mo eh," nanlaki ang mata ni Gyu. PAANO NIYA NALAMAN?! But, oh well. "At least may pinagmanahan pala ako, alam ko na ngayon na hindi ako ampon," he smiled at his mom with victory showing on his face. All these years kasi e sinasabihan siya ng kuya at nanay niya ng ampon because he has a dark skin and he is exceptionally tall, but all of them knows that's just the way family jokes with each other.
Ginisa ng nanay niya ang sibuyas, kamatis at bawang. Mingyu cut the vegetables but as he was silently cutting it, his mother interrupted. " 'Nga pala, yung ninang mo nakita ko kanina pagbili ko ng gulay. Sabi niya ang snob mo daw kahit hindi ka naman ganon, care to explain?" Mingyu was confused, what the heck is his mother saying? Agad na nagsalita anb nanay niya bagonpa siya makapagtanong. "Um, kasi nakita ka daw niya sa plaza kahapon, bumili ka daw ng duyan, at kinawayan ka pa daw niya pero hindi mo daw siya pinansin kahit tumingin ka sa direksyon niya," his mother explained. Pinilit alalahanin ni Mingyu.
Oo, pumunta siya ng plaza kahapon. Oo, bumili siya ng duyan (na para sa Christmas lighting event). But he clearly remembers that no one waved at him. Wala siyang nakasalubong na ninang sa plaza.
"Luh siya. Baka kamukha ko lang nakita ni ninang okaya baka sa sobrang gwapo ng anak niyong ito e naghahallucinate na si-" he was still boasting when his mother hit him with the spoon she's holding. Napahawak si Mingyu sa kanyang braso dahil sa lakas ng pagkakahampas nito sa kanya. "Alam mo 'ma, irereport na kita, child abuse ka po," he threatened her and pouted at her. His mother imitated him.
"Psh, bakit child ka ba? Alam kong maliit yang ano mo pero hindi ka na child," pang-aasar pa ng nanay niya. She stick out her tongue, pahabol lang. They were like children. Namula si Mingyu dahil sa topic. "YAH! HINDI YAN TOTOO 'MA! ABOVE AVERAGE AKO-AISH AYOKO NA NGA, TUTUNGANGA NALANG ULI AKO SA TAAS-" Once again, he was hitted, by a fork this time.
"Hep, huwag mong tatakasan ang gawain mo boy, baka gusto mong magutom ngayong araw." She threatened him. Ugh, si eomma talaga. She's really good at handling him.
Mula sa pagiging palabiro ng dalawa, bigla silang sumeryoso. Tahimik lang silang dalawa na ginagawa ang kani-kanilang gawain. While sweeping in the living room, Mingyu thought, lumalabo na ata ang mata ko. He squeezed them close and open them, then squeeze it again.
"Malabo na ata mata ko, Eomma." He blurted out of the blue. "Hindi kaya dahil dito kaya hindi ko nakita si ninang?" He assumed.
His mom gave him a knowing look. "Mukhang seryoso ka ah." She said. "Sige pa-check tayo bago magpasko."
---
The original plan was to take back everything he said to Wonwoo and tell him he was sorry, but it didn't go well.
Bago pa kasi siya magpa-check, he already plotted his moves. Admitting every single shit he has to and confessing his love for Wonwoo, tapos hahayaan niyang manggulo si Somi, then somehow magkakaroon sila ng happily ever after ni Woo. Pero dahil sa outcome ng ginawa niyang pagpapacheck-up, it all changed.
Napagdesisyunan niyang hindi bawiin lahat at panatilihin ang distansya nilang dalawa, nilang lahat. He was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa.
Sa una, mahihirapan siyang makakita sa gabi, but as time eats his days, maaapektuhan pati ang umaga niya. As time passes, maaapektuhan buong buhay niya. Unti-unting liliit ang sakop ng nakikita ng mata niya. The corners will get blurry hanggang sa yung gitna nalang ang nakikita niya.
It was running in their family. Hindi sa nanay o tatay niya. Maaaring sa lolo ng lolo ng kalolo-lolohan niya. Basta may ganung trait ka sa genes, magkakaroon ka. Unfortunately, siya ang natarget.
Habang ineexplain iyon ng doktor, walang ibang pumasok sa utak ni Gyu kundi ang mga mangyayari. Before he was certain, but now malabo ang lahat. He can't predict what might happen because his disease is unpredictable too. Mahirap daw itong basahin kaya naman kailangan niyang magpunta ng clinic every week to see the progress of the disease. Para mamonitor siya ng doctor.
While listening to the doctor's diagnosis, may isang cliché na linya na hindi niya akalain e tatatak sa utak niya. It was cliché kaya bakit niya masyadong dinibdib? Sabi lang naman ng doktor e walang cure. Uh...hmm, siguro kasi hindi words sa libro ang nabasa niya. Hindi audio sa movie o recording ang narinig niya. Maybe it was because it was real. It is real. Meron pang isang linya na pumukaw ng atensyon niya, yung posibleng mabulag siya.
He thought, damn, talk about cliché.
The happy him was gone. Happy-time won't ever come back. Life sucks, he thought. And it will suck even more as he continue what he's decided on, to keep quiet and distant to everyone. AND it will suck best if he hears his mother utter the words he doesn't want to hear. And she did it.
Before the school year ends, the doctor called for a meeting with his family.
He said it's best if they take Mingyu to the States. Doon daw kasi mas maraming option at paraan ng pagpapagamot. Mas modern daw ang treatments. Mingyu thought, isn't it useless to undergo a treatment when there is no cure? Pero nasagot naman iyon. Hindi naman completely useless. Kasi meron daw doon na pwedeng magpaslowdown sa pagkabulag niya.
Anyways, he knew na hindi na mapipigilan ang nanay niya. Once she's made a decision, she won't take it back. He hates it, kahit na namana niya ang ugali na iyon ng nanay niya.
Mingyu was down. He has lost his friends, his love, and now his eyes? And soon, they will lose money. Then their happiness. Tapos yung magandang relasyon ng pamilya niya. He is the root of all these. All these time, ayun ang iniisip niya.
He was close to killing himself in the winter. He always smile so bright, but deep inside he is more than rotten. One text cheered him up though. It was January. One week ng may pasok.
One week na rin na nagiiwasan sina Mingyu at Wonwoo. At sa loob rin ng buwan na iyon pumasok yung pangboblock ni Mingyu sa lahat.
Talk to me, now. I'm outside, was what's written in the message. It was Hansol. One look in the window, and he broke. He spilled everything he has to except for his disease.
Kahit papaano'y nabawasan ang bigat na dinadala niya. But there's still this emotion, ayaw mawala. He still loves them. Ayaw na niya pero ayaw rin bumitaw ng puso niya. It was him or his heart and he chose his heart.
He studied his friends, especially Dokyeom and Wonwoo. He plotted again. He chose to hurt himself for the sake of everyone's happiness. He chose to be alone even though he could seek the help of his friends. But a fucking phrase keeps repeating in his mind. Don't be a burden.
Kapag nalaman ng lahat ang sakit niya, paniguradong mahihirapan ang mga iyon, marami na nga silang problema sa buhay, dadagdagan pa niya? They are good at hiding, so he should also be good at it and be considerate. Tangina lang.
Of course there are many times he was tempted to tell them, pero hindi talaga niya magawa eh. He was running away from something he doesn't even know. Hindi pa nga niya nasusubukang magconfess sa kanila, sumuko na agad siya, and that's a fault he will always regret.
To make himself feel better before leaving, he cheated for two days. Hindi niya muna inalala ang sakit niya, o yung paglayo, o yung kasiyahan ng iba. He was selfish of Wonwoo that night. He wants to be happy that night. May resulta naman. At syempre, hindi sapat iyon, he tried to seek for more but before he could, he pulled himself back. Tama na.
He went to the airport carrying emotions, feelings, and memories. Reminiscing. Visualizing the future. Minding the present. All at the same time. Bearing it all at the same fucking time.
The feeling of getting hurt by your own deeds and crying for days thinking there are still a few paths to trail when there is none, thinking positive and that there are many reasons to leave even though you know yourself that staying is best for you and for almost everyone. You still did not stay, though.
Getting your hopes up, na hindi matutuloy ang pag-alis dahil ilang beses silang nagcancel ng pagbobook ng ticket but one day, you came home from school and your mom shows up smiling and saying 'America, here we come.', she hugs you and says, 'makakakita ka pa, anak' with teary eyes. And there was no way you can reject such a loving and concerned mother. You smile a painful smile and wipes her tears saying , 'Oo nga 'ma. Makikita ko pa kayo.' When in your mind, you're bursting into tears and were shouting AYOKONG MAKAKITA KUNG MAKIKITA KO LANG KAYONG NAGHIHIRAP PARA SA AKIN. It burns a lot.
Seeing your mom and hyung with big dark circles under their eyes, apparently it's because they are overworking themselves, gaya ng ginawa nila noong gipit pa ang pamilya at kanya-kanya sila ng paraan para mabuhay ang isa't-isa at maka-ipon (this is why they live apart). Now, alam mo na, uubusin mo ang pinaghirapan nilang ipunin. Another reason to just stop after all they've gone through. Kaso hindi pa rin pwede, kasi mas masasaktan sila kung ngayon pa siya titigil.
The feeling of pity to Wonwoo and his friends, na alam niyang nasasaktan at masasaktan pa sa pag-alis niya. And the guilt. Phew. Just great.
Hindi naman lahat masakit. May maganda pa namang ala-ala at feelings.
The feeling of being loved by all those people, getting scolded by Namjoon, barkada ni Taehyung, getting late, cutting classes, getting yelled at, bondings with the trio, joke-time with everyone, them calling him Nog, his circle teasing him to Wonwoo, the other circle teasing Wonwoo to him and a glaring DK. Lahat mamimiss niya. Kahit yung simpleng asaran nilang magkakabarkada.
Pati yung pagtitig kay Wonwoo tuwing nakakatulog ito sa pagtututor sa kanya.
Yung mga tinginan nilang napakahaba kala mo e nasa staring contest na, when in truth, they are just having their sweet time, secretly.
Yung simpleng pagngiti ni Wonwoo sa kanya. Labas ang mapuputing ngipin, yung malalim na dimples, yung eye-smile, yung labi. What a sight.
Yung paglalakad nilang dalawa tuwing uwian. Lalo na nung nadulas siya. That damn black cat. Pero swak naman. Nasolo niya si Wonwoo eh.
The day Wonwoo lost his notebook, umulan tapos nagcutting silang dalawa sa cafeteria. And that was the first time he thought Wonu is cute. The first time he wavered.
Seeing him work hard, lip-reading in class, instead of listening to the professor talking in front and taking notes for Wonwoo. He looks sexy when he is determined. And damn it when he bites the tip of his pen with thinking face.
The memory of his voice, deep voice that gives you warmth when he speaks and makes you melt when he sings. It is beautiful. Like being at the tip of the mountain. And the sun in shining. And there are buterflies.
He will surely miss looking deep into his eyes. Eyes full of wonder. Curiosity. Cold stares, chilling gaze, and a fucking heart-fluttering wink. It makes him red most of the time. And it never failed to make his mind go blank.
Most of all, Wonu. He will miss talking to him, texting him, calling him, counting the moles on his face to his neck, touching his glowing skin, kissing him, tasting him, holding him, laughing at his corny jokes, flirting, composing, whispering to his ear, teasing him, lahat. He will miss all of him. Sometimes, he wonders if humans are really angels in disguise, kung sakali man, baka anghel talaga si Wonwoo.
Napapangiti nalang siya nung naaalala niya ito havang naghihintay na umalis yung eroplano na sinasakyan nila. Finally, there was a notification. Paalis na. He went to America without saying a word to anyone. He left with all of these, hidden. He knows it will get old but it will forever be alive and new in his heart. Along with his regrets and pain.
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Note:
KamUsTA nA kAY0-
Btw, yung sa disease ni Gyu, yung iba doon imbento ko lang harhar- KASI WHERE'S DA FUN IN DAT-char huehue.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PALA SA NAPAKALAKING TUKSO NA SI JUN AT SA PINAKAGWAPONG HAMSTER NG SVT SANA MAHALIN NIYO KO PABALIK-CHARZZzzZ HAHAHAHUHUHUHU BASTA HWAITING LANG BABIES! MAHAL KO KAYO ^_^
MWAH~ (JEONGHAN hUwAG kAnG maGaGAliT IkAw LaNG sApAT nAaAaaA)