Stepping off of a plane on London soil was always a comfort to me. The tarmac of a London airport meant I was an hour or two from the embraces of my kids and the love of my life, Emily. I had been gone for an extended period this time, longer than usual. Updates from home had Lucy getting the highest marks in each class, Noah motoring around the house creating havoc wherever he went and Emily buying what had to be the sexiest piece of lingerie I'd ever seen. I couldn't wait to get home to hold my children and bury myself inside Em.
I handed the gentlemen who would be driving me home my bag after shaking his hand and thanking him for making the hour long drive to get me to my family. He put my bag in the trunk and within a few minutes we were off.
I tapped Emily's phone number on my phone screen and put the phone to my ear,
"Hello, My Love." I heard her honey sweet voice a few minutes later.
I let my head rest against the back of the car seat,
"Hi."
"You sound exhausted."
"Just a long flight."
"And how did you leave Africa? Are they more in love with One Direction than ever?"
I laughed softly,
"Of course."
My smile faded though. Emily had no idea what had happened in Africa for the most part. I wanted to get home and tell her, but I needed to gather my thoughts and my words so I could adequately give her the right information. What I was going to ask her was big.
Going back to Ghana with the boys was only supposed to be a few days to reconnect with the kids in the hospitals and orphanages we'd met before. A sort up update on some of the kids to see where they were now for Red Nose Day. I certainly didn't expect what happened.
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Niall, Louis and Zayn had been taken off in another direction while Liam and I were once again paired. Both of us laughed that for all the years we hadn't been a band people still liked to throw us back to that time as some sort of reminder.
I smiled when I saw an older, rounder, shorter woman approach us. Had she been here the last time we were? I racked my brain but I couldn't remember. She had blonde hair that was turning a darker grey now from what I could only imagine was the stress of her job. She had a pair of wire rimmed glasses she perched on the end of her nose. She reminded me of what Mrs. Claus would look like...if she'd been real, that is.
She had a clipboard on one hand, her other hand jutting out in an offering to me,
"Claudia Grant. I'm the director here." She had the thickest southern accent I'd ever heard in my life.
Wow. And people thought I was hard to understand after a few months back home.
"Harry Styles."
"Liam Payne." Liam stated as she reached for his hand.
She let out a deep sigh, glancing down at her clipboard,
"One Direction, right?" The word "right" came out as "rot" and I stifled a giggle. She caught it though and looked up at me over her glasses.
I quickly righted myself and nodded,
"Right."
Liam slapped at my arm when she looked back down, shaking his head in quiet admonishment. I couldn't help it. This woman's voice was tripping me out.
She looked up, gesturing to a building a few hundred feet away from us,
"You two are visiting that building today. Three year olds and under. No parents."
I raised my eyebrows,
"No parents?" I wasn't sure what she meant by that.
She nodded, looking at me over her glasses again. When she did that it made me feel like I did the day I'd been called to the Head Master's office of my school when I'd taped myself to a desk. "Mr. Styles, the classroom is not a stage." was what Mr. Townser said to me. He too used to look at me over his glasses.
"It means their parents have been killed or have disappeared."
My eyes widened. I guess I knew that happened but hearing someone say it out loud made my heart drop into my feet. I reminded myself to call my mother and father once we got back to the hotel.
She led us into the building. I tried to ignore the Press Corp and cameras following our every move. I knew this was being taped for Red Nose Day but it still felt like we were exploiting these kids as some type of pat on the back. Truth was, the fact that these orphanages existed at all was bad enough. No one deserved a pat on the back for acknowledging that fact.
Liam cleared his throat, calling my attention to the huge barren room full of tiny dark faces and huge white eyes. None of them bothered to stop what they were doing, none of them cared who we were. The three or four women trying to corral all of them looked exhausted but ecstatic, a weird dichotomy that I would find myself understanding completely once our three days here came to an end.
Claudia held her arms out,
"Meet your new best friends."
Liam quickly took a few steps forward into a huge crowd of kids who mobbed him the minute they saw him. Liam's days in the gym had paid off, he was huge now. They regarded him as nothing more than a jungle gym.
I smiled, watching as he happily sat down in the mob and took as many excited kids into his lap as he could. The scene made me miss my own kids. Noah and Lucy would frequently mob me in much the same way.
I surveyed the room, my eyes being pulled in the direction of a small boy in the corner. He was alone, facing the wall. There was a pile of dirt in front of him which he would dig his hands into and then pull them out, watching as the sand fell back to the ground through his fingers.
"He does that all day." I heard Claudia's voice in my ear.
I jumped slightly, but didn't turn my gaze away from the tiny child,
"What...I mean...what is he-"
"His name is Kesse. He turned three a couple days ago."
I gripped the box of Legos I had in my arm, a gift that was supposed to have been for the whole orphanage,
"His parents are..." I swallowed, "Dead?"
She sighed,
"Well, his mother is. He was brought here two years ago by his aunt. His father killed his mother after she tried to flee his abuse. Then he disappeared himself."
My heart broke, shattered into a thousand pieces right there inside my chest. She glanced back at the Press Corp behind me who seemed to be completely focused on Liam at the moment and then turned back to me,
"Go ahead. You could probably get a few minutes alone with him."
I turned to look at the cameramen behind me and then down at her. I flashed her a grateful smile and then turned back towards Kesse.
He looked so tiny sitting there all alone. I felt drawn to him in a way I'd never been drawn to anyone, not even Emily. I gripped the box of Legos in my hands so tightly my knuckles turned white.
He didn't look up at me when I sat down next to him, only interested in the sand currently sifting through his tiny fingers. I waited. I wanted to give him a moment to react or at least get comfortable.
He didn't acknowledge my existence in any way. I glanced up to see Claudia watching us intently. I knew she wasn't impressed by me already and I couldn't mess this up. I looked back down at Kesse and without a thought in my head, I reached forward and dug my fingers into the same sand pile.
He looked up at me, his big brown eyes focusing on mine and seeming to look straight into my soul. When I lifted my hands up out of the sand pile and let the sand flow through my fingers, his cherubic face broke into a huge grin.
I breathed a sigh of relief. He looked back down at the sand pile, moving his fingers in and out of it faster and faster while his smile grew wider.
I'd made a connection. I had no idea what that connection was or what it meant, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.
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I had always thought my heart was full to the brim with no room for anyone else to take up residency. I had Lucy and Noah and Emily, but Kesse etched a spot into my heart that day that I didn't even know was there. And I hadn't been able to think of much else since.
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When I finally made it to my house it was well past midnight. Lucy and Noah would have been asleep for hours. But the kitchen light was on, indicating Em had waited up for me. It set my soul at ease.
I unlocked the front door, set my bags down and made my way to the kitchen. She was standing at the island, tapping on her iPad. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun. She was wearing a pair of yoga shorts and one of my old t-shirts, my favorite outfit that would beat the pants of any lingerie she could buy any day.
She looked up at me, her face lighting up instantly into a bright smile,
"Well, if that just isn't the face of an angel."
I laughed through my nose, returning her smile in equal measure,
"Funny, I was thinking the same thing."
She walked towards me, lifting her arms to snake around my neck as she placed the softest, sweetest kiss on my lips,
"I missed you a whole lot." She whispered.
My arms circled her waist. My hands rested on the small of her back, dangerously close to her ass,
"A whole lot huh?"
She nodded, keeping her mouth against mine. My hands moved down over the curve of her butt to grab a generous handful as I pushed her up against me.
She pulled back just then, her thumb swiping over my lips to wipe away the lip gloss she'd transferred when she kissed me,
"They're asleep. But go look."
My smile grew a thousand watts as I shook my head. She always knew what was in my head before I even said anything. I released her, pecking a kiss to her mouth,
"It's creepy when you do that."
She nodded,
"I know it is." She slapped her hand against my ass as I walked away.
I mock jumped away and rubbed my butt, shaking my head.
Lucy's room was first. She'd long since stopped needing a night light so her room was only illuminated from the moon outside her window. Still, I could see the details of my baby girl's face perfectly. She was almost ten years old, I teased her every day about entering into the double digits. She had scores of friends and even a boyfriend or two which didn't make me happy but Emily assured me it meant nothing more than some giggling on the playground.
I took a few silent steps into her room, having removed my boots before I got there. I leaned down, pressing my mouth to her forehead.
She stirred a bit, her blue eyes opening up to focus on me. When she finally pulled herself out of her sleep-filled haze her face broke into a huge smile,
"Daddy!" She whisper/yelled, her arms shooting up in anticipation for a hug.
I couldn't help but laugh. She was always so happy to see me. I leaned down to hug her,
"Hi Diz." I pulled back to kiss her forehead again, "You're supposed to be asleep. School in the morning."
She nodded,
"Are you taking me? Mumma said you'd take me."
"Absolutely. Try and stop me."
She giggled softly, lifting her hand to slap against mine in a high five. I pressed another kiss to her curls,
"Go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
She nodded, turning over onto her side as I walked towards her door,,
"Love you, Daddy."
As long as I lived I would never get sick of hearing those words in that voice. I turned to look at her,
"I love you too, Baby."
I closed her door and walked towards Noah's room. He was three now and had graduated to a big boys bed. Oddly enough, I didn't feel like I'd missed out on anything. The band had reunited but since everyone but Niall had kids now we were pretty good about making sure our schedules stayed light enough that we could be there for the big things.
As per usual, Noah slept like a rock. I could have walked into that room with a full band and rocked out to Guns N Roses and he wouldn't have moved. I was always shocked the kid didn't wake up with a sore neck or back considering the positions he slept in.
I pulled his covers up under his chin, pushed his hair back off of his forehead and pressed a kiss to his skin. My boy, in more ways than one.
I turned back to the door, stopping when I saw Emily standing in the doorway watching me. She walked forward, her hands resting on my chest once she made contact with my body,
"Just so you're aware...he's got a girlfriend."
I pulled my eyebrows together in confusion,
"What?"
She nodded,
"Carly...the little girl down the street."
"Isn't he a bit young?"
"They dump sand on each other in the sand box."
I frowned,
"I'll have to teach him some moves. That's hardly how to impress a woman." Emily giggled, shaking her head as she turned to walk away, "What?" I asked as I followed her.
"With your daughter you want blood types and mother's maiden names...but with your son it's 'gotta teach him some moves'." She said, mocking my tone as she left the door open a crack.
I wound my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into me as I lifted my knuckles to her head to give her noogies,
"You, young lady, aren't as funny as you think you are."
She squealed and wrestled free from me, pushing me towards the bedroom,
"Now that you've paid adequate attention to your children, I believe I've waited patiently long enough for you to rip my clothes off."
I pushed back against her hands,
"Rip them? I quite like the shirt you're wearing. Don't intend on ripping anything."
She closed the door and then whirled around. Her body crashed into mine as did her mouth, our lips meeting in a deep, hungry kiss. She whimpered softly, her fingers curled into my hair and pulled gently. She pulled back but just far enough to speak,
"I'm gonna need you to bend me over something..."
I quirked my brows,
"Really? Emily Granger...what would your mother say?"
"She'd tell you to stop being a cheeky bastard and do what the love of your life asks of you."
I nodded,
"In that case..." I lifted her up off of her feet, my hands curved around her ass and I walked her towards our bed.
She pulled her legs up to kneel on the mattress, refusing to pull her lips from mine as she backed away. I laughed against her mouth. God, I was in love with this woman.
I knelt down on the bed in front of her, my arms winding around her waist to pull her towards me. She sighed into my mouth and I swear to God I could have come right there.
Her hands slid up my chest, her nails scratching just light enough to leave tiny red marks before she settled her palms against my swallows and pulled her lips from mine. My eyes met hers, a content smile forming on my lips while I looked at the girl I'd been desperately in love with for the last decade of my life.
I lifted my hand to her cheek,
"I missed you."
Her smile grew wider,
"I know. You told me every time we spoke."
"Just wanted to be thorough, Love."
Her smile faded as she looked back on me, her eyes dropping while she pushed her forehead to mine,
"I love you so much." She said so softly I may not have heard it if we hadn't been so close.
I spread my hand out under her ear, my mouth searching for hers until our lips finally connected.
I pushed her onto her back, my body hovering over hers while I planted hot, wet kisses down her shoulder. She threaded her fingers into my hair and giggled softly,
"Baby..." She kissed my temple, "Ya gotta undress me."
I shook my head, continuing to taste her skin. I had missed the faint taste of salt from her day, the tiniest scent of flowers leftover from her body spray, the hint of musk from the soap she'd used that morning. I took that soap with me when I left on trips for work. I didn't care if it was flowery scented women's soap. When the days got so long and being away from her felt like it was weighing me down I got into the shower and I lathered myself into a soapy goddamn mess with it. Some nights, it was the only thing that got me through.
I threaded my fingers with hers and pulled her arm up over her head. I pulled back to look at my love. Her shirt was half off, her hair mussed and crazy, her cheeks were flushed, her lips plump from being pressed to mine and I don't know if I had ever seen her look more beautiful.
I nudged her nose with mine, a deep swallow closing my mouth,
"I, um..." I stopped. Man, I was worked up. I could hear my heart hammering in my chest and my whole body felt like I was being shaken into pieces.
She lifted her fingers to lightly touch my cheek,
"It's alright."
Em was still capable of making me speechless. In all my life I don't know if anything in the world would ever effect me the way she did. My body cradled between her legs while she kissed me and held me and told me she loved me was my heaven.
I gathered myself, quelled the uncontrollable shaking and I covered her mouth with mine.
Thankfully in our time together I had learned how to get her undressed quickly. It worked to my advantage on nights like these when I fumbled around with my fingers and couldn't seem to grip anything that wasn't her body.
She was naked beneath me in mere minutes. She kept her legs pulled up next to my hips, waiting patiently for me to undress myself. When the frustration of having to wait finally won out, she pushed my shirt up and over my head and somehow pulled my pants down with her feet. Just another reason this woman fascinated the hell out of me.
I released her hand, running my fingertips down her side, a triumphant smile gracing my face when she shivered underneath me.
I pulled back,
"No condoms." I whispered.
She smiled,
"Should've thought about that before you got me all hot and bothered in here."
I shrugged,
"Where's the fun in that?"
"So you're just gonna keep kissing me while I'm naked?"
I nodded, dropping my mouth to her neck. Em had a few spots on her body that I knew well. Spots that would drive her insane, make her moan louder than usual, drive her to the brink of insanity. Her ears were one of them.
I blew a soft stream of air into her ear, internally pumping my fists in the air when she curled her fingers into my hair and grabbed hold,
"Don't fucking care." She growled.
Her fingers wound around my erection, her hips moved just slightly and within seconds I was sheathed comfortably inside of her. I silenced a moan that was aching to come out of me and pushed my forehead to hers.
She released her grip on my hair and dragged her lips across mine,
"You feel so good, Baby." She drawled.
I nodded,
"So do you." I responded, rolling my hips into hers. She whimpered softly, "Ah, Harry..."
I couldn't stop myself from moving inside of her now, my body moved of it's own volition, finally content to have her wrapped around it.
She arched her back, her breasts pressing into my chest while her eyes dropped shut. I always reveled in my ability to push her to the edge and bring her back only to push her to the edge again and then draw her back. The push/pull drove her insane but I knew deep down she loved it just as much as I did.
Her fingernails dug into my ass,
"Fuck..." She breathed, her lips devouring mine.
I pushed myself up off of her, hovering over her while my hips drove into hers. I was quite intoxicated and only focused on making her feel as good as I possibly could. Being away from her and my kids for so long was sometimes scary for me. I hated the disconnection. So I was always eager to rekindle it immediately.
But my thirst for her was so intense that my usual stamina was non-existent. I slowed to a crawl, my body collapsing onto hers while I fought to catch my breath.
Thankfully, My Love knew exactly what to do. She pushed on my chest, rolling me onto my back. She scurried back over, swinging her leg over my hips. Though my eyes were closed I felt her breasts push into my chest again and then her lips against mine.
She trailed a wet line of kisses down my jaw while I swallowed and tried desperately to regain control of myself.
I felt her hips lift up off of mine before her body had once again taken me inside of hers. She sat up, her hands pressing in to my chest.
I wound my fingers around her hips, pressing them into the pudge there while she held her down.
She shook her head,
"Harry, let me move..." She begged.
I opened my eyes to focus on hers, a sly smile stretching across my cheeks,
"Drivin' me over the edge tonight, Em."
She returned my smile in equal measure,
"Damn right...now relax so I can move."
I shook my head, pushing myself up off the bed so I was sitting up. I gritted my teeth, my nostrils flaring as my mouth stopped just centimeters before capturing hers,
"Move then." I prodded.
She set her mouth in a determined line, trying to roll her hips but failing to mount a challenge against the grip I had on her. I hissed in a breath,
"Goddamn..." I swore.
She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth,
"Let me move, goddammit." She swore.
I knew she wasn't mad. Frustrated maybe, but not mad. She shook her head when I refused again. I felt her hands slap against mine. Her fingers slid underneath mine until she finally pulled herself free.
I gasped, a breath hitching in my throat when she dragged her hips in one long roll against mine. I wanted to cuss, to scream out her name, something to control the quaking inside my body. But I simply wound my arms around her and hooked my hand around the back of her neck to keep her steady.
Emily riding me was my favorite position. I liked giving her that power over me. I liked the loss of control. I liked feeling her body clench around mine as she drove herself closer and closer to orgasm. I liked it when she used me to drive herself over the edge.
I never got tired of seeing her face above mine. Her hair curtained around her face while she looked down at me. Her lips swollen and red from all the biting to control herself. Her eyes dripping with desire.
These are the things I felt and pictured when I was alone in my hotel room. When I was far too worked up to ignore it and had to rub one out in the shower otherwise I'd spend the day walking around with a painful hard on. These are the things that got me through my toughest, loneliest, darkest nights when I felt like I wanted to quit and just go home to my family.
Emily was my tether to what was real. When my jet set life became larger than life and I felt like I was slipping away, she was what reeled me back in.
She cupped my face in her hands and formed her lips against mine in a sweet kiss that had me shattering beneath her moments later. My hips jerked up off the bed into her as I whined and begged her name. I was just coming down when I felt her body tense and constrict around me. Her head tipped back while tiny puffs of breath exited her open mouth. And a moan I was sure was loud enough to wake up my children finally came out of her lungs.
She relaxed almost instantly afterwards. Her head laid against my shoulder while her chest collapsed against mine. I held onto her tightly, waiting until she'd returned to a normal breathing pattern.
She finally pulled her head up off my shoulder and lazily pressed her mouth to mine. She said something resembling words but they were so slurred I couldn't make them out. I slowly lowered myself back onto the bed while she shuffled off of me to cuddle into my side.
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It was almost three in the morning and neither Em nor I were any closer to falling asleep. She walked in from the kitchen, clad in my t-shirt and nothing else, holding two bowls of ice cream. I'd turned the TV on just to see what I'd missed happening in the world since the last five hours had been spent making love to my girlfriend.
She handed me my bowl and climbed onto the bed next to me. I was still naked under the sheet only covering my hips and below.
She picked up the remote to mute the TV and then looked at me,
"So...tell me all about it."
"What?" I asked, the ice cream I'd just shoveled into my mouth was so cold I had to take a minute.
She giggled,
"Cold?"
I nodded,
"Yes...bloody Christ." I finally swallowed after a moment and then took to answering her, "I mean it was different. Worse, if that's possible."
Emily took to stirring her ice cream in the bowl despite the fact that it was already good and stirred. It was a quirk of hers that I liked to think was just for me,
"Worse?" She looked up at me, lifting her fingers to lick them clean, "Worse how?"
"More kids than before. A lot more. Seems like the place is busting at the seams there are so many kids there. And they don't have the money to take care of all of them. They're having to turn kids away now. An already dire situation just became that much more dire and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for them."
Em watched while my face fell. I couldn't help it. All I could think about was having left Kesse to sit in the corner of that room while he mindlessly let sand sift through his fingers. And while I knew I couldn't help all of those kids, I could at least do my damndest to help one of them. The tug in my heart and the knot in my stomach had only grown in intensity since I'd gotten home.
She leaned forward to press a kiss to my lips,
"I love you for being so connected to those kids."
She sat back to finish stirring her ice cream. I knew she had no idea what she'd just said, but she was right. I was connected to those kids. And to one in particular. I couldn't get his cherub cheeks and deep brown eyes out of my head. Every time I laid down to sleep I saw them.
I had pictured him as part of our family the entire way home. I pictured Lucy protectively showing him the ropes just as she did Noah. I pictured Noah and Kesse learning about things together since they were both around the same age. I pictured birthday parties and Christmases and family trips to art museums where our kids would whine and complain the whole time about being bored. I wanted all of that.
I wanted the vast amount of love all of us had for each other to open up and include this tiny little boy who had been dealt the most frustrating hand. I just wanted to be this kid's father. I felt that pull to him the same way I had to Noah when he was inside Emily still. And to Lucy even when I didn't know she was mine.
Kesse was my son even if we weren't blood related. I could feel it in my bones.
Emily licked her spoon,
"Ever notice how this flavor is only good if it's really cold?" She surmised while she poked her tongue out.
I stayed silent while I watched her. She would resist the suggestion. I knew she would. I also knew it wouldn't be because she didn't want to provide that safe space for Kesse but because Emily was nothing if not practical. She was dating and living an extraordinary life already with a rockstar. Emily needed to keep her feet on the ground in order to raise my children. As well as to keep me grounded. And she did it with the grace and ease of a woman who was desperately in love with her family.
I had a tendency to jump first and think later, especially when it came to my family. While I was all for the meticulous planning of my career, I approached situations with my family like my ass was on fire most of the time. I over compensated for not being around as much as I wanted to. And Emily was always having to reassure me that things were fine.
I studied her closely while she raised another spoonful of ice cream to her lips,
"I met a little boy while I was there."
She nodded,
"Yeah? I bet you met a lot of kids."
"I did...but none like him."
Emily's eyes met mine while she smiled,
"Really? That's sweet. Tell me about him."
"His name was Kesse. He was three years old. He was brought to the orphanage after his father killed his mother when she tried to escape their abusive relationship."
Emily's smile instantly disappeared as her hand went to her mouth,
"Oh my God." She gasped.
"He was sitting in the corner of the room when I walked in. Just picking up sand and letting it sift through his fingers...like he was waiting for it to turn into water or something."
Emily stared back at me,
"Harry..." She breathed as she spread her palm out on her chest, "That is heartbreaking."
"I sat next to him. Gave him some legos we'd bought for the kids." I stopped, remembering then what Claudia had told me, "He hadn't spoken a word since they'd brought him into the orphanage."
Emily shook her head,
"That is...I don't have a word for what that is."
I turned back to set my bowl of ice cream down on the nightstand. When I turned back, I rested my hand on her knee. Her eyes met mine and I smiled,
"But when I sat down...and played with him for a little bit...he spoke. In his own language...but he said words."
She was riveted, her eyes glued to mine,
"What'd he say?" She whispered.
"He said he loved me." I answered.
"Wow." She said after a long pause, "That is so moving."
I stayed silent for a minute. God, I wanted her to just say yes so we could call the adoption agency in the morning and make plane reservations to go back and get him. But I needed to calm down and let this happen. I squeezed her knee,
"I wanna adopt him, Baby." Her eyes widened in shock, but she stayed silent. I nodded, "I want him to be our son."