Earlier comments on this chapter has been deleted as they would not make any sense with the revised version of 'Tere Liye'. Just a note to old readers, those comments are still very special for me and I have them stored with me to cherish forever. I just don't want any confusion for new readers.
Hope you enjoy! :)
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They say grief shows up in funny ways. It creeps up slowly and pervades a person's mind with such a force that it makes them act in ways they never thought they would. It makes them go crazy with confusion on their own actions and that's exactly what she's feeling right now as she stood in the middle of her room, which seemed strange yet somehow, it felt like something she didn't know she needed uptil now.
She looked around. The warm color that her wall used to bare upon his choice, was not there anymore. It was instead replaced with a sky blue color that she has always wanted. She would dream to be surrounded by that colour for it made her feel like she was in the sky - free and happy as she spread her imaginary wings and flew around. But she had suppressed that desire when he had chosen a fiery warm color instead when they had first designed their room. Though that color made her feel trapped in a volcano, she had accepted it without any complaints. His happiness was superior. It always had been superior.
But not anymore. She was now free to do what she likes. She had a free will, and she'd just realise that.
Sighing, her eyes traveled downwards from the wall to rest at the succulents that had replaced the tiger colored lilies - lilies that, again, that he once chose. Contemplating on them for a while, she then again moved her sight upwards at the canvas paintings right above her headrest. It was her paintings, which she had kept hidden in her closet after she had gotten married. Paintings that were once her escape from the actual world, that were the witness of her thousands genuine smiles as she would lose herself in creativity, leaving behind every traces of sadness.
Now when she thinks about it, along with her paintings, she had buried several pieces of herself in great depths, just so she could take care of him after their marriage. And as her world started revolving around him, she had almost forgotten about them. She had forgotten about herself.
Lastly, she caught the sight of herself in the full length mirror kept against the wall, just next to her wardrobe.
Her eyes blinked as she touched her parting. Empty.
Her warm fingertips moved downwards to slightly graze the only chain her neck was adorned with and stopped at her name, written in cursive. It was a custom chain that Chotte had gotten for her not long ago but she never got a chance of wearing them. Her neck was already burdened with the symbols of her marriage.
Is this grief?
She asked herself, once again turning around to see the changes she had made to her room.
Was this another way to grieve, to show one's pain? Does erasing every single trace of the person that hurt you more than anyone ever did, a sign of grieving?
She had been heartbroken before. Umpteen of times. When she found out about her disability, when she saw her parents' dead bodies and when her Chotte wouldn't cry even after setting their parents' funeral pyre on fire. She had cried, profusely on such occasions. To an extent where she felt as if her heart had been yanked out of her chest and what was left was a breath that was slowly escaping as well.
But now, now she is not feeling any of these. Her tears wouldn't even show up, not even when her wounds were fresh last night. Instead of crying, she spent the whole of last night re-designing her room the moment Chotte left her - Not due to anger but due to a sudden curiosity. She wanted to see how it would feel to finally have everything set according to her choice and whilst doing that, she never thought that she was erasing his memories. All she could think about was that she was creating new memories, with herself.
Sighing in confusion, she sat herself on the bed, still trying to figure out what she was feeling.
She for sure knew sadness was dwelling in her somewhere because her heart pinched every now and then but she didn't feel the overwhelming feeling to shout and cry, like she did the last time he was taken away from her. She didn't feel like robing herself off all the colors in his absence. Instead, she felt like experimenting with all new colors. Colors that would feel like herself and not him.
A smile halfway curved her lips as an amused look resided on her face.
This wasn't grief.
Grief was supposed to make one feel vulnerable and pained. But whatever she was feeling right now, was a sudden urge to explore the freedom she got. To laugh freely, to go places she wants to, to do things she wants to without having to think about how she has to restrict herself just so she could take care of that one person.
But why is that? And how? How can she feel like this when all she thought herself to be without him, was a pile of nothing? How is she still standing uptight when in the past, every single part of her had shattered in his absence?
She stared at the plants from the transparent french door right across her bed, their leaves being teased and ruffled by the mischievous wind.
She smiled.
Maybe all this while she had underestimated herself. Maybe she was so blind in his love that she failed to understand her own self, her own strength. And maybe the devastation she felt in the past was simply due to denial. Somewhere in the depths of her heart she had always questioned the genuineness of Shyam's love because it was a love that made her change from someone carefree to someone docile and almost robotic but she had denied to let this doubt rule her mind for years in the fear that her life would be in shambles if ever he leaves her. But now, as the veil of denial has been lifted, life without him doesn't seem that bad.
It felt like her. Without him around to express his needs, it all felt like her at last. Her life felt hers. Her priorities, her attention all changed, in the best way possible and it almost felt as if, she got her life back.
Her smile widened as tears finally brimmed in her eyes. Tears of joy, satisfaction, relief, gratitude, and every other wonderful feeling that could exist in this world. Even now she doesn't know what to name the emotion that had engulf her but based on the way it was shaping the course of her life, taking her closer to the Anjali she had lost years, she didn't mind it. At all.
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"I was thinking, it's been so long since we all went out. How about we spend the day out today? Together?"
Anjali's suggestion though brought a smile on everyone's faces across the breakfast table, ignited further surprise in them. Thus, their smiles were almost amused as they looked at an excited Anjali, eagerly waiting for their responses.
This morning when they all had come down, it was with dread. In fact, everyone already had a plan of their own to cajole Anjali into coming down and eat for they all thought she would be in her room, crying her heart out.
But to their surprise, the same Anjali was already downstairs, setting the breakfast table with her favorite foods alongside the favorites of the rest of the family members, all while humming her favorite tune. They had been scared out of their wits for a hot moment, thinking that she had lost her mind until she literally busted into laughter, guessing their thoughts based on their facial expressions. She had then reassured each one of them that she was fine, more fine than ever and oddly satisfied with her response, everyone felt at relief.
But now as she expressed the desire to go out for enjoyment, they couldn't help but let their surprise creep up again, for she was the one who wouldn't even come out of her room after her husband was thrown out, let alone travel the open streets of Delhi for self-enjoyment.
"So? What do you think?" The extended silence probed Anjali to re-ask her question with a suppressed grin as if she read their thoughts yet another time.
Devyani was the first one to overcome her surprise and she smiled, almost chuckling at her own state.
"Of course, bitiya. That sounds awesome."
"Yeah, that, that sounds like a plan." NK followed suit, grinning ear to ear in equal cheerfulness as Anjali.
Anjali's smile widened in glee as one by one, everyone agreed on her idea with enthusiasm until her eyes landed on her Chotte, who seemed to be having some conflicting thoughts instead.
"What happened, Chotte?" She reached to ask, seeing him truly disconcerted. "Is everything okay?"
Arnav jumped, startled at the sudden question and looked up to see all the stares at him. He gave out a resigned sigh.
"Actually Di, I don't think I can make it today. I have some really important works in office. Some candidates are also supposed to come and I really need to be there."
He said, leaving out the details about how he has been delaying his office works, first for the wedding and then to tackle Shyam, not wanting to hurt his Di nor his wife. He looked at them back and forth, earnestly wishing for them not to feel bad or that he was giving his office more importance than the family time they were getting after so long.
Sitting next to him, though Khushi felt a little disappointment, she also understood his plight. She had heard him this morning, whisper-yelling at Aman who was unable to postpone a meeting. She had then realized how much work he has kept aside for the various occasions they recently went through but it was now that she further realized how heavy the work load has become for him - to the extent where he even had to refuse his Di whom he was so happy to see smiling.
Exhaling, she enclosed his left hand that was on his thighs as he flashed her and Anjali an apologetic look, conveying that she is fine and understands him. He had smiled at her empathy but then both of them had looked at Anjali, praying hard that she would understand as well.
The smile she flashed Arnav, however, conveyed more than just a simple understanding.
"Its okay, Chotte. You can for go now but I won't let you escape next time." She said, giving him a pretended stern look which only enhanced the warmth he felt in his chest as he nodded whilst chuckling.
"Do you need any assistance, Bhai? I can come with you." Akash offered, not wanting his brother to over-exhaust himself after already dealing with so many familial crisis.
"No, Akash." Arnav smiled, politely shrugging his offer. "You go with them and take care of everyone. I'll manage." He said. Akash had already been pre-occupied with the office ever since his engagement. He had refused to let him (Arnav) take up any time-consuming tasks, saying that he only deserved to feel relaxed and happy and not stressed about meetings and clients. Pride and gratitude had spread across Arnav's chest at that time and he had nodded before moisture could make an appearance in his eyes in the presence of his younger brother. But now if he again gave him more work, it would be unfair.
"I'll give you a call if I need anything." Arnav added a second later, seeing Akash about to retort until the latter finally gave in.
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"Please don't forget to eat on time and take your medicines. I'll call to remind you but in case I forget, please do remember by yourself. Don't forget everything amidst work." Khushi said, folding the freshly washed clothes and keeping them on the bed on a neat pile.
A pair of warm and strong arms snaked around her waist in response, plastering her back to his broad chest and halting her movements.
"I'm just going to office, Khushi. I'll be fine." He whispered in her ears, his voice having a soothing edge.
She breathed out. Dropping the material in her hands, she then leaned back, relaxing her tensed muscles against him.
"Just don't neglect your health." She whispered back, cocking her head to look up at him with a known look. The mixture of concern and warning that swam in her eyes made him laugh and he scooped down and kissed her left cheek.
"I won't." He promised.
Removing her hands from his that had enclosed her waist, Khushi turned around and kept her head on his chest, right above his heart and held him close by the waist. A second later, his hands moved up to encircle her shoulders and stroke her head.
"Khushi?" Arnav's voice broke the silence that had spiraled around them for a brief moment.
"Hmm?"
Arnav ran his tongue over his dry lower lip, "I was thinking, maybe we could go on dinner tonight. I mean, you would already be back in the evening from the day out. I could pick you up and we could go, somewhere."
Khushi's lips curved in mirth at the nervousness in his voice as it trailed off. Her chin pressed against his skin as she lifted her face and stared at him with narrowed eyes.
"Are you asking me on a date, Mr. Raizada?"
The teasing glint in her eyes made him smile automatically. The nervousness he felt while asking someone out for the first time vanished in thin air, and he reached out to smooth the fringe that had obscured his view of her angelic face.
"Maybe."
"And what if I say no?"
The eyebrow she raised on him reduced his smile into a lopsided smirk and he tugged her body closer to his, watching with pride as her eyes went wide. He lowered his face, touching his lips with her reddening cheek.
"Then we can have our moment here itself. I don't mind."
She gasped as he proceeded to place an open-mouthed kiss on her neck and instantly gave him a little push from her.
"Shameless Raizada!" She gave out a breathless remark but he noticed the smile that bloomed on her face before she turned her back to him, trying but failing to hide her red face.
He shook his head and reached to take his laptop bag but before leaving, he placed another kiss on her exposed shoulder and whispered with an intact smirk,
"Tonight, at eight."
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