“Good morning” he whispered in my ear. I jumped because I expected it to be Louis. Not Niall. I was happy at first to have him lying next to me. Being wrapped in his arms. Then I remembered the events of last night. The whole evening was a mess. My first Halloween in college should have been one of the best nights of my life. I guess that’s why I get for having a boyfriend that no one can know about.
If I was dating Louis or Liam or any other college boy I could have had one of the most fun nights of my life. We could do a stupid couple costume and get drunk and make out in front of everyone. Nope. I was dating my professor. I knew what I was giving up being with him. No dates unless it was in his apartment. In class I could barely speak to him unless it was about the coursework because we didn’t want anyone to get suspicious. We couldn’t hold hands or kiss in public. Not that I was really into that stuff before Niall. I hate PDA and that was a problem I had with Louis.
Louis always wants to hold my hand and kiss me. He didn’t care who was around. He would want to make out on the couch during a movie we were watching with my family.
The problem with Niall is that I love him so much. I want to be able to kiss him whenever I want. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I can’t do it. One time after class I almost leaned in for a kiss in the hallway. That would have been a disaster.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I screamed and got out of bed, throwing a sweatshirt on to cover myself up.
“I’m sorry” he breathes. “We need to talk about this.”
“So why the fuck are you in my bed?”
“Did you want that to be Louis?” he snapped.
“No” I shot back. “But you can’t just slip into my bed whenever you feel like it. I’m so mad at you Niall.”
“Alright, I’m sorry. Please, let’s talk about what happened.”
“No. You slept with Vicki. I can’t forgive you.” I looked away from him. If he could see my face he would know I was lying. Even if he did sleep with Victoria I would forgive him. I’m pretty sure at this point I can’t live without him. I don’t when I got this weak but he’s broken down all my walls and I need him.
“I didn’t.” He got up and took a step closer to me.
I took a step back to keep the distance between us. “I don’t believe you” I said with less confidence than I intended.
“I was mad that you kissed Louis. I went about it all wrong and for that I am sorry. I never should have went to her apartment.”
“Then why did you?” I practically screamed. “You literally ran out of here. You didn’t even let me explain the Louis thing. If you have just given me that chance we wouldn’t be here like this. So no I can’t trust you right now.”
“Then why don’t you give me the chance I didn’t give you? Let me explain what happened.”
“Fine” I gave in. “Why were you really here before I got home. Don’t lie to me Niall. I know you weren’t here to look for me.”
“I was here to see Victoria.” I threw my hands up because it hurt to hear him say that. I felt like he just punched me in the stomach. The thought of his hands on her and her touching him is enough to make me want to throw up.
“Why?” I yelled.
“You’re aware that she’s insane?”
“Obviously” I rolled my eyes.
“She accused me of sleeping with a student.” I didn’t think it was possible for my stomach to hurt more. “I will not apologize for following up with that. Both our asses are on the line. I went over there to confront her. She admitted that she only said it to get me over there so I left right away. That’s when I bumped into you.”
I was afraid to ask what happened the second time he went to her apartment. When he went there after he found out I kissed Louis. “Why did you go back?” I asked weakly.
He shook his head and took a seat on the bed. “Tell me Niall!”
“I wanted to get back at you. I’m an idiot. I swear to you I didn’t do anything with her. I love you Kellie.” At this point he was back on his feet, trying to hold my hands in his.
“Maybe we just need some time” I said quietly. I didn’t want time but I knew we both needed it.
“I don’t want time” he said angrily.
“I’ll see you on Thanksgiving.” He got up defeated. He sighed and walked towards the living room. “Niall!” He turned around quickly, probably hoping that I changed my mind. “I love you” I reminded him. He half-smiled but it faded from his face as he left my room.
Almost three weeks without Niall. A horrible, dreadful three weeks without him. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to go to practice. Tori and Dana didn’t know the details of why I was so upset they just know that it was over some guy. They didn’t ask to many questions because they didn’t want to push me further into “my depression.”
I was such a bum. Jeans didn’t exist anymore. I wore sweats everyday. Usually the same pair for a few days before Tori made me choose a new pair. I spent most my time crying. I don’t ever recall crying this much over Louis or Liam or an ex-boyfriend.
I knew that things would be easier if I wasn’t with Niall. But I know what life is like without him. It’s miserable at best. I can’t think straight. I spend most my time listening to sad music or watching sad movies. The truth is I don’t want to move on from him. But we needed this break. I wanted it but I can barely make it through. I need to be in his arms. I need him back with me. Just not yet.
—————- ———————- ————————
I rode back home with Liam and Louis for Thanksgiving break. Tori wanted me to ride with her and Zayn but I just couldn’t be around couples right now. Liam spent a good five minutes making out with Dana before getting into the drivers seat. I buried my face in my pillow to avoid looking at the happy couple. And they weren’t even a couple. Were they? I don’t know. I felt bad because I haven’t checked in on my roommates personal lives in a while. I’m a horrible friend.
“You okay?” Liam asked once we were on the highway.
“Great” I answered sarcastically.
“What did he do?” Louis questioned with a scowl on his face.
“Who?” Liam asked.
“Niall.”
“Wait, what?” Liam started to freak out.
“Stop Liam” I sighed. “He knows.”
“Oh. Did he get with that whore again?” I cringed at the memory of him pushing Vicki into her apartment after kissing her.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You know you can” Louis turned around and placed his hand on my knee.
“It’s just… never mind.”
“Go on” Liam encouraged.
“We are so bad for each other. We are both full of revenge. We jump to conclusions. He’s 24. He should want to be with someone he can enjoy life with. Not begging a 19 year old to forgive him.
“He loves you” Louis said. “You are the best thing for him. And he’s probably the best thing for you.”
“Then why do I feel so shitty?” I began to cry and Louis hopped into the back with me. He held me in his arms as I cried into his shoulder. “See, tears” I almost laughed. “I never cry. Not over guys.”
“Because you are in love with him” Liam said, looking in his rearview mirror right at me. “Talk to him this weekend.”
“Yeah were all going out for Thanksgiving Eve. Go see him.”
“Where? At his parent’s house?” Now that Niall lives by campus he no longer has the house in our hometown. And it’s not like I have the best memories of Niall’s childhood home.
“Okay maybe not” Louis laughed.
“Maybe we should just end it.” It’s not going to get easier. I’m just a freshman and he loves his job here. If we stay together we will just be on this rollercoaster ride for the next four years. I don’t think I can emotionally handle it. We both owe it to each other to see what else is out there. I hate the thought of it but it’s what needs to be done.