justin's pov
yeah of course i kissed her, i mean who wouldn't? god i'm such an asshole.
i entered class and sat in my usual seat in the very back, not giving a shit about school. i felt madison's eyes burn into my back, so i turned to face her, which was directly behind me.
"may i help you?" i snapped.
"i didn't say anything." she mumbled.
"fucking bitch-" i growled.
"okay fine." she sighed. "what did she do to you? ever?"
i scoffed and rolled my eyes, but on the inside i really thought about this. she didn't do anything. i like her, i just didn't wanna be judged by all my friends that i liked a nerd, so i tried pushing her as far as possible.
and now that i'm thinking about it, i'm fucking stupid. i laid hands on her, who the fuck lays hands on someone they have feelings for? my fucked up ass apparently.
"exist." i growled, not meaning any of it.
she bit her lip and shook her head slightly in disbelief. i hated this, all of it. why am i so fucking messed up?
mr. butler's lecture was hella boring as usual, so i asked to use the restroom.
when i made my way out, i slid my phone out and scrolled through all my snapchats from last night.
before i could reply to any, i bumped into another figure and dropped my phone.
"are you fucking kidding me-"
"i-im so sorry, god sorry sorry-" i heard a familiar soft voice croak as she reached to grabbed my phone.
"cla-i mean nerd." i corrected myself. "scram little bitch." i forced myself to say as i grabbed my phone from her hand and continued to tower over her.
"p-please don't hurt me. i-i can't do this anymore." she whimpered, several tears sliding down her cheeks.
my heart broke at this sight. you fucking did this to her you bastard. without you she'd probably be happy, confident. but no, liking her led you to go fuck her up.
"cla-" i started.
"p-please i'm sorry i-i don't know what i did to you...b-but i'm so sorry! i'm sorry if i did anything to ever h-hurt you or upset y-you." she breathed.
i sighed and glanced down at her trembling hands, before my eyes trailed onto her wrists, her scarred wrists. my eyes widened and i mentally cursed to myself.
"i'm sorry." i whispered. she stopped her crying and glanced at me.
"w-what? y-you are?" she replied hoarsely.
i nodded slowly and wrapped my arms around her petite body, her vanilla scent circling through my nostrils.
her body tensed up, i could tell she was confused and hesitant. i began to rub her back with my hand and held her tighter, wanting to stay like this forever.
i felt her body finally relax as she hugged me back. wow, i didn't think she would. she eventually pulled away and stared at me, confusion written all over her expression.
i took a deep breath and wiggled my thumbs in my pockets.
"i-i'm sorry. you didn't deserve any of the shit i've done to you. i don't know why i'm such a jerk...i just-"
"you just what?" she sniffled. "why do you treat me like shit?"
should this be it? should i tell her why? she'll hate me, no...she'll think i'm lying. god damn it.
before i managed to reply, the bell rang, startling both her and i slightly.
"i have to go-" she whispered as she began to walk away.
"claudia-" i started, but i realized there was no use.
i felt my eyes water, but i refused to let them fall. i really fucked up this time, and i shouldn't even be the one crying. i'm the asshole who ruined her life, it was my choice.
i was too much of a pussy to actually tell her how i felt because i worried about other people judging me...but now, that doesn't even matter. i just wanna make sure she's okay.
i like her too much and it hurts to see her like this. especially when it's because of me. i need to put an end to this now.
"hey man what's good-" chad began.
"save it." i barked as i walked in claudia's direction. i had to find her and tell her the truth.
"claudia! claudia!" i called out for her, but instead i came face to face with madison.
"what the hell do you want from her?"
"madison you don't understand-"
"oh i don't hm? that you're gonna go bully the shit out of my best friend? you're messed up." she breathed.
"just let me explain-"
"don't even!" she growled as she began to walk away.
i sighed and followed her quickly and immediately tugged her arm back.
"let go of me!" she shouted as more students turned around to stare at us.
"not until you let me explain myself." i spat as i pulled her into the janitor's closet.
once we both crammed inside the room, i shut and locked the door and flipped the light.
"what do you want?" she scowled as she crossed her arms impatiently.
"i like her." i blurted.
her expression immediately went blank, confusion circling her eyes.
"what?" she managed to say.
"i like her. claudia. i've just been embarrassed so i-"
i was interrupted with a burst of laughter from madison, almost falling over.
"you're kidding me right? is this some sick joke?" she smiled sarcastically.
i clenched my jaw and swallowed hard.
"no."
"so you're telling me...that you "like" claudia." she furrowed her eyebrows.
i nodded slowly. she smiled weakly and nodded her head quickly.
"mhm and to express that feeling you bully her to the point where she can't live with herself anymore...yup. makes total sense to me!" she rolled her eyes.
"i'm sorry okay...i didn't think it was gonna go this far. i just didn't want all my friends to make fun of me for liking her. so i had to make sure no one could ever find out. so the dumbass i am, i decided to make fun of her, even though i didn't mean any of it." i mumbled.
"you're unbelievable." she breathed, tears forming in her eyes.
"i'm sorry-" i whispered.
before i could finish i was interrupted by her hand coming in contact with my cheek, hard. i groaned quietly and held onto my cheek in pain as the blood rushed into my cheek.
"how dare you treat my best friend like that, for having a fucking crush on her!" her voice cracked. "do you have any idea what she's been through? she doesn't even have fucking parents!"
her eyes began to water as she shook her head with sadness, trying not to break down.
"she has no one."
i felt my eyes pinch and rubbed my head, realizing how fucked up i was by the second. i cleared my throat quickly and took a shaky breath.
"god fuck." i mumbled under my breath. "i'm an idiot."
"yeah you fucking are." madison hissed. "a dick, an idiot, asshole, everything."
"i-"
"don't talk to me or her ever again." she bit her lip as tears rolled down her cheeks.
"madison please-"
she turned and swung the door open, running out so i couldn't catch up to her. i was stopped when john towered over me.