Georgette Heyer once wrote: There's nothing so mortifying as to fall in love with someone who does not share ones sentiments. Words like these mean nothing to a person until a personal experience can be attached to it. An experience so painful it leads a person to search literature for mere words that resonate with the multitude of emotions heartbreak hits us with.
Just as I experience, on my first day back to school after the summer holidays.
"Seriously?" I whisper, my heart shattering to pieces.
"Sorry," he replies not sounding sorry at all. "I just have other things to focus on and I don't have time to be in a relationship."
"Okay," I murmur looking at the ground, desperately holding in my tears. Fourteen years old and he has other things to worry about? Yeah right.
"I hope we can still be friends," he offers a smile. I nod stiffly before turning around and walking away, trying to keep a blank expression on my face to cover the immense hurt blaring in my chest.
First day back was going great! Note the sarcasm.
Desperately looking around for my girls, I spot them sitting at our usual table and I stop. Instead of going over to them and bawling like a baby, I rush into the girl's toilets and let a couple of tears fall. If I try too hard to keep them in, I'll probably burst into tears later and that's not an option. It's the first day back. Jesy spent the summer away and this is the first time since she left that we're spending time together. I don't want to ruin the day by bringing up drama about Zayn.
I feel some of the tenseness in my heart shift and decide to hold the rest of the hurt in until I get home. Giving it a few minutes, I allow my red eyes time to look semi-decent and then emerge from the bathroom. Luckily the bell, signifying the end of break time, rings just as I step out so I go straight to my lesson and this means I don't have to face the girls giving me the third degree. Even though my eyes look normal again, the girls will still see the pain behind them.
I am understandably quiet in the next lesson and then it's lunchtime. My other friend Gigi watches me carefully, probably realising something's wrong, so I smile as widely as I can to make her think otherwise. Somehow I manage to convince the girls I am incredibly tired, so when I spend the whole hour with my head down on the table, no-one questions it. I silently beg no-one else knows yet. That can wait for tomorrow. The bell rings again and I sigh, knowing I only have two lessons left and then I can go home and cry as much as I feel like crying.
After the long school hours are finally over, I run to my locker to get my jacket and leave the building. Outside the school gates, I see my best friend and smile weakly. Noticing the look on my face he bids his friends goodbye and runs over to me.
"You okay?" Alex asks. I grunt in response and tears begin to fall. "What happened?"
"Zayn dumped me," I say for the first time, my voice breaking.
Immediately, he puts his arm around me and squeezes me tight. When I look up at him, I see a rage of anger in his eyes and a determined look on his face as he speaks, "I'm going to kill him!"
I immediately start to protest. Zayn and Alex are really good friends, and I don't want him to fight Zayn just because of me.
Actually, who am I kidding?
I'd LOVE to see Alex beat him up. If they had a fight, Alex would wipe the floor with him. He's much stronger than Zayn. But looking past how angry and upset I am feeling I know it would be wrong to let him do so. Knowing Alex and his protectiveness, he'd probably just go up to him and punch him in the face. Plus, he'd be in a lot of trouble and could even get suspended for attacking another student unprovoked.
Unfortunately, I don't think 'Zayn dumped my best friend', would suffice as an excuse in the grand scheme of things.
Alex isn't having any of it. Adamant that he should go and 'rip Zayn's head off', he tries to get past me and go back into the school to find him, earning a lot of confused looks from the other students hanging around. It takes a lot of convincing for him to cool down. They are friends and I don't want to be the reason that is ruined. Even if I do want to see Alex kick Zayn's face. He walks me all the way home telling me that I'm better off without him and that it's his loss, but I still feel like rubbish.
Zayn was the first real boyfriend I'd ever had. The whole break-up feeling is killing me. I'd never understood girls who got all sad over boys but now I actually feel the same pain, I completely understand. It is so... weird and... disgusting. I hate it.
When I get home, I change out of my uniform into my pyjamas, grab a tub of Ben And Jerry ice-cream and play a movie called What A Girl Wants. Seeing as I am feeling such a bad ache, I figure maybe doing the typical movie and ice-cream combo would work. I don't even pick a sad movie to watch, but I just can't stop crying.
Urgh, men are trash.
When the movie ends, I'm three-quarters of the way down the tub of ice cream. I put the tub on the sofa and take my phone off charge. Unlocking it, I stare at my home screen, a picture of Zayn and me. Furiously wiping away some treacherous tears, I change the background to a picture of a flower. I swipe down on the screen to check my notifications.
Here we go.
Jade:
Babe, you okay? Please ring me.
Jesy:
He hasn't been treating you right for a while babe, you're so much better off without him.
Leigh-Anne:
We heard what happened Pez but he was never right for you and you could do so much better.
Claud:
Do you want me to go throw eggs at his house because I will if it will make you feel better?
Gigi:
You okay?
Alex:
I'd honestly kill him if you'd let me. I just want to tell you that you could do so much better than him. Just know I'm here for you, princess. Love you.
Reading Alex's message makes me smile. Ignoring it, I tap out a reply:
Love you too x
Noticing a message from Zayn, I open it eagerly thinking that maybe he was going to take back what he said. Loads of people agree to be friends after a breakup but no-one ever does. I highly doubt people text their ex-girlfriends, hours after ending it too, so maybe he's having second thoughts.
Z - Hey, can we talk?
Yeah? I replied, curious as to what he's going to say. Maybe he wants to get back with me. Maybe this whole situation has been a mistake and he regrets letting me go.
Z - Well, I basically fancy Gigi, but I know you're friends. So, would you be okay with me asking her out?
Say what?
Is this guy for real? It hasn't even been a day, what's wrong with him!?
P - Why are you asking me?
Z - Because you two are best friends and she definitely won't be with me if you're not okay with it because of your friendship.
Oh. Of course. I actually can't believe the nerve on this boy. It hurt so bad I honestly feel like someone just stuck a blade through my heart. I didn't think it could get any worse but Zayn seems set on breaking every little piece of my heart until it's utterly broken and completely unfixable.
Unrequited love sucks.
P - Do what you want. I reply and then I block his number. Allowing the tears to fall freely, I climb under my duvet and cry for what feels like ages.
What an asshole! Get back with me my ass.
I'm so stupid.
My phone vibrates again and I notice I have a message from Gigi.
G - I told him to get lost. He's a joke and he's stupid to think I'd date him.
P - Thanks, G. I reply. I feel really lucky to have her and the other girls.
I don't bother replying to any of the other messages but instead, I choose to ring Jade.
"Babe are you okay?" She asks as soon as she picks up.
"No," I mutter, picking at the ice cream with my spoon.
"I'll be there in 10 with Jesy And Leigh." She replies and cuts the call, without giving me the chance to protest.
True to her word, 10 minutes later there's a knock at the door. Opening the door quickly, I let the girls in. Leigh is holding two bottles of Sprite, Jesy is holding two boxes of pizza and Jade is holding a box of cookie dough. We spent the night watching movies, eating food, having makeovers and dressing up. It's the perfect thing to get my mind off everything.
For a few hours, the constant pain that's lodged itself at home in my heart subsides and I feel like I can breathe again. Just for those hours.
Inevitably, the girls have to go home and when I am alone again, it comes crashing down on me like a wave. I cry myself to sleep, but the next day I can't recall if I actually fell asleep or if I spent the whole night crying.
The next day I reluctantly walk into school and the second I step in through the doors, Alex and Claud were at my side.
"Guys, I'm okay," I sigh giving them a fake smile causing them both to raise an eyebrow at me. I shake my head and start about my day. Pretty much everyone knows about the breakup, from the pitying looks I am given in the hallways. I suspect Zayn told his boys about Gigi and the news spread from there.
"Hey, are you okay Pez?" Gigi asks in concern, walking up to me. I nod with a smile. "Are you sure?" She prompts but I insist I am fine.
Lessons pass by but I zone out in all of them. At lunch time I am eating with Jesy, Jade and Leigh when Alex marches over to me demanding to know what's wrong. He knows I am hurting about Zayn, but since finding out the actual reason he ended it I've felt worse and even Alex can see it. Jesy proceeds to tell him,
"Zayn basically dumped her because he fancies Gigi." The second Alex hears the name 'Gigi', he speeds off looking murderous.
We immediately run after him to stop him from doing something stupid. Jade being the fastest runner catches up with Alex first and tries to talk him out of it. She's quickly joined by Leigh and then Claud who came after us, realising something was up. They aren't able to convince him though. Alex approaches Zayn outside and they start to yell at each other. As they take menacing steps towards each other, I know they are going to fight. Running like my life depends on it, I get there in time to catch Alex's punch and push him backwards.
"Let me go," he yells angrily. I beg him to stop but he's so angry he won't listen. That's all it takes to make me begin to cry. Again.
I hate how much I'm crying lately.
I hate even more that, this time, Zayn is there to see me cry too.
The second he sees my tear-stained cheeks, he stops and starts apologising for scaring me. Whilst his eyes are off Zayn, a few boys quickly move forwards drag Zayn away and Alex's friends come running to see what's going on.
"You have to promise me you won't do anything to him!" I whisper trying to stop my tears. He looks deeply into my eyes causing butterflies to erupt in my stomach and sighs before promising he won't do anything.
Stupid Zayn for making me cry.
Stupid, amazing best friend for trying to make me feel better.
But no matter how much they all try to cheer me up I know the ache isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Georgette Heyer was right. Unrequited love hurts. It leaves us questioning what could possibly be so wrong with us, that the one we love does not love us back.
And no answer to that question will ever ease the sting of reality, where you could be perfect in every way but still not be enough.
A/N: The Hair video is exactly how I imagine the girls turning up at Perrie's house to comfort her. Hehe😃.