HELLO GUYS. PEHLI IFTARI MUBARAK <3 Ramadan Mubarak to all my lovely readers. May this month bring prosperity for you and your family, and may we strengthen our imaan during this holy month. Ameen.
As a gift for being so patient, here's the next update!! I wrote it in midst of my finals xD
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That being said, again, enjoy this update!! <3
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Sakinah's POV
"Toh kisse expect kar rahi thi itni raat ko?" Khala pushed past me, shivering from the cold.
Aap ko toh nahi.
"Kisi ko nahi," I shut the door behind her. "Aap itni raat yahaan kya kar rahi hai? Aapki flight toh kal aane wali thi na?"
"Kal hi aane wale the par Rohail ko yeh ticket sasti mil gayi, toh lo, aa gaye." I laughed at her jolly disposition. "Rahega toh kanjoos hi yeh." She said, smiling fondly.
"Aapke yeh kanjoos hai kahan?" Ayaan asked, taking her coat from her.
"Bahir hai, aa rahe hai. Socha ke aaj raat guzara yaheen kar dete hai. Koi problem toh nahi?"
"Of course not, aaye." Sabrina chirped, leading Khala into the living room.
"Ayaan, tum aur Rizwan jaa kar Khalu ki madad karo saamaan uthane mein."
"Ji Aapi." He walked out. Rizwan soon followed him out. I heard the distinct strains of Sabrina's chatter as I walked into the kitchen to put together a tray. A quick glance at the kitchen wall clock told me it was nearly 11 o'clock.
I boiled milk and measured out a precise amount of tea, making it just the way I knew Humaira Khala and Rohail Khalu liked it. Straining the hot drink into mugs, I took it out.
"Khala, agar pehle bata dete toh mein room taiyaar rakhti na aapke liye."
"Iski kya zaroorat hai beta." Khalu entered the room, shaking off the cold. I quickly took hold of his jacket and led him to the heater after greeting him with a salaam.
"Itni umr mein yeh thand aapke sehat ke liye theek nahi hai." I scolded lightly, passing him a piping hot mug of tea.
"Konsi umr, bhai?" The jolliness had returned back to Khalu's cheeks in the form of a red blush. "Abhi toh jawaani shuru hi hui hai."
"Tauba," Khala remarked. "Do bache ke baap hone ke baad janab ki jawani shuru ho rahi hai."
"Jab biwi hi aisi mili ho, toh jawan rehne ko jee chahta hai." He flirted, leaning in towards her.
"Sharam karo, bache ke saamne hi." We laughed in amusement at their banter. I whispered Mashallah under my breath at the happy couple.
"Yeh toh batao ke trip kaisa raha?" Rizwan inquired eagerly, leaning forward in his seat, elbows resting on his knees.
"Riz, Khalu Khala thak gaye honge. Kal subah baat karte hai."
"Haan beta, chalo. Sach mein bohot thak gaye hai. Itna lamba safar nahi hota yaar. Kal sab bata dete hai." Khalu stood up, knee cracking almost inaudibly.
"Aapke ghutne phir se dukh rahe hai? Main balm laon?" Ayaan stood up immediately.
"Nahi, iski zaroorat nahi hai. So jaonga, toh abhi theek ho jaayega."
"Main laga deta hoon." Ayaan left anyway.
"Uski zidd ka toh pata hi hai aapko." I chuckled, palming one of the small overnight bags. Lugging it upstairs, I opened the door and thankfully found it in suitable condition.
"Yeh lijiye, main aap ke liye paani le kar aayi."
"Sakinah, beti, thodi der yahaan beth jao. Sabrina, tum paani laa do." Khala instructed. My heart began racing.
Kaheen Khala woh baat...
After Khalu, Khala and I were alone, Khala held my shoulders, looking into my eyes.
"Kaisa chal raha hai yahaan? Koi takleef toh nahi hai na?"
"Alhamdulillah Khala, sab kuch theek hai. Ayaan ne bhi job shuru kar di hai, part time."
"Yeh toh bohot acchi baat hai, beta! Hamesha khush raho." Khalu said, patting my head.
"I really admire your strength Sakinah. Aasaan nahi hota itni si umar mein teen teen bache ki zimmedaari utha lena."
"Khala, yeh bhi aap hi ki meherbaani hai. Aap na hoti uss raat toh pata nahi main kahan jaati."
"Nahi meri jaan." She stroked my hair. "Main thi, toh itni si madad kar paayi. Par yeh sab," she gestured around the room. "Yeh sab tumne akele khada kiya hai. Ghar liya, unn teenon ki padhai ka khayal kiya. Jobs bhi pata nahi kitne kiye tumne paise bachane ke liye."
"Bas karein Khala. Mera farz hi hai jo main poori kar rahi hoon."
"Allah salamat rakhe tumhein." I smiled and replied with an "Ameen."
"Hum jab Pakistan mein the, tab humne tumhaare purane ghar dekh aaye the."
"Accha? Kaisa hai?" The old house was the one we used to live in when Ammi was alive. After Nikhat came, we shifted to a bigger house.
"Waisa hi. Nadeem kisi ko paisa de kar uski saaf-safai karwata hai."
"Haan, yeh pata hai. Kam se kam unko uss ghar ki itni toh izzat hai ke usse ganda nahi hone dete." I noticed the tense lines around Khala's mouth. "Khala, aap pareshaan kyun lag rahi hai?"
"Beta, darasal humein yeh mila tha." Khalu extended a cloth bag towards me.
"Iss mein kya hai?"
"Huma ki diary."
My smile dimmed as I looked at the little cloth bag, housing the little book that held all of Ammi's secrets. The world spun around me.
"Ammi ki diary?" I whispered, holding the bag tighter, as if it would run away from me. The minimal cloth bag now seemed way too heavy, as if instead of a book, there were rocks in it.
"Wahaan abhi bhi Huma ki bohot amaanat padhi hai, kitaabein, kuch zevaraat, kapde jaise. Lekin humein pata tha ke tumhein unn sab mein se kuch nahi chahiye. Faqt yeh diary bohot qeemti hogi tumhaare liye."
"Kam se kam Abbu ne woh sab phenkwaya toh nahi. Aur kamaal ki baat hai, abhi bhi Ammi ki zevar hai. Mujhe lagta tha ke Abbu ne Nikhat ko pehna diya hoga."
"Nahi, Huma ke saare zevar humne apne locker mein rakhwadiya." I blinked in gratitude.
"Mujhe pata tak nahi tha ke Ammi diary mein likhti thi."
"Tumhaari Ammi ki rooh iss mein basi hai Sakinah. Tum bohot khayal rakhna iska." She folded my hands around the hard rectangle. I looked into her eyes and saw the endless pain of losing her sister. The weathered skin around her eyes seemed to hide a great deal of sadness.
Aap mujhse kya chupayenge Khala, main sab jaanti hoon.
"Aap befikre rahein, main isko apni jaan se bhi zyaada qeemti samajh kar rakhoongi." My hands were trembled.
For the first time, I had the chance to find out Ammi's story. Kyun unhone aise insaan se shaadi ki? Kya hum kabhi khush the?
"Isse kholne se darr lag raha hai." I whispered, almost to myself but Khala picked up my train of thought. She raised an eyebrow at me. I voiced my fears. "Aisa na ho, ke jo tasveer hai mere bachpan ki, woh iss diary ke lafzon se toot jaaye. Ek wohi toh sahara hai mere liye, ke hum sab kabhi ek saath khush the. Agar iss diary mein kuch aur likha hua aaye toh?"
"Rizwan aur Sabrina ko abhi tak nahi bataya tum dono ne?" Khalu asked. Just then, Ayaan entered the door with some balm.
"Nahi, abhi nahi bataya." He answered for me, kneeling down by Khalu's bedside.
"Kab bataoge Sakinah?" He looked at me, disapproving. Determined, I made a quick decision.
"Kal." I decided firmly. "Hum sab unn dono ko sach bata denge. Kal."
After leaving the room, I paced back and forth in my own, the diary teasing me. I stared at the worn leather cover covered in rustic pen stains.
Iss mein meri Ammi hai. Mujhe woh waapis mil jaayegi.
After a few more steps I began thinking again. "Nahi, agar mujhe iss diary mein aisa kuch mile jo main kabhi seh na paaon?"
"Aapi, aaon andar?" Ayaan's voice sounded from behind the door.
"Haan." I answered distractedly. He pushed open the wooden door, noticing my restless pacing and the diary thrown on my bed.
"Ammi ki diary padhne ke darr rahi ho?" He spoke after a while of standing in the doorframe. I stopped moving, wringing my hands out. It was a nervous habit.
"Haan." I admitted.
"Kyun?" He entered, sitting down on my bed.
"What if I find something that I can't bear? What if it breaks the image I've always held onto of my childhood?"
"Jhoot ke sahare jeene se behtar hai ke insaan akele sach ki buniyaad par khade ho jaaye." I stared at him for a little while.
"When did my baby brother get so wise?" He laughed humorlessly. I instantly regretted the question. Luckily, he changed the topic.
"Tum sach mein kal subah Rizwan aur Sabrina ko batane wali ho?" I sighed, running my hands through my hair
"Aur koi raasta bhi toh nahi hai na Ayaan. Mujhe bohot dard hota hai jab hum khul ke Ammi ke baat nahi kar paate. Aur dono samajhdaar hai. Woh aasaani se samajh jaayenge aur main chahti hoon ke Khala aur Khalu bhi ho jab hum bataaye." I stopped and plopped down on the bed. "Tumhein kya lagta hai? Mera faisla theek hai?"
"It's always right Aapi, tumne kabhi bhi hamare haq mein koi ghalat faisle nahi liye. Par main soch raha hoon ke jis wajah se tum darr rahi ho woh diary kholne se, kya wohi wajah hai ke hum unn dono ko aaj tak bata nahi paaye?"
I sat stumped at the question, mind reeling.
Ayaan ka dimaag kahan kahan chal jaata hai
"Yeh-yeh toh socha bhi nahi maine,"
"Listen first. Just like Khala gave you the diary because it's your right to know what went on in Ammi's brain, the same is with the twins. Humein bata dena chahiye tha unhein, kyunki yeh unka haq hai. Aaj tak toh woh ek badmizaaj aurat ko apni maa samajhte rahe. Lekin mujhe bhi aisa lagta hai ke ab waqt aa hi gaya. How long will we hide this from them Aapi?"
My head began to pound. If I thought about this anymore, I would go crazy. So, naturally, I changed the subject. "Khalu ke liye balm laga diya?"
Ayaan smiled at me knowingly but let it slide. "Haan, aur Sabrina ne paani ka tray bhi rakh diya unke liye."
"Accha hai. Ab bohot raat ho gayi hai, tum bhi jaa kar so jao."
"Okay Aapi. Allah Hafiz." He pressed a careful kiss to my forehead before leaving and shutting the door quietly.
For whatever reason, my heart was feeling unbearably restless. I picked up the diary in my hand, rolling it between my palms. Kitni dafa Ammi ne kuch likha hoga iss choti si kitaab mein? Kitne saal se likh rahi hongi woh? How many times will have Ammi picked up the pen only to find herself at a loss of words? How many times will have Ammi thought that she had no one but her diary to pour her heart out to?
I flipped open the cover gently. There, in Ammi's familiar looping script was written:
Huma Nadeem Khan
I ran my fingers over the ink, feeling the slight indent from the pen being pressed too hard on the thin, yellow paper. A gasping breath left my lips as my eyes filled with tears. I shut the book and placed it in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. The lump in my throat hindered my ability to breathe.
Main nahi khol sakti isse, it's too much.
I brushed off the tears and laid back against the plump pillows, trying to get some sleep.
I tossed and turned for the better part of the night. Sick of it, I sat up in my bed, glancing at my phone charging on the side table to find that it was now 2:45 and I had yet to fall asleep. Getting up, I threw on a dupatta and descended the stairs, but not before passing Rizwan's room. Sabrina had fallen asleep there again. The twins often did this, and it wasn't uncommon to find them sleeping in the same room. My lips curved up automatically looking at their peaceful faces. The smile dropped immediately as I thought about what the morning would bring. Would the news that I was about to give them destroy that contentment? Would I be once again be responsible for their pain?
Making a mug of comforting hot chocolate, I grasped it in my cold hands and went to stand out on the porch, staring at the backyard from the wooden fence. The air left a slimy chill down my back and provoked goose bumps to stand at attention on my exposed hands. The steam from the warm mug danced erratically in the melody of the silent night.
Unknowingly, my thoughts wandered over to Shehry. The mere thought of him had a warm feeling flushing through my cold bones. I thought about what Shehry had said.
"Main samajh hi nahi paa raha tumhein."
I don't want him to understand me. To understand me, the decisions that I took, the hardships I faced, is way too much. Shehry nahi seh paayega yeh sab aur main khud nahi chahti ke usse majbooran sehna pade. Ek yehi sach hai mera. Kuch aur ho na ho, mere pass meri taaqat ka saboot toh hai.
Ayaan keh raha tha ke Shehry ke iraade nikaah ke lag rahe hai. Usse kaise pata iss baare mein? Just because of the husband-wife drama we had to put up in front of that airhead Blondie?
I exhaled, the air visibly turning white around my mouth. Taking a sip of the hot chocolate, I let the warmth slide down my throat.
"No, I'm just getting ahead of myself. Shehry ne khud toh kuch nahi kaha. Mujhse toh definitely kuch nahi kaha. Shayad yeh mera aur Ayaan ka vehem hai." I murmured to myself, turning and walking back inside.
Par itna toh vehem nahi hai ke main uss se pyaar karti hoon
I halted in my tracks, surprised at how easily this thought popped in my head.
I went back to my room after finishing the drink and on some strange impulse, pulled out Shehry's black leather jacket from the back of my closet. Dil nahi karta ke waapis de doon. I wore it, engulfing myself into his familiar musky scent, a weighty comfort that I strongly needed after the emotional night. I closed my eyes, allowing myself a split second of indulgence before I took it off and hung it at the back, hidden from sight.
It was hard to imagine. Just 24 hours ago I had fallen asleep in Shehry's arms. Whether by mistake or not, it was the most peaceful sleep I had gotten in ages. But for some reason, I wasn't being able to conjure that feeling up again as I relaxed in my bed, shivering slightly. I shook off these thoughts, tired of my brain running so much. I sat up another time and opened my bedside drawer again, staring at the leather cover again. Shaking off these thoughts, I reached down and pulled out my old copy of Quran, deciding to pray a little to get some peace. I opened it and began reciting the soothing words when I came across this verse and its translation:
"Beshak, har mushkil ke saath aasaani hai." [94:5]
Verily, with hardship comes ease.
I pondered upon this and thanked Allah for how much I had. It was true. There were a lot of hardships, but I had my ease in the form of my religion, my siblings, my friends and family. After reading a few more verses, my heart finally felt at peace. I closed the hardcover, stroking the cloth cover on it.
"Ya Allah, Tu madad farma, yeh asaan nahi hoga, na Ayaan ke liye aur na hi mere liye. Tu Reham hai, Rahim hai, madad farma mere Rabb, madad farma." With this last prayer, I finally fell asleep.
My alarm went off at exactly 7. I groaned and got up, feeling bedraggled. The sun was glaring at me mockingly through the curtains. Drowsy and dizzy, I stumbled into the washroom, freshening up before heading downstairs to make breakfast.
I collected the newspaper from outside, setting it on the table for Khalu before switching on the coffee machine.
"Good morning, Aapi." Rizwan yawned as he came in stretching. At my warning look, he quickly corrected himself. "Assalamualaikum, Aapi."
I smiled, satisfied. "Walaikumassalam and good morning."
"Kya bana rahi ho aaj naashte mein?"
"Apna regular, eggs, toast. Woh sab. Khala Khalu baaki sab nahi khaayenge, aur shayad der tak so bhi le."
"Nahi sote, uth gaya, dekho." Khalu came into the room, spreading his arms wide. Rizwan ran into them. I laughed at the excitement and looked back at the tea boiling on the stove.
"Rohail Khalu, aap mere favourite ho." Rizwan said sweetly.
"Tumhaare liye kuch nahi hai mere paas, dafa ho." Khalu snorted before taking a seat at the table. Rizwan's mouth hung open in surprise. He clenched his jaw and took a seat next to Khalu.
"Aap ko aisa kyun laga ke main kuch maang raha hoon aapse?"
"Beta, main tumhein tab se jaanta hoon jab tum apne pants mein susu kar dete the." A flush spread across Rizwan's cheeks. "Ang ang se waaqif hoon tumhaare. Aisa tum tab hi bolte ho jab kuch chahiye hota hai."
"Rag rag se." He muttered under his breath.
"Kya?" Rizwan cleared his throat and repeated himself.
"Muhavra yeh hai. Rag rag se waaqif hoon."
"Haan haan wohi." Khalu brushed him off and opened the newspaper, setting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. "Ab ang se ho ya rag se, waaqif toh hoon." Rizwan huffed and left the room.
"Khala abhi so rahi hai?" I asked, straining the tea into the little cups Khalu liked to drink out of. I set the cup next to him.
"Nahi, woh abhi taiyaar ho kar neeche aayegi. Tumhaari Khala ka toh pata hai tumhein. Chahe jitni der se soye ho, uthna toh jaldi hi hai. Aur itne saalon baad main bhi aadi ho gaya hoon."
I wiped my hands with a washcloth and sat down next to Khalu, hesitant.
"Khalu..." I began, unsure of how to frame the question.
"Hm?" After seeing me struggle to find words, he set his newspaper down and gave me his full attention, encircling his fingers together to look at me intently.
"Aapko lagta hai ke mera faisla sahi hai unn dono ko abhi batane ka?" I asked finally.
"Poori raat yehi soch mein laga diya na." He stated, observing the dark shadows underneath my eyes. I lowered my gaze, slightly embarrassed at how childish I sounded. A minute later, Khalu rested his hand on my head, a welcoming weight. "Sakinah, Khuda ne tumhein bohot himmat di hai Mashallah, iss liye tum apne pairon pe khade ho, itna sab kuch ho jaane ke baad bhi. Toh yeh faisla uthane ki himmat bhi tumhein Wohi dega. Tum apne dil mein hi jhaanko, tumhein lag raha hai ke qadam sahi hai?"
"Haan, par-"
Khalu cut me off. "Par kuch nahi. Darr ke aage tum ek qadam badaogi, aage ke dus qadam aasaan ho jaayenge. Tum khud jaanti ho ke yehi sahi hai tumhaare khaandaan ke liye, toh mujhe kyun pooch rahi ho?"
"Khalu aapne hamesha mujhe support kiya hai. Baap ka farz aapne poore teht se nibhaya hai. Aaj main aap dono ke bina kuch nahi kar sakti." Khalu chuckled.
"Toh sahi hai, hum hai tumhaare liye, aur hamesha rahenge. Aur uss se bhi zyaada, Allah bhi toh hamesha tumhaare saath hai na."
"Beshak."
"Phir? Kis baat ka darr hai? Shayad yehi waqt likha tha Allah ne. Ab jab ke tumhein samajh aa gayi hai ke kya karna hai, toh zyaada sochne ka kya fayda?" I mulled over this. After a few minutes and a half cup of tea, Khalu spoke up again in his gentle, soothing voice.
"Sakinah, yeh sawal jaiz hai, iska matlab yeh nahi hai ke tum kamzor padh gayi ho. Yeh sawal bachkana nahi hai. Don't think about it like that. Ek chote se sawal se kya tum gir jaogi meri nazron mein?"
"Kamal hai Khalu, aapse toh koi baat chupa bhi nahi paati." I complained. He laughed and pointed at me in good humor.
"Now that's being childish." I giggled and got back up to set everything out on the table.
"Kya baatein ho rahi hai Khalu-bhaanji mein?" Khala bustled into the kitchen. I greeted her and set a cup of tea down in front of her.
"Kuch nahi Humaira begum, yeh bas thodi ghabra rahi thi."
"Toh aur kya karoon Khalu? Itna dukh toh pehle hi de diya maine unko."
"Nahi meri bacchi aisa nahi kehte. Tum le kar nahi jaati toh aage ka raasta bohot mushkil ho jaata unke liye. Unki hifaazat ke liye tumne qadam uthaya, uss mein kya afsos?"
"Afsos nahi hai Khala, bas pata nahi, bura phir bhi lagta hai." It felt strange to use such a superficial word to describe the rising turmoil inside me.
"Aapi!" Sabrina came rushing in. My heart nearly stopped. What if she heard us?
"Kya hua?"
"Ayaan bhai mujhe tang kar raha hai." I looked past her shoulder to see Ayaan leaning on the doorframe, smirking.
"Ab kya kar diya isne?"
"Khud hi janab se pooch lo." Sabrina huffed, much like her twin brother did a mere ten minutes ago and flounced out of the kitchen, shoving Ayaan's shoulder on the way out.
"Arre? Yeh sach batayega kya?" I called out to her.
"Tumse toh kabhi jhoot bolta nahi hai yeh mahan insaan." She shouted back. Ayaan let out a snort of laughter.
"Main hoon hi mahan, accha hai ke tujhe aqal aa gayi." He yelled after her.
"Shut up!" Seconds later, there was the sound of a door shutting not-so-gently. Khala was shaking with laughter while Khalu just shook his head in exasperation.
"Pata nahi kaise sambhalti ho tum inn teen namoone ko." I shook my head with him, shrugging. I didn't know either.
"What have you done to her now?" I directed the question to Ayaan, who shrugged uncaringly.
"Kuch bhi toh nahi."
"Kuch toh kiya hoga." I turned and cracked another egg into the pan, scrambling it. "Chalo ab, jaa kar unn dono ko bula lo, naashta taiyaar hai."
"Rizwan! Sabrina." I covered my ears at his hollering and smacked his shoulder.
"Gala mera bhi hai idiot. Upar jaa kar bula lo, kyun chilla raha hai?"
"Ab uss mein kya mazaa?" I shot him a glare. He threw his hands up and went.
"Accha, that's how you handle them." Khalu nodded and sipped on his tea, returning to the newspaper, glasses now perched awkwardly on his nose. I sat down at the table with the remaining plates of eggs and toasts. Rizwan came in with Ayaan and Sabrina closely following, bickering as they went. I cleared my throat and instantly they stopped.
"Ayaan, tumhaari coffee ban gayi hai aur tum dono ka doodh andar fridge mein hai." They complied with my unsaid request and fetched it from the kitchen, taking a seat.
"Kaisa raha aapka trip?" Rizwan wasted no time in trying to find out. A chorus of laughter resonated around the table at his eagerness
"Alhamdulillah, bohot hi zabardast. Thoda sa waqt rishtedaaron ke saath guzar kar accha laga. Tum logon ko bohot yaad karte hai sab, pooch rahe the tumhaare."
"Hum bhi bhoolne wali cheez hai kya?" Sabrina jerked her collar.
They dissolved into giggles. "Nahi, bilkul bhi nahi."
"Murree gaye the aap?" I asked, buttering up a slice of toast for Ayaan.
"Haan," Khala laughed. "Wahaan toh jaana hi padhta hai. Thand ki baat hi nahi ho sakti thi."
"At least it's not too cold here. Aaram se reh lijiye aap dono." Ayaan tore into the piece of bread, crumbs falling onto the table. I pressed my lips together at the mess but didn't say anything.
"Toh aaj ka kya plan hai Khala?" Sabrina asked, digging into her plate.
"Woh...hum ghar chale jaayenge aaj, par uss se pehle hum tum charon ke liye kuch le kar aaye hai."
"Khala-" I began only to be cut off by Khalu.
"Sakinah. Itna toh karne do humein." His tone was gentle. I glanced down at my plate, shoulders tensing up. Barson se aadat padh gayi hai, ab kya karoon.
We finished off the rest of the meal in silence, littered with small meaningless conversation. As the clock ticked by, my nervousness rose. My hands felt unexplainably cold and were trembling slightly. Ayaan, seated at my side, nudged my shoulder a little and gave me an encouraging smile.
Yeh mujhe kya tasalli de raha hai, iske khud ke aankhon ke neeche saboot hai ke yeh bhi do lambi raaton se soya nahi hai.
"Rizwan, Sabrina, we need to confess something to you." I spoke gravely, voice shaking to betray the hidden nervousness in my tone.
"Okay, what is it?" Sabrina chirped, oblivious to my inner struggle. Rizwan looked over at me, assessing my tone with that perspective mind of his.
"Jaani..."
"Chalo living room mein jaate hai." Ayaan suggested. The chairs scraped against the tile floors as everyone got up and left. I remained seated, taking a few deep breaths. A dull ache began near my sternum, radiating to my stomach which tightened with nervousness. Ayaan stayed behind, squatting down next to my chair. He gripped my freezing hands in his own warm ones.
"Aapi, tum kar sakti ho yeh. It'll be all fine, tumhein pata toh hai ke Rizwan aur Sabrina Nikhat ke baare mein kya sochte hai."
"Mujhe pata hai ke yeh sahi hai par mere paas lafz hi nahi hai ke main bayaan karoon."
"Hum hain na tumhaare paas. Ab chalo." I felt like I was going to faint with the amount of stress I'd been taking lately. Ayaan grasped my hand tightly and pulled me out of the kitchen. I licked my dry lips, praying under my breath.
"Aapi why are you so nervous?" I took in a deep breath, holding onto it for a moment before letting it out. Blood pounded in my temples, matching the wayward beat of my heart.
Rip the bandage off.
"Nikhat is not your mother."
Rizwan's POV
At first, I didn't process what she was saying
And then, it sunk in.
My world shattered around me. Suddenly, all my senses numbed and all I could hear was the blood roaring in my ears. It was like the only truth I'd been standing on had been yanked from beneath my feet.
"What?" I distantly heard Sabrina say.
"Matlab...we aren't siblings?" It was strange and probably made me a horrible person, but I felt no sadness at knowing the woman I'd thought of as my mother wasn't my mom. In fact, I felt relief.
I only felt fear at the prospect of not sharing blood with the only two parental figures I'd ever known.
Ayaan bhai, who'd helped me with "boy" things Aapi couldn't.
Ayaan bhai helping me through homework assignments when Aapi was too busy.
Ayaan bhai teaching Sabrina and I how to ride a bike, then laughing at us when we fell before coming around to help us up.
Aapi holding onto me as she helped me take my first step.
Aapi, by god, the amount of maternal love I've gotten from her was way more than I've ever gotten from the woman I'd thought had given birth to me.
"No we are. Sweetheart, we are." Aapi's voice was trembling so badly. I felt how frozen Sabrina was in the seat beside me.
Khala sensed that Aapi wouldn't be able to go on and began narrating the explanation.
"Tum chaaron meri behen ki aulaad ho." I had never heard of Khala's sister in all the time we'd spent with her.
"Aapki behen bhi hai?"
"Hai nahi, thi." Her voice filled with sorrow and a fine sheen of liquid glossed over her eyes. This was another blow to my chest. For the second time that day, the ground shook underneath me. Abhi abhi toh Ammi mili thi, only to find out ke woh ab iss duniya mein hai hi nahi. "Huma meri choti behen thi. Ek doosre se bohot qareeb the hum. Jab uski shaadi ke liye ladke dhoondne lage, tab bohot mile the. Lekin Huma Nadeem ko pasand karti thi. Kuch dinon baad Nadeem ne rishta bheja. Abbu bohot khush the uss rishte se. Unko lagta tha ke unki beti ke liye behtar rishta aa hi nahi sakta tha. Nadeem ke paas sab kuch tha, paisa, accha khaandaan, Huma ko khush rakh sakta tha. Par main khush nahi thi. Huma ko kai dafa batane ki koshish ki ke yeh accha ladka nahi hai."
Khalu picked up from there. "Mere paas aaya karti thi, Jeeju jeeju kehte. Maine usse kaafi samjhane ki koshish ki ke Nadeem ke nazar mein hi mujhe kuch ajeeb lagta tha, aur mera dil nahi maan raha tha Huma ko uske ghar rukhsat karna."
"Par woh ardh gayi thi apne zidd par. Kehti thi ke aap log chahte hi nahi ho ke main khush rahoon. Ab iss jumle ke saamne hum kya jawab dete? Abbu ne bhi poocha ke humein kya masla hai Nadeem se par hum kuch keh na paaye."
"Humne haar maan liya aur balakhir nikaah ho gaya. Kuch saalon tak woh bohot khush rahi. Pehle Sakinah aayi, phir do saal baad chota sa Ayaan." Khala's eyes were brimming with tears, while Aapi was visibly shaking. I went over and sank to my knees in front of her. "Phir aur teen saal baad tum dono aaye."
"Phir kya hua?" I asked.
"Humein laga ke shayad hum ghalat the andaaza lagane mein. Par phir, Nadeem ke rawaiye mein tabdeeli aa gayi thi. Ab woh khush ho kar tum logon ke saath nahi khelte the. Khafa ho jaate the, naraaz ho jaate the. He began to lose his control on his anger, sometimes resorting to violence. Aksar cheezon ko todh deta tha. Mujhe nahi pata agar usne kabhi Huma pe haath uthaya ya nahi."
"Ammi par haath uthaya tha usne, ek baar jahaan tak mujhe yaad hai." Ayaan bhai answered, pushing off the wall and seating himself next to Sabrina, pulling her into his side as a way of offering comfort. Not for the first time, I felt a rising urge to punch this man in the face.
"Tum logon pe kabhi uthaya, uss raat se pehle?" Khala asked. I saw Aapi look up and frantically shake her head at Ayaan bhai but he ignored her.
"Nahi, Aapi ne hone nahi diya. Sirf Aapi par haath uthata tha woh. Woh bhi kai dafa." A surge of anger boiled my blood.
"Kyun? Aapi kyun?" I looked up into her tear-streaked face. I rested my forehead in her lap, feeling so overwhelmed.
Aapi ne aise chupke se kitni dafa hifazat ki hogi hamari?
"Main kaise unhein haath uthane deti Riz?" She whispered softly, brushing a drop of liquid away. "Bas do minute ka dard toh tha."
"Haan, aur uss do minute ne jo zindagi bhar ke zakhm laga diye, uska kya?" Ayaan bhai lashed out. Aapi shut her eyes for a brief moment. "Yehi cheez hai tumhaari, jis ki wajah se mujhe dono fakhr aur ghussa aata hai tum par."
"Kya cheez?"
"Iss zaleel aadmi ke harkat ke baad bhi tum izzat deti ho."
"Baap hai Ayaan."
"Baap ka farz toh kabhi ada kiya hi nahi." Aapi parted her lips to say something but Khalu interrupted her before she could say anything.
"Bas Ayaan." Khalu stopped him. "Tum chahe pasand karo ya na karo, tumhaara baap toh hai. Izzat se baat karo, yehi seekha hai tumne apni Aapi se na? Par kitna gira hua insaan hai, beti par koi haath uthata hai? Woh bhi jawan beti? Allah ki rehmat hoti hai betiyaan."
"Aage kya hua?"
"Jab tum do saal ke the, tab Huma ka accident hua. Woh apne zakhmon ko seh nahi paayi aur uska inteqaal ho gaya."
Inna lillahi wa inna elayhi raa'jioon.
We belong to Allah and to Him we shall return.
Aapi's face paled even more, hands trembling.
"Aapi?" I shook her hands a little. She looked at me weakly. There was something in her eyes that I couldn't recognize, couldn't pinpoint. I observed her closely, the fatigue in the lines around her mouth, the pursed lips, the bruises under her eyes.
Aise bohot se bruises aaye honge Aapi ke jism par jab hum wahan rehte the. Kitne chupaye honge Aapi ne?
"Sirf do hafte hue the tumhaari Ammi ko guzre hue, aur Nadeem ne phir se shaadi kar li, Nikhat se. Tum dono bohot chote the, iss liye tumne apni Ammi Nikhat ko hi samajh liya." At the completion of this story, we remained in silence before I broke it.
"Ammi ki tasveer hai?"
"Woh hall mein Ammi hi hai." Aapi said, referring to the portrait of us posing with an elegant looking woman. Now that I knew who she was, I recognized the similarities between her and us. Aapi was like a carbon copy of her. Sabrina had her smile, while Ayaan bhai and I had her eyes.
"Itne saalon mein Ammi hamari naak ke neeche hi rahi hai, aur humein pata tak nahi?"
"I didn't want to become the cause of your pain again." Aapi whispered. "Sabrina, kuch bolo meri jaan." She begged, standing up on wobbly feet. Sabrina got up as if in a trance and walked out of the room, leaving the rest of us shell-shocked. Moments later, there was the tell-tale sound of a door opening and closing. Aapi stepped forward but I pushed her gently back down.
"Main dekhta hoon usse."
Sabrina's POV
I sat down hard on the bed and threw my head into my hands. The door creaked open, revealing the only person I could tolerate right now. A lump arose in my throat. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing would work its way past the barrier in my throat.
Rizwan sat down next to me, linking his hands together silently. I looked at his strong jaw, the familiar features of my twin before slumping down and burying my face in his chest, wanting to shake off the horrible reality we were just plunged into. He shifted to free his arms and pulled me closer to his hard chest, resting one hand at the back of my head. At this action of his, the tears rushed forth, and I began sobbing, unable to stop myself.
"Bas Sabri, chup ho jao. Beemar padh jaoge." I barely heard him speak up, still unable to stop crying. I suddenly felt my hair getting wet. That only made me cry harder.
"Kis baat ka dukh hai tumhein?" Rizwan asked after I'd quieted down a little bit. I didn't know how to answer that question. Shivers still wracked my body, now enclosed in the security of my brother's arms.
"We didn't even get a chance to meet her, too know her." I sniffled. I don't know if I was audible, because I was making every effort to bury myself deeper and deeper into him in hope that this horrible nightmare would go away. This resulted in him almost being pushed flat onto the bed.
"We have met her Sabri."
"Kab?" I shoved him away from me suddenly, anger rising in me. I stood up, volume increasing with every accentuated word until I was shouting. "Nadeem Khan ne toh woh bhi naseeb hone nahi diya! Do hafte. Chauda dinon mein doosri shaadi kar li, souteli maa laa diya. Aur hum ghaafil bewakoofon ki tarah usse apni Maa samajhte rahe. Kabhi yeh nahi socha ke Aapi aur Ayaan bhai Nikhat ko Ammi kyun nahi kehte the?"
"Ayaan bhai kehta hai ke Aapi roobaroo Ammi ki copy." He said softly.
"Mujhe Aapi nahi, Ammi chahiye. This is not fair!" Distantly, I realized how selfish I sounded when a change came over Rizwan's expression. Yet he managed to keep his calm, something that was usually me. Normally, it was him who got angry too fast, and I was the one stuck trying to cool him off.
"Sabrina, Ammi sirf hum se cheeni nahi gayi. Unke baad se Aapi hamari zarooriyat poori karne ki koshish mein lagi hai, kabhi sukoon se bethti bhi nahi hai inn saalon mein. Just think about it. Think back to as far as you can remember, who is the one person you've seen by our side more than anyone else?"
"I know, Aapi hi thi par-" Rizwan was on a roll now.
"She's been more of a mother than Nikhat has, and if this is the teaching of Ammi, then just think, kitni acchi aurat hongi woh. Hum itne toh khush naseeb hai ke aisi aurat ke khok se paida hue hai."
This wasn't my seventeen-year old immature, boyish, idiotic brother speaking. This...man...spoke of things far beyond his age. Rizwan plowed on.
"Pandra saal. I am having trouble digesting that Aapi has taken care of us ever since she was seven. She's protected us from everything, abuse, further responsibilities, everything." My anger drained out of me. Suddenly I felt weaker than I had ever felt before. "Uski zindagi tak chheeni gayi uss se. Khud apne khwaabon ka ghar todh diya, hamare khwaabon ki buniyaad banane ke liye. I don't know how she's so selfless, how she can throw everything away just to keep a smile on our faces."
"It's not fair Riz. Allah kyun humein itna aazma raha hai?"
"Aazmaish ke baad hi accha waqt shuru hota hai. Aur Woh apne bandon ko utna hi aazmaata hai jitna woh bardasht kar sake." Rizwan scrubbed his face to remove any traces of having cried.
"Main thak gayi hoon ab." I felt tears welling up again. Rizwan placed a hand on my shoulder and hugged me again, resting his chin on my head. I took in a deep breath, trying to control the overwhelming emotions. I could hardly imagine how hard it must have been on Aapi and Ayaan bhai to harbor this secret, only to protect us from being more damaged.
"Neeche chale? I can bet they're all worried sick."
"Haan." We walked out of the room together.
Aapi was the first to rush over to me when we entered the room. She stopped a short distance, looking unsure of how I would react. I observed the familiarity of her, gratitude and love bubbling in my chest like the most potent potion.
"Aapi." I breathed before closing the distance and wrapping my arms around her like a little kid, as if I was seven again instead of seventeen. Her arms hung by her sides for a shocked moment before quickly coming around me tightly. She was almost cutting off my air circulation but I didn't care.
I felt another hand on my shoulder and pulled away from her to turn towards Khala. "Beta, tumhaari Aapi ne bohot kuch kiya hai tumhaare liye. Tumhaara udaas hona jaiz hai lekin kabhi yeh mat samajhna ke tumhaare sir se Ammi ka saya uth gaya hai. Sakinah ne woh saare farz nibhaaye hai tum logon ki khaatir. Bilkul Huma ki hi copy hai Sakinah, aisa lagta hai ke mujhe meri behen waapis mil gayi." Aapi managed to force a smile, looking at the ground.
"Thank you so much Aapi. Agar tum na hoti, toh Allah jaane hum teen kahan hote." She looked up at me, tears shimmering in her eyes. The pain in my chest eased.
"Okay that's enough tears. It's gone now, Ammi hamare dil mein hai and main zamaanat deta hoon ke agar woh humein itna dukhi dekhti toh naraaz ho jaati. Let's lighten up the mood a little bit now." Ayaan bhai stood from his seat on the couch.
"Yea!" Khalu exclaimed, bringing forth a few wrapped packages.
"Aap hamesha jaate hai, aur hamesha kuch na kuch le kar aate hai." Rizwan grumbled from behind me. I brushed off the remaining tear tracks, now feeling much better.
"Apne hi bachon ke liye kuch laa rahe hain, uss mein kya naya hai?" He defended himself. I giggled a little. At this, Khalu's lips quirked up and he passed me a silver wrapped package. Rizwan got a blue one, Ayaan a similar green one and Aapi a small, compact multi-coloured one.
"Ironic Khalu, Aapi rang-birangi cheezon nahi pasand karti." I smirked.
"I know." He said smugly. Aapi looked at him flatly. We laughed, breaking the tense atmosphere. I tore open my package, revealing a beautiful kurta. I pulled it out and let my eyes roam over it. It was black with very simple white embroidery on the top and going down the length of the fabric. Mirrors littered themselves around the neck, sewn in with black thread. The sleeves were three-fourths the length of my arm and were adorned with another short embroidered design.
"It's so beautiful, thank you so much!" I jumped up from my seat to go hug them. Khalu patted my back while Khala pinched my cheeks.
"Khush raho." I smiled widely, considering myself to be the most content I had been in a long while.
"Khalu, bomb kurta hai." Rizwan put in his two cents. I turned to give him an annoyed look before realizing that he was talking about his own gift. Ayaan bhai held up a similar men's kurta, his in off-white and Rizwan's in brown.
"Man'na padega, aapki fashion sense kamaal ki hai Khala." Ayaan bhai remarked, inciting a blush on Khala's face.
"Oye, meri biwi par line maarta hai?" Khalu glared threateningly at him. Ayaan bhai stuck his hands up.
"Mera iraada toh nahi tha. I can't help that I'm so handsome ke choti si tareef bhi flirting lagti hai!"
"Kis angle se handsome hai tu."
"Jis angle se woh dikhe na." Rizwan snorted. Ayaan bhai blew out an annoyed breath.
"Aapi, kya mila?" I asked her, who was staring down at the package in her hand. The crazy coloured paper was lying next to her on the couch.
"Yeh...this is too much Khala." She protested softly and quietly. Khala shook her head.
"Nahi Sakinah, it's not. Rakh lo, please."
"Par what is it?" Ayaan bhai took the package from her hand. A smile broke out on his face. "It's a locket with the picture of Ammi and us." He removed the necklace from its box and held it up so we could see it. The thin chain shimmered joyfully under the light and the diamonds on the small heart-shaped pendant twinkled.
"It's so pretty Aapi!" Rizwan exclaimed.
"Khala, pehna do Aapi ko." Ayaan bhai passed it to her. Aapi remained seated, still looking quite struck. I rolled my eyes and walked over to get her, grabbing her arm and pulling her over to where Khala was seated. She removed her hair from her neck. Khala quickly fastened the chain around her neck and kissed the top of her head.
"Let things flow as they are Sakinah, humse lene mein kya sharmindgi? Humaira aage peeche ho gayi thi tum sab ke liye gifts lene mein." Khalu chuckled, fondness apparent in his voice.
"Shukriya." Aapi thanked, still in that weak voice. My eyebrows furrowed.
"Aapi, tum upar jaa kar aaram karo. I think tum bohot thaki hui ho." I knew she hadn't slept last night from the drowsy way she was moving.
"No, I'm fine." She declined, fingering the locket around her neck. The chain settled itself in the delicate curves of her collarbone.
"You haven't slept last night, go take a nap."
"No, I'm seriously okay. I'm going to wash my face and then make lunch. Sandwiches are good for you all?"
"Beta, hum nikalte hai abhi."
"Abhi? Lunch kar ke toh jaayein!" Aapi pivoted in her tracks.
"Madiha is waiting for our call, ghar pohanch kar hi call karoongi usse." Khalu said, referring to their 23 year old daughter who was now studying in Chicago.
"Madiha Aapi kab aane wali hai yahaan?"
"Semester break mein aayegi woh. Keh rahi thi ke usse credits transfer karne hai."
"University of Houston mein jaayegi?" Ayaan bhai sat up. I could practically see the gears in his mind working.
"Aisa kuch toh keh rahi thi." Khalu stood up and dusted off his hands. "Chalo phir."
Rizwan came down the stairs armed with their bags. I hadn't even noticed that he'd left.
We walked around to the driveway and packed their luggage into the car.
"Chalein Khala, hum bhi chakkar lagate hai aapke ghar." Aapi said. "Thank you so much yeh sab ke liye."
"Apni Khala ko thanks bolti hai badtameez?" She said in mock-anger.
"Leh, thank you bolne se bhi koi badtameez hota hai?" Aapi replied humourously. Khala hugged her before coming to me. She hugged me a short while longer and whispered in my ear.
"Tumhaari Ammi woh hi hai, meri jaan. Take care of her Sabrina, she's been through too much." I pulled back and nodded once in affirmation.
"I will." Khala smiled.
After they had left, I turned towards Aapi who was staring after the black car with a distant look on her face.
"Aapi."
"Hm?" She said, not removing her gaze. I took a deep breath and uttered the words that had been on my mind for a while.
"Tum humein Ammi ki qabar tak le jaoge?"
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Wellllllll...kaisa tha?
No Shehry in this chapter, though, Sakinah thinks quite a lot about our hero ;)
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I will take time to update, so please do not expect much from me before 16 June. As soon as school lets out, I will update the next chapter.
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