Ø Google: I know everything.
Facebook: Well, I know everyone.
Internet: Both of you are nothing without me.
Electricity: Keep talking, fools.
Ø I can melt ice with my mind!... it just takes a few minutes
Ø Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says, “push”
Ø Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and slap them.
Ø How I see math problems: If you have 4 pencils and I have 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.
Ø We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Ø Fri (end), Girlfri (end), Boyfri (end), Bestfri (end) Everything has an end, Pizza doesn’t.
Ø Dear math, please stop asking me to find your x. He’s not coming back.
Ø Math: the only place where people can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why…
Ø Math is a drama queen. It can’t seriously have that many problems.
Ø John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes, John has diabetes.
Ø I used to be good at math, until they started putting the alphabet into the equation.
Ø I hate when I am taking a math test and my answer is nowhere near the multiple choices.
Ø There are 3 kinds of people in this world, those who are good at math, and those who aren’t.
Ø I pored redbull in my coffee this morning. I can see sounds.
Ø When a totally random person insults someone you hate: I Like You.
Ø I don’t know what’s more awkward answering Dora or sitting in science while she stares at you.
Ø A good boyfriend will never wanna change anything about you…. Except your last name.
Ø I feel so betrayed when the baby smiles right before puking all over me.
Ø The four stages of life:
You believe in Santa clause
You don’t believe in Santa Clause
You are Santa Clause
You look like Santa Clause.
Ø Alcohol…because no great story starts with a salad.
Ø I have metal fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.
Ø Go away sun, I’m not done with yesterday yet.
Ø I shall have four children. My first daughter shall be named Stacy. I’ll be Stacy’s mom, and I shall have it going on. My first son shall be named Luke so my husband can say, “Luke, I am your father.” My second daughter shall be named Narnia. Whenever I get something for her, I shall proclaim, “For Narnia!” And my last son shall be named Sparta. Thus, when I introduce him, I shall announce, “This is Sparta!”
Ø If you’re hotter than me does that mean I’m cooler than you?
Ø The more people I meet the more I like my DOG.
Ø Stop waiting for Prince Charming and get up and find him. The poor idiot might be stuck in a tree or something.
Ø Finally makes crush laugh, by asking her out.
Ø LOOK LEFT--------------------------------à You failed.
Ø AS I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Ø If I was a bird I know who I’d poop on.
Ø You know we’re good friends when I no longer feel the need to clean up before you come over.
Ø I’m actually not funny, I’m really mean and people think I’m joking.
Ø There’s one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half. I don’t want two of you around.
Ø The year 2013 the first year since 1987 to have four different numbers.
Ø You are such a great friend but if zombies chase us, I’m tripping you.
Ø No, no, no I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.
Ø No one brings two people together faster than the hatred of the third person.
Ø Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “You can see me?”
Ø Prank idea: Put on a neon green morph suit and break into a news studio and harass the weatherman. Nobody at home will know why he’s freaking out.
Ø The Walmart game, you can only buy three items. What do you buy to freak the cashier out the most?