Some officers let me stay with them behind the glass as the helicopter departs with Ben and Squad 53.
I know I shouldn't cry—Ben is proud to do this. But I can't help it. I tightly hold Sissy's necklace. It's what binds me to him, what completes the circle.
He doesn't need to come back. He has to come back.
When the helicopter is far out of sight I'm rushed out and back among recruits. To keep my mind off things I help tidy up after the ceremony and prepare some obstacle courses for the future.
"You seem distracted, Private," a voice behind me notes. The authority of Commander Vosch is uncountable.
I stand, turn around (God, I was facing him with my butt in the air!) and salute him. "Sir."
He dismissively waves a hand at me. "No need for that. Tell me, what's on your mind."
I nearly suggest him to plug me into Wonderland and he'll find out. But I don't want him to know about Ben. I rake my brain for a more appropriate topic to go for. "Sir, about Private Slingshot . . ."
His eyebrow quirks up. "Yes?"
I pretend to straighten my uniform, hoping he doesn't see how bad my hands are sweating. "Sir, I don't think his death was suicide, sir," I admit.
This has to be the first time in, like, ever I see Vosch show emotion. And it's surprise and incomprehension. Two things I never thought could be worn at once, let alone on a military camp officer. "What makes you say that?"
I mentally list the clues so I don't get stuck when talking. "Sir, Slingshot was Catholic. Suicide is a sin. His suicide note was written on toilet paper, even though he had perfectly empty paper in his bed, under his pillow. Not to mention the note was unfinished and hidden. The door to our squad's bathroom was also damaged at the sides, as if someone broke in. Sir, I'm quite certain about this."
Vosch taps his chin. His expression shows his thoughts are far away. Finally, he looks up. "Private, how much sleep have you been getting lately?"
I swallow. Damn. "Sir, I'm having trouble regulating a pattern, sir," I admit.
He nods, as if that is exactly what he expected to hear. "Yes. Now see, Marionette, sleep deprivation can play tricks on your mind. You might think all this is reality, but facts might be completely different. And there's only one way to know for sure."
My throat tightens. I know what he means. "No," I say quickly. I can't go through the Wonderland again! I promised myself I would keep Ben a secret. We can get into so much trouble for all this! He could lose his rank because of me! Oh god, I just had to chit-chat with Commander Vosch. I wish I could rip all my hair out of my sculp. How am I so moronic?
Vosch signals two guys and they advance. "I am sorry, child."
Not very heroically, I am pulled away, kicking and screaming. I imagine Flintstone, smiling and laughing at me. It's just so obvious!
What does Flintstone know?