After Chris finished up with 'Many a Splendid Thing' we just stayed in LA. We didn't even discuss it. Neither of us even brought it up. I know for me, I just wasn't ready. We bought a house to be our family house, to raise kids in, and now it was just a reminder of what we'd lost. I was also not ready to be around his family doing family things yet. Being in LA meant I could pretend just for a little while that's not what our plans were. That our plans were just to hang about being the way we'd always been in LA.
I guess maybe Chris felt the same way. Like I said. We didn't talk about it. Maybe not the best way to relationship. I just - I struggled.
I did sort out my future work. I received a research grant that was impressively funded. It paid my salary, the salary for two other postdocs and for equipment and other things needed. With all that, Harvard welcomed me into their University with open arms. All they needed to do was provide some empty offices and they had money and their names on future papers from a scientist that had already made a name for herself in the early part of her career. It was like Christmas had come early for them.
When I told Chris, he wasn't as excited as I thought he would be.
"What the fuck, Emily? Why didn't you tell me?" He snapped.
"I wasn't sure it would work. I also thought you'd be happy. It's a job near our new house. Isn't that a good thing?" I said. I was completely perplexed at this reaction.
He got up and stormed outside. I followed after him. He stopped by the door and patted his jacked. Swore. Stormed back inside and reemerged with a packet of cigarettes. He fumbled with them, swore again. Finally got one out and then realised he didn't have a lighter.
"Fuck!" He shouted, slamming the packet of cigarettes on the pavement.
"What the fuck, Chris? What are you doing?" I asked. I felt a little scared. Not of him. For him. I had no idea what was going on in his head.
"I just want a fucking cigarette. Is that too much to fucking ask?" He shouted. I went to the little pot we kept matches in for lighting the barbeque when the switch was being a dick or I used to light joints with from time to time. I lit one and cupped my hand, holding it out to him. He leaned forward, lighting his cigarette and taking a large draw, before collapsing against the wall with his eyes closed.
"What are you doing, Chris?" I repeated, putting the matches back in their little hidey hole.
"I thought you said you were going to not work and just follow me around?" He said.
"For a year yes. That year is nearly up. I thought you liked my job." I said.
"I do."
"What is it then? Is it Boston?"
Chris pushed himself off the wall and started pacing. I stepped in front of him.
"You were supposed to have a baby by July." He said, not looking me in the eye. "We were supposed to be parents."
I tilted his head to face me. The mention of babies had done that thing where I was pretty sure I was about to burst into tears again. "I - I don't know what to say to that."
He went and sat down on at the outdoor setting. "I thought you'd want to try again."
I stared at him for a minute trying to talk my own emotions into not going into full meltdown again. "I do. We already talked about this though. And I can't just do nothing until I'm ready. I can't just only be your wife."
"What's wrong with being my wife?" He muttered.
"Oh for fuck's sake." I threw my hands in the air and went back inside. I made a beeline for the bedroom and fell face first into the mattress.
Chris appeared in the door a little later. "Sorry." He said.
I didn't answer.
He came and sat on the bed and rested his hand on my thigh. "It feels really permanent. Like you've given up on the idea of us being parents."
I scooted away from him and buried my head under the pillows. I had started crying and I didn't want him to see.
"You're not even going to talk about it?" He said.
"You know I'm not giving up. I can't talk about it any more. It kills me a little every time I talk about it." I cried.
"Can you just tell me this. How long do we have to wait? If you start this job, is it three more years? Is that why you had the implant put in?" He said.
I sat up and glared at him. "I will take exactly as long as I need to take. Stop being such an irrational baby over this. I can take the implant out, I can go on maternity leave. Me having a job will be good for me. You have work. I only have you and the constant reminder that I let you down. If I can just be productive again, I might be able to move on from this. Right now it's all I have to think about."
"You didn't let me down." He whispered.
"You keep saying that. So why do I keep feeling like I did? Why is every decision I make to help me deal with my grief something we end up fighting about?"
Chris sighed and lay across the bed hugging my lap. "I'm sorry. I'm struggling too."
I stroked my fingers through his hair. "I know. You said yourself. We need to be kind to each other. And patient. Might just need to remind ourselves of that."
"I can't believe I had a cigarette. It's been like four months." Chris groaned.
"Yeah and you're definitely brushing your teeth before you kiss me." I said.
He rolled off me and got up. "Fucking fine then." He said. But walked off laughing.
* * * * *
That night we lay in bed reading. Chris was going over his script of the new Captain America movie which started filming next month. It was mostly just being made in LA, which was nice for a change. Some stuff was out of state but it was nice he'd be able to come home to his own bed.
I put my own book down and started to kiss along his collarbone. He had gone to bed in pajama pants but no shirt, and I drew circles in his chest hair with the tips of my fingers. I gazed up at him and he looked down at me over the top of his glasses.
"What'cha doin' there, princess?" He said.
"Did you just call me princess?" I asked.
"I sure did. What're you gonna do about it?"
I dug my fingers into his side and he squawked and squirmed away from me, grabbing me by the wrists. "Okay, no princess. I get it."
"Do you think maybe we can get rough tonight?" I asked.
He smiled. "What did you have in mind?"
"I'm honestly up for anything. I just like doing it."
Chris put his script on the bedside table and was about to take his glasses off. "No leave them on." I said.
He smiled and got out of bed. "Come on then, missy."
I got out of bed and followed him into the walk in. The walk in closet of our new place in LA was kind of ridiculous. I'm pretty sure the bedroom I had at my parents last house wasn't as big as this closet. It had rails around the walls and a floating island in the middle that was all drawers.
Chris stretched a little when he got in the door and then turned to me. "Take off your top." He said.
I did as I was told, throwing my cami into the laundry hamper while Chris went to one of the drawers. He pulled out these long leather cuff things. They looked about a foot long and were covered in buckles.
"Hands out." He said. I held out my arms and he attached the cuffs to them. They went from my wrists to my elbows. "Okay?" He asked
"Yes, thank you." I answered.
He turned me away from me and pushed me towards the door of the closet. When we reached the door he raised one hand above my head and attached it to a hook built into the top corner of the door frame. He then repeated the action on the other arm. He went back to the draw and returned with more cuffs. This time he cuffed my ankles to each side of the door.
He stood up and pressed his body against mine. His hands slid up my chest and he squeezed my breasts, pinching my nipples. "I like you in this position." He purred. He stepped away from me and returned a moment later, once again pressing up against me.
His hands cupped and stroked my breasts, pinching and pulling at my nipples. I hummed and his tongue started to tease my earlobe. "You like that don't you?" He purred.
"Yes, thank you, Chris."
"Oh you're being such a good girl tonight. So rare I get to see sweet Emily." He said. His breath felt hot against my neck, but somehow it still made me shiver. "I know how much you love your tits being played with. They've always been kind of sensitive haven't they? I wonder how you'll feel about this."
He pulled on my left nipple and clipped a clamp onto it. It stung like crazy and I sucked air in hard over my teeth. When he let it go, a little weight fell and dragged down, pulling the pain out through my breast more, so it ached right through it. He repeated the process on my right nipple.
"Ow, fuck, Chris." I whined. I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I'd always been kind of afraid to use nipple clamps. They'd never been a hard limit or anything. It was just something I wasn't sure of. Fuck, now I knew why.
"Oh poor, baby. Does it hurt?" He teased.
"Yes." I said, squirming.
"Say thank you."
"Thank you, Chris." I whined.
"Good girl." He stepped away from me again. This time when he returned he spread my arse cheeks apart and squeezed lube between them. Cold steel touched the lips of my pussy and he ran what I was sure was a butt plug up and down my folds before pushing it into my cunt. He slowly fucked me with it, slicking the steel with my own fluids.
He pulled it from my pussy and pressed it against my arsehole. Slowly he slid it into my arse. He held it at the widest point letting it stretch me out before pushing it right in. Only to then pull it out. I started to whimper as my arsehole was stretched and released. Finally he pushed it in and left it. A low burn spread through me.
Chris stepped away from me again and when he returned he slipped a small bullet vibe into my panties, switched it on and pressed it against my clit. Using my underwear to keep it in place he stepped away.
I moaned as the buzz sent little waves through me. Chris disappeared for so long. Just shuffling around behind me. I had no idea what he was doing. At one point he let out a long low moan. It was like it was coming from some other place on the planet. Right here I was torn between this low ache in my arms and breasts, and the slow edging closer and closer to orgasm.
Finally he came up close behind me again. His hand slid down my back and around my waist. He reached into my panties and switched the vibe off.
"Did you like that, baby girl?" He asked.
"Yes. Thank you, Chris." I sighed.
"Good, girl. So polite." Chris purred. "Almost makes me sorry for what you have coming. Almost."
He stepped back and suddenly I was struck across my back. He'd hit me with a flogger. Each individual strip hitting me in a different spot. My skin stung and burned and before I even had a chance to react he did it again.
I cried out and he hit me again. Strike after strike. Always in the same place. My whole back was on fire. Tears leaked from my eyes, and I started begging him to stop. That I was good.
There was a pause in my punishment and he stepped up behind me, his body against mine, his mouth against my ear. I realised he was naked and hard. His erection pressed against my skin.
"You had better shut the fuck up, Emily or I'm going to gag you." He growled.
"I'm sorry, Chris. Thank you, Chris." I babbled.
"That's better." He growled. "You're going to get five more of these. After that, if you're good I'll fuck you. If you're really good I'll let you come."
He stepped behind me again and struck me. I clenched my jaw. I was nothing but pain now. I don't think he'd broken skin, but I felt like I was an exposed nerve. That I'd been flayed. He took his time with each remain strike. Hit. Pause. Hit. Pause. I was silently sobbing. My face wet with tears. When the final strike hit he stepped back and his hand ran down my skin. Soothing the burn.
"Thank you, Chris." I whispered.
"You're most welcome." He purred.
He dropped the flogger to the floor and his hand slid back into my panties, toying with my clit. "You're so wet, Emily. You liked that didn't you?"
All I could do was moan in reply.
Chris removed his hand and tore my panties, throwing the ruined fabric to the side. He then pulled my hips back. It stretched my arms out uncomfortably but not so badly that I thought I could actually get hurt and he entered me. He fucked me hard. Each thrust pressed on the plug giving me his vague sensation like I was being fucked in both holes.
The whole time he fucked me he kept his fingers digging into my hips. The little weights on the nipple clamps swung back and forward. I moaned and I don't know whether it was in pain or from pleasure. My senses were overloaded and confused. Chris however was completely coming apart. He moaned and grunted. He gripped at my hips.
"Oh fuck yes, Em." He panted. "So good. You're so good for me."
He pulled out suddenly, and hot come splattered over my arse. "Good, girl. Always such a pleaser. Would you like to come now?"
"Yes. Please, Chris." I whimpered.
Chris stepped away from me and the sound of the Hitachi Magic Wand filled the closet. He pressed it against my clit and almost immediately I came. My orgasm took hold of my whole body and I cried out. Chris didn't take the vibe away though. So I just kept climaxing. Again and again. My legs shook with them and I couldn't hold myself up. I was being supported only by my arms, and my muscles screamed out at me.
"Red. Red. Chris." I moaned.
Chris immediately turned the vibe off and dropped it to the ground. He wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me up so my arms weren't being pulled. "Okay, babe. I got you. You done now?"
"Yes. I'm okay. Just, I can't... I can't..." I panted.
He kissed my neck. "It's fine. You did really well." He unhooked my arms from the door and repeated with my legs. Then lifted me from the floor and carried me to the bed. He lay me on my side and while he gently rubbed my breast with one hand he eased the plug from my arse. He then reached behind him and pulled one from him with a deep moan.
I started giggling. "You were wearing a plug the whole time?"
"Yeah. I told you. I'm kinda into butt stuff right now." He said. He sat on the bed and pulled me up so I was sitting against him and started rubbing my breasts. He kneaded the flesh, evening out the blood flow in them. It felt like heaven and I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest. "Tell me when you think these are ready to come off."
I let him rub me and then nodded. He unclipped one clamp. "Owww." I whined as the pain suddenly flared up again as blood rushed into my nipple.
"Shh... I know." Chris soothed, rubbing my breast vigorously.
"No, you don't." I whined. He started to laugh.
He repeated the process on my other breast and then unbuckled the cuffs from my arms and legs.
"Okay, I'm going to run you a bath and then clean up. You want me to bring you tea?" He asked.
"Yes please."
Chris went about his after care. Putting me in the bath and getting me tea. After my bath he rubbed lotion into my back, soothing my burning skin and releasing the tension in my muscles.
"How are you feeling there, Em?" He asked as his hands worked over my shoulders.
"Mm... really good. This was exactly what I needed." I hummed.
"Yeah, me too. It's been awhile since we just let ourselves go like that." He said.
He stopped rubbing my shoulders and lay down, switching off the light. I curled up against his chest, listening to the sound of his hard and the gentle rhythm of his breathing.
"I love you, Chris." I murmured.
"I love you too, Em."