Everything seemed hazy as I went in and out of consciousness. I was aware of Hollie screaming, and watching Sam restrain her from running. I heard sirens wailing, and I could feel Lacey's tears dripping onto my hair.
I watched as the ambulance came, and sat us in the back to be examined. I was given something to withheld my panic, so that was how I sat, numb and still under a large blanket.
"Here." Lacey sat in the back of the ambulance next to me, a hot chocolate in her hands. "I thought you needed a drink."
I looked sideways at her. She hadn't killed me yet, for causing the death of her mother. She was just sat next to me in frayed clothes, her expression impassive as she drunk from a water bottle.
"I'd rather have something stronger."
"That's why I put vodka in it." Lacey said. "What, you think this is water?"
She nudged my side. "Go on, it won't hurt. It'll make things better, actually."
Lacey didn't look any better after downing half of her vodka, but I swigged some of the laced hot chocolate. Alcohol infested chocolate shot into my system, leaving me with the sweetness of chocolate but the burning taste of alcohol.
"Why haven't you killed me?" I asked Lacey quietly. "It's my fault she's dead."
"Jesus Christ, stop drowning in your self pity!" Lacey snapped. "It is not your fault. It is my bastard of a Father's fault, so if you wanna blame anybody--blame him."
She proved her point by swigging from her bottle again. "She wanted it this way, you know."
I didn't need to ask who she was talking about. "What do you mean?"
"When Sam took us out, mum guessed he was going to try and kill you." Lacey said in a dead voice. "She wanted to save you. I wanted to be the one, you know. That's why I ran into the house first, to try and stop her."
"So she died on purpose." I whispered. "She was willing to die for me."
"She always was." Lacey said, not looking at me. She swigged again. I wondered how much she had drunk. "Ever since she took you in, all those years ago."
"She would do the same for you and Hollie."
Lacey shook her head. "It was different with you. She would do the same for her real kids, sure. But she had orders from Lily Potter to protect you, no matter what."
I nearly dropped the cup. "What? My mum?"
Lacey nodded. "When you came to us, there was a letter from her in there. Saying your memories were gone for your own protection, that we should treat you as our own. Then Lily asked mum to promise to protect you, even if it caused her death."
"Why would my mum want that?" I said, feeling sick.
"I don't know exactly." Lacey said. "But Lily said that you were important in stopping the war. That nothing would change if you were dead. So mum agreed. I don't think she ever thought she'd have to go through with it."
"I'm sorry." I blurted out. "It's all because of me."
"Don't apologise to me." Lacey said abruptly. "Apologise to me when that bastard Voldemort is dead."
"I'll do that."
Lacey looked at me side-ways. "You're not going to try and kill him, are you?"
I shook my head. "No. I've... been in a bad place, Lacey. A dark hole I can't escape from. But I've seen the light. Revenge is dangerous, and I almost got you and Hollie killed today."
But Jenna still died,a poisonous voice spoke in the back of my mind.
"The only reason I was asking," Lacey said in a constricted voice. "Is because I want to kill him myself. He's the reason my mother and sister are dead. And the reason you nearly died."
"You care?" I asked in a small voice. "I thought you hated me."
"You have the magic I want." Lacey said. "And I'll never be okay with that. But you are my sister. Not by blood, but you are good enough for me."
She said it so fiercely, I burst into tears. Lacey looked panicked. "Oh shit, don't cry! I'm no good at this crap!"
I started to laugh and cry, and then slowly but surely, Lacey's arm went around my shoulders. "We'll be okay, Rory." Lacey said. "You are going to be back to your irritating self, and I will get that bastard."
"Talking about Mark?" Sam said lazily, hopping onto the ambulance with us. She picked up my hot chocolate and sniffed it. "Laced with vodka, my favourite!"
She downed half of it in one go. I stared at her. "What?" she demanded. "It's been a long day!"
"Where's Hollie?" Lacey asked.
"Some police dude is talking to her." Sam shrugged. "Checking she's okay."
"Is there anything you wanted, sweetheart?" Lacey drawled. "We were kinda talking here."
"I can find Mark for you." Sam said, and Lacey's head snapped up. "I found him once, I can find him again."
"You would do that, for me?" Lacey said, raising an eyebrow.
"Honey, it's not for you." Sam rolled her eyes. "Well partly it is for you. It's for your sister as well. I think you deserve to know where he is, and to get your mother back."
"She's dead." Lacey spat.
"And don't you want to bury the body?" Sam asked quietly. "My cousin got kidnapped by Voldemort in the first war, and killed in the process. My father searched for almost a year, just to find his body. It was worth it in the end."
Lacey looked oddly touched. "Thank you."
Sam shrugged, but looked rather pleased with herself. "I'll be in touch." she looked to me. "And Rory, work on getting better, alright?"
I nodded. "Beaky!" Sam called. Her phoenix appeared, and landed on her head. Sam clapped her hands together, and she was gone in a fury of flame.
"Damn." Lacey said. "That friend of yours is something."
"You could say that."
A police officer walked up to us, and I braced myself for the questions about Sam's disappearance. But it didn't came. "Miss Oswin, your godfather is with your sister. He's willing to take you all in."
I frowned. Sirius was here? I looked over the officer's head, but saw Uncle Remus and Gennie instead. My heart lifted. "We'll be with him in a minute."
Lacey looked at me in disbelief. "He's the one you stayed with two years ago, right?"
I nodded. "And he's willing to take us all in."
Lacey looked anxious. "But would you really want us there?"
"What?" I demanded. "Lacey, I'm not letting you and Hollie out of my sight. No, you'll stay with us."
"But I'm a squib." Lacey said in a small voice. "I won't be welcome."
"Uncle Remus is open to acceptance, trust me." I said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Anyway, where would the two of you go otherwise?"
Tears filled Lacey's eyes. "Your willing to help me, even though I've hated you?"
"We are family, you idiot." I rolled my eyes. "Anyway... if roles were reversed, I'm sure we'd act the same way."
Lacey looked oddly touched, but before she could respond, somebody tackled me in a hug, a strangled cry going over my shoulder. It took me a moment to realise it was Gennie.
"Rory!" Gennie cried.
"--Can't b-breath." I choked out, practically suffocated by Gennie's hug.
She let me go immediately, and examined me with worried brown eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Well I'm alive, aren't I?" I said, tears coming to my eyes. "How did you both find us?"
"Harry was worried about you." Gennie said quietly. "Sent us about a million owls, thinking you were going to do something stupid. So we told him we were going to find you, and we did. Sam," she said icily. "told us what happened."
"Right."
"Rory..." Gennie trailed off. "Are you okay?"
I knew she wasn't on about scratches or burns. If Harry had told her how obsessed I was becoming about revenge... she was on about my mental health. She was wondering if I still planned to hunt Mark down.
"I'm not okay, Gennie." I said quietly. "But I will be."
Gennie looked thoroughly relieved, and at that moment, Uncle Remus came over with Hollie. He patted my shoulder and gave me a wan smile. "Are you ready to go?"
"Are we going to Godric's hollow?" I asked.
Uncle Remus shook his head. "We haven't got that house anymore. But it isn't safe there, we're staying in a safe house."
Gennie looked suddenly very excited. "We're going to the headquarters of--"
"Genesis." Uncle Remus said sternly. "Not out here."
Gennie ducked her head. "Sorry, Dad." she looked towards Hollie and Lacey. "Are you two staying with us now?"
Lacey nodded, and gestured for her sister. Hollie sat on Lacey's lap, looking very small and afraid. The broken look on her face made my insides twist with guilt. No. I told myself. I'm going to get better. I can't drown in this guilt.
"Yes." Lacey said. "If you'll have us."
"There's plenty of rooms." Uncle Remus said kindly. "Now come on."
He held out a hand, which Lacey grabbed. She jumped from the ambulance, clutching Hollie in her arms. Lacey let her sister down from her, tossing me the bottle of laced hot chocolate. Remus was talking to the girls in reassuring tones, Hollie glued to her sister's side.
Gennie took the hot chocolate from me, and sniffed it. She recoiled. "Geez, Rory. I didn't think the rumours about you being an alcoholic were true."
She said it in a joking tone, but her smile wavered. "I feel awful." I confessed to Gennie. "Jenna is dead because of me."
"Blame Mark, if anybody." Gennie said. "Sam told us what happened. He was going to kill you--and she saved your life."
"She shouldn't have to." I whispered. "Mark was meant to be my dad... he wasn't meant to hurt me. He was meant to love me Gennie."
I was crying without realising it. "Listen here, Aurora." Gennie said quietly, putting an arm around me. "Everything is going to be fine. Where we're going, they will help track down Mark. They will make him pay for all he's done."
Uncle Remus waved over at us. "It's time to go, now." Gennie said. "You ready?"
My stomach tightened in knots. "Are we going to see Harry?"
"No. Why?"
"He'll be awfully mad at me." I said in a quiet voice. "He told me not to go after Mark, and I did. You told me as well. I should have listened."
Gennie's expression softened. "It's not your fault. Plus, he's worried, not mad. Once we knew you were safe--it was on muggle radio--we sent him a letter straight away. He wants to see you, not to throttle you."
We began to walk in silence and I stared at my ash covered shoes, not wanting to see the wreck of the place I once called home. "Is Harry coming with us?" I asked, looking at Gennie.
"They're planning to get him, as soon as possible." Gennie said.
"You're being awfully vague." I noted dully. "You wouldn't tell us anything in letters."
"Dumbledore told us to be." Gennie said sheepishly. "Look, I'll explain once we're there. It's all very secretive."
We reached Uncle Remus, who was stood in an alleyway with the two girls. "Right, let's link arms." Uncle Remus said. "We're apparating."
We stood in a circle, all of us linked to Uncle Remus. Then with a crack of his wand, we were tumbling through the air. It was just like my apparation with Dumbledore, going through a tube--though this time it was more muted.
Then light hit us smack in the face, and we had arrived at our mysterious destination. We had all hit the floor, except for Uncle Remus.
I got up, finding myself on a patch of unkempt grass in the middle of a small square. I looked around. The grimy fronts of the surrounding houses were not welcoming; some of them had broken windows, glimmering dully in the light from the streetlamps, paint was peeling from many of the doors and heaps of rubbish lay outside several sets of front steps.
"Where are we?" Lacey asked, pulling an unresponsive Hollie from the ground.
"In a minute." Uncle Remus told her. "Come on. Follow me."
The four of us followed him across the patch of grass, and onto the pavement. Why were we in a muggle neighbourhood? It seemed all a bit mysterious.
The muffled pounding of a stereo was coming from an upper window in the nearest house. A pungent smell of rotting rubbish came from the pile of bulging bin-bags just inside the broken gate.
"Gennie, have you got the paper?" Uncle Remus asked.
"Of course." Gennie said proudly, reaching into her denim jacket and pulling out a sheet of torn paper. "Come here, you three."
We went over to her, and Gennie thrust the piece of paper into my hand. "Read and memorise, the three of you. Quickly!"
The narrow handwriting was vaguely familiar. It said:
The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at number twelve, Grimmauld Place, London.
"What's the Order of the - ?" I began.
"Not here," whispered Remus. "Wait till we're inside!"
He pulled the piece of parchment out of my hand and set fire to it with his wand-tip. As the message curled into flames and floated to the ground, I looked around at the houses again.
We were standing outside number eleven; I looked to the left and saw number ten; to the right, however, was number thirteen.
"But where's - ?"
"Think about what you've just memorised," said Remus quietly.
I thought, and no sooner had I reached the part about number twelve, Grimmauld Place, than a battered door emerged out of nowhere between numbers eleven and thirteen, followed swiftly by dirty walls and grimy windows.
It was as though an extra house had inflated, pushing those on either side out of its way. I gaped at it. The stereo in number eleven thudded on. Apparently the Muggles inside hadn't felt anything.
I walked up the worn stone steps, staring at the newly materialised door. Its black paint was shabby and scratched. The silver doorknocker was in the form of a twisted serpent. There was no keyhole or letterbox.
Remus pulled out his wand and tapped the door once. I heard many loud, metallic clicks. The door creaked open.
"Get in, quickly." Uncle Remus said, giving me a shove from behind. I stumbled into the hall, quickly followed by the others.
I had an odd feeling of foreboding; it was as though we had just entered the house of a dying person. A soft hissing noise came and then old-fashioned gas lamps sputtered into life all along the walls, casting a flickering insubstantial light over the peeling wallpaper and threadbare carpet.
Something was scuttling behind the skirting board. Both the chandelier and the candelabra on a rickety table nearby were shaped like serpents.
There were hurried footsteps and Ron's mother, Mrs Weasley, emerged from a door at the far end of the hall. Relief was clear on her face as she hurried towards them, though I noticed that she was rather thinner and paler than she had been last time I had seen her.
She flung herself onto me, nearly knocking me down with a hug. She pulled me away, and looked at me with a soft expression. "Thank goodness you're alright, Rory! You had us all worried!"
"I'm okay now." I said in a quiet voice. "Really, I am."
She patted my cheek affectionatley, and looked at Hollie and Lacey. "You two must be Jenna's daughters." she said.
The sound of her mother's name made Hollie burst into noisy tears. Lacey looked alarmed, but Mrs Weasley kept a soft smile on her face. "It's alright, dearie. Everything will be fine."
Hollie looked up from the floor, and looked directly and Mrs Weasley. "But my mum is gone." she whispered. "How will anything be okay?"
Lacey put an arm around her sister. "Is there anywhere we can get changed or something?" Lacey asked. "I don't think staying in these torn clothes is going to help anyone."
Mrs Weasley went to the foot of the stairs. "Ginny!" she called. A few moments later, Ron's younger sister appeared looking slightly annoyed.
"What is it mum?"
"Rory and the others have arrived." Mrs Weasley said pointedly. "Could you take these two to find some clothes?"
Ginny nodded. "Follow me."
Lacey and Hollie headed up the dark flight of stairs after Ginny, leaving Remus, Gennie and I with Mrs Weasley. "What is this place?" I demanded.
"Come to the kitchen first, there's somebody who wants to see you." Mrs Weasley said. We followed her down a flight of stairs, into a small and dank dining area.
Somebody very familiar was sat lazily on a chair, feet propped up on the table. It was Sirius, and he practically fell off the chair when he noticed us. "You're finally back!"
He swung his legs down from the table, and got to his feet. He looked much healthier from when I last saw him, but he looked almost uncomfortable in this kitchen. "Hey, Sirius." I said quietly.
Sirius hugged me tightly, practically taking the air out of me. He examined me. "It's good to see you, Rory. Take a seat."
I sat down, and everybody sat on various chairs around me. "Right, who's going to explain what's going on?"
"This is my house, and you are in the order of the phoenix headquarters." Sirius said, almost in a bored tone.
"Your house?" I asked skeptically. "But if that's true--why didn't you hide here instead of staying on the run?"
"Well, it's my childhood home, doesn't hold pleasant memories." Sirius sighed. "But Dumbledore asked if he could use this as headquarters, and I said yes. Get a bit more company around here, in any case."
"So what is the order of the phoenix?"
"An organisation that works against Voldemort." Gennie said eagerly. "It was set up by Dumbledore in the last war. They re-formed after he came back in June. Basically, it's an underground network."
"But doesn't everyone know Voldemort is back?" I demanded. Everybody was quiet. "Well?"
"They don't believe you, Harry and Dumbledore." Gennie said, sounding annoyed. "Not to mention that quite a lot of people are skeptical of who you are. People are living in denial."
"Right." I said slowly. "So,when is Harry getting here?"
"Soon. Hopefully." Sirius grumbled. "They're taking way too long in my opinion."
"You'd disagree with a ghost if they said they were dead." Remus grumbled, but a small smile was on his face. "Gennie, why not you show Rory to her room? I'm sure she could use with some peace and quiet."
Gennie nodded, and I followed her up a constant winding of stairs. "How big is this house?" I asked Gennie.
"Very." she said. "I've been here since school ended, and I still can't find my way around."
I looked around on the faded wallpaper. There seemed to be a lot of old and dusty portraits, and for some reason--elf heads. "Any reason for the elf heads?"
"For some reason, when their house elves died, they chopped their head off, and mounted them on the wall." Gennie shuddered. "The house elf here--Kreacher--it's his life ambition. You should hear Hermione rant."
"She's here?"
Gennie nodded. "And Ron, and the twins. And Ginny. We've been getting along better, recently. That's quite good."
We reached outside a dark door. "You're sharing with me. Hope you don't mind."
"That's fine." I urged, and Gennie opened the door. There were two black beds in the rather small room, one covered in Gennie's belongings.
She tossed me a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. "You can borrow my stuff until Harry comes with yours. The shower is next door."
Gennie sat on her bed, and began looking through a book. I hovered by the door, looking at her. "Gen.." I trailed off. She looked up curiously. "Will things really get better?"
Gennie smiled at me. "I'm sure they will. And if they don't--we'll fight like hell to make sure it is."
I ducked out of the bedroom, and into the bathroom. It was more modern than anything I'd seen in this place so far, but still had a sense of the old world.
I glanced at myself in the mirror for the first time in a while. I looked awful. My face was thinner, dark bags dominating my eyes. Ash was streaking in my hair and face, a a substantial amount of my hair was missing from Mark's tugging.
I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold as reality set in. Why had this happened again? Why had another person I loved died? Jenna, how could she have sacrificed herself for me?
Her face swam to mind, and memories flowed out of me in a torrent. Jenna, sweet and loyal Jenna. Who was the only mother I had known, but the second mother i'd lost. The woman who bandaged my wounds and always found a way to make me smile.
The woman who could have resented me for having magic, could have torn me from magical life for good--after all, it killed her daughter--but she didn't. She encouraged me, let me be who I wanted.
She had done so much for me, so much. And what had I done for her? I had been a piss-poor attempt at a second chance, that was for sure. My revenge torn mind had led to not only her death, but torn family away from Lacey and Hollie.
A whimper came from my lips, and now all I wanted to do was get out of these clothes. Jenna had held me in these clothes only a few hours ago, with her steady expression and calm green eyes.
I could feel her phantom touch on my arms, the soft swipe of her smile. And more than anything, I wanted to wipe this guilt and hurt from myself.
Pulling my clothes from me, I jumped into the shower, turning the water as hot as it could go. It burnt my skin as I scrubbed the dirt and ash from my body, but that was a small lick of pain compared to what Hollie and Lacey were going through.
I scrubbed at my skin harder with the soap, trying to not think of Jenna's dead eyes, or Hollie's tears.
Hollie and Lacey had lost their mother because of me. And instead of loathing me, they were willing to live under the same roof as me.
And Mark. As much as I loathed him, I felt a spark of guilt. He had loved Jenna. She had been the love of his life. And I had torn that away from him. I suppose we both had struck each other in heart this time.
The water soon ran out, and I got out of the shower. The bathroom was covered in mist, and I could feel my skin prickling with heat.
I dressed into my borrowed clothes, and happened to glance down at my skin. My arms were dotted with blood from where I had scratched them. I wiped them as best as I could, and wrung my hair dry.
I escaped from the overbearing heat of the bathroom, my head swimming from the sudden coolness. I wandered down the corridors, unsure of where to go now.
"Rory!" It was Lacey, calling me from down the corridor.
I met her, and looked at her wearily from where she was sat on the floor. "Yes?"
She was dressed in new clothes now, and looked as if she'd been crying. "Will you talk to her?"
"Who?"
"Hollie." Lacey said. "She's locked in our room, and won't come out. I know it hasn't been a day.... but... I'm worried."
"And you think I can get through to her?"
Lacey nodded. "She keeps blaming herself.... and she's sobbing her heart out. It's just... I can't lose her Rory. I just can't."
The broken note on her voice made me want to crumble, but I nodded. "I'll try."
I continued forward, but Lacey grabbed my arm. "You've been scratching yourself." she said quietly. I didn't respond. "I know you're blaming yourself, but don't. Rory, don't you dare. I can't lose anybody else."
A lump of emotion came to my throat. I knocked on the door, and it echoed. "Hollie? Are you in there?"
No response. "It's me, Rory. Will you let me in?"
"I'm a murderer." Hollie whimpered from behind the door. It sounded as if she was sitting direcly behind it. "Don't come in. It's my fault."
Lacey looked at me with pity. "She keeps saying that."
"Hollie." I called. "It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault."
"But i'm the one who was in the attic." Hollie sobbed. "I'm the one who found the book, and made Dad mad. If it wasn't for me, Mum wouldn't be dead!"
"It's my fault too." I whispered, sitting at the foot of the door. "I came home to hurt Mark. He hurt me by killing Kayley. I wanted to hurt him. And if it wasn't for me, then Jenna wouldn't--she wouldn't have to do that."
"You didn't hurt your mum." I added. "You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hoped I could keep you out of this, let one damn person get a happy life. I'm sorry, Hollie--i'm so damn sorry at how I've screwed your life up."
The door clicked open, and Hollie was there, tears coming from her eyes. She pounced onto Lacey and I, practically strangling us with hugs.
"You haven't." Hollie said. "You haven't screwed it up."
"Neither of you have." Lacey mumbled. "None of us deserve the heavy weight of guilt on our shoulder's. We are just pawns in a powerful game, and it's nobody's fault, nobody but freaking Voldemort."
"Does this mean we'll all get through this?" I mumbled into Lacey's hair.
"I'll make damn sure of it." Lacey said fiercely. "And we're going to do this together. What would mum say if we were fighting, and hurting all alone?"
The three of us sat there, wrapped in each other's arms. I felt Hollie's soft skin brush against my self inflicted scratches, and came to a realisation, that I should have gotten before.
I wasn't in a very good place. I was haunted by both the past and the present, and guilt was being thrown onto me, about to suffocate me. But Lacey was right, we didn't deserve this.
It wasn't my fault that Cedric, Kayley and Jenna died. They made their choices, and their deaths were a motivator to make me suffer.
But I wasn't going to let Voldemort have that power over me again. I was going to fight like hell, let go of my past, and make sure that bastard burnt in hell for good.
- - - -
A/N Yes, this took a while. Yes, this may be a bit of an angst chapter. But Rory is in an awful place, and I hoped I could highlight it. She's realised she's letting guilt she doesn't deserve take over, and as the chapters continue, she will start to heal--but she'll be damn tougher, that's for sure.